Crouchie's Lawyer Posted 23 September, 2008 Share Posted 23 September, 2008 what is black and sits at the top of the stairs... Usain Bolt. Why does he sit at the top of stairs? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bath Saint Posted 23 September, 2008 Share Posted 23 September, 2008 Yea he is. Bolt is the guy who broke the records at the Olympics lol. It was a joke about him going fast and Pompey going down lol It is incredibly funny. I can barely contain my mirth. Oh, I contained it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CabbageFace Posted 23 September, 2008 Share Posted 23 September, 2008 what is black and sits at the top of the stairs... Pompey. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scudamore Posted 23 September, 2008 Share Posted 23 September, 2008 It is incredibly funny. I can barely contain my mirth. Oh, I contained it. You shouldn't bottle these things up... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Durleyfos Posted 23 September, 2008 Share Posted 23 September, 2008 Q: What's faster at being black, P*mpey or stairs? A: Two dead bears nailed together. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CabbageFace Posted 23 September, 2008 Share Posted 23 September, 2008 Q. Whats blue and red all over? A. To cross the road. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hatch Posted 23 September, 2008 Share Posted 23 September, 2008 Q: Knock Knock A: Steven Hawkin coming down the stairs. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notnowcato Posted 23 September, 2008 Share Posted 23 September, 2008 ...one is called Kelly Smunt Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crouchie's Lawyer Posted 23 September, 2008 Share Posted 23 September, 2008 Knock Knock Who's there? Usain Bolt in a Pompey shirt nailing two bears to a cross with screws from Steven Hawking's wheelchair Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pip87 Posted 23 September, 2008 Share Posted 23 September, 2008 What's orange and blue and sits at the bottom of a swimming pool... A baby with slashed armbands. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pip87 Posted 23 September, 2008 Share Posted 23 September, 2008 An Englishman, Welshman a West Indian are in hospital waiting for their wives to give birth. The nurse comes out and announces they are all new fathers of baby boys. But there's one problem she says "Because they were all born at the same time and we mixed the tags up we don't know which baby is which - could you all come in to try and identify your babies please?" The men agree and go into the delivery room. Immediately the Englishman picks up the coloured baby and says "yes - this is definately my baby". The West Indian man says "excuse me but I think it's obvious that's my baby". The Englishman takes him aside and says "I see where you're coming from but one of those babies is Welsh and i'm just not prepared to take the risk". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robsk II Posted 24 September, 2008 Share Posted 24 September, 2008 Much better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Master Bates Posted 10 October, 2008 Share Posted 10 October, 2008 I met this really kinky girl. "Humiliate me " she said. I bought her a Tottenham shirt. _______________ God created man, stepped back and said "perfect!" He then created woman, stepped back, had a long look and said "**** me! this'll have to wear make up!" _______________ I was watching on the news that Iceland is in economic turmoil. That's what happens when Kerry Katona does your advertising. ______________ Disabled toilets. Ironically, the only toilets big enough to run around in. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Saint_Pedro Posted 10 October, 2008 Share Posted 10 October, 2008 A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, It's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the Captain's' parrot. Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board. The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it ... with the parrot. They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day... and then 2 days ... and then 3 days. Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said... "OK, I give up. Where's the f*ckin' ship?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pancake Posted 10 October, 2008 Share Posted 10 October, 2008 ... Last night I dreamt of Saint Pedro. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Saint_Pedro Posted 10 October, 2008 Share Posted 10 October, 2008 ooo er........ did you dribble? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
foghorn Posted 10 October, 2008 Share Posted 10 October, 2008 Last night I dreamt of Saint Pedro. It all seemed like yesterday not far away Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JB Posted 10 October, 2008 Share Posted 10 October, 2008 What did the spazzer say to his dog? Down Syndrome. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robsk II Posted 10 October, 2008 Share Posted 10 October, 2008 What's brown and rhymes with snoop? Dr Dre* *Courtesy of The Stain Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hamster Posted 10 October, 2008 Share Posted 10 October, 2008 How do you keep an idiot in suspense? I'll tell you tomorrow. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Master Bates Posted 10 October, 2008 Share Posted 10 October, 2008 My hamster died today.......silly bastard fell asleep at the wheel!! __________ Why should you put sellotape around a hamster? It stops it splitting when you **** it!! _________ What's the difference between a cow and a hamster? A cow survives branding. ________ What's brown and comes out of my arse most mornings? My hamster. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hamster Posted 10 October, 2008 Share Posted 10 October, 2008 What's brown and comes out of my arse most mornings? My hamster. Hope you've destoyed the negatives as agreed. PS I still love you Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Master Bates Posted 10 October, 2008 Share Posted 10 October, 2008 . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Master Bates Posted 13 October, 2008 Share Posted 13 October, 2008 A is the 1st letter of the alphabet and H is the 8th letter, right? 9/11= 0.8181818181= HAHAHAHA Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Master Bates Posted 14 October, 2008 Share Posted 14 October, 2008 What's the difference between a hand job and the World Trade Center? With a hand job it usually collapses with less than 3000 yanks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
INFLUENCED.COM Posted 14 October, 2008 Share Posted 14 October, 2008 Stephen Hawkin was admitted to hospital last night after going on a date. He now has a fractured skull, borken arm and severe cuts and bruise.... Apparently she stood him up 2 Mexicans lost in a desert see a tree in the distance, as they get nearer they see it is draped with rashers of bacon, smoked, crispy.."hey Pepe" says Jose "ees a bacon tree, we are saved" Jose runs toward the tree, as he gets within 5 feet of it he is gunned down in a hail of bullets, Pepe shouts over "Jose what happened" with his last breath he replied.. "Pepe run amigo ees not a bacon tree ees a ham bush" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Master Bates Posted 14 October, 2008 Share Posted 14 October, 2008 Bought some baby oil to stop it sticking to the frying pan. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
INFLUENCED.COM Posted 14 October, 2008 Share Posted 14 October, 2008 A plane carrying 312 skates has gone off the radar 17 seconds ago, the search has now been called off Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Redbul Posted 14 October, 2008 Share Posted 14 October, 2008 Pompey couple walking out of the divorce court, the wife is crying her heart out. Husband says ' Oh for f*ck's sake stop crying, you're still my sister!!!!' ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- My ex-wife asked me what reincarnation is. I explained, when you die you come back as something else. She said she wanted to come back as a pig. I said, 'You're not f*cking listening!!!!' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Master Bates Posted 15 October, 2008 Share Posted 15 October, 2008 When I was a kid my uncle used to make me do things I didn't want to do. I was so ashamed. Only now that I am a bit older can I finally talk about them. I used to be a team mascot for Pompey. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arizona Posted 15 October, 2008 Share Posted 15 October, 2008 Two Pompey supporters are walking down the street when they see a sign in a sex shop window, "For sale, 2 spare Pompey Season Tickets - £200" Thinking this is a bargain, the first one says, "you go in and buy the STs, I'll stand here and keep a lookout for anyone who might know us." The second Pompey support goes in and comes out 10 minutes later with a bag full of hand-cuffs, gimp masks and strap-ons. The first one says, "WTF, I told you to go buy the STs and you come out with all this stuff?!" The second guy says, "Look, I kept trying, but in the end I was just too embarassed to ask." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Big Poppa Posted 16 October, 2008 Share Posted 16 October, 2008 A priest decides to take a walk to the pier near his church. He looks around and finally stops to watch a fisherman load his boat. The fisherman notices, and asks the priest if he would like to join him for a couple of hours. The priest agrees. The fisherman asks if the priest has ever fished before, to which the priest says "No". He baits the hook for the priest and says, "Give it a shot father" After a few minutes, the priest hooks a big fish and struggles to get it into the boat. The fisherman catches a glimpse of it and says "Whoa, look at the size of that f*cker!" Priest: "Uh, please, the lord is watching would you please mind your language?" Fisherman: (THINKING QUICKLY) "I'm sorry father, but that's what this fish is called - a f*cker!" Priest: "Oh, I'm sorry - I didn't know." After the trip, the priest brings the fish to the church and spots the bishop. Priest: "Look at this big f*cker" Bishop: "Please, mind your language, this is a house of God." Priest: "No, you don't understand - that's what this fish is called, and I caught it. I caught this f*cker!" Bishop: "Hmmm. You know, I could clean this f*cker and we could have it for dinner." So the Bishop takes the fish and cleans it, and brings it to the Mother Superior. Bishop: "Could you cook this f*cker for dinner tonight?" Mother Superior: "My lord, what language!" Bishop: "No, sister, that's what the fish is called - a f*cker! Father caught it, I cleaned it, and we'd like you to cook it." Mother Superior: "Hmmm. Yes, I'll cook that f*cker tonight." Well, then the Pope stops by for dinner with the three of them, and they all think the fish is great. He asks where they got it. Priest: "I caught the f*cker!" Bishop: "And I cleaned the f*cker!" Mother Superior: "And I cooked the f*cker!" There's absolute silence, and the Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely gaze, but then lets out a huge fart, takes off his hat, puts his feet up on the table, lights up a spliff, pours himself a large whisky and says, "You know what? You c*nts are alright. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Big Poppa Posted 16 October, 2008 Share Posted 16 October, 2008 There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines. After many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again. The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage at the opening carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress' ok?" The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play he's practicing his line over and over again. Finally, the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and he delivered the line....... The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the director was steaming! "You bloody fool!" he cried, "you've ruined me!" The actor was bewildered, "what happened, did I forget my line?" "No you idiot," screamed the director, "you forgot the rose..." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Big Poppa Posted 16 October, 2008 Share Posted 16 October, 2008 A hubby buys his wife a fur coat made from the skins of 2,000 hamsters. He took her to Blackpool, and it took him three days to get her off the big wheel. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Julian H. Cope Posted 16 October, 2008 Share Posted 16 October, 2008 There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines. After many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again. The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage at the opening carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress' ok?" The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play he's practicing his line over and over again. Finally, the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and he delivered the line....... The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the director was steaming! "You bloody fool!" he cried, "you've ruined me!" The actor was bewildered, "what happened, did I forget my line?" "No you idiot," screamed the director, "you forgot the rose..." Excellent.That's a big LOL from me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crouchie's Lawyer Posted 16 October, 2008 Share Posted 16 October, 2008 Excellent.That's a big LOL from me. I had to read it twice, but it got a big lol from me when it hit me Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gingeletiss Posted 16 October, 2008 Share Posted 16 October, 2008 Whilst on a spying mission at Pomp*y's training ground, I saw them playing football with a Hedgehog. Disgusted, I called out, that I was going to report them to the RSPCA......as I turned to go, the Hedgehog called out 'please mister, don't do it....I'm 3-0 up'..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jillyanne Posted 16 October, 2008 Share Posted 16 October, 2008 I had to read it twice, but it got a big lol from me when it hit me I just got it also! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hamster Posted 16 October, 2008 Share Posted 16 October, 2008 A drunken Pompey fan walks into his bedroom carrying a sheep. He looks at his wife lying there naked on the bed and says 'This is the dirty pig that I have sex with when you've got one of your headaches!' The wife snaps back 'I'll think you'll find that's a sheep you stoopid ****' The skate replies 'Shut up you, I was talking to the sheep!' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Master Bates Posted 17 October, 2008 Share Posted 17 October, 2008 I used to like Michael Jackson. Now he's just a pale imitation of the man he used to be. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
INFLUENCED.COM Posted 17 October, 2008 Share Posted 17 October, 2008 Did you watch the England game the other night and saw Rooneys new haircut, apparently it was the result of a mix up as Playboy magazine offered Colleen 250k to shave her tw at Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robsk II Posted 18 October, 2008 Share Posted 18 October, 2008 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gingeletiss Posted 20 October, 2008 Share Posted 20 October, 2008 Was in the pub with my dog, during the Spurs game, and when the final whistle blew, my dog called out 'bloody ****e....I could do better'. The barman was amazed...'cripes, a talking dog' what does he say when they win. 'Don't know' said I..........'I've only had him three months'. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crouchie's Lawyer Posted 21 October, 2008 Share Posted 21 October, 2008 Dear Deidre, I have never written to you before, but I really need your advice. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs; phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with "the girls" a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, just some friends from work, you don't know them." I try to stay awake and look out for her when she comes home, but I usually fall asleep. Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just did not want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to finally check on her. Around midnight, I hid in the garage behind my golf clubs so I could get a good view of the whole area when she arrived home from a night out with "the girls." When she got out of the car she was buttoning up her blouse, which was open, and she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment, crouching behind my golf clubs, that I noticed a hairline crack where the grip meets the graphite shaft on my 3-wood. Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the pro-shop where I bought it? Yours sincerely Dave ( Leeds ) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crouchie's Lawyer Posted 21 October, 2008 Share Posted 21 October, 2008 The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'boys'. I told my wife that I would be home by midnight , 'I promise!' Well, the hours passed and the beer went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m. , a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my wife would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with she who must be funded. Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT ! GENIUS! The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, I told her ' MIDNIGHT '... She didn't seem ****ed off in the least. Whew, I got away with that one! Then she said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.' When I asked why, she said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh ****.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Master Bates Posted 22 October, 2008 Share Posted 22 October, 2008 Dear Susan, I am writing to tell you that our relationship must end, I am not the man you think I am. For a long time I have been sexually attracted to your sister. On several occasions I have had sex with her and I know you will find this unbearable. What is probably worse than sleeping with your sister is the fact that I have also been having a sexual relationship with your mother. Add this to the fact that, after a drunken night out, I had anal sex with your brother, you will now see what a terrible person I am. One final confession susan. Shortly after I started a sexual relationship with you, your father started pestering me for sex and yes I gave in to him. And so Susan you must now see why I must end our relationship. I know this is all a shock but it is better out in the open. I am so very sorry if I've hurt you,I never meant to. Your loving brother, David xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Saint_Pedro Posted 22 October, 2008 Share Posted 22 October, 2008 A man is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, 'Golly, I wonder what happened to this parrot?' The parrot says, 'I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot.' 'Holy crap,' the guy replies. 'You actually understood and answered me!' 'I got every word,' says the parrot. 'I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird ..' 'Oh yeah?' the man asks, 'Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?' 'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my willie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers.' 'Wow,' says the guy. 'You really can understand and speak English can't you?' 'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion.' The man looks at the £200.00 price tag. 'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.' 'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me 'cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for £20, just make the guy an offer!' The man offers £20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humour, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The man is delighted. One day the man comes home from work and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing. 'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman.' 'What are you talking about?' asks the man. 'When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie.' 'WHAT???' the guy says incredulously. 'THEN what happened?' 'Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot. 'NO!' he exclaims. 'And she let him?' 'Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over....' Then the frantic man screams, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED?' 'Damned if I know. I got an erection and fell off my perch!' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notnowcato Posted 22 October, 2008 Share Posted 22 October, 2008 Darren Bent is ill, so Jaunde Ramos offers to do his shopping for him. While in Sainsbury's he bumps into Arsene Wenger. 'What are you doing in here, Juande?' asks Wenger. 'Getting a bag of potatoes for Darren Bent,' he replies. 'Sounds like a good swap to me,' says Wenger. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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