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A Joke


Saint in Paradise
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An Englishman, Welshman a West Indian are in hospital waiting for their wives to give birth. The nurse comes out and announces they are all new fathers of baby boys. But there's one problem she says "Because they were all born at the same time and we mixed the tags up we don't know which baby is which - could you all come in to try and identify your babies please?"

The men agree and go into the delivery room. Immediately the Englishman picks up the coloured baby and says "yes - this is definately my baby". The West Indian man says "excuse me but I think it's obvious that's my baby". The Englishman takes him aside and says "I see where you're coming from but one of those babies is Welsh and i'm just not prepared to take the risk".

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  • 3 weeks later...

I met this really kinky girl.

"Humiliate me " she said.

I bought her a Tottenham shirt.

 

_______________

 

God created man, stepped back and said "perfect!" He then created woman, stepped back, had a long look and said "**** me! this'll have to wear make up!"

 

_______________

I was watching on the news that Iceland is in economic turmoil.

That's what happens when Kerry Katona does your advertising.

 

______________

 

Disabled toilets.

 

Ironically, the only toilets big enough to run around in.

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A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week so

the magician did the same tricks over and over again.

 

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week

and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he

understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, It's not

the same hat!"

or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" or "Hey, why are all

the cards the ace of spades?"

 

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything.

 

It was, after all, the Captain's' parrot.

 

Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning

almost all who were on board. The magician luckily found himself on a piece

of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it ... with

the parrot.

 

They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went

on for a day... and then 2 days ... and then 3 days. Finally on the 4th

day,

the parrot could not hold back any longer and said...

 

"OK, I give up. Where's the f*ckin' ship?"

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My hamster died today.......silly bastard fell asleep at the wheel!!

 

__________

 

Why should you put sellotape around a hamster?

 

It stops it splitting when you **** it!!

 

_________

 

What's the difference between a cow and a hamster?

A cow survives branding.

 

________

 

What's brown and comes out of my arse most mornings?

 

My hamster.

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Stephen Hawkin was admitted to hospital last night after going on a date.

He now has a fractured skull, borken arm and severe cuts and bruise....

Apparently she stood him up

 

 

2 Mexicans lost in a desert see a tree in the distance, as they get nearer they see it is draped with rashers of bacon, smoked, crispy.."hey Pepe" says Jose "ees a bacon tree, we are saved" Jose runs toward the tree, as he gets within 5 feet of it he is gunned down in a hail of bullets, Pepe shouts over "Jose what happened" with his last breath he replied.. "Pepe run amigo ees not a bacon tree ees a ham bush"

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Pompey couple walking out of the divorce court, the wife is crying

her heart out.

Husband says ' Oh for f*ck's sake stop crying, you're still my

sister!!!!'

 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

My ex-wife asked me what reincarnation is. I explained, when you die you come back as something else.

She said she wanted to come back as a pig.

I said, 'You're not f*cking listening!!!!'

 

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Two Pompey supporters are walking down the street when they see a sign in a sex shop window, "For sale, 2 spare Pompey Season Tickets - £200"

 

Thinking this is a bargain, the first one says, "you go in and buy the STs, I'll stand here and keep a lookout for anyone who might know us."

 

The second Pompey support goes in and comes out 10 minutes later with a bag full of hand-cuffs, gimp masks and strap-ons. The first one says, "WTF, I told you to go buy the STs and you come out with all this stuff?!"

 

The second guy says, "Look, I kept trying, but in the end I was just too embarassed to ask."

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A priest decides to take a walk to the pier near his church. He looks around and finally stops to watch a fisherman load his boat. The fisherman notices, and asks the priest if he would like to join him for a couple of hours. The priest agrees. The fisherman asks if the priest has ever fished before, to which the priest says "No".

 

He baits the hook for the priest and says, "Give it a shot father"

 

After a few minutes, the priest hooks a big fish and struggles to get it into the boat. The fisherman catches a glimpse of it and says "Whoa, look at the size of that f*cker!" Priest: "Uh, please, the lord is watching would you please mind your language?"

 

Fisherman: (THINKING QUICKLY) "I'm sorry father, but that's what this fish is called - a f*cker!"

Priest: "Oh, I'm sorry - I didn't know." After the trip, the priest brings the fish to the church and spots the bishop.

Priest: "Look at this big f*cker" Bishop: "Please, mind your language, this is a house of God."

Priest: "No, you don't understand - that's what this fish is called, and I caught it. I caught this f*cker!"

Bishop: "Hmmm. You know, I could clean this f*cker and we could have it for dinner."

 

So the Bishop takes the fish and cleans it, and brings it to the Mother Superior.

 

Bishop: "Could you cook this f*cker for dinner tonight?"

Mother Superior: "My lord, what language!" Bishop: "No, sister, that's what the fish is called - a f*cker! Father caught it, I cleaned it, and we'd like you to cook it."

 

Mother Superior: "Hmmm. Yes, I'll cook that f*cker tonight."

 

Well, then the Pope stops by for dinner with the three of them, and they all think the fish is great. He asks where they got it. Priest: "I caught the f*cker!"

 

Bishop: "And I cleaned the f*cker!" Mother Superior: "And I cooked the f*cker!"

 

There's absolute silence, and the Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely gaze, but then lets out a huge fart, takes off his hat, puts his feet up on the table, lights up a spliff, pours himself a large whisky and says, "You know what? You c*nts are alright.

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There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines. After many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.

 

The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage at the opening carrying a rose.

 

You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress' ok?"

 

The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play he's practicing his line over and over again.

 

Finally, the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and he delivered the line.......

 

The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the director was steaming!

 

"You bloody fool!" he cried, "you've ruined me!" The actor was bewildered, "what happened, did I forget my line?"

 

"No you idiot," screamed the director, "you forgot the rose..."

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There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines. After many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.

 

The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage at the opening carrying a rose.

 

You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress' ok?"

 

The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play he's practicing his line over and over again.

 

Finally, the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and he delivered the line.......

 

The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the director was steaming!

 

"You bloody fool!" he cried, "you've ruined me!" The actor was bewildered, "what happened, did I forget my line?"

 

"No you idiot," screamed the director, "you forgot the rose..."

 

Excellent.That's a big LOL from me.

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A drunken Pompey fan walks into his bedroom carrying a sheep.

 

He looks at his wife lying there naked on the bed and says 'This is the dirty pig that I have sex with when you've got one of your headaches!'

The wife snaps back 'I'll think you'll find that's a sheep you stoopid ****'

 

The skate replies 'Shut up you, I was talking to the sheep!'

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Was in the pub with my dog, during the Spurs game, and when the final whistle blew, my dog called out 'bloody ****e....I could do better'. The barman was amazed...'cripes, a talking dog' what does he say when they win. 'Don't know' said I..........'I've only had him three months'. ;)

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Dear Deidre,

 

I have never written to you before, but I really need your advice.

 

I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs; phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with "the girls" a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, just some friends from work, you don't know them."

 

I try to stay awake and look out for her when she comes home, but I usually fall asleep. Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just did not want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to finally check on her. Around midnight, I hid in the garage behind my golf clubs so I could get a good view of the whole area when she arrived home from a night out with "the girls."

 

When she got out of the car she was buttoning up her blouse, which was open, and she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment, crouching behind my golf clubs, that I noticed a hairline crack where the grip meets the graphite shaft on my 3-wood. Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the pro-shop where I bought it?

 

Yours sincerely

 

 

 

Dave ( Leeds )

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The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'boys'. I told my wife that I would be home by midnight , 'I promise!'

 

Well, the hours passed and the beer went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m. , a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.

 

 

Quickly, realizing my wife would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with she who must be funded. Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT ! GENIUS!

 

The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, I told her ' MIDNIGHT '... She didn't seem ****ed off in the least. Whew, I got away with that one! Then she said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.'

 

When I asked why, she said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh ****.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

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Dear Susan,

 

I am writing to tell you that our relationship must end, I am not the man you think I am. For a long time I have been sexually attracted to your sister. On several occasions I have had sex with her and I know you will find this unbearable.

 

What is probably worse than sleeping with your sister is the fact that I have also been having a sexual relationship with your mother.

 

Add this to the fact that, after a drunken night out, I had anal sex with your brother, you will now see what a terrible person I am. One final confession susan. Shortly after I started a sexual relationship with you, your father started pestering me for sex and yes I gave in to him.

 

And so Susan you must now see why I must end our relationship. I know this is all a shock but it is better out in the open. I am so very sorry if I've hurt you,I never meant to.

 

Your loving brother, David xxx

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A man is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little

perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, 'Golly, I

wonder what happened to this parrot?'

 

The parrot says, 'I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot.'

 

'Holy crap,' the guy replies. 'You actually understood and answered me!'

 

'I got every word,' says the parrot. 'I happen to be a highly

intelligent, thoroughly educated bird ..'

 

'Oh yeah?' the man asks, 'Then answer this -- how do you hang onto

your perch without any feet?'

 

'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing but since you

asked, I wrap my willie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You

can't see it because of my feathers.'

 

'Wow,' says the guy. 'You really can understand and speak English

can't you?'

 

'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with

reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports,

physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really

ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion.'

 

The man looks at the £200.00 price tag. 'Sorry, but I just can't

afford that.'

 

'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody

wants me 'cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for

£20, just make the guy an offer!'

 

The man offers £20 and walks out with the parrot.

 

Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humour,

he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he

sympathizes, and he's insightful. The man is delighted.

 

One day the man comes home from work and the parrot goes,

'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing. 'I don't know if

I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman.'

 

'What are you talking about?' asks the man.

 

'When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at

the door in a sheer black nightie.'

 

'WHAT???' the guy says incredulously. 'THEN what happened?'

 

'Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie

and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.

 

'NO!' he exclaims. 'And she let him?'

 

'Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees

and began to kiss her all over....'

 

Then the frantic man screams, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED?'

 

'Damned if I know. I got an erection and fell off my perch!'

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Darren Bent is ill, so Jaunde Ramos offers to do his shopping for him. While in Sainsbury's he bumps into Arsene Wenger. 'What are you doing in here, Juande?' asks Wenger. 'Getting a bag of potatoes for Darren Bent,' he replies. 'Sounds like a good swap to me,' says Wenger.

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