Saint in Paradise Posted 27 August, 2008 Share Posted 27 August, 2008 A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing. The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.' The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to the mortician , 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I' m very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check. 'There's no charge,' she says. 'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says. 'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.' 'So I just switched the heads.' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ponty Posted 27 August, 2008 Share Posted 27 August, 2008 From the title, I thought this was going to be racist TBH. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Saint_clark Posted 27 August, 2008 Share Posted 27 August, 2008 From the title, I thought this was going to be racist TBH. Are you trying to suggest that black people are "dark"? Infraction points for Ponty IMO. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ponty Posted 27 August, 2008 Share Posted 27 August, 2008 It says a lot about me and what I expect from this website, it's true Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Saint in Paradise Posted 27 August, 2008 Author Share Posted 27 August, 2008 Ponty, please change the title then, I am unable to do so Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ponty Posted 27 August, 2008 Share Posted 27 August, 2008 Ummmmmmm.... Ok. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ponty Posted 27 August, 2008 Share Posted 27 August, 2008 I tried to think of something clever and witty. I failed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Deppo Posted 27 August, 2008 Share Posted 27 August, 2008 It's cheque...a blank cheque. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jillyanne Posted 27 August, 2008 Share Posted 27 August, 2008 Not funny................. well possibly. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Master Bates Posted 28 August, 2008 Share Posted 28 August, 2008 How do you kill an American? Put a scratch and sniff card at the bottom of a swimming pool. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Master Bates Posted 4 September, 2008 Share Posted 4 September, 2008 Carlsberg don't do family slaughter... but Fosters do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scott_saints Posted 4 September, 2008 Share Posted 4 September, 2008 Why did the chicken cross the road?? I dunno, I'd ask him if I could speak chicken language. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OldNick Posted 4 September, 2008 Share Posted 4 September, 2008 Daddy where does poo come from? dad explains, food passes through the stomach to where it is digested and then the waste goes through the intestines and colon and then comes out as poo.' 'oh' the boy replies 'where the f### does Tigger come from?' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arizona Posted 4 September, 2008 Share Posted 4 September, 2008 Why did the chicken cross the road?? Hope this helps. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Master Bates Posted 4 September, 2008 Share Posted 4 September, 2008 (edited) Hope this helps. :shock: Edited 4 September, 2008 by Master Bates Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thedelldays Posted 4 September, 2008 Share Posted 4 September, 2008 what is black and sits at the top of the stairs... stephen hawkings in a house fire.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Evil Monkey Posted 4 September, 2008 Share Posted 4 September, 2008 2 blokes talking in a bar. Bloke 1: I could have sex with any woman in this place. Bloke 2: Oh yeah, hows that? Bloke 1: I'm a rapist. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Saint Keith Posted 4 September, 2008 Share Posted 4 September, 2008 "give it here" "no its mine" "let me have it" "its my turn" "u had it last" "**** off!" "come on gimmie it" "no way!"............ siamese twins having a ****. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Master Bates Posted 8 September, 2008 Share Posted 8 September, 2008 In our house HP and Daddies Sauce aren't the same thing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notnowcato Posted 8 September, 2008 Share Posted 8 September, 2008 A bloke, having split from his latest girlfriend,decided to take a holiday. He booked himself on a cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank. He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In disbelief, he asks, 'Where did you come from? How did you get here?'. She replies, 'I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank.' 'Amazing,' he notes. 'You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you'. ' Oh, this thing?' explains the woman, 'I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.' 'But, where did you get the tools?' 'Oh, that was no problem,' replied the woman. 'On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware.' The guy is stunned. 'Let's row over to my place', she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, 'It's not much but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?' 'No! No thank you,' he blurts out, still dazed. 'I can't take another drop of coconut juice'. 'It's not coconut juice,' winks the woman. 'I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?' Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, 'I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet.' No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism. 'This woman is amazing,' he muses. 'What next?' When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her. 'Tell me,' she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, 'We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?' She stares into his eyes ..... He swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes..... '****ing hell, don't tell me you've got Sky Sports? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Big Poppa Posted 9 September, 2008 Share Posted 9 September, 2008 A man found himself lost and wandering in a forest. After a few hours trying to find his way, he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an old Chinese man with a long, grey beard. 'I'm lost,' said the man. 'Can you put me up for the night?' 'Certainly,' the Chinese man said, 'but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man.' 'Ok,' said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house. Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, stunningly beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during the night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy. He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, 'Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest.' 'Well, that's pretty crappy,' he thought. 'If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about.' He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: 'Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle.' In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones were better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read; 'Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost.' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Big Poppa Posted 9 September, 2008 Share Posted 9 September, 2008 I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pickpocketed. How could anyone stoop so low? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Big Poppa Posted 9 September, 2008 Share Posted 9 September, 2008 A guy gets pulled over by a policeman for speeding. As the policeman is writing up the ticket, the guy asks... "Can you arrest me for calling you a filthy name?" "Yes" replies the policeman. He then asks, "Can you arrest me for thinking something?" "No" replies the policeman. "Well then," says the man, "I think you're a ****!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Master Bates Posted 11 September, 2008 Share Posted 11 September, 2008 Are KFC doing a Twin Tower Meal today? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Master Bates Posted 12 September, 2008 Share Posted 12 September, 2008 Do you think that Jesus was the first pin-up icon? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
INFLUENCED.COM Posted 12 September, 2008 Share Posted 12 September, 2008 Amir Khan has confirmed Muslims do not drink....Last Saturday he didn't get a round in Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Johnny Shearer Posted 12 September, 2008 Share Posted 12 September, 2008 How do you make a bear cross? Just nail two together. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Johnny Shearer Posted 12 September, 2008 Share Posted 12 September, 2008 Why did the chicken cross the road?? I dunno, I'd ask him if I could speak chicken language. Why did the chicken cross the road? Cause Stone Cold said so. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Master Bates Posted 16 September, 2008 Share Posted 16 September, 2008 An American and a Russian in front of the urinals. The American pulls out his huge **** and says proudly to the Russian: Buffalo Bill! The Russian pulls out three enormous ****s and says: Chernobyl! _____________ I bought some sexy lingerie to spice things up in the bedroom with my wife. She thought I looked ridiculous in them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
INFLUENCED.COM Posted 16 September, 2008 Share Posted 16 September, 2008 Ive just handed in my notice at the helium baloon factory.....I'm not being spoken to like that Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dubai_phil Posted 16 September, 2008 Share Posted 16 September, 2008 Ive just handed in my notice at the helium baloon factory.....I'm not being spoken to like that lucky = they would have sacked you for your spelling Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gemmel Posted 16 September, 2008 Share Posted 16 September, 2008 Some bloke in the paralympics has just tested positive for WD40 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arizona Posted 16 September, 2008 Share Posted 16 September, 2008 What's the difference between a Ferrari and a box full of dead babies? I don't have a Ferrari in my garage. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Master Bates Posted 18 September, 2008 Share Posted 18 September, 2008 I think my uncle was a ventriloquist, He used to put his hand up my bum and tell me not to talk. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marsdinho Posted 18 September, 2008 Share Posted 18 September, 2008 Why did the Baby cross the road? Because I threw it Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
saint_stevo Posted 18 September, 2008 Share Posted 18 September, 2008 whats black and bumps into tables? Jordans son Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marsdinho Posted 18 September, 2008 Share Posted 18 September, 2008 Broken arms: Painful, but humerus Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Evil Monkey Posted 18 September, 2008 Share Posted 18 September, 2008 How do you make a 7 year old girl cry twice? Use her teddy to wipe the blood off. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Block 18 Posted 18 September, 2008 Share Posted 18 September, 2008 Whats black at both ends and red in the middle? Two rotweillers ripping a baby appart. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crouchie's Lawyer Posted 19 September, 2008 Share Posted 19 September, 2008 Whats yellow, sits at the end of your bed and takes the p*ss? A kidney dialysis machine. I actually got a warning for sending that joke around the office at my previous job because (and I didnt realise) the lady who complained's Mum was on a dialysis machine :roll: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Master Bates Posted 22 September, 2008 Share Posted 22 September, 2008 I'm not sure about Bukakke...I mean it's just so in your face Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jawillwill Posted 23 September, 2008 Share Posted 23 September, 2008 Who is faster at going down USAIN BOLT or POMPEY Forgone conclusion really! POMPEY! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robsk II Posted 23 September, 2008 Share Posted 23 September, 2008 what is black and sits at the top of the stairs... stephen hawkings in a house fire.. A) Old B) Incredibly amusing, laughing at the concept of wheelchair users dying in fire. HAHAHA Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hatch Posted 23 September, 2008 Share Posted 23 September, 2008 A) Old B) Incredibly amusing, laughing at the concept of wheelchair users dying in fire. HAHAHA how did he get his wheel chair up stairs. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jawillwill Posted 23 September, 2008 Share Posted 23 September, 2008 what is black and sits at the top of the stairs... stephen hawkings in a house fire.. There's only 1 of him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crouchie's Lawyer Posted 23 September, 2008 Share Posted 23 September, 2008 how did he get his wheel chair up stairs. He keeps it at the top of the stairs and uses a Stenna Stair lift to get up and down. He has two wheelchairs (Yes Wheelie Stevo/Deppo) one for upstairs, one for down Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pancake Posted 23 September, 2008 Share Posted 23 September, 2008 Who is faster at going down USAIN BOLT or POMPEY Forgone conclusion really! POMPEY! Is Bolt well known for going down fast then? I assumed he was a short distance sprinter... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jawillwill Posted 23 September, 2008 Share Posted 23 September, 2008 Is Bolt well known for going down fast then? I assumed he was a short distance sprinter... Yea he is. Bolt is the guy who broke the records at the Olympics lol. It was a joke about him going fast and Pompey going down lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crouchie's Lawyer Posted 23 September, 2008 Share Posted 23 September, 2008 Yea he is. Bolt is the guy who broke the records at the Olympics lol. It was a joke about him going fast and Pompey going down lol Did you make that up yourself? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CabbageFace Posted 23 September, 2008 Share Posted 23 September, 2008 what is black and sits at the top of the stairs... Usain Bolt. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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