hypochondriac Posted 21 March, 2009 Share Posted 21 March, 2009 A lad takes his girlfriend home to meet his parents but before they go in he warns his girlfriend "Both my parents are deaf and dumb" .. they go in and the lad's mum is sat there with a beer bottle in her f*nny, and his dad is sat there with his balls out and a matchstick in his eyelid. The lad's girlfriend says "What the f#ck is going on here?" the lad replies.. "Oh don't worry, its sign language.. my mum is saying get the beers in you c*nt and my dad is saying boll*cks, I'm watching the match!!!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mole Posted 21 March, 2009 Share Posted 21 March, 2009 I'm glad i wasn't told that in person as i'd have struggled to put on a fake laugh. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Baj Posted 21 March, 2009 Share Posted 21 March, 2009 did you forget the punchline? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EastleighSoulBoy Posted 21 March, 2009 Share Posted 21 March, 2009 I wish to return this 'joke' as 'Not suitable for purpose'. Can I have my £5 back please Baj? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mole Posted 21 March, 2009 Share Posted 21 March, 2009 Paddy gets a job painting the white lines on the road. On his first day he paints 8 miles, on his second day he paints 3 miles and on his third day he paints just 1 mile. His boss wasn't happy with him and asked "why are you painting less every day?" "Because each day i'm getting further away from the can of paint" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Baj Posted 21 March, 2009 Share Posted 21 March, 2009 I wish to return this 'joke' as 'Not suitable for purpose'. Can I have my £5 back please Baj? It's rare, but for this, yes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Block 18 Posted 22 March, 2009 Share Posted 22 March, 2009 A blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an 'exotic' pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of live frogs. The sign says: 'SEX FROGS' Only £20 each! Comes with 'complete' instructions. The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, 'I'll TAKE one!' As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, 'Just follow the instructions! The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home. As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully. She does EXACTLY what is specified: 1. Take a shower. 2. Splash on some nice perfume. 3. Slip into a very sexy nightie. 4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you, and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do. She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise . . NOTHING happens! The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, 'If you have any problems or questions . please call the pet store.' So, she calls the pet store. The man says, 'I'll be right over.' Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The blonde welcomes him in and says, 'See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn frog just SITS there!' The man . . . looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares 'directly into its eyes' and STERNLY says: 'LISTEN TO ME!! I'm only going to show you how to do this ONE ... MORE ... TIME!!!' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JustMike Posted 22 March, 2009 Share Posted 22 March, 2009 Paddy gets a job painting the white lines on the road. On his first day he paints 8 miles, on his second day he paints 3 miles and on his third day he paints just 1 mile. His boss wasn't happy with him and asked "why are you painting less every day?" "Because each day i'm getting further away from the can of paint" i lol'd :-) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
saint boggy Posted 22 March, 2009 Share Posted 22 March, 2009 man gets home from work and says to his wife,"get me a beer before it starts!! ". he drinks it and says "quick get me another before it starts!!". again, she gets it, he drinks it and says "another, before it starts!!" she says "listen ere, you fat ,lazy c*nt, you walk in ,sit down and start barking orders...who the f*ck do you think you are??" he says "f*ck me, it's started!!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nick1579 Posted 23 March, 2009 Share Posted 23 March, 2009 Met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week. Phoned her up for a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
skintsaint Posted 23 March, 2009 Share Posted 23 March, 2009 2 hookers on a street corner. 1 says, "I think it'll be a good night 2nite... I smell **** in the air". The other says, "Yeah sorry... I just burped" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pancake Posted 23 March, 2009 Share Posted 23 March, 2009 2 hookers on a street corner. 1 says, "I think it'll be a good night 2nite... I smell **** in the air". The other says, "Yeah sorry... I just burped" Wine? Corn? John? Frog? Book? Leaf? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hamster Posted 23 March, 2009 Share Posted 23 March, 2009 2 hookers on a street corner. 1 says, "I think it'll be a good night 2nite... I smell **** in the air". The other says, "Yeah sorry... I just burped" Fear? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
skintsaint Posted 23 March, 2009 Share Posted 23 March, 2009 yeah filter kinda ruined that one eh...it was supposed to say penis..but a more vulgar term Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pancake Posted 23 March, 2009 Share Posted 23 March, 2009 Fear? We have a winner... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
John Boy Saint Posted 23 March, 2009 Share Posted 23 March, 2009 The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party. The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger" .. "In honor of the Harvest Festival, YOU will be executed in three days." "Before I kill you, I grant you three requests" "What is your FIRST request ???' The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse." The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. as the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night. The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed.. "You have a very fine and loyal horse". "But I will still kill you in two days." "What is your SECOND request ???" The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Rangers tent and spends the night. The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents,". "But I will still kill you tomorrow." "What is your LAST request ???" The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse, .... alone." The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, Looks him square in the eye and says: Listen Very Carefully !!!! .........FOR... THE... LAST... TIME... I SAID ... ......."BRING POSSE"! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
saint boggy Posted 23 March, 2009 Share Posted 23 March, 2009 yeah filter kinda ruined that one eh...it was supposed to say penis..but a more vulgar term d1ck???? HTH x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
saint boggy Posted 23 March, 2009 Share Posted 23 March, 2009 my dad has had a bad back for years.... he's had all sorts of treatment on it he's had acupunture, that didn't work :-( he's had Thai massage, that didn't work :-( he's tried hypnotherapy, that didn't work :-( he's had surgery, that didn't help at all :-( so, as a last resort he tried a new alternative therapy, where a Holistic Practitioner rubs lard into the affected area (in this case all over my dad's back) well, it worked wonders and he was able to go out on walks in the countryside. unfortunately things aren't so great now though, he fell the other day....... now he's goin downhill fast!! :smt081 8-[ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hamster Posted 23 March, 2009 Share Posted 23 March, 2009 I have some new aftershave, it is called 'come to me'. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arizona Posted 24 March, 2009 Share Posted 24 March, 2009 I hit a dwarf at a zebra crossing the other day. He came up to the driver's window and said, "I'm not happy!" I said, "alright, which one are you?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hamster Posted 24 March, 2009 Share Posted 24 March, 2009 A bloke over the field where I was walking the dog had the wind blow his hat off in our general direction. My dog ripped it to pieces as a doggies tend to do with such items of clothing. The bloke came over and started moaning about the state of his hat. I told him that he should take up the matter with my dog, if he was feeling brave enough. He said "I don't think that I like your attitude". "Idiot" I said, "it wasn't my hat he chewed, it was YOUR hat he chewed". He didn;t see the funny side either. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Master Bates Posted 24 March, 2009 Share Posted 24 March, 2009 I'd like to get my teeth into dentistry. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
skintsaint Posted 24 March, 2009 Share Posted 24 March, 2009 whats green and smells of pork? Kermits Fingers Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Smirking_Saint Posted 24 March, 2009 Share Posted 24 March, 2009 An Irishman is really, really drunk, so the bar keeper walks up to him and says: "Right, you've had enough, go home..." So the irishman gets up off his stool and falls flat on his face, so he says: "Ok, i'll crawl outside instead, to sober up a bit more" He gets outside, and falls flat on his face, so instead he crawls the four streets to his home. when he gets home he opens the door, standing, and yet again falls flat on his face. so he crawls upstairs into his room, stands up and falls flat on his bed and falls fast asleep straight away. The following morning his wife wakes him up and says, 'You've been drinking again haven't you?' The Irishman replies, 'What makes you say that?' His wife replies, 'Well the pub just called, you've left your wheelchair there again!' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pancake Posted 24 March, 2009 Share Posted 24 March, 2009 I have some new aftershave, it is called 'come to me'. I dont get it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jillyanne Posted 24 March, 2009 Share Posted 24 March, 2009 I dont get it. + 1. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Durleyfos Posted 24 March, 2009 Share Posted 24 March, 2009 I have some new aftershave, it is called 'come to me'. I dont get it. + 1. It dosen't smell like come to me... Anyway, a bloke says to his mate "I've been taking steroids and I've grown an extra c*ck" "Anabolic?" asks his mate. "No, just a c*ck" says the bloke. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Smirking_Saint Posted 24 March, 2009 Share Posted 24 March, 2009 It dosen't smell like come to me... Anyway, a bloke says to his mate "I've been taking steroids and I've grown an extra c*ck" "Anabolic?" asks his mate. "No, just a c*ck" says the bloke. Favourite so far !! 2 fish in a tank One turns to the other and says.. "Don't know how to drive this do you ?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hamster Posted 24 March, 2009 Share Posted 24 March, 2009 It dosen't smell like come to me... . Almost. "Does it smell like cum to you" Anyway Johnny's class are doing spelling and the teacher says they are all to write a few sentences making use of the word "Contageous". Johnny wrote: "Last weekend my Daddy broke the lawnmower. Mummy made him cut the lawn with a pair of kitchen scissors and it took the contageous" God, I hope I haven't mispelt anythink there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
INFLUENCED.COM Posted 24 March, 2009 Share Posted 24 March, 2009 The Lesbians next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday, very nice..but I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch Man charges into a bank with a shotgun wearing a mask, 'this is a raid, everyone on the floor' as he starts taking all the cash a brave customer yanks off his mask so the robber shoots him 'anyone else see my face ?'...there was silence for a few moments when a man shouts 'think that french guy caught a glimpse' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gingeletiss Posted 24 March, 2009 Share Posted 24 March, 2009 (edited) Anyway Johnny's class are doing spelling and the teacher says they are all to write a few sentences making use of the word "Contageous". Johnny wrote: "Last weekend my Daddy broke the lawnmower. Mummy made him cut the lawn with a pair of kitchen scissors and it took the contageous" God, I hope I haven't mispelt anythink there. LOOK AFTER YOUR WIFE... A couple of weeks ago, I was sitting on the patio, drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn. Cheryl from next door saw us and was so upset that she came over and yelled at me. 'You lazy pr1ck! Sitting there drinking beer while your poor wife pushes that ancient lawn mower around! Get up off your arse and give her a break!' I thought 'Sh1t! ... Women!'....I took another swig from my stubby, wiped the cold foam from my lips, lifted my sunnies, stared directly at this nosey cow and told her in no uncertain terms, 'F** k off, and mind your own business. My wife has green fingers, and she really enjoys gardening'. After a few days I felt really bad , so I went out and bought her a ride-on mower to show my sensitive side. I am so proud of the deal I got. I am also proud that my wife can now sit down while mowing the lawn. Yes guys , after all we should take good care of our wives ... that way maybe they will take good care of us. I have attached a picture below. I hope it comes through OK [see below] I'M TOO BLOODY SOFT WITH HER, SHE WILL WANT GEARS ON IT NEXT Edited 24 March, 2009 by Pancake Put the image in for you Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Durleyfos Posted 24 March, 2009 Share Posted 24 March, 2009 Walkers Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Saint_clark Posted 24 March, 2009 Share Posted 24 March, 2009 LOOK AFTER YOUR WIFE... A couple of weeks ago, I was sitting on the patio, drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn. Cheryl from next door saw us and was so upset that she came over and yelled at me. 'You lazy pr1ck! Sitting there drinking beer while your poor wife pushes that ancient lawn mower around! Get up off your arse and give her a break!' I thought 'Sh1t! ... Women!'....I took another swig from my stubby, wiped the cold foam from my lips, lifted my sunnies, stared directly at this nosey cow and told her in no uncertain terms, 'F** k off, and mind your own business. My wife has green fingers, and she really enjoys gardening'. After a few days I felt really bad , so I went out and bought her a ride-on mower to show my sensitive side. I am so proud of the deal I got. I am also proud that my wife can now sit down while mowing the lawn. Yes guys , after all we should take good care of our wives ... that way maybe they will take good care of us. I have attached a picture below. I hope it comes through OK [see below] I'M TOO BLOODY SOFT WITH HER, SHE WILL WANT GEARS ON IT NEXT Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arizona Posted 24 March, 2009 Share Posted 24 March, 2009 A guy is standing in the bar when he spots a girl he likes the look of. He goes up to her and asks her name. "Carmen," she says. "Ah right, as in the opera?" he asks "Well no actually, it's sort of a nickname my friends gave me, because I like cars and men" "Oh right" "So anyway, what's your name?" the girl asks the guy "Beerf*ck" he replies. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hamster Posted 24 March, 2009 Share Posted 24 March, 2009 A guy is standing in the bar when he spots a girl he likes the look of. He goes up to her and asks her name. "Carmen," she says. "Ah right, as in the opera?" he asks "Well no actually, it's sort of a nickname my friends gave me, because I like cars and men" "Oh right" "So anyway, what's your name?" the girl asks the guy "Beerf*ck" he replies. I girls used to call me "Wild Turkey". I'm not crazy or anything and I ain't no farmyard bird, just a fancy liquor. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JonnyLove Posted 24 March, 2009 Share Posted 24 March, 2009 Why did God create woman. So you have something to carry the spunk from the bedroom to the bathroom Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Durleyfos Posted 25 March, 2009 Share Posted 25 March, 2009 Walkers are to add a new flavour to their range, 'Semen' flavour. They will be marketed as 'Diet Crisps' as 97.5% of women will spit them out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dog Posted 25 March, 2009 Share Posted 25 March, 2009 (edited) I've a horrible feeling I'm under surveillance. I've been looking at Google Street View and the same van has been outside my house for days now. Edited 25 March, 2009 by Dog Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dog Posted 27 March, 2009 Share Posted 27 March, 2009 My sexy secretary bent over at the office today, so I pulled down her panties and tried to start fingering her, but she screamed and ran away. I was very confused and pondered the situation for a long time. I've come to the conclusion that real life must be different to porn movies. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hamster Posted 27 March, 2009 Share Posted 27 March, 2009 I've come to the conclusion that real life must be different to porn movies. She was probably one of those thesbians, you should have percevered (sp) she would have thanked you for it eventually. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dog Posted 27 March, 2009 Share Posted 27 March, 2009 http://www.ukdata.com/company-credit-reports/RAY-PUGH-SERVICES-LIMITED.html Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Block 18 Posted 28 March, 2009 Share Posted 28 March, 2009 A little boy says to his mother, "Mommy, how come I'm black and you're white?" His mother replied, "Don't even go there! From what I can remember about that party, you're lucky you don't bark! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hamster Posted 28 March, 2009 Share Posted 28 March, 2009 How do you keep an idiot in suspense? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Johnny Bognor Posted 28 March, 2009 Share Posted 28 March, 2009 http://www.ukdata.com/company-credit-reports/RAY-PUGH-SERVICES-LIMITED.html That's nearly as good as Wayne Kerr Electronics http://www.waynekerrtest.com/ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wiltshire Saint Posted 28 March, 2009 Share Posted 28 March, 2009 LOOK AFTER YOUR WIFE... A couple of weeks ago, I was sitting on the patio, drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn. Cheryl from next door saw us and was so upset that she came over and yelled at me. 'You lazy pr1ck! Sitting there drinking beer while your poor wife pushes that ancient lawn mower around! Get up off your arse and give her a break!' I thought 'Sh1t! ... Women!'....I took another swig from my stubby, wiped the cold foam from my lips, lifted my sunnies, stared directly at this nosey cow and told her in no uncertain terms, 'F** k off, and mind your own business. My wife has green fingers, and she really enjoys gardening'. After a few days I felt really bad , so I went out and bought her a ride-on mower to show my sensitive side. I am so proud of the deal I got. I am also proud that my wife can now sit down while mowing the lawn. Yes guys , after all we should take good care of our wives ... that way maybe they will take good care of us. I have attached a picture below. I hope it comes through OK [see below] I'M TOO BLOODY SOFT WITH HER, SHE WILL WANT GEARS ON IT NEXT Did you read the thread title? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jeff leopard Posted 28 March, 2009 Share Posted 28 March, 2009 what do you get if you cross bernard manning and furgal sharky? racist undertones Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ottery st mary Posted 28 March, 2009 Share Posted 28 March, 2009 LOOK AFTER YOUR WIFE... A couple of weeks ago, I was sitting on the patio, drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn. Cheryl from next door saw us and was so upset that she came over and yelled at me. 'You lazy pr1ck! Sitting there drinking beer while your poor wife pushes that ancient lawn mower around! Get up off your arse and give her a break!' I thought 'Sh1t! ... Women!'....I took another swig from my stubby, wiped the cold foam from my lips, lifted my sunnies, stared directly at this nosey cow and told her in no uncertain terms, 'F** k off, and mind your own business. My wife has green fingers, and she really enjoys gardening'. After a few days I felt really bad , so I went out and bought her a ride-on mower to show my sensitive side. I am so proud of the deal I got. I am also proud that my wife can now sit down while mowing the lawn. Yes guys , after all we should take good care of our wives ... that way maybe they will take good care of us. I have attached a picture below. I hope it comes through OK [see below] I'M TOO BLOODY SOFT WITH HER, SHE WILL WANT GEARS ON IT NEXT This is terrible...Have you no consideration for the poor lady...Mudguards for the two front wheels to stop bits damaging her poor legs... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jillyanne Posted 28 March, 2009 Share Posted 28 March, 2009 what do you get if you cross bernard manning and furgal sharky? racist undertones I don't understand this joke. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jeff leopard Posted 28 March, 2009 Share Posted 28 March, 2009 I don't understand this joke. furgal sharky was the leadsinger with the undertones. (i'm assuming you agree Bernard Manning was a racist ) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Atticus Finch of Maycomb Posted 28 March, 2009 Share Posted 28 March, 2009 this must be the worst collection of jokes anywhere on the internet Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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