Dog Posted 27 February, 2009 Share Posted 27 February, 2009 I was visiting a new building site yesterday, I needed a dump and used one of the toilets in the houses. After finding out there was no toilet roll or other useful material, I then decided to wipe my brown sauce on my right sock, and then my left sock, and finally my pants. Job done and back to work after disgarding my smalls in the airing cupboard. Several hours later, and several houses, a petrol station, a pub, a sandwich shop and a good walk down the high street, then something caught my eye as I was checking out the birds in the hair salon, a white ball of mystery was following my every move! No, it was my boxer shorts, the ones I disgarded in the airing cupboard, they must have lost a thread and caught up inside my trousers as I pulled them up, and now they were following me around town like a lost lamb. The skidmarks were sunnyside up and glistening in the afternoon sun for all to see. I am now shaving my head, growing a moustache and moving house. Just wondering what other items people have used in the call of duty? dog Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
saint_stevo Posted 27 February, 2009 Share Posted 27 February, 2009 On the golf course i have used old gloves, old scorecards and any foliage i could find anywhere Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dog Posted 27 February, 2009 Author Share Posted 27 February, 2009 On the golf course i have used old gloves, old scorecards and any foliage i could find anywhere Did you slide it down the hole like a pro golfer? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swannymere Posted 27 February, 2009 Share Posted 27 February, 2009 Dock Leaves and a dead cat. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mikey_boosh Posted 27 February, 2009 Share Posted 27 February, 2009 Heard some similar stories from sites myself. One apprentice apparently used fibreglass insulation! He was taken to hospital shortly after. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scudamore Posted 27 February, 2009 Share Posted 27 February, 2009 Leaves...they were so waxy though it wasn't really working And newspaper... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hatch Posted 27 February, 2009 Share Posted 27 February, 2009 SPoons. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SNSUN Posted 27 February, 2009 Share Posted 27 February, 2009 Was once in a club when attacked by a dose of the squits. Found myself in this dive of a toilet which no human in their right mind would have sat on, hovering over to empty my arse cavity. No toilet roll in sight, I improvised using my handkerchief and the inner tube of a toilet roll that had been left, before opening the window behind and chucking both items out. I hadn't realised that below was an outside drinking area. Needless to say I hastily made for the exit. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Golden Balls Posted 27 February, 2009 Share Posted 27 February, 2009 I was once out in town when I was busting for a dump. Got to the toilet and there was no toilets roll, so broke into the staff area, took a seat and ruined the toilet. Then realised there was no toilet roll there either. With my trousers around my ankles and ******** firmly cupped, I walked out the toilet into the staff room (no staff there) and found a nice black cardigan! Flossed away, then put it back! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hamster Posted 28 February, 2009 Share Posted 28 February, 2009 I was once out in town when I was busting for a dump. Got to the toilet and there was no toilets roll, so broke into the staff area, took a seat and ruined the toilet. Then realised there was no toilet roll there either. With my trousers around my ankles and ******** firmly cupped, I walked out the toilet into the staff room (no staff there) and found a nice black cardigan! Flossed away, then put it back! Are you BWP? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Golden Balls Posted 28 February, 2009 Share Posted 28 February, 2009 Are you BWP? no...I put it back. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Badger Posted 28 February, 2009 Share Posted 28 February, 2009 Remember a bloke in a pub complaining of no bog roll when he returned from the gents,and saying he had resorted to using his cheque book as an alternative. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mole Posted 1 March, 2009 Share Posted 1 March, 2009 Why is it you always notice there's no bog roll after you've had a sh1t? I normally find some old receipts in my wallet and make do like that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arizona Posted 1 March, 2009 Share Posted 1 March, 2009 Several Ferrets. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dubai_phil Posted 1 March, 2009 Share Posted 1 March, 2009 The old Arabic Bedouin method in the desert when water is scarce is to use one small napkin or tissue folded into a traingle shape, tear the top corner off (a small hole) and place your left index finger up through the triangle and out through the hole. The finger is then used to wipe out the klingons. When finished, the tissue is carefully folded around the finger and carefully used to wipe it clean. This incredibly useful fact is explained to newbies here as the reason why, when in the company of locals at a meal, one NEVER EVER uses one's left hand to put food up to one's mouth..... HTH Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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