Gingeletiss Posted 1 February, 2009 Share Posted 1 February, 2009 A young man moved into a new apartment on his own, and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming" He followed her into her apartment, she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "what would you say is my best feature"? Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears" Astounded, and a little hurt she asked "My ears? Look at these breasts, they are full and 100% natural, I work out every day, my butt is firm and solid, look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?" Clearing his throat, he stammered "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming? That was me!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jillyanne Posted 1 February, 2009 Share Posted 1 February, 2009 What does a clock do if it's hungry? Go back four seconds. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marsdinho Posted 1 February, 2009 Share Posted 1 February, 2009 Tony Hart's funeral has been penciled in for next week... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EastleighSoulBoy Posted 1 February, 2009 Share Posted 1 February, 2009 A very loud, fat, greasy, unattractive, chav type woman wearing a Poopmouth top walked into ASDA in Southampton with her two umpalumpa kids,yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. The ASDA greeter said pleasantly, 'Good morning madam, and welcome to ASDA. Nice children you have there. Are they twins by any chance?' The ugly fat woman stopped yelling long enough to say,'F**kin hell no,they're not twins yer ****. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the f**kin ell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, thick, stupid or just a f**kin cheese eater?' 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Madam,'replied the greeter. 'I just couldn't believe you've been ****ged twice. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hamster Posted 1 February, 2009 Share Posted 1 February, 2009 I was behind a bird in ASDA the other day. The young lad on the checkout said "I bet that you're single, yeah?" "Yes I am" she said "Is it the 'meal for one' that gave it away?" "No" he said, "It's 'cos you is ****ing ugly" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gingeletiss Posted 2 February, 2009 Author Share Posted 2 February, 2009 Fred goes to the hospital with a personal problem..... And...... Nurses aren't supposed to laugh 'Of course I won't laugh, I'm a professional nurse. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.' 'Okay then,' Fred said and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'man thingy' the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than an AAA battery. Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling then fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later she was able to struggle to her feet and regain her composure. 'I'm so sorry,' said the nurse. 'I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now, tell me,what seems to be the problem?' '...It's swollen,' Fred replied. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BadgerBadger Posted 3 February, 2009 Share Posted 3 February, 2009 I went to the Sperm Bank the other day, just out of curiosity. What a load of old wn@k that was. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hamster Posted 3 February, 2009 Share Posted 3 February, 2009 There is a much funnier joke here: http://www.saintsweb.co.uk/forum/showthread.php?t=9243 HTH Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gingeletiss Posted 3 February, 2009 Author Share Posted 3 February, 2009 There is a much funnier joke here: http://www.saintsweb.co.uk/forum/showthread.php?t=9243 HTH Lol....talk about promoting your own thread;) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gingeletiss Posted 9 February, 2009 Author Share Posted 9 February, 2009 At 85 years of age, Roger married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old. Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over exert himself if they spend the entire night together. After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock' on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 85-year-old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep. After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Roger, Again he is ready for more 'action'. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newly weds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves. She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it - Roger Is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more 'action'. And, once more they enjoy each other. But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I AM thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age that were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger.' Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I was here already?' The moral of the story: Don't be afraid of getting old: Alzheimer's has its advantages. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brmbrm Posted 11 February, 2009 Share Posted 11 February, 2009 The recession is here and Doug and Mary decide the only way to ge some more dosh is for Mary to go out on the game. After her first evening's work she come home. "How much did you earn?" syas doug "Fifty pounds and fifty pence". "What mean sod gave you 50 pence?????" "All of them" (Sorry if its been done before) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
St Landrew Posted 12 February, 2009 Share Posted 12 February, 2009 (edited) A mother got onto a busy bus with a baby in her arms. She had no trouble getting a seat, as the passengers fell away in awe and fright. She sat there completely unaware until the bus conductor came to her seat. Damn..! The word crept from his lips. What do you mean damn..?, asked the woman. That's an ugly baby you've got there Mrs. That's a bad looking baby..! Where the hell did you get that baby..? Jeez, that's ugly. The woman, grossly insulted, got up from her seat. I'm not taking that kind of language. Where are your manners..? Have you none at all..? I'm going to report you to your company. Let me off as the bus goes past..! On the upper deck, an inspector had been doing his rounds, and heard the noise downstairs. He fought his way through the packed bus. Come on people, let me through... Hey, what's going on here..? The woman turned.. That conductor of yours has insulted me, and I won't stand for it. Well I'm really sorry for that madam, said the inspector. This man will be severely punished. Our company is proud of its conduct and relationship with its customers, and I can only apologise deeply for any offence this man may have caused. Please accept this offer of a month's free ticket travel. And as a bonus, we'll give you a hand of bananas for your monkey. Edited 12 February, 2009 by St Landrew Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
INFLUENCED.COM Posted 12 February, 2009 Share Posted 12 February, 2009 Man says to his wife "tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time"............ she says"you have the biggest c*ck out of all of your friends" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scudamore Posted 16 February, 2009 Share Posted 16 February, 2009 Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log. "My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf," says Little Red Riding Hood. The surprised wolf jumps up and runs away! Further down the road, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again-this time he is crouched behind a tree stump. "My what big ears you have Mr. Wolf, " says Little Red Riding Hood. Again the foiled wolf jumps up and runs away! About two miles down the track, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time crouched down behind a road sign. "My, what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf," taunts Little Red Riding Hood. With that, the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams, "Will you get lost? I'm trying to take a sh:t!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gingeletiss Posted 16 February, 2009 Author Share Posted 16 February, 2009 CHINESE SICK LEAVE: 'I NO COME WOK TODAY!!!' Hung Chow calls his work and says, 'Hey, I no come wok today, I really sick . Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come wok.' The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me Sex. That Makes everything better and I go work. You try that.' Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what You say and I feel Great. I be at wok soon.........You got nice house.' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
INFLUENCED.COM Posted 17 February, 2009 Share Posted 17 February, 2009 Alfie Patten the 13 yr old father has joined 'Fathers for Justice', he said "it made sense as I already have a spiderman outfit" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gingeletiss Posted 17 February, 2009 Author Share Posted 17 February, 2009 Alfie Patten the 13 yr old father has joined 'Fathers for Justice', he said "it made sense as I already have a spiderman outfit" :smt082:smt082:roll: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pancake Posted 17 February, 2009 Share Posted 17 February, 2009 Oh crap, ive just posted that in the Lounge, now Im going to look like a right ****. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jillyanne Posted 17 February, 2009 Share Posted 17 February, 2009 Oh crap, ive just posted that in the Lounge, now Im going to look like a right ****. Ha ha. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hamster Posted 17 February, 2009 Share Posted 17 February, 2009 Oh crap, ive just posted that in the Lounge, now Im going to look like a right ****. And no-one batted an eyelid. What does that tell you? Don't answer that Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gingeletiss Posted 18 February, 2009 Author Share Posted 18 February, 2009 Mick, from Dublin, appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 pounds. You've done very well so far,' said, Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter, 'but for a million pounds you've only got one lifeline left - phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question......will you go for it?' 'Sure,' said Mick. 'I'll have a go!' 'Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?' A: Sparrow B: Thrush C: Magpie D: Cuckoo I haven't got a clue,' said Mick, 'so I'll use me last lifeline and phone me friend Paddy back home in Dublin'. Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him. 'Fookin hell, Mick!' cried Paddy. 'Dat's simple......it's a cuckoo.' 'Are you sure?' 'I'm fookin sure..' Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, 'I'll go wit Cuckoo as me answer.' 'Is that your final answer?' asked Chris 'Dat it is, Sir.' There was a long - long pause, then the presenter screamed, 'Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million pounds!' The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink. 'Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest? 'Because he lives in a Fookin clock!' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mole Posted 18 February, 2009 Share Posted 18 February, 2009 Forums rules means all my jokes are innapropriate. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dubai_phil Posted 19 February, 2009 Share Posted 19 February, 2009 Apologies if you've already seen it but it landed in my inbox today... http://www.oculture.com/2008/11/hitlers_real_estate_downfall.html Actually funnier than the one about the Spuds Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gingeletiss Posted 19 February, 2009 Author Share Posted 19 February, 2009 as a woman passes her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter giving herself a real workout with a vibrator. Shocked, she asked: "what in the world are you doing?" the daughter replied: "mom, i'm thirty-five years old ,unmarried, and this thing is about as close as i'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone." the next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator. To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said: "dad i'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as i'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone." a couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room. She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the tv. The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy. The wife asked: "what the hell are you doing?" the husband replied: "i'm watchin rugby with my son-in-law." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gingeletiss Posted 21 February, 2009 Author Share Posted 21 February, 2009 A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he decided to take a leak.... He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun. Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, and discharged... shooting him in the genitals. Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed he was approached by his doctor. 'Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the buckshot.' ''What's the bad news?' asked the hunter. 'The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis. I'm going to have to refer you to my brother.' 'Oh, well I guess that isn't too bad,' the hunter replied.. 'Is your brother a plastic surgeon?' 'Not exactly.' answered the doctor.. 'He's a flute player in the local symphony and he's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't **** in your eye.' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Master Bates Posted 22 February, 2009 Share Posted 22 February, 2009 Country House-£0 Dress-£0 Music-£0 A full head of hair-priceless TEIAM - problem solved Statistically 9/11 Americans won't get this joke. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jillyanne Posted 22 February, 2009 Share Posted 22 February, 2009 Country House-£0 Dress-£0 Music-£0 A full head of hair-priceless TEIAM - problem solved Statistically 9/11 Americans won't get this joke. Tbf I don't get this? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Master Bates Posted 22 February, 2009 Share Posted 22 February, 2009 Tbf I don't get this? It's not your fault Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gingeletiss Posted 22 February, 2009 Author Share Posted 22 February, 2009 I went into John Lewis today, to buy my girlfriend a new Bra. In the ladies department I was agog at the different styles, colours and sizes. Seeing my problem, a matronly lady came across and asked if she could help me. I explained that I wanted to buy a bra for my loved one, but was confused by all the different styles. "Well sir, there are in fact only four types of Bra" she said," only four" I replied with relief. "Yes sir, four, the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist" she said. Still confused I asked her to clarify this. "Well sir, the Catholic bra supports the masses, the Salvation Army bra lifts the fallen, the Presbyterian bra keeps them staunch and upright, and the Baptist bra makes mountains out of molehills. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hamster Posted 23 February, 2009 Share Posted 23 February, 2009 I went into John Lewis today, to buy my girlfriend a new Bra. In the ladies department I was agog at the different styles, colours and sizes. Seeing my problem, a matronly lady came across and asked if she could help me. I explained that I wanted to buy a bra for my loved one, but was confused by all the different styles. "Well sir, there are in fact only four types of Bra" she said," only four" I replied with relief. "Yes sir, four, the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist" she said. Still confused I asked her to clarify this. "Well sir, the Catholic bra supports the masses, the Salvation Army bra lifts the fallen, the Presbyterian bra keeps them staunch and upright, and the Baptist bra makes mountains out of molehills. So which did you decide on? + rule 1 of course. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gingeletiss Posted 1 March, 2009 Author Share Posted 1 March, 2009 On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting they began to wonder; could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in heaven. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out", and he left. The couple sat and waited for an answer... for a couple of months. While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? "What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?" Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven." "Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple. "OH, COME ON!!!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer???" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JohnnyFartPants Posted 4 March, 2009 Share Posted 4 March, 2009 A man staggers into a hospital with concussion, multiple bruises, 2 black eyes and a 5 iron wrapped round his throat. Doctor asks “What happened to you?” “Well, I was playing golf with my wife when we both sliced our balls into a field of cows. I found one stuck in a cow’s fanny. Lifting the tail, I yelled to my wife “this one looks like yours”, and after that I don’t remember much.” Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gingeletiss Posted 26 March, 2009 Author Share Posted 26 March, 2009 Your wife decides to go out with her friends on a girls night dancing.... You're okay with it, because you get to watch sports all night.... You hear her stumble into bed around 4am and laugh knowing she's Going to have a monster hangover.... You wake up next morning and go outside to the family Volvo, which She used last night... You sigh in relief because it's all in one piece.... You circle the car looking for dents and find none.... But then .... Wait a minute.... A picture is worth a thousand words.... SCROLL DOWN!!! : Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hamster Posted 26 March, 2009 Share Posted 26 March, 2009 Your wife decides to go out with her friends on a girls night dancing.... You're okay with it, because you get to watch sports all night.... You hear her stumble into bed around 4am and laugh knowing she's Going to have a monster hangover.... You wake up next morning and go outside to the family Volvo, which She used last night... You sigh in relief because it's all in one piece.... You circle the car looking for dents and find none.... But then .... Wait a minute.... A picture is worth a thousand words.... SCROLL DOWN!!! Hilarious. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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