Anorexia

[sadoldgit]

My 15 year old daughter has just been diagnosed with this. The problem I have is that she lives about 50 miles away from me with her mother who refuses to talk to me. We have been divorced for some time and she has remarried. I do have access to my daughter though. I want to help her but dont know what to do. If anyone has had a similar experience I'd be grateful for advice in how to deal with this. Thanks

[bridge too far]

Oh SOG I'm so sorry to hear this. It's a dreadful illness but, thankfully, there's much more recognition and treatment available than when my daughter had anorexia when she was 14.

 

Are you able to take her to her GP and instigate some sort of therapy? http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Anorexia-nervosa/Pages/Treatment.aspx

 

There was very little help available when my girl was ill and it got to the point where she was admitted as an emergency to an adolescent psychiatric unit.

 

That worked, sort of, but she suffered a number of relapses when she was at university. Although she learned how to manage her condition she then became very anxious and very prone to IBS. But now, as a mother of two girls, she's absolutely fine. Very very occasionally she gets anxiety attacks that can lead to her being unable to eat for a day or so but this is very rare.

 

Obviously it's very distressing for the patient and it's also really quite destructive to the family. It very nearly broke me, I have to say.

 

But that was then - treatments and therapies are much more widely available these days, thank goodness. The underlying cause IS NOT a desire to be thin but rather an attempt to gain some sort of control of something in her life. With my daughter it was the pressure of being a high achiever.

 

Please feel free to PM me if you want to. x

[sadoldgit]

Hey, thanks for the reply and I am so sorry to hear that you have been through this too. She is going to see a shrink on Friday and the school are now involved and will give her support (finally - that has been a struggle). Because of the distance and circumstances I dont see her as much as I like but do want to be there for her as much as I can be. Thanks for the link and I'll be in touch when I hear more if thats ok?

[bridge too far]

Yes please do - even if it's just to chat about it.

[sadoldgit]

Will do and thanks again!

[NI Saint]

My older sister was diagnosed with anorexia earlier this year. She is in her 40's and BTF is correct in that usually it is the person wanting to control something in their life.

 

My sister lives in Northern Ireland and I live in Germany so I found it very difficult and felt like I wasn't being very helpful, also she was admitted to a psychiatric hospital where she wasn't allowed her mobile phone so I couldn't get in touch with her easily. She said recently that knowing we weren't judging her or trying to force her to eat plus helping her to take small steps has helped her a lot.

 

She isn't fully recovered and it will take a lot more work on her part but hopefully she is on the mend. At the moment she is home and has an eating plan to follow every day. She sees a dietician and a counselor every week to see how she is doing. She also has blood tests done to check everything is OK. She is on anti depressants and other tablets due to what the anorexia has done to her. Your daughter's treatment maybe different to what my sister received as Northern Ireland is quite far behind in the way they treat eating disorders.

 

I hope your daughter starts to get well soon

[sadoldgit]

Hi NI Saint and thanks for the reply. The control issue is interesting as is the point about being non judgemental or putting pressure on to eat. Clearly I have a lot to get my head around. I hope your sister continues to improve and makes a full recovery. It is so hard when you cant be there to help! All the best mate.

[rick1976.4.38]

hi sog

sorry to hear your daughter suffers,it really is a dreadful mental illness.

sadly my daughter who's 18 on Saturday has this and its so sad and very depressing for all the family.

weve known since may last year but it started before this.

my daughter is at the Michael rutter center for help up here,part of kings college.

shes been sectioned twice cos of not eating and depression,also self harming.

its very hard to cope with and you and your family will have a lot on your hands now.

stay strong and give her all the support you can,even when she wont want it.

it totally controls them,and until she clicks and realises it doesn't need to control her,it will be a daily battle.

if you want a chat please do as its such a dreadful illness,no one will understand what you are going through,other than other families in the same situation

all the best to you and your family

rick

[sadoldgit]

Thanks Rick. I have seen some marks on her arms. I asked her about them and she said she didnt know how they got there but clearly she has self harmed. I have tried to talk to her but she doesnt want to go there. She has her first visit to the shrink tomorrow so thats a start. Thanks for your concern and all the best to you too.

[rick1976.4.38]

take it easy and anytime youd like any help please pm

good luck to all of you

Edited 17 July, 2014 by rick1976.4.38

[Bearsy]

The underlying cause IS NOT a desire to be thin but rather an attempt to gain some sort of control

 

My gf couple back had it quite bad when she was at school, I mean bad enough to be hospitalised. I would never have guessed cos she was so pretty & healthy & confidence when we went out but she showed me the pictures and I was like ****ing hell! She got cured by therapist & was completely fine since, so I guess that is optimism story!

 

She said the same as btf that it weren't really bout being skinny, I kind of doubted it myself cos how come it is much more common in girls? But I'm not licensed therapist, that is just what I was thinking when she was telling me about it. She said she started to get better almost as soon as it came out that she had a problem, cos anorexia thrives on secrecy.

 

Ps - Sorry to read bout these stories, I hope everyone gets healthy v.quick!

[sadoldgit]

Thanks for your input Bearsy. It is a mental illness that has a devastating effect on the body. It hs been very worrying to hear what it can do to the internal organs and bone mass. There have been some high profile fatalities, Karen Carpenter being one, and it is clearly a serious condition. It has been good to hear that the condition respond well to treatment so I am optimistic that my daughter will pull through. Thanks again guys for your support and positive input.

[Spudders]

My Mrs suffered from bulimia and other eating problems when she was younger. 15/20 years on and she's still having to take vitamins and supplements to offset the damage she did back then. Not only can these things impact health for the rest of people lives, they can also impact things such as chances of having children. I can't really offer any worthy advice SOG, but I just hope she gets the help and support she needs and you can all get on top of this now, before she does any long term damage. All the best.

[sadoldgit]

My Mrs suffered from bulimia and other eating problems when she was younger. 15/20 years on and she's still having to take vitamins and supplements to offset the damage she did back then. Not only can these things impact health for the rest of people lives, they can also impact things such as chances of having children. I can't really offer any worthy advice SOG, but I just hope she gets the help and support she needs and you can all get on top of this now, before she does any long term damage. All the best.

 

Hi Spudders, long term damage is my big fear. She is very stubborn and doesnt listen to the advice she has been given about the other damage she is suffering from. Hopefully now she is in professional case they will explain, and she will listen to them about what effects this has on the body.

 

Thanks for your post and I wish you all the best too.

[View From The Top]

This thread has upset me as a dad of two girls. I hope that all of you have happy and successful outcomes in the battles thay lay ahead.

[bridge too far]

Hi Spudders, long term damage is my big fear. She is very stubborn and doesnt listen to the advice she has been given about the other damage she is suffering from. Hopefully now she is in professional case they will explain, and she will listen to them about what effects this has on the body.

 

Thanks for your post and I wish you all the best too.

 

We were very concerned about the long term effects too. More often than not, anorexic girls stop having periods and sometimes this can affect their ability to have children later in life. Thankfully this didn't happen to my daughter but it was a concern for a while.

 

One thing she did eat obsessively was Polo mints because that stopped her stomach hurting The knock-on effect of this has been a lot of dental trouble even though she is meticulous about dental hygiene.

[Berkhamsted Saint]

Sorry to hear about your daughter.

Unfrtunately this is a mental illness which she will battle with all her life.

The one piece of advice I would you give you is research addiction as a broader subject. There are believed to be 3 main addiction groups and she will be very vulnerable to addictions that sit in the same group as someone who is anorexic. If you do some research it will help you spot the signs.

The other challenge you face is that she has to want to deal with the illness. Until she reaches that point sometimes professional help can not do anything or being as effective as you would hope.

I wish you luck on what will be a long journey.

[sadoldgit]

Thank you BS. She came to stay for a couple of days this week and showed me her meal plan which she is trying to stick to but I can see it is a struggle for her. In the last week she has put on 900 grms. I expected more but I guess it is a start. She seems actaully scared of some foods - chips-pasta. The poor little thing has sticks for arms and legs. I saw the programme Autopsy about Karen Carpenter last night and it scared the sh*t out of me.

 

Once again, I really appreciate the time you guys have taken to respond. It really does help.

[Halo Stickman]

I’m sorry to hear about your daughter’s illness, SOG; hopefully, with professional help and the support of her loved-ones she will soon get over this terrible affliction.

 

I’ve read that developing brains undergo a process during adolescence that some neurologists refer to as ‘brain-sculpting’ or ‘pruning’: basically, new neural networks are laid down, whilst superfluous old ones – those that provide children with a sense of wonderment in the ordinary, naivety, blind-faith and absolute trust in adults etc – are discarded.

 

It seems that for some young people this process is very destabilising and can play a role in the onset of eating disorders, self-harming, drug abuse, depression and anxiety etc. It’s a mystery why some young people are so badly affected by this process, whilst others are not; however, it cuts across social, economic and all other demographic boundaries, and even affects siblings within the same family in different ways.

 

Of course, external factors also play a role, especially in teenagers – peer pressure, exam pressure, sexual relationships, bullying etc – and adolescent ‘brain sculpting’ is unlikely to be the reason why some people develop eating disorders etc. later into adulthood.

 

Nevertheless, fortunately, the process of adolescent ‘brain-sculpting’ is relatively short lived; and, over the years, I’ve witnessed a number of young people within my extended family and friendship group make a full recovery from anorexia and go on to lead, seemingly, happy lives. I sincerely hope that your daughter does the same, and wish you all the best.

Edited 4 August, 2014 by Halo Stickman

[Highfield Saint]

Hi SOG. We've been there as well with our daughter who eventually got down to almost 6 stone and ended up being hospitalised. The best we can understand is that it is about control of something in their lives but this becomes almost addictive (not the right word but the closest I can get). She is OK now but very aware of her body image and of the possibility of a fall back into addictive behaviour.

 

She has many tattoos which might be a form of control (as she knows they shock us a bit) and has an interesting career. She also still clashes with her mum which is where the fight for "control" is. We tried everything from psychiatrists to psychics to medicine and ended up with yoga and mindfulness which was by far the most successful of all the treatments for her. Interestingly the psychic form a deep and lasting bond with her that is still there to this day.

 

It changed all our lives and was such a sad time. The effects on the rest of the family - especially her younger brother - were far reaching.

 

please let me know if I can help in any way.

[sadoldgit]

Hi Halo and Highfield and thanks so much for taking the time to write. I am gradually getting my head around this but it is difficult to help on a daily basis as she lives over 50 miles away. I have more contact with her now which is good but I am out of the loop in as far that I am still not involved with the team who are helping her deal with this affliction. The control issue is real problem and I can see how it manifests itself with her two older sisters. They are getting fed up now because she is getting a lot of extra attention and they just see it as attention seeking behaviour. I want her sisters to be involved in the process too so that they understand what my youngest is going through but getting anything done when I dont have any contact with the mother is very hard. This is clearly an awful condition and it is so sad to hear other people's stories. Thanks again - the feedback is always welcome and the offers of help very touching. Cheers guys.

[bridge too far]

Hi SOG - don't know if you've watched BBC Breakfast this morning. There was a segment about research into a possible genetic link to Anorexia. You can read about it here:

 

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-28767468

 

Maybe hope is on the horizon - I do hope so

[sadoldgit]

I missed it BTF but thanks for the link. My daughter is in Devon with her mother at the moment but is coming to stay for a few days over the weekend so I am looking forward to catching up with her and finding out how she is doing. Thanks again.

 

Should add that my mother had an eating disorder when younger and so did my daughter's mother - so could well be a genetic link!

[sadoldgit]

Just want to thank everyone who pm'd me with helpful advice and support when I first posted about this. I am please to say that my daughter is up to 50 kgs now and putting on a bit more weight each week. She is also about to start counselling and I have heard from my other daughters that the counsellor has my contact details and that I will be involved in the process. Still lots to do but I feel better about things and am so pleased that she is on the right track. Thanks again guys, you were a great help.

[KelvinsRightGlove]

Just want to thank everyone who pm'd me with helpful advice and support when I first posted about this. I am please to say that my daughter is up to 50 kgs now and putting on a bit more weight each week. She is also about to start counselling and I have heard from my other daughters that the counsellor has my contact details and that I will be involved in the process. Still lots to do but I feel better about things and am so pleased that she is on the right track. Thanks again guys, you were a great help.

 

Really glad to hear she's taking steps in the right direction. All the best to her.

 

Look after yourself too, she'll need you for sure.

[Whitey Grandad]

Hi SOG.

 

Sorry to hear of your situation. It's a terrible worry when you're not on hand to give what help you can. Thankfully this condition is taken a lot more seriously these days and help is on hand.

 

All best wishes, we shall all be thinking of you at this difficult time.

[sadoldgit]

Thanks KRG and Whitey. It has been a difficult year but she does seem brighter now and keen to get herself better, which is a big part of the battle.

[bridge too far]

So glad that she seems to be 'on the mend' SOG - all good wishes to her and to you x

[sadoldgit]

Thanks BTF - best Christmas present I could have!!!

[Essruu]

Would a Rule 1 request on medical grounds be appropriate?

[SO16_Saint]

^ couldn't help but lol

[Sergei Gotsmanov]

Just want to thank everyone who pm'd me with helpful advice and support when I first posted about this. I am please to say that my daughter is up to 50 kgs now and putting on a bit more weight each week. She is also about to start counselling and I have heard from my other daughters that the counsellor has my contact details and that I will be involved in the process. Still lots to do but I feel better about things and am so pleased that she is on the right track. Thanks again guys, you were a great help.

 

Great news.

[sadoldgit]

Would a Rule 1 request on medical grounds be appropriate?

 

You aren't Rolf Harris by any chance?

[Essruu]

You aren't Rolf Harris by any chance?

 

I didn't notice her age until long after I'd registered 'skinny bird'. Request suspended, pending her 16th birthday.

[sadoldgit]

I didn't notice her age until long after I'd registered 'skinny bird'. Request suspended, pending her 16th birthday.

 

Duly noted. Fair play.