Jump to content

New Independent Saints website - writers required

Crab Lungs

By Crab Lungs,
in The Saints

 Share

Recommended Posts

Crab Lungs

Crab Lungs

Posted
Posted

Hi all

 

Hope it's OK to post here, mods - sorry for the shameless plug, but I want to get this out in the open!

 

Anyway, at the start of last year, I decided to make an independent Saints website for game reviews, comments and a few other decent (but yet to be integrated) features as we're now "back in the big time" (though I wish I'd done something two years previous!).

 

If anyone fancies writing or contributing to the site I'm now actively looking for people who are interested and can be commit to doing so for the rest of the season AND beyond. Obviously, there's no payment involved and you'll be writing purely for passion but I'm hoping there's a few people out there who'd be interested in doing so and simultaneously help promoting/grow the site.

 

It's been neglected for a fair while (as you'll see) but I'm currently in the process of retrospectively adding all the game reviews, most pertinent news points and articles that I've not uploaded during the season for one reason or another.

 

Anyway, here's the site so you can take a look for yourselves. As I said, it's still really in it's early stages of development but with the help of some of you, I hope that we can develop it even more.

 

Once again, hope it's OK to post it here, mods/admins :)

 

Ta Ben

 

PS: If you'd like to contribute, send me a PM and we'll get the ball rolling :)

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Bearsy

Bearsy

Posted
Posted

i have done match review for you crap lungs!

 

SOUTHAMPTON vs. EVERTON

21st January 2013

Match report from St. Mary's by our correspondant, Brian Earsy

 

I don't know how you arrange ur daily poo. I usually drop mine off at work bout 9:30am after I've had my coffee.

 

What i do first is check the bowl for residual floaters cos i dont like to pile poo on poo and if necessary I apply a pre-emptive hygenic flush. Then i lay down a blanket layer of tissue paper to avoid splash backs. Then i sit down and fire up Tiger Woods Golf on my iphones. I find that my bumhole can handle the evacuations without intense concentrations on my part, and in any case it's better to be slightly distracted cos otherwise you risk overstraining which is main cause of death in adult males under 30.

 

I usually splash down within bout 60 seconds of sitting down, but it would be a beginners error to consider this job done. When i was more young i used to immediately proceed to wiping stage and then be surprised by a late coming turd. One doesn't want to have to double wipe cos that risks chaffing and tissue blood.

 

I wait it out. I can usually get a couple of holes done in this time, depending on par. At least a par 3 and a par 4, but probably not two par 5.

 

When i am certain that we have done I proceed to wiping. I used to stand up first and have a little look at what I've done but i don't do that no more cos one time a slop of turd fell out my bum and ruined my work trousers. I grab a wad of tissue and apply the wipe. Then I have a look at it to see what we're up against. On a good day it will be virtual spotless, perhaps a light smear. On a bad day there will be a thick slick of dark chocolate. What I do is wipe, look, discard + repeat until the tissue is coming back completely white. If I've done more than 5 wads I do a halftime flush to avoid blockages in cistern.

 

I'd say the whole process from start to finish is between 5 and 15 minutes.

 

69 minutes and 50 seconds into the match Jason Puncheon left the field of play and scurried in a crab like fashion towards the changing rooms. He emerged 159 seconds later appearing noticeably leaner and more confident.

 

Here is picture of Jason Puncheon leaving field:

Chelsea-v-Southampton-Jason-Puncheon_2887091.jpg?20130116222758

 

Here is picture of Jason Puncheon returning to field:

121593655_mancity_382536c.jpg

 

As we have established, 159 seconds seems a very unstatisfactory time period to conclude a well formed dump. Especially cos you have to take into account time period required to get to St. Mary's Toilets while running on hard floors in football boots. Here is diagram of internal layouts of St. Mary's stadium:

puncheon_zpse08ffead.jpg

 

I think we can budget 20 seconds each way, give or take crocodiles, which leaves puncheon 119 seconds to complete his full evacuations process. This is less than 2 minutes! It is clear that Puncheon must have skimped on some of the essential processes. Possibly he did not play Tiger Woods Golf. Certainly he would have skimped on applying a full wipe protocol, which would explain when back on field he was less tightly marked by Leighton Baines.

 

A lot of people have been casting aspersions bout Jason Puncheon not wiping his arse and he endeavoured to cut short these rumours by demonstrating his technique in the next game:

952624-15667384-640-360.jpg

 

Here he is performing a classic right hand wipe in a crouch position. I primarily use this position in Motorway services or on other toilets with possible hygiene issues where one does not wish to fully sit down, and where there is a paper shortage to prevent laying down a protective sheet.

 

Note also that Puncheon wipes with bare hand. We learn from this, that if obliged to shake Puncheon's hand you is best off going for his left.

 

There was also football match. It was draw.

Link to comment
Share on other sites
kpturner

kpturner

Posted
Posted
If I've done more than 5 wads I do a halftime flush to avoid blockages in cistern.
Bearsy, if you are serious about writing - and it seems you are - you have to get your facts right! Any self-respecting DIYer knows you cannot block a cistern by filling up the bowl with soggy bog roll. The cistern is the bit that contains the water that is released into the bowl when you flush ffs! Sort it out man!
Link to comment
Share on other sites
Noodles34

Noodles34

Posted
Posted
i have done match review for you crap lungs!

 

SOUTHAMPTON vs. EVERTON

21st January 2013

Match report from St. Mary's by our correspondant, Brian Earsy

 

I don't know how you arrange ur daily poo. I usually drop mine off at work bout 9:30am after I've had my coffee.

 

What i do first is check the bowl for residual floaters cos i dont like to pile poo on poo and if necessary I apply a pre-emptive hygenic flush. Then i lay down a blanket layer of tissue paper to avoid splash backs. Then i sit down and fire up Tiger Woods Golf on my iphones. I find that my bumhole can handle the evacuations without intense concentrations on my part, and in any case it's better to be slightly distracted cos otherwise you risk overstraining which is main cause of death in adult males under 30.

 

I usually splash down within bout 60 seconds of sitting down, but it would be a beginners error to consider this job done. When i was more young i used to immediately proceed to wiping stage and then be surprised by a late coming turd. One doesn't want to have to double wipe cos that risks chaffing and tissue blood.

 

I wait it out. I can usually get a couple of holes done in this time, depending on par. At least a par 3 and a par 4, but probably not two par 5.

 

When i am certain that we have done I proceed to wiping. I used to stand up first and have a little look at what I've done but i don't do that no more cos one time a slop of turd fell out my bum and ruined my work trousers. I grab a wad of tissue and apply the wipe. Then I have a look at it to see what we're up against. On a good day it will be virtual spotless, perhaps a light smear. On a bad day there will be a thick slick of dark chocolate. What I do is wipe, look, discard + repeat until the tissue is coming back completely white. If I've done more than 5 wads I do a halftime flush to avoid blockages in cistern.

 

I'd say the whole process from start to finish is between 5 and 15 minutes.

 

69 minutes and 50 seconds into the match Jason Puncheon left the field of play and scurried in a crab like fashion towards the changing rooms. He emerged 159 seconds later appearing noticeably leaner and more confident.

 

Here is picture of Jason Puncheon leaving field:

Chelsea-v-Southampton-Jason-Puncheon_2887091.jpg?20130116222758

 

Here is picture of Jason Puncheon returning to field:

121593655_mancity_382536c.jpg

 

As we have established, 159 seconds seems a very unstatisfactory time period to conclude a well formed dump. Especially cos you have to take into account time period required to get to St. Mary's Toilets while running on hard floors in football boots. Here is diagram of internal layouts of St. Mary's stadium:

puncheon_zpse08ffead.jpg

 

I think we can budget 20 seconds each way, give or take crocodiles, which leaves puncheon 119 seconds to complete his full evacuations process. This is less than 2 minutes! It is clear that Puncheon must have skimped on some of the essential processes. Possibly he did not play Tiger Woods Golf. Certainly he would have skimped on applying a full wipe protocol, which would explain when back on field he was less tightly marked by Leighton Baines.

 

A lot of people have been casting aspersions bout Jason Puncheon not wiping his arse and he endeavoured to cut short these rumours by demonstrating his technique in the next game:

952624-15667384-640-360.jpg

 

Here he is performing a classic right hand wipe in a crouch position. I primarily use this position in Motorway services or on other toilets with possible hygiene issues where one does not wish to fully sit down, and where there is a paper shortage to prevent laying down a protective sheet.

 

Note also that Puncheon wipes with bare hand. We learn from this, that if obliged to shake Puncheon's hand you is best off going for his left.

 

There was also football match. It was draw.

 

Thought; can I be arsed to read all this?

Glad i did.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
 Share
Go to topic listing
×
×
  • Create New...