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TMS Agony Aunt

Itchen_block4

By Itchen_block4,
in The Muppet Show

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Itchen_block4

Itchen_block4

Posted
Posted

Saw the therapy thread and thought there might genuinely be a gap in the market for a TMS problem page for those nagging little issues that don't merit their own thread, but deserve to be shared. Bird troubles with rule 1s and graphic details very much welcome. No facaecous "and how does that make you feel"'s here, just a place to share our experiences, share our advice and hopefully make the world easier for all of us.

 

Here's a slice to get us started. Bit of a boring one, apologies:

 

Got a girl's number at the students union last week. Tried texting her, but b!tches being b!tches, no reply so left hanging none the wiser. Eventually thought "**** it" and called her to put her on the spot. B!tch not interested, fair enough, they aren't all interested and this week I can go fishing for more poontang with a clean conscience. Only met her once and being turned down wasn't hard to take, but what ****ed me off was b!tch not getting back to me and leaving me hanging. I swear they do this deliberately. Next time I won't waste time in calling her, so I know where we stand. Can't give her the satisfaction.

 

Nothing too deep please. If I have to look into the deepest,darkest crevices of your souls, I'll have to start charging!

 

Enjoy

 

By the way, anyone making **** up about threesomes after 30 pints will be shot.

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dubai_phil

dubai_phil

Posted
Posted

Dear Agony Aunt.

 

For about 4 years now I've been fighting off b1tches 'cos I have FMDP. This weekend the Dubai Saints massive had an Urban Night out. Now as you may guess me & Eric aren't exactly with it but we've heard of Banksy so thought we could fit in and not look conspicuous while drinking the Twitmeisters Free Beer allowance.

 

Anyways, late on in the evening I get stalked again by two b1tches. Now normally (I'll admit) they are old and fat and fugly, but in this case they were? well Urban or something.

 

Anyways. I needs you Dudes to explain to me WTF is this all about?

 

3y5c4.jpg

 

Nothing I said would work. Go away I'm with FMDP "That's OK tell her she can watch" "Sorry I don't flirt" "Neither do we we just ****" "Have you read 50 Shades? We like that?"

 

Christ, I even tried talking about Golf, they simply said they love swinging...

 

Aunty help, I am never speechless but WTF is this all about?

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saintbletch

saintbletch

Posted
Posted
Dear AA,

 

My aunt Gladys has just sat on a six inch nail and is in agony.

 

This has upset me deeply as it is my favourite nail and I'd be lost without it.

 

What should I do?

 

Not wanting to take over another thread here, but sometimes it's good to have an adult around to offer proper advise. So I thought I should offer counsel here.

 

I can imagine that it would have been distressing to watch your aunt Gladys lowering herself on to your rigid six-incher. Then, as you watched your tool part her flesh, you must have realised that things between you would never be the same. I understand why you felt the need to share the episode.

 

But it's a question of motive for me. Did you set out to nail aunt Gladys RonManager, or was it one of those things that just got out of hand?

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Miltonroader07

Miltonroader07

Posted
Posted
Dear Agony Aunt.

 

For about 4 years now I've been fighting off b1tches 'cos I have FMDP. This weekend the Dubai Saints massive had an Urban Night out. Now as you may guess me & Eric aren't exactly with it but we've heard of Banksy so thought we could fit in and not look conspicuous while drinking the Twitmeisters Free Beer allowance.

 

Anyways, late on in the evening I get stalked again by two b1tches. Now normally (I'll admit) they are old and fat and fugly, but in this case they were? well Urban or something.

 

Anyways. I needs you Dudes to explain to me WTF is this all about?

 

3y5c4.jpg

 

Nothing I said would work. Go away I'm with FMDP "That's OK tell her she can watch" "Sorry I don't flirt" "Neither do we we just ****" "Have you read 50 Shades? We like that?"

 

Christ, I even tried talking about Golf, they simply said they love swinging...

 

Aunty help, I am never speechless but WTF is this all about?

 

Undercover Police

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RonManager

RonManager

Posted
Posted (edited)
Not wanting to take over another thread here, but sometimes it's good to have an adult around to offer proper advise. So I thought I should offer counsel here.

 

I can imagine that it would have been distressing to watch your aunt Gladys lowering herself on to your rigid six-incher. Then, as you watched your tool part her flesh, you must have realised that things between you would never be the same. I understand why you felt the need to share the episode.

 

But it's a question of motive for me. Did you set out to nail aunt Gladys RonManager, or was it one of those things that just got out of hand?

 

My gaff so I'll leave my hardware where I please.

 

It's alright, I've got it out, using a Halfords clutch puller (only £14.99 + vat).

 

I've filled the hole with a non-setting silicon mastic (Selco £3.99 + vat or 3 for 7 quid if you've got a trade card).

 

Just needs a re-buff with the old Makita orbital sander (37.99 + vat from Screwfix, comes with a selection of heads).

 

She's still in agony though.

 

 

Anyway I've shunted her into the workshop for now as Merlin's on in a minute. I'll check on her later if I remember.

Edited by RonManager
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Spudders

Spudders

Posted
Posted
Golf groupies are dirty *****es! Sometimes I dress weird and wonder round the countryside with a wood just to see if I can find any.

Please do tell us how this has gone for you? I think I speak for everyone when I say how interesting it is to hear tedious golfing story after tedious golfing story. I can't get enough of this shizzle!

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Whitey Grandad

Whitey Grandad

Posted
Posted
Dear Agony Aunt.

 

For about 4 years now I've been fighting off b1tches 'cos I have FMDP. This weekend the Dubai Saints massive had an Urban Night out. Now as you may guess me & Eric aren't exactly with it but we've heard of Banksy so thought we could fit in and not look conspicuous while drinking the Twitmeisters Free Beer allowance.

 

Anyways, late on in the evening I get stalked again by two b1tches. Now normally (I'll admit) they are old and fat and fugly, but in this case they were? well Urban or something.

 

Anyways. I needs you Dudes to explain to me WTF is this all about?

 

3y5c4.jpg

 

Nothing I said would work. Go away I'm with FMDP "That's OK tell her she can watch" "Sorry I don't flirt" "Neither do we we just ****" "Have you read 50 Shades? We like that?"

 

Christ, I even tried talking about Golf, they simply said they love swinging...

 

Aunty help, I am never speechless but WTF is this all about?

 

Only a brave man refuses a gift from the gods. I'll distract the one on the left whilst you sort out the other. Alpine_Saint will help you deal with the inevitable guilt.

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Sharktopus

Sharktopus

Posted
Posted

Got a girl's number at the students union last week. Tried texting her, but b!tches being b!tches, no reply so left hanging none the wiser. Eventually thought "**** it" and called her to put her on the spot. B!tch not interested, fair enough, they aren't all interested and this week I can go fishing for more poontang with a clean conscience. Only met her once and being turned down wasn't hard to take, but what ****ed me off was b!tch not getting back to me and leaving me hanging. I swear they do this deliberately. Next time I won't waste time in calling her, so I know where we stand. Can't give her the satisfaction.

 

 

Should have added her on facebook as well, there's bound to be a Malia '11 (other holiday destinations are available) photo album starring her and a few of her mates fresh out of sixth form wearing very very little on some sunkissed beach. Might even be a couple of topless shots in there. Lovely.

 

You're welcome.

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Bearsy

Bearsy

Posted
Posted

Hahaha Sharktopus! That is cool! I had to google to find out bout Sharktopus cos i was imagining bastard love-child of shark and octopus and i was pleased to find out that was exactly what it is! There is a documentary bout it on the internet! They say Sharktopus is "even more deadly than Kraken"!

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Bearsy

Bearsy

Posted
Posted
Got a girl's number at the students union last week. Tried texting her, but b!tches being b!tches, no reply so left hanging none the wiser. Eventually thought "**** it" and called her to put her on the spot. B!tch not interested, fair enough, they aren't all interested and this week I can go fishing for more poontang with a clean conscience. Only met her once and being turned down wasn't hard to take, but what ****ed me off was b!tch not getting back to me and leaving me hanging. I swear they do this deliberately. Next time I won't waste time in calling her, so I know where we stand. Can't give her the satisfaction.

 

You gonna let her get away with that Itchy? If this was a teen movie, and I like to think it is, you'd work up an elaborate and machivellian scheme to earn her trust and fascination until you finally get to knob her on prom night then never call her again.

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dubai_phil

dubai_phil

Posted
Posted
Seriously DP, how hard can it be to cockblock yourself?

 

Only a brave man refuses a gift from the gods. I'll distract the one on the left whilst you sort out the other. Alpine_Saint will help you deal with the inevitable guilt.

 

Neither of these were really the problem.

 

It was more a have I stumbled into the set for the 7th Star Wars episode?

 

The blocking tactic was simple, it was the puzzlement at their "appearance" that freaked me out.

 

I now believe I am simply too old to go out.

 

FMDP would simply have looked at them and said - yeah they are fit go ahead and well done....

 

Which I think is brilliant reverse psychology.

 

I'm just terrified that this fashion look could spread and while I can translate from skater dude into golfspeak I honestly had no idea what they were talking about?

 

Damn you b1tches I'm gonna spend Friday night looking for Tiles that feel like Carpet for my bathroom

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Tokyo-Saint

Tokyo-Saint

Posted
Posted

I have the perfect solution to all the issues here. Itchy hen (that's what my iPhone wants to call you and who am I to argue with it twice) you should go to Dubai. You can then bone all the star wars birds that keep coming on to Phil. Phil you can watch this boning and when they don't call itchy hen back, you can call them and tell them a golf story as revenge.

 

You are all welcome!

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Thedelldays

Thedelldays

Posted
Posted
Saw the therapy thread and thought there might genuinely be a gap in the market for a TMS problem page for those nagging little issues that don't merit their own thread, but deserve to be shared. Bird troubles with rule 1s and graphic details very much welcome. No facaecous "and how does that make you feel"'s here, just a place to share our experiences, share our advice and hopefully make the world easier for all of us.

 

Here's a slice to get us started. Bit of a boring one, apologies:

 

Got a girl's number at the students union last week. Tried texting her, but b!tches being b!tches, no reply so left hanging none the wiser. Eventually thought "**** it" and called her to put her on the spot. B!tch not interested, fair enough, they aren't all interested and this week I can go fishing for more poontang with a clean conscience. Only met her once and being turned down wasn't hard to take, but what ****ed me off was b!tch not getting back to me and leaving me hanging. I swear they do this deliberately. Next time I won't waste time in calling her, so I know where we stand. Can't give her the satisfaction.

 

Nothing too deep please. If I have to look into the deepest,darkest crevices of your souls, I'll have to start charging!

 

Enjoy

 

By the way, anyone making **** up about threesomes after 30 pints will be shot.

she is utterly rude beyond belief and ignoring someone like this is totally uncalled for....unless it is YOU doing the ignoring...then it is fine

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dubai_phil

dubai_phil

Posted
Posted
I have the perfect solution to all the issues here. Itchy hen (that's what my iPhone wants to call you and who am I to argue with it twice) you should go to Dubai. You can then bone all the star wars birds that keep coming on to Phil. Phil you can watch this boning and when they don't call itchy hen back, you can call them and tell them a golf story as revenge.

 

You are all welcome!

 

Genius.

 

Which Paper do you write for Auntie?

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Sharktopus

Sharktopus

Posted
Posted
Hahaha Sharktopus! That is cool! I had to google to find out bout Sharktopus cos i was imagining bastard love-child of shark and octopus and i was pleased to find out that was exactly what it is! There is a documentary bout it on the internet! They say Sharktopus is "even more deadly than Kraken"!

 

Not only that, but the Sharktopus documentary stars that bloke from Nacho Libre that isn't Jack Black! Who knew!?!!

 

Sharktopi are misunderstood beasts and it is my mission to rehabilitate their poor public image.

 

Also, there is b00bs in the documentary film. BRILL!

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Window Cleaner

Window Cleaner

Posted
Posted
Saw the therapy thread and thought there might genuinely be a gap in the market for a TMS problem page for those nagging little issues that don't merit their own thread, but deserve to be shared. Bird troubles with rule 1s and graphic details very much welcome. No facaecous "and how does that make you feel"'s here, just a place to share our experiences, share our advice and hopefully make the world easier for all of us.

 

Here's a slice to get us started. Bit of a boring one, apologies:

 

Got a girl's number at the students union last week. Tried texting her, but b!tches being b!tches, no reply so left hanging none the wiser. Eventually thought "**** it" and called her to put her on the spot. B!tch not interested, fair enough, they aren't all interested and this week I can go fishing for more poontang with a clean conscience. Only met her once and being turned down wasn't hard to take, but what ****ed me off was b!tch not getting back to me and leaving me hanging. I swear they do this deliberately. Next time I won't waste time in calling her, so I know where we stand. Can't give her the satisfaction.

 

Nothing too deep please. If I have to look into the deepest,darkest crevices of your souls, I'll have to start charging!

 

Enjoy

 

By the way, anyone making **** up about threesomes after 30 pints will be shot.

 

Dear Itchenblock 4

 

real men do not express their interest in young ladies by texting them, they man up and telephone or ask them face to face.

If you had called her in the first place you would not have wasted any time. Faint heart never fair lady won is an old expression which can be applied to your situation.

 

Aunty Windows.

 

Aside to the rest of you: See told you i'd done this before. Now throw those PMT,bra-stuffing and boyfriend with a small **** questions at me.

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tpbury

tpbury

Posted
Posted

didn't adriansfc do a quite successful agony aunt page a number of years ago?? #adriansfcagonyauntpageyesiknowhashtagsdontactuallyworkbutiftheir weresomewayofalertinghimtothisthreadthenitmaybequiteinterestingalsotypingwithoutusingthespacebarisdifficultalsobletchmadeanotherspellingmistakewhichisquitepoorithink

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Tokyo-Saint

Tokyo-Saint

Posted
Posted

"Well on the 14th hole me and rubber neck were chattin about the old days and how golf balls used to be made of orphans teeth and tiger tonsils.zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz then on the 15 hole we decided to go mental and have a beer instead of hitting the shot. By the time the 16th hole came around we played the whole hole just using putters and our butt cheeks. Rubber neck beat me by 5 shots and I had to make him a cuba libre to compensate him. Then Eric turned up with the bloke out of the corrs and bono and we all played sh!thead until one of us fell under the table and our song came on karaoke and zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz"

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dubai_phil

dubai_phil

Posted
Posted
"Well on the 14th hole me and rubber neck were chattin about the old days and how golf balls used to be made of orphans teeth and tiger tonsils.zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz then on the 15 hole we decided to go mental and have a beer instead of hitting the shot. By the time the 16th hole came around we played the whole hole just using putters and our butt cheeks. Rubber neck beat me by 5 shots and I had to make him a cuba libre to compensate him. Then Eric turned up with the bloke out of the corrs and bono and we all played sh!thead until one of us fell under the table and our song came on karaoke and zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz"

 

So it's his first trip out here. He's getting 100k for being the meet & greet man at one of the Corporate boxes.

 

It was pointed out that there is an after party on Sunday that has a singer with guitar and if he was around, how about an unplugged set?

 

Sorted.

 

He then mentioned his best Top hat wearing guitar playing buddy is in town for a gig on Thursday night (40 quid a ticket) and perhaps, Dudes who like Rock music from "back in the day" may want to pass by and that the last half hour of the show might just be something special.

 

And anyways I was just doing my usual Security Work I am REALLY crap at golf - Chief Groupie Tester for the players is my role.

 

It's all on Sky sometime this weekend. Actually feel good about it as we raised over US$100,000 for Charity today

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