Tokyo-Saint takes one for the muppet show team - Les Miserables review

[Tokyo-Saint]

Sometimes when you are married you have to do things to make you wife happy. Now, anyone who has been in a relationship for more than 2 years will know this is impossible. The best you can hope for is to stop her moaning about one thing and get her to moan about something else, this resets the moaning cycle and buys you some time. Several years ago I attempted to divert the complaints by taking her to see a musical in London. This seemed like a reasonable idea at the time, other people go and see musicals and apparently some people are able to enjoy it. Part of me thinks that these are posh people and are only pretending to enjoy it so that they can wear tuxedos and therefore highlight they are posh - its a kind of Frazer syndrome. The really hardcore ones that really want to show how rich they are, are even able to watch opera - this is mental

 

It was not a reasonable idea, it was terrible idea. We saw Grease, it was worse than the movie, something I did not think was possible. Einstein said that if you keep doing the same stuff you are insane so there was no way I was going back to the theatre, divorce would come first. The only reason I would go to Soho again was for a massage and a happy ending. So when the Mrs wanted to see Les Miserables, I was sceptical. However somehow I found myself in the cinema and bear has made me review it, so here it is.

 

Part 1 - The First Six Hours

 

Now before I start reviewing this, there are some things you need to know about Les Miserables and this review:

 

1) This does not take place on earth, this takes place on some planet where people are unable to speak, they are only able to communicate by singing. During this review, if I ever say someone said something what I really mean is that they sung it. Even when reading letters, getting boned by sailors (more on this in part 2) and feeling up co-workers, they sing it. I don't remember seeing anyone on the bog but if they were taking a sh!t, they would sing about it.

 

2) Nothing makes much sense in this film. If you don't get it, don't ask me cause I didn't get it either.

 

3) It is unlikely I will finish this review. If you don't get bored reading it, I will. Also, as it went on for several days, it is unlikely I will be able to remember everything.

 

4) Although this is a musical as far as I can tell there are two actual songs - the one Susan Boyle sung when the metal ***** got rich and another one borat sings, which isn't bad actually. The rest is just people singing to a general melody.

 

The film starts with quiet a dramatic scene, loads of people are trying to pull a boat into a dry dock. The scene is pretty epic looking and is obviously high budget. At this point I am thinking this might be bearable - I was wrong. Then they start singing and I am thinking they ain't messing around with this musical, straight into the first song (this is before I knew about the speak singing thing). The camera focuses into one of the people pulling the boat, it's Wolverine. It is hard to see that it is him as he looks like he has had a skinhead from super cuts and has a beard but it is definitely him. So he is singing about stuff and moaning about pulling this boat then the camera moves up to above the people pulling the boat and maximus from gladiator is looking down at them and telling (singing) to pull the boat or whatever. This goes on for a bit and then for some reason they stop pulling the boat and suddenly maximus is down on their level. The boat isnt in the dock, i assume they gave up as it did seem like a rediculous idea. He start giving wolverine some **** through song (strange I think), they are obviously enemies. It turns out that wolverine and all the people pulling the boat are prisoners and maximus is the prison guard. Out of all the prisoners he hates wolverine the most, not enough to not sing a song with him but enough to make him pick up some big bit of boat on his own.

 

It turns out that wolverine has been pulling boats in boat prison for 19 years. I immediately think rapist! but it turns out he nicked some bread to feed a starving child or some other cliché. This sentence seems hard but maximus doesn't think so and really has it in for him. Anyway, they are still singing and maximus tells (sings to) wolverine that he is getting out today. Wolverine seems slightly happy about this but nearly as much as you would expect after 19 years of boat pulling. maximus says to him that he will be back and keeps saying his number instead of his name. This ****es off wolverine and he keeps saying his name - something French like Jean Pierre I wasn't really listening as I was starting to get worried that the singing would never stop - it never did!

 

2nd scene and wolverine is out. He still has his **** hair cut and is wandering around France looking for work up mountains - he obviously isn't too bright, worse than that though, he is still singing. Anyway after about 2 hours (real time) of going around singing for jobs he sleeps homeless in some doorway. This doorway turns out to be a church, when the priest shows up he lets him in, gives him some food and does all the stuff you have seen a million times before when someone helps out a tramp only he sings all the way through - I am starting to realise what's going on with the singing here...

 

After food and some more singing they go to bed. After a bit wolverine gets up and starts sneaking about. He decides to steal loads of the silver and starts putting it into a sack. He is singing all the way through and I am concluding he is definitely simple. So he steals all the stuff but because he was probably singing while running away with his stolen silver, the police catch him in a few seconds and he is back at the church. The priest lets him off probably a life time of boat pulling (by song of course) and the police are a bit annoyed at this (they also let us know this by song). So wolverine stays with the church for a bit but is feeling really guilty about ripping off the old man. He sings about sorting himself out and feels a bit sorry for himself. There must be a rocky montage bit in the directors cut where he sorts himself out because the next scene is 8 years later and he is rich. I am thinking he must have gotten a job as a singer or something.

 

part 2 tomorrow

Edited 22 January, 2013 by Tokyo-Saint
Did an s on idea by mistake, been speaking to Bearsy too much

[Bearsy]

Hahaha I like the idea of the world's sh!ttest cat burglar "La-di-da! I'm steeeealing yo stuff! Oh yes I'm in yo drawing roooom steeeealing yo stuff!"

 

Sweet review! More please!

[Spudders]

These review things really need some pictures if you want to attract the likes of me to this type of post. I don't care how funny the content is (and I assume it is funny Tokyo as that's what I expect from you), but when i see that amount of text without being broken up with pictures, I just feel dizzy and have to regain my composure by quickly focusing on any available avatars.

[Tokyo-Saint]

Here is Wolverine pulling the boat

 

 

Here is maximus being a prison guard and wondering if that's a fart he can smell.

 

Edited 23 January, 2013 by Tokyo-Saint

[Tokyo-Saint]

Here is wolverine feeling guilty about stealing the silver and singing about it (you can't hear the singing it's a picture but trust me he has just finished singing and is about to sing again)

 

 

Dont get cocky spudders, you're up next to review something!

Edited 22 January, 2013 by Tokyo-Saint

[Tokyo-Saint]

Here is Susan Boyle who is obviously a fan and would probably sing while stealing silver as well.

 

[Spudders]

Cheers for the pics, what I'll do is I'll copy all the text from your first post into word, then I'll insert these pictures in between to break it up. I'll probably make the text bigger as well so it seems like I'm reading a lot more

[Tokyo-Saint]

Here is wolverine looking for work in the mountains.

 

 

Again, trust me, he will have just finished singing and will be about to sing again.

Edited 23 January, 2013 by Tokyo-Saint

[dubai_phil]

Blimey Wolverine will need botox before he does the next Xmen Prequel of the Prequel Sequel

[Window Cleaner]

Tokyo you're a wimp. 2 comedy musicals in xxxx years. I have been dragged to Godspel, Chorus Line, Evita, Cats , Annie, even the Bay City Rollers to mention but a few, also went to the ballet a couple of times, quite liked that though, love Prokofiev's Romeo and Juliet score.

 

In fact I think I might need some anti-gay pills.

[Tokyo-Saint]

Lols at windows trying to be posh. Ballet? Yeah right!

 

I take more than enough for the team, I'm signed up for X-factor live in a couple of weeks, how gay is that?

[Spudders]

Lols at windows trying to be posh. Ballet? Yeah right!

 

I take more than enough for the team, I'm signed up for X-factor live in a couple of weeks, how gay is that?

If you're wife drops out, let me know!

[Tokyo-Saint]

Part 2 - Boning sailors while singing

 

This next part of the films starts in a factory. There are loads of women all working on something. It is not clear what but looks like they are sorting socks and putting them into pairs. While they are doing this they are of course singing. Oh hello, suddenly this seedy looking man that I imagine dune looks like, a kind of Timothy Spall character an he is feeling them up. He is going up behind them touching their arse and their tits (I might have imagined that part - can't confirm, it was a kind of dancing singing grope like bear at a Christmas party). I am starting to enjoy this film a bit more. Suddenly he is really feeling up the fittest of the sock arrangers, this is Anne Hathaway. Now she is definitely fit but she does have a bit of a strange mouth (evidence below).

 

For spudders - here is evidence of her being fit

 

 

Here is evidence of her strange mouth

 

 

While Anne is being fingered by dune/Timothy Spall one of the other sock arrangers suddenly finds a letter on Anne and starts to sing what is written on it. It turns out Anne has a daughter that she got from being a bit of a slag when she was young. The daughter lives with some inn keeper and his wife and Anne send money to them to look after her - fair enough. No! not for the other sock arranging b!tches, they are furious about it and want her sacked??? Just as it is all kicking off, Wolverine walks in but this isn't supercuts wolverine, this is after the montage and he is now rich and dressed like a the prince from blackadder III. He's like "what's going on you mental b!tches, I pay you to arrange socks not have fights" you can see he regrets this as soon as he sees that it is his only fit member of staff that is about to have the cat fight. He is just about to say "forget what I just said let's go upstairs, I've got a paddling pool in a bottle of scotch in the office let's do this properly" he sings something along the lines of "ooooooohhhhhh Sh!!!!iiiiiiiitttttt" and the camera pans up to show maximus waiting in his office.....

 

For the benefit of spudders, here are the girls arranging socks

 

 

Wolverine tells dune to sort out the problem and then goes up to meet maximus. When he gets up there maximus starts calling le mayor, I don't know if this is a fake name related to the make over or if it is his job. Anyway, maximus says "do I know youuuuuu?" "nahhhhh" sings wolverine "you surrrrre?" sings maximus "can't think right now, I am ehhh busyyyyyy stopping b!tches fighting while arranging socks ehhh let's talk later" sings wolverine, this continues for a bit.

 

Then we are back down in the factory and the dune character is going mental. He is going on at Anne about not being a virgin and singing about how he was looking forward to boning her and taking her virginity. I am thinking, this dumbass has never seen catwoman. Anyway, he throws her out on the street calling her a whore and stuff. This looks to be an open and shut case for an industrial tribunal but Anne decides not to take that route and instead heads down to the red light district to try and sell some of her daughters hair (see point 2). Just as I am thinking she's got about as much chance of selling that as michelle has selling her crap on this forum, she's sold it. Not only but some old crone has popped out of the shadows and wants to buy Anne's own hair for 10 Franks. What I remember about franks is that they are about 10-1 with the pound, so this is about £1 right? Anyway, Anne agrees and suddenly they are cutting he hair as she sings about stuff and crys. It seems that cutting her hair gets the old ***** excited and suddenly she is pulling out catwomans teeth!?! and everything is a bit mental - loads of singing is happening right now. Anyway, Anne is again confused about which course of action to take about having sh!t hair and getting mugged for her teeth so she sings about it for a bit and then decides to become a prostitute. (I know! refer to point 2).

 

All the other prostitutes in the RLD are minging so it doesn't take Anne long to get a John. She is not sure if she is up for it and sings about it for a bit, there is loads of singing going on at the moment cause the other hookers are singing and some sailors are singing about wanting to bone them. After a bit she decides she will bone the sailor and takes him to a ship (again see point 2). On the ship suddenly the action heats up a bit and the sailor spins her around and pulls down her top a bit to show a bit of tit. I am again thinking this film might be bearable, I am much preferring the catwoman story to the wolverine one. The sex scene stops for a bit though as catwoman insists on singing for a bit but this doesn't put off delldays and soon enough he is boning her in a coffin (see point 2).

 

Once he has spunked his duck, he flicks a coin at her and sings "seeee youooo laterrrzzz" but Anne decides to stay in the coffin for a bit and sing on her own. The film has been going for about 3 days now and the singing has not stopped but at this point the first real song is sung. The camera closes in on catwoman and she sings the Susan Boyle song 'I dreamed a dream'. The gist of this song seems to be that men used to be nicer than her before when she was younger and fitter but now she is an old hooker they are a bit more rough to her - this isn't what she had dreamt when she was younger. It's not bad and appeal to the same part of me that likes Pete Doherty and miserable songs, I look at the mrs and she is crying her eyes out - Oscar in the bag catwoman, well done, the b!tches are loving this.

 

 

Here is a video for spudders, it pretty much shows all I have been talking about so far. Ignore the revolution stuff that comes later.

 

 

I've I had found this video before I could have saved 2 pages of reviews!

Edited 23 January, 2013 by Tokyo-Saint
Extra s again - ****ing Bearsy!

[Jonnyboy]

(Yeah she has a weird mouth, too big for her face when smiling, like Julia Roberts.

 

But was very fit as catwoman)

[Restark19]

(Yeah she has a weird mouth, too big for her face when smiling, like Julia Roberts.

 

But was very fit as catwoman)

 

Not as fit as Halle berry as cat woman