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Redneck Rage (or what we would call pompey rage) (NSFW)


harvey
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Do people still get smallpox?

 

Cindy is the best mom! I love it when we see her boobs! Phwooooar!

 

Yeah you ugly m-monkey g-go climb anoth- another tree and jump off the -hiccup- jump off the other side

 

That's magnificent cussing bear and whilst insults don't get more cutting than that, my favourite for randomness and the gum-mouthed lack of bite is...

 

"and plus she went on a camping trip..an' leave her alone, an' you leave my family alone awful(unclear)..hiccup..you ****ing moron...you ****ing monkey-face."

 

What interests me though is that most people the narrator has ever met are dead.

 

I'd call the authorities if I knew her identity. So perhaps this needs a damned fine cup of coffee and a Twin Peaks style investigation.

 

When you're done with 50 Shades of Grey bear, this needs investigating. Perhaps Toke can do the 'donkey' work?

 

Evidence.

 

Dad died three weeks ago tomorrow (at 6:18am). That's 378 minutes after midnight. Coincidence?

 

Her bothers, Jackson and Daniel are "****ing dead also".

 

Daniel died supposedly from contracting an eradicated disease (good work Phil the resident in Angola and inappropriately named, PhilippineSaint), whilst his twin - our narrator, survrived(sic).

 

The only people present at Daniel's birth which took place in the living room in Hometown Mt Vernon (because Mum was watching Jeremy Kyle USA), were Mum and Daniel (obviously), and his surviving twin - our narrator. Coincidence?

 

Jackson died at the age of 27. in a car wreck. Last year. On his birthday - August 2nd. Unlucky? Hmm.

 

27 is exactly 14 times smaller than 378. Coincidence? If he had survived Jackson would be 28. 28 is exactly 2 times bigger than 14. August 2nd is the 214th day of the year in 2012. That's 18489600 seconds into the year. 18489600 is exactly 27 times bigger than 684800 which in turn is exactly 214 times bigger than 3200. Coincidence?

 

Pretty damning but she's not finished.

 

Aunt Donna, Grandma Milley Staley(unclear) and Aunt Margaret are "dead also". That's 3 more dead. 3 is exactly 9 times smaller than 27. Coincidence?

 

Our narrator claims she was 'in their rooms when they died'. Mum corroborates this by claiming she was there too.

 

Just two people in the rooms with the deceased when they died. If both claim they didn't do it and tell the authorities that the other didn't do it, then the police can do nothing. Smart. Really smart.

 

But someone called Pete(unclear) is claimed to be alive as our narrator tells us "No, I did not run him over".

 

I think you should get this Pete in for questioning.

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Oh was there a football match today?

 

Bletch's investigations is already excellent i don't think our services is required here tokyos. Even sherlock holmes sits one out occassionally, lets lestrade sort out the simple cases of bag-snatching or whatever.

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OK Sherlocks Holme and Dr Watsons I've been doing some more investigatings.

 

I was suspicious of the bear's tepid reaction to the opportunity to mount an investigation. He's normally keen to mount anything, which set me thinking...

 

Anyway, I wanted to see if we could identify the person that the young lady in the video was talking to.

 

So I've had the lads in the lab all over the video overnight in an attempt to identify the other party.

 

One of the lads throught he spotted a reflection in the lady's glasses, so they've used cutting edge video processing and image identification techniques to arrive at this.

 

6145735517_8a03030a2b.jpg

 

The chief is not going to like the overtime bill but he'll be glad to know we've got a suspect.

 

We're looking for a big, furry, beast sporting the sort of inane grin usually borne by mental patients with permanent-erection syndrome.

 

Any ideas?

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I dunno tokyos i cant make it out at all.

 

Clearly someone has committed a terrible crime. It's just a shame we'll never find out who it was.

 

I guess you're right bear.

 

But I can't help but think that in a few years, perhaps after we're both dead and gone, queues of women will come forward to accuse the person reflected in those glasses of the deepest, darkest sexual perversions.

 

And people will say to themselves "I thought there was something odd about him you know".

 

Anyway, the boys are following another lead now. They've traced the IP address of the perp and have installed a covert camera.

 

This picture was taken at approximately 4:57pm yesterday.

 

bear-glasses-laptop-lifestyle-mac-Favim.com-40814_large.jpg

 

Other than this image which is inconclusive, the boys say that they've also caught the perp on camera "eccentrically attired and knocking one out while reading a popular female erotic novel".

 

They captured this still a little later.

 

expo-011s.jpg

 

Any ideas?

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