Bearsy Investigates: 50 Shades Of Grey

[suewhistle]

Yeah that's Katherine "Kate" Kavenagh, I've took some liberties with her character, she weren't quite so lesbian in book 1.

 

Oh, have you got her phone number?

 

Poo, I forgot that this saga is all from your febrile mind! It's so realistic and well written, just like the original, and even a little more humorous. :-) ;-)

[Itchen_block4]

Yeah that's Katherine "Kate" Kavenagh, I've took some liberties with her character, she weren't quite so lesbian in book 1.

 

I'll probably do another chapter at the weekend - it's gonna be a bit tricky i reckon cos I've wrote myself into a corner having wholly imaginary characters going round doing murders. That's gonna take some explaining!

 

Are the "subconcious" and "inner goddess" still metaphors for b!tch's schizophrenia or whatever or have you actually brought them to life? Surely a get-out there?

[Bearsy]

Oh, have you got her phone number?

 

Poo, I forgot that this saga is all from your febrile mind! It's so realistic and well written, just like the original, and even a little more humorous. :-) ;-)

 

Thanks sue I've been trying really hard with these chapters! What I do right is when I've written one I actually go to the trouble of reading it back and correcting the spellings and eliminating any particularly dumb adjectives. Even EL James herself don't bother doing that!

 

It is bit hard work though. I can't bring myself to spend pages and pages describing the buildings and what characters are eating and stuff like professional writers like EL James is doing. I did have a go once but I couldn't seem to stop it from getting borings! I guess that's why EL James is earning the big bucks!

 

Also, I've had a word with the dumb mods and we'd like to commission a thread called Suewhistles Adventures In Lesbianisms. It'll be a classy expose bout stuff what happens when girls is finding themselves lesbians and exploring other lesbians and stuff. A kind of education type thread if you will. Stevegrants said you can have free Saintsweb Membership 4eva once you have written bout this.

[Bearsy]

Are the "subconcious" and "inner goddess" still metaphors for b!tch's schizophrenia or whatever or have you actually brought them to life? Surely a get-out there?

 

I ain't quite figured it out yet. In Book 1 she sort of acts like they're real people so I was continuing with that, but I ain't decided to go as far as if other people can see them. I ain't sure how that would work. I dunno if Christian is actually dead, it might be that the Subconscious is lieing, or that Anastasia has gone mental. Or maybe it's Jekyl and Hyde and Anastasia actually done the murder. Or maybe the subconscious was a real person all along, like just a mate of Anastasias who happens to have a weird Christian (pun!) name.

 

I spose we'll find out when I write another chapter and something or other ejaculates all over my keyboard!

[Itchen_block4]

Thanks sue I've been trying really hard with these chapters! What I do right is when I've written one I actually go to the trouble of reading it back and correcting the spellings and eliminating any particularly dumb adjectives. Even EL James herself don't bother doing that!

 

It is bit hard work though. I can't bring myself to spend pages and pages describing the buildings and what characters are eating and stuff like professional writers like EL James is doing. I did have a go once but I couldn't seem to stop it from getting borings! I guess that's why EL James is earning the big bucks!

 

Also, I've had a word with the dumb mods and we'd like to commission a thread called Suewhistles Adventures In Lesbianisms. It'll be a classy expose bout stuff what happens when girls is finding themselves lesbians and exploring other lesbians and stuff. A kind of education type thread if you will. Stevegrants said you can have free Saintsweb Membership 4eva once you have written bout this.

 

From what I can gather from your notes from book 1, it's that EL James doesn't storyboard her plot or have any idea where she's going, but just sits down and writes what comes into her head, throwing in some hot sex to keep the reader interested. The film is bound to be **** unless they make it into a porno. Calling EL James a "professional writer" flatters her really. "Business genius" is probably more apt, since like McDonalds or KFC, she shovels **** into fatties and rakes in the profit. Most authors will know where their plot is heading before they write the prose, so they don't need to get overly bogged down in descriptions.

 

You are a grade A pervert Bearsy and I mean that as the sincerest of compliments. Have you ever considered writing/directing porn?

[Bearsy]

Have you ever considered writing/directing porn?

 

That's my dream job! That's why i spend so much time watching it. Get out mum! I'm doing important research for work!

 

In other news I'm pretty sure EL James types one handed, if you know what i mean.

[Wibble]

Oh hi wibble. You should post more often wibble I'm trying to groom you as my Saintsweb girlfriend but it's difficult if you only post once a week.

 

Should I be afraid?

 

In other news I really like that dumb top or whatever you're wearing. It really brings out your eyes or whatever!

 

Thanks, I was initially worried that the pink would clash with the red of my blod shot eyes.

[Bearsy]

Should I be afraid?

 

Oh hi wibble! Are you doing something different with your dumb hair or whatever? I like it. Makes ur nose look less big.

 

I dunno why you'd be afraid! I think it's pretty clear from my postings on here that I am Perfect Gentleman! Are you worried bout tokyos? You don't need to be. He don't like girls, it'll just be you and me and my baseball bat.

Edited 7 December, 2012 by Bearsy

[dubai_phil]

Uh oh.

 

Review just in from FMDP on book 2..

 

It's a really great book. It's not just for lonely old ladies in England it's got action, harsh sex, it's just a really great book.

 

Bearsy.

 

Work to do Dude, I needed a riposte with detail. Help!

[Itchen_block4]

Oh hi wibble! Are you doing something different with your dumb hair or whatever? I like it. Makes ur nose look less big.

 

I dunno why you'd be afraid! I think it's pretty clear from my postings on here that I am Perfect Gentleman! Are you worried bout tokyos? You don't need to be. He don't like girls, it'll just be you and me and my baseball bat.

 

Have you ever played bum baseball with a lady (or man or whatever it is you is into)?

 

Also, I'm at uni and thhere is pulling to be done at the union. Problem is, its a proper club and the music is too loud to do any 50 shades talk. Some of the girls are well up for it, but short of going Jimmy Savile on them, I'm not sure what to do. Any tips?

[CB Saint]

Bear, you need to go to print sharpish. Saw today "50 shades of mr Darcy, a parody" and a "50 shades of brown" toilet roll and story gift pack. Plus if you don't get your claw out, you will miss the Xmas uplift in sales.

[Bearsy]

Book 2: 50 Shades Darker - Chapter 5

 

In all my 21 years I've never been to a police station before. It ain't what I expected, it's quite small inside and they have all the stolen goods on display with the value next to them like they're boasting bout what good coppers they are. "Can I help you?" says the dude by the counter. "I'd like to report... a murder!" I say all dramatically like they do on tv. Dude looks at me. "I think you want next door. This is a jewellers." Oh. That makes more sense!

 

So I try next door. "Oi, are you a copper?" He looks at me sniffilly. "We prefer police officer."

 

"Whatever. I want to report... a murder!"

 

They make me go sit in an interrogation room. This is a lot better. It's just like TV. The table and chairs are bolted down and it's got one of those mirrors on the wall which is really a window. I imagine there is a load of coppers behind it, chain smoking while they scrutinise my body languages. Probably they're also perving on my boobs and trying to look up my skirt, dirty bastards.

 

Door opens and a police dude comes in. He's one of the sexy looking ones like from movies. You can tell just by looking at him that he is Loose Cannon and Bends The Rules to get the Job Done.

 

"You have information about a homicide?" he says. Homicide! Lols.

 

"Yes."

 

There's an awkward silence. "And?" he says.

 

"It's Christian Grey... he's been murdered!"

 

Dude makes a note of this. "Christian Gay," he says.

 

"Grey! He's a mega-industrialist tycoon, and the enigmatic entrepeneur and major benefactor of Grey Enterprise Holdings Inc."

 

"What is your relationship to the deceased?"

 

Ooh awkward question. I lean forward a bit, and kind of whisper. "He wants to put it in my bum."

 

Dude looks at the mirror and raises his eyebrows. "And you believe he's been murdered?"

 

"Oh yes."

 

"And you know who committed the crime?"

 

"Oh yes."

 

"Who?"

 

"Erm." This is a bit awkward. My subconscious is stood right there looking at me frostily. She didn't want to come to the police at all. "What will happen to the person that done it?"

 

"It depends on the circumstances. They'll go to jail, or possibly face the death penalty."

 

My subconscious blanches. I've got no sympathy. If you can't do the time, don't do the crime!

 

"Look," says the copper. "We get a lot of time wasters in here, if you have any information give it to me now. Who are we talking about?"

 

"It's a friend of mine," I say in a small voice.

 

"Name?"

 

"Subconscious."

 

"Excuse me?"

 

"That's her name. At least that's what I always call her."

 

"Sub Conscious," he says slowly.

 

"Are you going to strip search me now?"

 

"What? Why?"

 

I lean forward, jut out my boobs. "You know, for evidence," I say huskily.

 

Dude takes a half step backwards, but before he can say anything there's a kind of banging noise from behind the mirror. "Excuse me," he says and pops out the room. He's gone a few minutes. I can hear raised voices arguing next door. When he comes back he seems a bit put-out. I imagine he's just had his balls busted by his Stupid Chief. "Ok," he says unenthusiastically. "Take off your clothes."

 

Oh no. I was afraid of this. Still you have to what the police say, so I stand up and start undressing. "Face towards the mirror please," says the police officer mechanically. I take off my shirt and my bra and my skirt and my pants. I walk over to the mirror and spread-eagle myself against it. The glass feels pleasingly cool on my nips. "Ok," I say resignedly.

 

"Ok what?"

 

"You can do the cavity search now."

 

"Nah... you're alright. We've got everything we need."

 

"Are you sure? There might be evidences in my bumhole."

 

"That's fine. Honestly. You're free to leave, we'll be in touch if there's any news," he says, and kind of runs out the room. I hear muffled laughing from the other side of the glass. I put my eye against it but I can't see nothing. Mysterious!

[Itchen_block4]

Good stuff Bearsy. Already looking forward to the next episode.

[Bearsy]

Oh hi Itchen! You having any luck down the Union? I've been thinking bout your problem bout how to pull b!tches when it's too noisy to charm them with your latent wit and charisma, and I'm thinking you might try being devilishly handsome. It's always worked a treat for me!

 

Seriously hooking up with drunk students at clubs ain't difficult, long as you don't mind getting blown out a few times. Just hit on every girl till one clicks! Don't ignore the ugly ones, they might be your level. What you do is go up and start talking on them, talk bout whatever you want, it don't matter, b!tch isn't really listening. The key thing is not to leave room for her to start talking too much cos pretty soon she'll be monopolising the conversation and you'll be like one of her girlfriends.

 

You can tell almost immediately if b!tch is interested, if you're honest with yourself. It's in her eyes or whatever. If you ain't feeling it bail immediately and move onto the next one. Remember to laugh at the rejections! The whole thing is ridiculous if you think bout it, it's all like a big confidence trick.

 

Free advice homes! I feel like I'm being a bit patronising tho. For all I know you're modern day cassanovas!

[CB Saint]

Oh hi Itchen! You having any luck down the Union? I've been thinking bout your problem bout how to pull b!tches when it's too noisy to charm them with your latent wit and charisma, and I'm thinking you might try being devilishly handsome. It's always worked a treat for me!

 

Seriously hooking up with drunk students at clubs ain't difficult, long as you don't mind getting blown out a few times. Just hit on every girl till one clicks! Don't ignore the ugly ones, they might be your level. What you do is go up and start talking on them, talk bout whatever you want, it don't matter, b!tch isn't really listening. The key thing is not to leave room for her to start talking too much cos pretty soon she'll be monopolising the conversation and you'll be like one of her girlfriends.

 

You can tell almost immediately if b!tch is interested, if you're honest with yourself. It's in her eyes or whatever. If you ain't feeling it bail immediately and move onto the next one. Remember to laugh at the rejections! The whole thing is ridiculous if you think bout it, it's all like a big confidence trick.

 

Free advice homes! I feel like I'm being a bit patronising tho. For all I know you're modern day cassanovas!

 

Sounds like a night at the Kaos club when I were a lad.

[Itchen_block4]

Bastard thing tonight has sold out. Looks like I'll have to settle for drinking in the lame student bar. Still, there might be some snatch there.

[Bearsy]

Book 2: 50 Shades Darker - Chapter 6

 

It's Christmas time in Washington or Vancouver or wherever the fvvck I live.You can tell because it's more cold and because people are wishing me Happy Christmas the whole time. What is there to be happy about? Christian Grey is dead FFS! Selfish bastards!

 

I find it odd that no-one has contacted me about Christian Grey's funeral. I'd of thought I would be guest of honour! Certainly I should be making a speech and throwing myself weeping over his coffin and dry humping his corpse and stuff. It seems a terrible oversight!

 

I ain't sure who to call so I pop along to his offices to see what they're saying about it. They're a callous bunch at his work. Hardly anyone is wearing black or silently weeping in stationary cupboards. Even his own secretary is dressed up as a slutty elf and openly singing Christmas carols. Fvvcking b!tch. I'm like, "Oh hi I'm here bout the funeral."

 

She seems confused. Probably drunk. "What funeral?"

 

"The Christian Grey funeral!"

 

She squints at me. "I dunno what you mean. He's in his office. Shall I call through?"

 

What! Christian ain't dead? "Yes," I say breathlessly, "tell him Ana is here!"

 

She does so, then she's like, "He says Ana who?"

 

"Anastasia Steele! He put a baseball bat up my bum Tuesday night!"

 

She tells him this, then she looks me up and down and says, "Blonde. Bit fat." Then after a second she says I can go on in.

 

I ain't been in this office since the first time I met Christian, when I tripped over and he nearly bummed me. It ain't changed a lot. The only thing that has changed in fact is Christian. He looks a lot different! He's aged about 30 years and is now about 40 pounds overweight. He's also grown a beard and his hair has gone all grey. It's all a bit odd. I only saw him Tuesday.

 

"That ain't him you dumb fvvck," says my subconscious and I have to concede she might be right.

 

"Where's Christian?" I say.

 

"That's me," says the dude.

 

"No, Christian Grey."

 

"Yes, that's me."

 

For fvvcks sake! "I'm looking for Christian Grey, the mega-industrialist tycoon, enigmatic entrepeneur and major benefactor of Grey Enterprise Holdings Inc."

 

He shrugs. "Still me."

 

Hmm. Is it possible there is two Christian Greys who is both mega-industrialist tycoons, and the enigmatic entrepeneurs and major benefactors of Grey Enterprise Holdings Inc? It would be a bit of a coincidence if they both worked in the same office though. Probably I need to be more specific. "The Christian Grey who whipped my butt and then shoved the handle up my vag till I cum on his fingers."

 

"There you have me," says the dude. "I ain't done that yet."

 

This is all very odd. I ain't been so confused since James Arthur won x-factor.

 

"Have you got a son?"

 

"Yes."

 

"Oh hi! I'm Ana! He probably mentioned me, he's been putting things up my bum and stuff."

 

"I doubt it. Lucas is only 8."

 

Sigh. I've had enough. I turn to leave but I don't realise my inner goddess is squatting behind me doing a poo on the carpet and I totally trip over her and fall heavily on my hands and knees!

 

"Wait right there!" says Christian Grey-hair urgently. "There's something hanging out the back of you!"

 

"What is it?" I say anxiously looking over my shoulder. Not my tampon string again!

 

Christian Grey-hair rushes over. "Just as I thought... it's my KNOB!"

 

He lifts my skirt and roughly pulls down my pants. I have a quick debate with my Subconscious about this. Should I be letting him knob me even though he is a disgsting old man I've only just met? My Subconscious thinks not, but I point out that his is a very rich disgusting old man I've only just met. Also having just lost one Christian Grey it would be very convenient to immediately replace him with another.

 

Before I can make my mind up though he sticks it in me with gusto. He puts it in my vag though, which is odd. I guess he ain't much like original Christian after all!

 

He does do me nice and rough though. I haven't been knobbed this hard since last Christmas when I forgot to leave out cookies for Santa. "Fvvcking. Dumb. B!tch!" he repeats over and over as he pounds away. Bit out of order to talk bout his secretary like that!

[Itchen_block4]

This is getting kinda weird. Are we going back to the supernatural Twilight roots?

[Bearsy]

Nah i mean i think not. I was gonna do a whole thing where the dude she was knobbing before was really like a toilet attendant or something pretending to be Christian Grey to score chicks.

 

It's all getting a bit complicated tho. I guess that's why EL James never bothers having any plot in her books, it kind of gets in the way of the lols.

[Deano6]

Middle of Chapter 6 it all started to get a bit American Psycho. I fully expect Chapter 7 to see the introduction of a wheel of brie and a rat.

[Upwind]

I ain't sure who to call so I pop along to his offices to see what they're saying about it. They're a callous bunch at his work. Hardly anyone is wearing black or silently weeping in stationary cupboards. Even his own secretary is dressed up as a slutty elf and openly singing Christmas carols. Fvvcking b!tch. I'm like, "Oh hi I'm here bout the funeral."

 

I'm wondering - was the cupboard also used for office equipment?

[Trader]

I'm wondering - was the cupboard also used for office equipment?

 

Yep - once they stop moving you can use 'em for stationery.

[Itchen_block4]

Are you planning to have a book ready to release next Christmas? Can someone who has read the whole fvvcking thing confirm whether EL James has definatively ended the series or whether she has left the door open for a sequel? Perhaps you could sell her your 50 shades of awesomeness and she could pad it out with the tiresome drivel that was such a feature in book 1? It would sell like hot cakes.

 

BTW, I managed to get into the union. Crazy night, got a snog but unfortunately nothing else. Mental b!tch was trying to bite my tounge off though, so probs a good thing in retrospect.

[Bearsy]

BTW, I managed to get into the union. Crazy night, got a snog but unfortunately nothing else. Mental b!tch was trying to bite my tounge off though, so probs a good thing in retrospect.

 

Word. If that's how she's treating ur tongue probably best keep her clear of the knob!

 

I dunno what I'm doing now. I think I've had enough inventing chapters I might do one more to tie things up in a nice satisfying ending then maybe have a read of book 2 to see how Official Version compares!

[dubai_phil]

A Christmas Message for all of Bearsy's fans

 

 

[/img]

[suewhistle]

I think I preferred chapter 5 to chapter 6; the latter seemed like you were in a hurry to get somewhere and there were more lolz in 5.

 

Sorry I missed your kind offer to write my own masterwork - or is that mistresswork - but the memory isn't what it was and adventures are few and far between here. If I were into the juniors in the footie team like our disgusting _ex_ physio then there might have been more, but fortunately I'm not... Still, writers are meant to be imaginative, aren't they - E L James excepted - so maybe one of these days... Maybe I'll have a good New Year's Eve in Southampton this year and then have fun in the Itchen stand ladies' toilets at the Arsenal match - if I can get a ticket, that is...

[SuperMikey]

https://youtube.googleapis.com/v/7WahBH9sANg

[dubai_phil]

I think I preferred chapter 5 to chapter 6; the latter seemed like you were in a hurry to get somewhere and there were more lolz in 5.

 

Sorry I missed your kind offer to write my own masterwork - or is that mistresswork - but the memory isn't what it was and adventures are few and far between here. If I were into the juniors in the footie team like our disgusting _ex_ physio then there might have been more, but fortunately I'm not... Still, writers are meant to be imaginative, aren't they - E L James excepted - so maybe one of these days... Maybe I'll have a good New Year's Eve in Southampton this year and then have fun in the Itchen stand ladies' toilets at the Arsenal match - if I can get a ticket, that is...

 

If you want to slum it in the Chapel I can pull some reins oops strings and get you to the front of the queue to "borrow" my ST for the game. Usual charges will apply Match ticket value in Good Quality Plonk left with my mates....

[Itchen_block4]

You in the process of doing a conclusion Bearsy? Can I request that b!tch dies a slow, painful death at the hands of Christian? Then her corpse gets gang raped by Christian, Jose, Dr Savile, Cvvnt Travis, Christian Grey-Hair and all the other male characters we've met, the Inner Goddess is taking a dump in B!tch's mouth, Kate is filming and fingering herself while the Subconcious is crying in the corner pounding paracetamol.

[Bearsy]

Dunno i think that's how the original series ends and i don't want to get done for copyrights. My mum got me one of them kindles for Christmas tho so i might download the actual book 2 laters see what's happening in that... If it's lols i will do a review!

[Bearsy]

Real Actual Book Review B!tches!

 

Book 2: 50 Shades Darker - Chapter One

 

Okay so I've actually bought the fvvcking thing! It cost me £3.32 on kindle which saved me the embarrassment of buying the filth in an actual shop but has immediately fvvcked up my Amazon shopping history. I'm now being offered Twilight novels, self help books for chubby mums and also a book called "50 Shades of Black and Blue" by I.B.Naughtie which i imagine is ripping the p!ss on the 50. I wonder how many people buy 50 Shades just to rip the p!ss. Don't spose E.L.James is bothered, she's got my money now!

 

First up there is an actual prologue but i don't bother reading prologues. If it ain't good enough even to make the book proper then it ain't deserving my attention so i pile immediately into Chapter 1.

 

We pick up 3 days after Ana broke up with Christian. She's just started a new job. Her boss comes up to her and says what a good job she's done. She don't say thanks or nothing, she just says I'm going home now. He says good night, and then she says good night. I dunno why E.L.James thinks we need to hear bout this dumb conversation but it might be important for laters so I thought I'd share. The boss dude's name by the way is Jack Hyde. His name interests me, I reckon E.L.James is doing some of her classic fore-shadowing! I shouldn't be at all surprised if nice Jack(yll) turns out to be psycho Mr. Hyde.

 

Once she's outside she takes a deep breath but it "doesn't begin to fill the void in my chest". I'm no doctor, but I believe that's called your lungs and if you can't fill them with breathing then you ought to call a fvvcking ambulance.

 

She accidentally thinks bout Christian and it gives her bitter taste in her mouth. I'm like yeah baby remember the bitter taste of my juices baby in ur mouth-hole! But she doesn't seem to like it so what she does now is try to keep her mind as blank as possible. I can't imagine that's difficult.

 

She goes home. Katherine "Kate" Kavenagh is on holiday so she's all alone. She turns on tv "but I don't listen or watch" and again i don't like to be criticising the whole time but that kind of defeats the object. If you don't want to listen or watch the tv there's no point turning it on. It's actually easier to not listen or watch tv if you leave it switched off.

 

Then someone rings on her doorbell, and she's like who can that be? It turns out to be delivery man. He is "noisily chewing gum" which must be annoying when you're busy trying not to listen to tv.

 

The delivery is two dozen white roses and a card. It's from Christian, he's saying bout congratulations on her new job. This simple gesture makes the "hollow void in my chest expand." I'm relieved. Cancel the ambulance, she's breathing.

 

She looks at the roses, but she can't bring herself to throw them in the trash. It wouldn't even of occurred to me! Ungrateful b!tch!

 

"In my mind's eye, I visualize Christian's face the last time I saw him as when I left."

 

Read that sentence a couple of times. I know I did.

 

There's now a lot of guff bout how much she misses Christian. She can't eat cos she misses him so bad. By her account in 6 days the only thing she eats is one cup of yoghurt (do you put yoghurt in cups? I usually eat it straight from the pot). This is actually quite normal, it's a natural state that b!tches have developed through evolution. What happens is in relationship they get comfortable, start over-eating and get fat and disgusting. When they inevitably lose their mate the evolutionary instincts kick in and they starve themselves till they're slim enough to attract a new stud. Simple scientific fact. It's been the same since cave-man days although of course in cave-man days they had no choice cos if there weren't a dude out hunting you a sabre-tooth tiger, then there was no sabre-tooth tiger burgers to be got.

 

She gets email from Christian at work. He's asking if she wants to go with him to see Jose's opening. I blink a bit at this, but it turns out to be a gallery opening where Jose is showing his dumb photos. Anastasia reads this email then hastily leaves her desk and runs to toilet. I figure she's going to drop off the yoghurt, but it turns out she just wants to have a little cry.

 

She agrees to go with him to see Jose's opening. He picks her up from work in his dumb helicopter. Jackyll Hyde is not loving this, you can tell he's well jealous. He's probably calculating how much money he's gonna have to spend on the b!tch to knob her. Christian immediately notices bout all the weight she's lost and is really p!ssed off bout it. I totally get this, all the time they was going out she's stuffing her fat gob with ham sandwiches and nettles and it's only after they split she bothers to show some self control.

 

She's pleased to see him and gets a lady boner. "Desire pools dark and deadly in my groin." I sometimes like to imagine what my reaction would be if i was chatting to a girl and she said something dumb like that. Could i still bone a girl if she was having desire pooling dark and deadly in her vag?

 

Not that Christian don't say dumb things too. Here is one thing he says in the helicopter, "We've chased the dawn Anastasia, now the dusk." She gapes at him in surprise. What does this mean? I'm on same page, I don't have a fvvcking clue!

 

They rock up at this gallery thing. Jose is there. I'm disappointed that it takes him 4 sentences before he says Dios Mio, it's almost like he ain't portugese no more! He's a bit bummed that she's turned up with Christian and to be honest it is a bit out of order, dude's big night grand gallery opening and she brings the guy who stopped him raping her a couple months back. She's very impressed with his photos though. He's done monochromes and colours. Then she wanders round the corner and finds hanging on the wall no less than seven giant portraits of her dumb face! She is surprised by this. She never sat for no portraits or signed necessary model release forms or whatever. I'm picturing long lense snaps of her shaving her pits. Christian is a bit p!ssed off and immediately buys all seven cos "I don't want some stranger ogling you". Ker-ching! Maybe Jose ain't so dumb after all! I feel like he's got vengeance for the Weatherspoons cock block!

 

Christian sticks it out for 30 minutes, which is about 25 minutes more than I could stand looking at dumb photos in a gallery. Anastasia wants to stay longer but Christian points out quite reasonably that "you've seen the photos and spoken to the boy". He's started calling Jose boy. Possibly a bit condescending, he's only like 5 years older. Unless Jose is black. Maybe Jose is black. Maybe it's a racist thing. Where are we, Seattle. Is that a Klan state?

[dubai_phil]

Ah so this is why sue has been quiet for a while

 

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2266318/Steven-Lock-guilty-Fifty-Shades-Of-Grey-attack-partner-signed-sex-slave-contract.html

 

Wonder if there will now be a new breed of Contract Lawyers offering watertight Sex Slave contracts..

hmm now there is an opportunity

[h=1]Jeweller found not guilty of 'Fifty Shades Of Grey' attack on partner after jury hears she signed a 'sex slave contract'[/h]

 

• Steven Lock, 43, said he and a woman partner had both read the book
  
  
• Told jury that they had been planning 'master and slave' session for months
  
  
• Outside court, Mr Lock, said he was relieved that the jury 'had seen sense'
  
• Jury told woman had 'Property of Steven Lock' tattooed on her body
  
• She travelled from Norfolk to Suffolk to take part in the sex session
  

 

Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2266318/Steven-Lock-guilty-Fifty-Shades-Of-Grey-attack-partner-signed-sex-slave-contract.html#ixzz2ImgDwWHY

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[CB Saint]

I'm guessing this is going to take some time to get going

[Bearsy]

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2266318/Steven-Lock-guilty-Fifty-Shades-Of-Grey-attack-partner-signed-sex-slave-contract.html

 

I'd love to get Jury service for a case like that! I bet it would be lols plus I bet all they was all quietly masturbating in the Jury box. Bit out of order tho how he was found innocent but he's all over the papers and she is still unnamed.

[dubai_phil]

I'd love to get Jury service for a case like that! I bet it would be lols plus I bet all they was all quietly masturbating in the Jury box. Bit out of order tho how he was found innocent but he's all over the papers and she is still unnamed.

 

Mind you, I bet his inbox is full of offers.....

 

Soooooooooooooo many b1tches have read that book.

 

Perhaps that's a business oppty for you Bearsy - build a Dungeon just for b1tches 100 quid an hour with web cam 200 an hour without

[Cascadia Saint]

Bear! We need more chapters! I must admit I missed the fact you started book two 4 realz, but does no-one else care? One of the greatest critical talents of this or any world started book two and has been ignored since early January? Heathens. The lot of them. I was er... Busy, so I didn't 'notice' or whatever, but everyone else?

 

Come on people, he bought the entire tome on amazon and has only justified the massive multi-pound outlay with one solitary chapter review thus far... I forwarded the link to this thread to all 3 of my friends, and 1 of them actually read it so...

 

Go on bearsy, you know you want to slip into your old writers smoking jacket and slippers, or whatever the hell you wear when summarising baseballbatbumbashing and ornithological carpentry. I would offer you a fiver, but some ostrich raided my Paypal account yesterday.

[Bearsy]

oh hi socal thanks for that yo! I might have a little read laters. It'll feel like starting again tho, the only thing I remember bout book 1 is Christian getting conned into buying 7 giant photos of bitches dumb face! That is quite lols when you think about it tho. Probably gonna knock 20% off his house value.

 

The whole enterprise should be bit easier now that mods have turned off swearfilters and i can call her fucking cunt with impunity!

[Tokyo-Saint]

Bear! You are so great, please let me suck on your balls. I told all my friends that I suck on your balls but now they are asking for proof and say I am just making it up to sound cool.

 

oh hi socal thanks for that yo! I might have a little T-bagging laters but right now I am busy spreading racial hatred on the internets. Maybe come over laterz, we can watch girls together, have a few drinks and see where things end up. I can't promise you anything thou, I am a popular bear

 

God I miss Bletchy. Usually he would handle this sort of thing.

 

Minus 5 reputation points Social (sic) saint!

[Bearsy]

so jealous tokyos! so bitter!

 

where is bletch anyhow? have we lost him back to lounges?

[Tokyo-Saint]

Bletch hasn't posted for about a month now. Milts is under even heavier observation than usual.

[Cascadia Saint]

God I miss Bletchy. Usually he would handle this sort of thing.

 

Minus 5 reputation points Social (sic) saint!

 

I had reputation points to lose? Result!

 

So sorry to come between (as it were) you and your bear. Jealousy is a terrible thing, but you don't need to worry - its only a literary attraction. You can look forward to the familiar feeling of gargling on fuzzy balls later, I'm sure.

[Tokyo-Saint]

It's no good back tracking now, bears already downloaded the latest episodes of girls and some 'classic' sex & the Cities. Never leave an angry bear hanging socal.

[Cascadia Saint]

Oh god, I'm not watching girls again. I mean, at all. Oops.

[Tokyo-Saint]

Shame really as bear was telling me how he wants to try a Swedish breakfast with someone. He had hoped for MLG but we all know that's just a pipe dream. He's saving himself for Turks.

[Cascadia Saint]

A Turkish brunch?

[Tokyo-Saint]

Call it what you like, if bear gets the eggs out - leg it!

[Cascadia Saint]

Especially if he wants them over easy.

[saintbletch]

Bletch hasn't posted for about a month now. Milts is under even heavier observation than usual.

 

Sorry son, I mean Toke.

 

My absence has had nothing to do with Milton - neither the poet nor the question mark skate.

 

I've actually found myself struck down with a severe case of prestadidwick's congena.

 

And I mean severe. It's made me weep like a teased vagina.

[Tokyo-Saint]

Bletch you're back! And as per usual, I haven't got a clue what you're on about. Just like before! I assume you've had some kind of erectile distinction or need to go more often than before. This is what TV has learnt me about men your age. That and if you have an accident, you're quids in.

 

I missed you bletch, we almost had to bring MLG in on a short term contact to be the boring one. Thank god you are back and not tied up in the back of milt's blue ford Granada.

[saintbletch]

Bletch you're back! And as per usual, I haven't got a clue what you're on about. Just like before! I assume you've had some kind of erectile distinction or need to go more often than before. This is what TV has learnt me about men your age. That and if you have an accident, you're quids in.

 

I missed you bletch, we almost had to bring MLG in on a short term contact to be the boring one. Thank god you are back and not tied up in the back of milt's blue ford Granada.

 

That's possibly the nicest things anyone's ever said about me Toke. I'm not too proud to say that you've almost made me moist.

 

But put away the boredom bunting, I'm not going to be posting regularly again for a while. I've got a new client in our nation's capital and I'm doing some serious hours at the moment.

 

I know you miss me. It's almost reciprocated. But it's ok, there are other people that can bore you and fill your day with edifying ennui.

 

Now if you'll forgive me, I've got a bear sycophant to bait.

 

Bear! We need more chapters! I must admit I missed the fact you started book two 4 realz, but does no-one else care? One of the greatest critical talents of this or any world started book two and has been ignored since early January? Heathens. The lot of them. I was er... Busy, so I didn't 'notice' or whatever, but everyone else?

 

Come on people, he bought the entire tome on amazon and has only justified the massive multi-pound outlay with one solitary chapter review thus far... I forwarded the link to this thread to all 3 of my friends, and 1 of them actually read it so...

 

Go on bearsy, you know you want to slip into your old writers smoking jacket and slippers, or whatever the hell you wear when summarising baseballbatbumbashing and ornithological carpentry. I would offer you a fiver, but some ostrich raided my Paypal account yesterday.

 

"Please bear, will you talk about men's wobbly dangles again? Please bear, describe a woman's humid fufu for me. Oh bear, you're so clever and erudite and, and, and, and when you talk about a lady's critterous, I get a tingle in my wee wee pipe."

 

socal saint, you should be ashamed of yourself! This site should be encouraging proper literature reviews, by proper reviewers and through the proper offices of the Arts' forum. We certainly don't need an ursine erotomaniac without the requisite controls of his plural.

 

So please don't feed the bear. He just gets aroused, and when he's aroused I have it on good authority that he types with his left hand, be-gloved in a waterproof mink glove, and in his right hand he holds a bag of warm liver (calf's).