Bearsy Investigates: 50 Shades Of Grey

[Tokyo-Saint]

I've been, it was good but then the horse sh!t on the stage and spoiled the atmosphere.

[Bearsy]

50 Shades of Grey: Chapter 26

 

Final chapter b!tches!

 

Anastasia wakes up with a jolt cos she just dreamed bout falling down some stairs. B!tch makes out like she tripped but I shouldn't be at all surprised if someone pushed her.

 

She feels rested. This surprises her! It wouldn't surprise me but then I quite often wake up rested. That's kind of why I go to sleep. Maybe it's different for her what with getting shoved down stairs the whole time. She can hear piano music from the next room so she goes to investigate. She finds Christian, "Shrouded in darkness, Christian sits in a bubble of light." This is one of them sentences I'm having to read several times. It don't seem to make no sense!

 

She finds him playing the piano. B!tch is loving this! The music he is playing is beautiful and melancholy and whatever. When he finishes he pauses for a split second, then starts playing the same song again. I'm investigating he can play piano bout as much as I can! I can play "Any Old Iron" from start to finish with both hands and singing, and sometimes I do when there's a piano lying around or whatever, and b!tches is creaming themselves "Oh Bearsy I didn't know you could play piano!" and I smile enigmatically, and then they're like "Play something else!" and I'm stymied cos it's the only song I know. My granddad learned it me like a monkey, I don't really know what I'm doing.

 

He asks what she's up to, and she says she's got to take her pill. You know, the one what kills her babies.

 

"He raises his eyebrows in surprise. Well remembered, he murmurs, and I can tell he's impressed."

 

It is a small kind of accomplishment I spose.

 

They is then chatting bout the sex contract. It ain't all bout what stuff he's gonna put up her bum, a lot of it is about how she's got to behave. It's all perfectly reasonable stuff, like she has to do what he says, and eat what he says, and wear what he says and keep her vag hairs trim. She ain't so bothered bout this, she's more bothered bout getting punished when she fvvcks up. She's wondering how bad these punishments is gonna get, and he's like "I'll show you," and she's like "You'll have to catch me first!"

 

They is then chasing around his apartment for a bit like retards at a Special School Disco. He catches her pretty easily (she's fat) and frog marches her into the rape room. He decides he's gonna whip her butt six times with a belt buckle. I dunno why six times. It seems an arbitrary figure. If EL James was any kind of writer she'd of made it 50.

 

He lifts her dressing gown so she's bare butt, and he makes her count along. She's like "One!" scream ow whimper, "Two!" scream ow whimper cry and so on. By the time dude hits six she's proper crying and runs out the room rubbing her butt.

 

He brings her an advil for her butt. An advil, it turns out, is not one of those iron things Wile E Coyote tried to drop on Roadrunner's head, it's the American word for Anadin.

 

She is then saying she's fallen in love with him. No! says Christian clearly horrified. That's the actual word EL James uses, horrified. It's the last thing dude wants to hear, after all. Then she's saying but they can't be together no more. Every cloud etc.

 

That's kind of how it ends. They ain't gonna see each other no more. At least till book two.

 

There we have it, the story of too young lovers fated to be torn asunder. It's like Romeo & Juliet, except sh!t.

 

FIN

 

Bearsy's Conclusion

 

On commencing these investigations, it was my aim to discover methods of making b!tches do what they don't want to do. I think it's fair to say I have uncovered the formula!

 

What you have to remember is that every b!tch is made of three parts:

 

1) The First Person Consciousness. This is the bit that is walking around and talking. You don't need to worry too much bout her, she ain't in charge of anything.

 

2) The Subconscious. This is the nagging voice of her friends, her mum and magazine articles. She will be criticising on you the whole time in the background. Thing to watch for here is that the subconscious gets stronger as b!tch gets older and usually ends up taking complete control by the time b!tch hits 50. This is why sometimes older chicks can be so bitter and disagreeable.

 

3) The Inner Goddess. This is the part of the b!tch that is buying 50 Shades of Grey and thinking it a good book. It really speaks to the Inner Goddess. She is the little b!tch in every woman that deep down wants to get raped.

 

It is the Inner Goddess you need to be working on! Here is the methods:

 

a) Make the Inner Goddess think you is too good for her. You do this by sneering at her, and criticising her, and bossing her around, and putting her in situations where she is less comfortable than you. Flying your helicopter, for example. If not get her physically threatened by one of your mates, and then step in to 'save her'. If you do this, act like you're angry that you had to go to the trouble. She will be grateful, and guilty, and in your debt.

 

b) Be making her friends fancy you. You should certainly be hitting on the friends and be nicer to them than you are to her. This makes the Inner Goddess desperate for your attention, and anxious to get you so she can lord it up over her mates.

 

c) Don't be a little b!tch. This shouldn't need saying, but it's surprising how many dudes I see trying to score chicks by being nice to them, and begging on them, and complimenting their hair-do, and being sympathetic bout all their dumb concerns. You should think of the Inner Goddess as a badly behaved and ugly dog you're trying to train up. Never, under any circumstance be begging on your dog. Never ask for stuff, be ordering stuff!

 

Thanks for reading homies! I hope these investigations is useful! If you is managing to apply these lessons, and get b!tches to do stuff that they know they shouldn't be doing, be sure to report back and let us all know!

 

Wishing you all a merry rapemas and happy new anal.

 

Bearsy

[JoeShmoe]

Top work bearsy, my misses has all 3 of these books and no way I was gonna read them, now I can talk with her about them (for 2 mins before it gets boring) and make it look like I read them to show an interest!

Edited 10 November, 2012 by JoeShmoe

[dubai_phil]

Dear Bearsy.

 

Wow. If only you had been around with that summary when I was younger. I might have got laid more than once a year.

 

That bit about the Inner Goddess is sooooooooo true.

 

Why. only last night I was rockings to the Stereowelshgits on the beach with my mate and this drunk b 1tch is getting all like you have to sing along and I am all it's a song about trees and I don't do that tree hugging sh1t except for work.

 

Then she is getting me to wave my hands in the air & I'm like fark off I'm trying to drink my Heinekens before they get warm and full of sand.

This just seemed to drive her even more crazy and she gets out one of those glo light things that they is all having round their necks and wants me to wave it like I'm at a Rod Stewart gig & he's singing Sailing.

So like straight out I say look stop being a b1tch and ruining my evening I just want to listen to the (not allowed to say sheep & intercourse related word) and she's like Oh I love an aggressive man and I'm like WHAT? then she grabs my arm, says let's go I need to sh@g you NOW.

 

So luckily at this point my own inner God kicks in and I says - OK I'll be right back I'll just go to the loo.

Dumb b1tch fell for it! YEAH did a runner straight over to where my Youngest was with his mates with a case of Absolut and we is doing the gig proper singing to Dakota and then this like 23 year old chick comes up and says Oh are you from Wales? & I'm like WTF sorry? what IS IT with you women? I'm SINGING and DAD DANCING How the FARK does that make me from WALES?

And straight away she's like oh wow you are so rude I just wanted to talk.

TALK FFS woman we're just getting to the high screeching bit, GO AWAY.

Then just as we belt out Feel Like the One in the chorus she grabs my tackle and Wow first time ever I was in the right key to that bit & I hit the high notes!

Then I says Darling get your hands off my tackle or so help me I am calling security. Are you even 21? GO AWAY and she's like oh wow you are so hot I need sex NOW. Oh I says, sorry I didn't realise hang on...

Ha I taught Soooo taught her a lesson.

 

I grabbed my youngest away from the Absolut. pushed him in front of me and said He went to Uni in Wales so he's almost Welsh and then grabbed my mate & legged it for the free bus home.

 

Get home FMDP staggers in (she'd been out with her fit friends who I always flirt with - You're back early?

Yeah place was full of crazy drunk b1tches all wanting Sex.

Oh wow REALLY? Tell me about it. Well the first one was just like..... Anyway I get throughs half the story and she wrecked my brand new worn once Primark Je Suis La Party T Shirt didn't even TRY to get it over my head just rip.....

 

Perhaps I shouldn't have then said FFS woman can't you let a man develop a hangover in peace..Kawoosh, nearly broke the damned coffee table...

 

So this morning as we is having a late breakfast & watching Sky News, youngest staggers in with an equally torn Tee Shirt and simply says WTF was THAT all about?

 

Bearsy.

 

Enuff of the reviews. You has to write a proper book for the lads How to treat b1tches so you always get laid. It'll sell zillions more than that MartianVenus krap it REALLY works!

 

But you need let that Bletch be your Editor, all that criticism will make it perfects. Maybe Tokyo's can manage your Social Media I'm told that's how marketing works these days

Edited 10 November, 2012 by dubai_phil

[Badger]

50 Shades of Grey: Chapter 26

 

 

... chasing around his apartment for a bit like retards at a Special School Disco.

 

Never seen that phrase in a Book Review , Bearsy. Will have to remember it.

[dubai_phil]

Be warned boys

 

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2231067/The-Fifty-Shades-divorce-High-flyer-splits-husband-refused-spice-love-life-THAT-book.html

 

A high-powered City businesswoman is divorcing her husband after he refused to play along with the erotic themes in the raunchy blockbuster, Fifty Shades Of Grey.

The wife, a 41-year-old banker who earns more than £400,000 a year, bought the bestseller almost as soon as it was published last year, and decided to use it to pep up the couple's staid sex life.

But when her husband failed to respond to the novel's themes, which include bondage and S&M, she petitioned for divorce.

In the case, filed in the High Court this year, the wife refers to the book in her grounds for divorce, which blames the breakdown of the marriage on the husband's lack of sexual adventure.

The wife's solicitor, Amanda McAlister, one of Britain's leading matrimonial lawyers, says she believes the case is the first where the book has triggered a divorce.

 

[saintbletch]

Personally, I'm glad that's over with. I have never read such a poor book review. There were times when you actually seemed to be more interested in the sex in the book than the book itself!

 

I was expecting some analysis of the themes that E L James had used. I had hoped that you might then go on to use thematic patterning to suggest other great works that 50 Shades of Grey has borrowed from. For example, the book is clearly from the same oeuvre as Jilly Cooper's seminal Riders or Jackie Collins' Lucky. And as for characterisation, E L James has basically taken Collins' Lucky Santiago, put her in a suit, given her a helicopter a rape room and a whip, painted her Grey and changed the dominance of one or two chromosomes. This should have been explored.

 

I thought we might have got an insight into the voice that E L James had lent the two main characters, but instead we got a hairy bear, grunting and pleasuring himself whilst frantically turning pages and scan-reading for the word "anal".

 

I had hoped for an exploration of the obvious narrative motif of Christian's S&M fantasy. Whilst you did touch on it (I bet you did), I think I can confidently speak for everyone that has read this thread when I say that we'd have preferred less sex and anal-analysis, and more detail on the Christian character's background - just what made him see sex through this sub/dom prism?

 

You've let us all down bear.

 

It was quite funny in parts I s'pose.

 

P.S. Mrs. saintbletch tells me that there is more sex in book 2, but as she didn't see any lols in book 1, she cannot say if there are more lols in book 2. Dumb b!tch.

[Frank's cousin]

Personally, I'm glad that's over with. I have never read such a poor book review. There were times when you actually seemed to be more interested in the sex in the book than the book itself!

 

I was expecting some analysis of the themes that E L James had used. I had hoped that you might then go on to use thematic patterning to suggest other great works that 50 Shades of Grey has borrowed from. For example, the book is clearly from the same oeuvre as Jilly Cooper's seminal Riders or Jackie Collins' Lucky. And as for characterisation, E L James has basically taken Collins' Lucky Santiago, put her in a suit, given her a helicopter a rape room and a whip, painted her Grey and changed the dominance of one or two chromosomes. This should have been explored.

 

I thought we might have got an insight into the voice that E L James had lent the two main characters, but instead we got a hairy bear, grunting and pleasuring himself whilst frantically turning pages and scan-reading for the word "anal".

 

I had hoped for an exploration of the obvious narrative motif of Christian's S&M fantasy. Whilst you did touch on it (I bet you did), I think I can confidently speak for everyone that has read this thread when I say that we'd have preferred less sex and anal-analysis, and more detail on the Christian character's background - just what made him see sex through this sub/dom prism?

 

You've let us all down bear.

 

It was quite funny in parts I s'pose.

 

P.S. Mrs. saintbletch tells me that there is more sex in book 2, but as she didn't see any lols in book 1, she cannot say if there are more lols in book 2. Dumb b!tch.

 

Not so sure about al this Bletchy - think you have let your interwebguard down a bit, as throughout the readings of this phenomenon, I have been postulating various conspiracy theories to rival anything on that there main board. To date I have come up with 3 as follows:

 

1. Bearsy is actually one of those intellectually brilliant psychologisychiartistry types at one of those obviously communist high brow universities thingies and as been studying the impact of semi illiterate erotica on the socially challenged members of SWFMS - a study that he will be publishing in The Lancet or NEJM (New England Journal of Medicine), Nature, or BJs (Bearsy's Journal), sometime in 2013 (I heard a rumour that he was currently recruiting potential experts for peer review)

 

2. Bearsy is actually one of them B!tches and she and her girly friends have been sat around on cushions stuffing their faces wth chocolate and drinking Prosecco or whatever whilst laughing/giggling at the 'stupid' blokes getting erotically charged by his commentary on this fine piece of literature?

 

3. Beasry is actually one of them B!tches and she and her girly friends have been sat around on cushions stuffing their faces wth chocolate and drinking Prosecco or whatever whilst secretly getting 'excited' by the the thought of these 'cool' and sophisticated blokes on here getting erroticaly charged by his commentary and are hoping we take them on dates and ditch our wifeb!tches for them instead....

 

ha Bearsy you is not foolings us (sic) for a second!

 

I am sure there are other theories, but be warned, never let your interweb guard down, 'Contsant vigilance' is what I say!

Edited 11 November, 2012 by Frank's cousin

[Tokyo-Saint]

Bletch do I get some literature points for getting the metaphor stuff about the curtain pole and the link with beef curtains? I used to notice this kind of thing in literature class at school but the teacher would just blush and disagree with me. She couldn't see that the lady of Shalott was getting kebabed after she got dressed up in colours gay and the Knights came riding two by two. For me, this just sounded like a night out on the town, all that was missing was a bottle of Lambrini.

[Bearsy]

Sexual Adventures!

 

 

Ain't it that there is laws over there bout boning b!tches at Sterocvvntic concerts? It's the main reason I've never been to Dubai!

[Frank's cousin]

Bletch do I get some literature points for getting the metaphor stuff about the curtain pole and the link with beef curtains? I used to notice this kind of thing in literature class at school but the teacher would just blush and disagree with me. She couldn't see that the lady of Shalott was getting kebabed after she got dressed up in colours gay and the Knights came riding two by two. For me, this just sounded like a night out on the town, all that was missing was a bottle of Lambrini.

 

Well if Shakespear can get away with Tit (Titania), young lovers lost in the 'woods' (an obvious metaphor for 'hairy one') and then that there 'donkey' - that there Oberon, provides to pleasure his wife, dont know what your teach is getting all flustered about that Lady of small French onions (sic)....

[Bearsy]

Criticising criticisms

 

Sorry to let you down Beltch! I'll try and clarify the issues you was raising!

 

I was expecting some analysis of the themes that E L James had used. I had hoped that you might then go on to use thematic patterning to suggest other great works that 50 Shades of Grey has borrowed from. For example, the book is clearly from the same oeuvre as Jilly Cooper's seminal Riders or Jackie Collins' Lucky. And as for characterisation, E L James has basically taken Collins' Lucky Santiago, put her in a suit, given her a helicopter a rape room and a whip, painted her Grey and changed the dominance of one or two chromosomes. This should have been explored.

 

I've not read any of them books your citing above. We did read Pride and Prejudice at school tho, and that was basically the same. All books written to get Inner Goddesses wet is following the same plot. Stupid virgin meets rich man. Despite stupid virgins stupid virginity, rich man is unaccountably drawn to her. Stupid virgin gets boned by rich man.

 

I thought we might have got an insight into the voice that E L James had lent the two main characters, but instead we got a hairy bear, grunting and pleasuring himself whilst frantically turning pages and scan-reading for the word "anal".

 

Anastasia was mostly saying "Oh my!". Christian was mostly saying, "Bend over."

 

Sample text:

CHRISTIAN: Bend over!

ANASTASIA: Oh my!

 

I had hoped for an exploration of the obvious narrative motif of Christian's S&M fantasy. Whilst you did touch on it (I bet you did), I think I can confidently speak for everyone that has read this thread when I say that we'd have preferred less sex and anal-analysis, and more detail on the Christian character's background - just what made him see sex through this sub/dom prism?

 

The reasons Christian was liking S&M is clouded in mystery. They is often hinted at, insofar as dude keeps saying he has dark secret but can't talk bout it. Anastasia made a big thing bout his mum being a crack whore till he was 4 years old, but I ain't seeing the connection. For all I know my mum was a crack whore when I was 4, it wouldn't make no difference to me now!

 

P.S. Mrs. saintbletch tells me that there is more sex in book 2, but as she didn't see any lols in book 1, she cannot say if there are more lols in book 2. Dumb b!tch.

 

You had me at more sex!

[suewhistle]

I have been postulating various conspiracy theories to rival anything on that there main board. To date I have come up with 3 as follows:

 

I personally think theory 2 is the likeliest, although my whatever at the moment is a bottle of Giama', Montefalco Rosso DOC 2009, Vignobaldi..

 

Mind you, I find it disturbing at how easy it is to get blokes scan reading for selective material, and equally disturbing that so many of my sisters have made EL James rich by buying this crap. Why don't they buy the Orange prize short list: last time I noticed going for a good price with The Book People. Is there actually any _intentional_ humour in the book at all? With Jane Austen there is, although it's not so fruitful on the scan reading front...

 

As for my Inner Goddess, you wouldn't want to meet her. She scares me, as she's just waiting for a legitimate excuse to leave Christian Grey writhing on the floor and then stamping on his hand. Normally I'm such a pacific person so it's best you don't meet her!;-) [Although I have heard there are blokes who like that sort of thing...].

 

Actually Bearsy, thank you for your sacrifice in reading the book and warning us all. You don't need to read the others: that would be too much to ask from anyone with any discrimination. Consider yourself absolved from further jury service.. :-)

[scotty]

Top work depps, I have actually saved these musings for posterity. They will be appearing on another website(s) near you shortly.

[Bearsy]

Lols if you're posting them on mumsnet or something send me a link so I can lol at their outrages!

[scotty]

Lols if you're posting them on mumsnet or something send me a link so I can lol at their outrages!

 

f*ck off mate, it'll be spicier than mumsnet. You will be inundated with offers of arserape, I hope your colon can take the battering its in for. That pic of tokyo with the grizzly? Nothing. Not even close.

[RogerRamjet]

I'm a bit disappointed at the way this whole thing has unravelled at the end. The whole curtain pole business has left me with a very nasty taste in my mouth. B&Q wouldn't take it back because they reckoned it had been used. And I thought I had done a reasonable job getting the residue off after my personal investigations in the absence of further instructions. The missing finial was harder to explain. I think it must have got lost when Mrs R slipped whilst doing the hoovering.

 

Anyway I am out of pocket and not happy about it. I tried making some curtains from a bit of left over topside from me Sunday lunch but it really is not attractive, doesn't keep prying eyes out, and is driving my dog mad. Tokyo, that idea was ill conceived so I do not feel inclined to try the suggested kebab/saveloy swags and tails that you seemed to be recommending.

[Tokyo-Saint]

I didn't know you had a dog mate, it does drive them mad, that's why they call it a growler.

 

See what you can do with a flange. If that doesn't work, just cover it with hair, that's what they do in Japan and it seems to work.

[Bearsy]

Book 2: 50 Shades Darker - Chapter 1

 

Two out of three of us are very unhappy. I'm very unhappy. My Inner Goddess is very unhappy. She's comfort eating pringles and strawberry jam. My subconscious though, is loving it. I wish she'd shut up. She's always saying I told you so, I told you he was no good, I said you was too fat - it's your own fault for eating all those ham sandwiches.

 

I'm desperate to hear a friendly voice, so I telephone Jose.

 

"Dos mio?" he says, answering the phone.

 

"Oh Jose, I'm so unhappy, Christian says he's not going to bone me anymore."

 

"Dos mio!"

 

"We had to end things it was too intense! The other day right, he lifted my skirt and he pulled down my pants and bent me over and he was whipping my bum and then he took the handle of the whip and he shoved-"

 

"Dos Mi- wait. What are you wearing?"

 

I can't follow the train of his thought. "Just my pants, I'm about to have a bath."

 

It goes strangely quiet on the other end of the line. "Are you still there Jose?"

 

"Yes," he says, his voice strangely husky. He's obviously very concerned to hear about Christian. At least I've got one true friend. "Tell me more. Was he feeling your boobs?"

 

"Yes, with his left hand he was groping on my boobs, with his right hand he took the whip handle and he shoved it in my sex and he thrust it in and out and in and out and then he was biting on my neck... what's that noise?"

 

"Nothing. I'm just polishing my... my soccer trophies. They're very dirty."

 

"They must be. You're very out of breath."

 

"Then he put it in your bum?"

 

"No. I mean he wanted to, but he never did."

 

"So no-one's raped your bum yet?"

 

"No."

 

"You need to come round here. Now. It's not safe for you to be alone."

 

Oh Jose. I knew I could rely on him. What a good friend. I thought he might be disgruntled about when Christian stopped him raping me but it's good to know we are still best friends forever. "Ok. I'll call for a taxi."

 

"Don't bother. I'll come pick you up."

 

"In your car?"

 

"Yes."

 

"Christian always picked me up in his helicopter."

 

"Dos Mio!"

 

Jose hangs up and I'm alone again. As alone as anyone can be when you've always got an Inner Goddess and Subconscious hanging around. The Inner Goddess is touching herself. "Stop that!" I say, but she just blows a raspberry at me. I'm thinking of having her tested. I'm wondering if it's aspergers.

 

*****************************************************************

 

"Christian's house is much bigger than your house," I observe when we pull up.

 

"Really."

 

"Oh yes, he has got a full size grand piano in his house. Do you have a full size grand piano in your house?"

 

"No."

 

"And in his bathroom he's got two sinks. How many sinks do you have in your bathroom?"

 

"One."

 

I sigh heavily. Jose looks at me with a fierce expression of concern. I've seen that expression on his face once before, I think when we were at Weatherspoons. It makes me think of Christian. "Did I tell you he's got his own aeroplane?"

 

"Yes. Come in. We'll have to go up to the bedroom, the lounge is being fitted out for a swimming pool."

 

He follows me up the stairs. My short skirt is riding up my bum and it reminds me of when Christian was wanting to ride up my bum.

 

"I'll get you a drink," says Jose.

 

"Oh no, I'm fine."

 

"No. You need to have a drink. It'll help you relax."

 

"No honest I'm fine."

 

"Have a ****ing drink!" screams Jose, his eyes bulging madly. Something about the tone of his voice reminds me of Christian and I find myself meek and compliant. "Ok," I say.

 

He comes back with a glass of red wine. "Oh, is that sparkling?"

 

"No, it's a madeira. My grandfather used to work on the vineyard."

 

"But it's fizzing?"

 

"Oh, right. Yes, it's the new sparkling madeira. Try it."

 

I drink it. Absolutely delicious!

 

"You look very tense," says Jose. "I had better rub your shoulders."

 

He rubs them. His hands are still sweaty from polishing his soccer trophies. He's very red in the face and a bit breathless. I shut my eyes and think of Christian.

 

"That's right baby," says Jose soothingly. "Close your eyes. Relax. Let the warm blanket of relaxation envelop you."

 

He unbuttons my shirt so that he can rub my shoulders better, but all I'm thinking about is Christian and I hardly notice. I always feel very safe with Jose. I know I can trust him. Other than the time he tried to rape me, he's always been the perfect gentlemen.

 

"Another thing that annoys me about Christian," I murmur dreamily, "Is how he was always tieing me up, he had me spread-eagled on his bed one time and was licking my sex and there was nothing I could do."

 

"Dos mio!" says Jose sympathetically. "Just forget about him baby. You're safe here. Jose's here. You're feeling very sleepy."

 

"I am." My voice is just a murmur, barely audible.

 

"You can sleep here. Let me help you out of these clothes."

 

I'm so grateful. It's just like when I got drunk and Christian had to undress me. People are so nice. Jose removes my top and unhooks my bra. He pauses for a moment, and then wipes my boobs for me. He removes my skirt, and my pants, accidentally running his finger along the lips of my pussy. "Just sleep baby," says Jose. "Sleep."

 

I'm drifting off, I think I'm dreaming, I'm dreaming Christian is kissing my sex and it feels so real. It's the most vivid dream! He's flipping me over, and I feel something large parting my bum cheeks. "Dos mio!" says Christian in my dream. It seems an odd thing for him to say, but whatever.

 

Suddenly there is a massive crashing noise, and I'm dragged from my dream. I'm facedown on the bed naked. Someone is on top of me. I look across the room and Christian is standing in the doorway! "Christian!" I exclaim. "How did you find me?"

 

"I had a tracker inserted in your vag," he says calmly.

 

"Oh, that explains it." My eyelids are heavy again, and when they close this time they close for good, and I drift off into a long and dreamless slumber. The last thing I hear is my Inner Goddess p!ssing herself. Too much wine.

[Jonnyboy]

 

You should definitely script the "50 Shades: A XXX Parody" version. Send this link as a CV.

[Dibden Purlieu Saint]

Continuing to love this Bearsy. Have you thought about maybe trying to get these published? Be a great stocking filler.

[Bearsy]

Totally! It would be like this:

 

 

In full disclosures I ain't actually read book 2. The review above was just experiment to see if writing the book is less trouble than reading the fvvcking thing. Turns out it is!

[suewhistle]

Haaaaaaaaaaa...

[Jonnyboy]

...ha?

[saintbletch]

Book 2: 50 Shades Darker - Chapter 1

 

Two out of three of us are very unhappy. I'm very unhappy. My Inner Goddess is very unhappy. She's comfort eating pringles and strawberry jam. My subconscious though, is loving it. I wish she'd shut up. She's always saying I told you so, I told you he was no good, I said you was too fat - it's your own fault for eating all those ham sandwiches.

 

I'm desperate to hear a friendly voice, so I telephone Jose.

 

"Dos mio?" he says, answering the phone.

 

"Oh Jose, I'm so unhappy, Christian says he's not going to bone me anymore."

 

"Dos mio!"

 

"We had to end things it was too intense! The other day right, he lifted my skirt and he pulled down my pants and bent me over and he was whipping my bum and then he took the handle of the whip and he shoved-"

 

"Dos Mi- wait. What are you wearing?"

 

I can't follow the train of his thought. "Just my pants, I'm about to have a bath."

 

It goes strangely quiet on the other end of the line. "Are you still there Jose?"

 

"Yes," he says, his voice strangely husky. He's obviously very concerned to hear about Christian. At least I've got one true friend. "Tell me more. Was he feeling your boobs?"

 

"Yes, with his left hand he was groping on my boobs, with his right hand he took the whip handle and he shoved it in my sex and he thrust it in and out and in and out and then he was biting on my neck... what's that noise?"

 

"Nothing. I'm just polishing my... my soccer trophies. They're very dirty."

 

"They must be. You're very out of breath."

 

"Then he put it in your bum?"

 

"No. I mean he wanted to, but he never did."

 

"So no-one's raped your bum yet?"

 

"No."

 

"You need to come round here. Now. It's not safe for you to be alone."

 

Oh Jose. I knew I could rely on him. What a good friend. I thought he might be disgruntled about when Christian stopped him raping me but it's good to know we are still best friends forever. "Ok. I'll call for a taxi."

 

"Don't bother. I'll come pick you up."

 

"In your car?"

 

"Yes."

 

"Christian always picked me up in his helicopter."

 

"Dos Mio!"

 

Jose hangs up and I'm alone again. As alone as anyone can be when you've always got an Inner Goddess and Subconscious hanging around. The Inner Goddess is touching herself. "Stop that!" I say, but she just blows a raspberry at me. I'm thinking of having her tested. I'm wondering if it's aspergers.

 

*****************************************************************

 

"Christian's house is much bigger than your house," I observe when we pull up.

 

"Really."

 

"Oh yes, he has got a full size grand piano in his house. Do you have a full size grand piano in your house?"

 

"No."

 

"And in his bathroom he's got two sinks. How many sinks do you have in your bathroom?"

 

"One."

 

I sigh heavily. Jose looks at me with a fierce expression of concern. I've seen that expression on his face once before, I think when we were at Weatherspoons. It makes me think of Christian. "Did I tell you he's got his own aeroplane?"

 

"Yes. Come in. We'll have to go up to the bedroom, the lounge is being fitted out for a swimming pool."

 

He follows me up the stairs. My short skirt is riding up my bum and it reminds me of when Christian was wanting to ride up my bum.

 

"I'll get you a drink," says Jose.

 

"Oh no, I'm fine."

 

"No. You need to have a drink. It'll help you relax."

 

"No honest I'm fine."

 

"Have a ****ing drink!" screams Jose, his eyes bulging madly. Something about the tone of his voice reminds me of Christian and I find myself meek and compliant. "Ok," I say.

 

He comes back with a glass of red wine. "Oh, is that sparkling?"

 

"No, it's a madeira. My grandfather used to work on the vineyard."

 

"But it's fizzing?"

 

"Oh, right. Yes, it's the new sparkling madeira. Try it."

 

I drink it. Absolutely delicious!

 

"You look very tense," says Jose. "I had better rub your shoulders."

 

He rubs them. His hands are still sweaty from polishing his soccer trophies. He's very red in the face and a bit breathless. I shut my eyes and think of Christian.

 

"That's right baby," says Jose soothingly. "Close your eyes. Relax. Let the warm blanket of relaxation envelop you."

 

He unbuttons my shirt so that he can rub my shoulders better, but all I'm thinking about is Christian and I hardly notice. I always feel very safe with Jose. I know I can trust him. Other than the time he tried to rape me, he's always been the perfect gentlemen.

 

"Another thing that annoys me about Christian," I murmur dreamily, "Is how he was always tieing me up, he had me spread-eagled on his bed one time and was licking my sex and there was nothing I could do."

 

"Dos mio!" says Jose sympathetically. "Just forget about him baby. You're safe here. Jose's here. You're feeling very sleepy."

 

"I am." My voice is just a murmur, barely audible.

 

"You can sleep here. Let me help you out of these clothes."

 

I'm so grateful. It's just like when I got drunk and Christian had to undress me. People are so nice. Jose removes my top and unhooks my bra. He pauses for a moment, and then wipes my boobs for me. He removes my skirt, and my pants, accidentally running his finger along the lips of my pussy. "Just sleep baby," says Jose. "Sleep."

 

I'm drifting off, I think I'm dreaming, I'm dreaming Christian is kissing my sex and it feels so real. It's the most vivid dream! He's flipping me over, and I feel something large parting my bum cheeks. "Dos mio!" says Christian in my dream. It seems an odd thing for him to say, but whatever.

 

Suddenly there is a massive crashing noise, and I'm dragged from my dream. I'm facedown on the bed naked. Someone is on top of me. I look across the room and Christian is standing in the doorway! "Christian!" I exclaim. "How did you find me?"

 

"I had a tracker inserted in your vag," he says calmly.

 

"Oh, that explains it." My eyelids are heavy again, and when they close this time they close for good, and I drift off into a long and dreamless slumber. The last thing I hear is my Inner Goddess p!ssing herself. Too much wine.

 

[Doff's cap]

[dubai_phil]

 

Ain't it that there is laws over there bout boning b!tches at Sterocvvntic concerts? It's the main reason I've never been to Dubai!

 

Oops sorry Bearsy been away from this thread for a week as once I had got over my hangover I needed to live in the real world.

 

you are actually totally right, but in fact it's even TOUGHER than a no boning in the beach rule. There is a no doing NOTHING rule.

 

No holding hands in publics, certainlly no kissing (not even on the cheeks French BFFF style) and certainly no huggings - not even your old long lost bestest mates.

 

Nope, you can't do nuffinks.

 

But...

 

I have heard "oft related tales" that b1tches of a specific (need to be PC here) not bothered by bloke on a cross" PoV and "from a magic kingdom not very far away" hold very strong beliefs about "becoming wedded in a condition the same as Anastasia at the beginning of the book". However, the "legend' says that while staying in this condition, when they are outside the Magic Kingdom they are not adverse to a great deal of boning.

 

Make of that what you will...

 

Just to let everyone know, these books STILL make up the main window displays in bookshops in Budapest AND Munich.

 

It is now clear that it is Bearsy's DUTY to seek to have the full works of his Opus published under the title Why Blokes need to understand 50 Shades or something. It is not just the TSW Dudes who need to be enlightened, there is a whole planetary population of Dudes out there WHO NEED TO KNOW THIS STUFF.

 

The world has truly changed. No more equality, what B1tches want is to be told things like "If you don't make my dinner and fix me a drink I WON'T Spank you with a JRod later"

[Johnny Shearer]

Bearsy, I took a girl out the other week.

 

We went to a lounge bar unlike Saint Garrett who ended up in Platform Tavern having drinks with his 'friend', who happened to be a girl.

 

Anyhows, she got the drinks in and topic got round to 50 Shades of Grey. She has read the triology whereas I have read your review of the first book, she liked my re-telling of the story because I asked her if she thought Anastasia was a porker and she had to think for awhile before admitting that she Anastasia was most likely one.

 

This girl mentioned she read her book whilst on holiday and that was the norm. Firstly if you're going on holiday why the f**k waste it by sitting on a beach and reading a book. It may be a dirty book, but its still a book. Anyway I said the only good thing was Grey getting his GIGGIDY on and girls loving all that. She agreed, however she then told me what happens in books 2 and 3. I wasn't pleased at all.

 

I don't want to spoil it for you so won't say much but FFS and she didn't even mention any bumming. I'm thinking do I want to see this girl again? She did buy some drinks but there was no happy ending on the first date.

 

What should I do?

[Bearsy]

Sounds like you laid a number of floaters there Johnny.

 

a) Christan Grey would never let his b!tch buy the drinks. It's emasculating, she's sposed to feel in your debt and you're sposed to be in charge of how much alcohol and roofies she is consuming

2) It sounds like you let her do entirely too much talking. B!tches will talk all night if you let them. You should be openly yawning, looking at your watch, criticising her grammars until you're finally dominating the conversation talking entirely bout how great you are.

d) Did you even remember to make her think her friends want to bone you?

iii) Her Inner Goddess is strong. It must be if she read all 3 books. There is really no excuse for not getting some, I wonder if perhaps you done something dumb like saying "Do you fancy coming back to mine?". Never ask yes/no questions like that! You should be teaching her to follow simple instructions, "Drink this," rather than "Do you want a drink?", "Get in," rather than "Do you want a lift home?". I've got 100% success rate with my new line for getting phone numbers since reading 50 Shades, I just have my phone out and I'm like, "What is your number." I used to be like "Can I get your number?" but that gives them opportunity to make a simple "No." It is a matter of finest distinction.

 

It is not too late to save the situation. Turn up at her place of work. Buy curtain pole and lube. If she asks how you found her a simple manly "I tracked ur phone" is best.

Edited 18 November, 2012 by Bearsy

[Johnny Shearer]

Sounds like you laid a number of floaters there Johnny.

 

a) Christan Grey would never let his b!tch buy the drinks. It's emasculating, she's sposed to feel in your debt and you're sposed to be in charge of how much alcohol and roofies she is consuming

2) It sounds like you let her do entirely too much talking. B!tches will talk all night if you let them. You should be openly yawning, looking at your watch, criticising her grammars until you're finally dominating the conversation talking entirely bout how great you are.

d) Did you even remember to make her think her friends want to bone you?

iii) Her Inner Goddess is strong. It must be if she read all 3 books. There is really no excuse for not getting some, I wonder if perhaps you done something dumb like saying "Do you fancy coming back to mine?". Never ask yes/no questions like that! You should be teaching her to follow simple instructions, "Drink this," rather than "Do you want a drink?", "Get in," rather than "Do you want a lift home?". I've got 100% success rate with my new line for getting phone numbers since reading 50 Shades, I just have my phone out and I'm like, "What is your number." I used to be like "Can I get your number?" but that gives them opportunity to make a simple "No." It is a matter of finest distinction.

 

It is not too late to save the situation. Turn up at her place of work. Buy curtain pole and lube. If she asks how you found her a simple manly "I tracked ur phone" is best.

 

Thanks Bearsy, I will try this tactic.

 

You say I shouldn't let the b!atchs buy the drinks but it does save money...........however that is a sign of things to come in books 2 and 3 of the Shades series..............

[Bearsy]

Book 2: 50 Shades Darker - Chapter 2

 

I wake up and find I'm in the rape cell of Christian's house. I can't remember how I got here. I think really hard but sometimes it's difficult without using my brain. There is a strange sensation in my head. It's like pain. Is this what people call a headache? In all my 21 years I've never had a headache before. I always wondered what people was going on about when they said they had headaches. I asked my Dad once, how come I never get headaches dad? He said an unused chisel never blunts. Whatever that means.

 

My Inner Goddess is here. She's on the other side of the room, by the manacles. As I watch she reaches down to her bumhole, roots inside a bit and then slowly lifts her hand to her mouth and licks her fingers. I wish she'd stop doing that. It's making me hungry.

 

The Subconscious is here too. "You're a dumb fvvck," she says. I dunno if she's talking to me or the Inner Goddess. What did I do? "He's left you a note," she adds, pointing at the set of drawers where Christian keeps his scalpels.

 

It's a note from Christian!

 

MISS STEELE

 

I AM AT WORK. DO NOT CALL ME. I AM BUSY.

 

DOCTOR SAVILE IS COMING TO SEE YOU.

 

THERE IS A TOOTHBRUSH FOR YOU BESIDE THIS NOTE. DO NOT USE MY TOOTHBRUSH. EVER.

 

CHRISTIAN

 

I give an immediate gasp of horror! No x's! What does this mean? Is he angry with me? Doesn't he love me anymore? I find my cell phone and call his number.

 

"Yes," he says.

 

"Christian? It's me."

 

"Who dammit."

 

"Ana."

 

"Oh for fvvcks sake. What is it?"

 

"Erm. How are you doing?"

 

There's a long pause. "I'm very busy."

 

What does that mean! Why does he always have to talk in riddles. Teasing, teasing man!

 

"I'm going to go to use the bathroom in a minute."

 

"Fine," he says and hangs up. Just that, "Fine". No interest, he doesn't ask me if it's number one or number two or anything. (It's number two).

 

I head for the bathroom. He has two sinks in his bathroom. I think it's one of the best things about him. I remember dimly something about Jose but I can't quite make it out. I realise I left my new new toothbrush on the chest of drawers but it seems a lot of trouble to go back and get it, so I just use Christian's.

 

***********************************************************************

 

Doctor Savile comes when I'm just finishing my dump. I don't even have time to wipe. I dress quickly in Christian's underpants, Christian's socks, Christian's trousers and Christian's best shirt. They baseball one signed by Babe Ruth he has hanging on the wall. I have to smash the glass to get it out, and it gets a small tear on the sleeve. It doesn't matter, I'm only going to wear it indoors.

 

Doctor Savile is smoking his big cigar. "Now then, now then my lovely. I hear you're a bit under the weather. Had a little visit from our old friend Mr. Roofie last night is it?"

 

I don't know what he's on about. Probably the Babe Ruth shirt I'm wearing. "No, I'm ok. Just got a bit of a headache."

 

"Now then, now then. Headache is it my lovely. I'd better have a look. Pop your clothes off."

 

I take off Christian's shirt, and Christian's trousers, and Christian's underpants, and Christian's socks and dump them in a pile in the floor.

 

Doctor Savile comes over and carries out a very thorough examination. It's good to be in the hands of a top medical professional, he should be able to get to the bottom of my headache.

 

He does in fact immediately head for the bottom. "Now then, now then. Bend over," he says. I kind of wish I'd wiped now. It's probably a bit rude. I try to clench my bum to suck up the smell but it backfires and I let off a small parp in his face. His cigar blazes briefly like a chinese lantern.

 

"Oh I'm sorry," I say but Doctor Savile does not seem bothered. He moves his face closer to my bum and sniffs deeply. "Now then, now then I'd better take your temperature. Shut your eyes."

 

I close my eyes and hear the zip of Doctor Savile taking his thermometer out of it's case. "It's quite a large one," he says. He slides it roughly into my bum. He's gone to the trouble of warming it to body temperature. That shows what a good Doctor he is. You don't get that sort of service at the public hospitals.

 

"Can't get a good reading," he grunts and slides it in and out a few times. I'm in some discomfort at this point, but I grit my teeth and bear it. "Got to get deeper," he hisses in my ear and I give out an involuntary gasp of pain.

 

Suddenly he gives a howl of anguish and I feel warm liquid wash inside my seething anal passage. Oh no! The thermometer must have broken! Will Christian still want my bum when he finds out it's full of broken glass and mercury?

 

"You dumb fvvck," says the Subconscious standing by the doorway, holding my Inner Goddess in a resolute headlock.

 

Why is she always so mean?

[Cascadia Saint]

He does in fact immediately head for the bottom. "Now then, now then. Bend over," he says. I kind of wish I'd wiped now. It's probably a bit rude. I try to clench my bum to suck up the smell but it backfires and I let off a small parp in his face. His cigar blazes briefly like a chinese lantern.

 

Pure genius. And poetic to the last.

 

And bravo for the whole epic enterprise.... bravo.

[dubai_phil]

I let off a small parp in his face. His cigar blazes briefly like a chinese lantern.

 

[Bearsy]

[Bearsy]

Book 2: 50 Shades Darker - Chapter 3

 

There seems to be something wrong with Christian's phone. I've called it 57 times in the last twenty minutes but it just rings once or twice and then goes to answerphone. That must be very annoying for him! I know how important his phone is for doing work. In the end I leave a message. "Oh hi Christian... how are you?"

 

I hang up the phone and then I feel a bit bad about my message. It seems incomplete. I ring back and leave another message, "It's me, Ana."

 

I ring one more time to make sure. "Anastasia Steele."

 

One thing I notice about Christian's house is he doesn't have any photos lying around. It takes me ages to find them. He keeps a small photo album in a secret compartment beneath the floorboards under the grand piano which I have to accidentally move out the way.

 

On the front of the photo album he's written "Christian's Diary of Dead Skanks". Cryptic! Probably some kind of code! Inside there is 49 photos of 49 different girls. Who are these b!tches! I wonder to myself. He obviously likes them because he's marked out each photo with a big red cross, like a kiss from a text message.

 

My Subconscious is looking at the pictures over my shoulder. "You thinking what I'm thinking?" she says.

 

"Oh yes," I reply sadly. "They're all much thinner than me."

 

My Subconscious doesn't look happy. She's gone a bit pale. If I didn't know better I'd say she was frightened. "I think we should get out of here," she says. I know what she means. Although me and Christian are deeply in love forever, we only agreed last week that we shouldn't go out no more cos I don't like being arse raped. I sigh deeply. The pain of arse raping is bad, but is it worse than having to use a bathroom with only one sink in it, or having to fly economy class with poor people?

 

I'm debating bout what to do but it's too late! I hear the door go and Christian walks in!

 

"What the fvvck are you wearing?" he says immediately. "And where the fvvck did you get that photo album!"

 

"Oh it was just lying around." I watch him nervously as he looks round the room, at the moved piano, emptied out cupboards, upturned plant pots and so on. I don't think he suspects anything though. "What day does the housekeeper come?" I say innocently. "I've noticed it's a bit more messy in here than normal."

 

"Come to the rape room," he growls. That's a relief. I was worried he might be angry. I think we're gonna make love!

 

*****************************************************

 

"There's a story behind that shirt you're wearing," says Christian as we walk into the rape room.

 

"Oh yes?"

 

"It belonged to Babe Ruth. It hasn't been worn since he hit the winning home run in the 1928 World Series. It cost me two hundred thousand dollars."

 

"That's nice," I say politely. I lift it up over my head and toss it into the corner. He gives a loud howl. Probably excited to see my boobs.

 

He then kind of slips and accidentally punches me full in the face. I fall over onto my hands and knees. He lifts me and frogmarches me over to the wall manacles. He strips off my clothes and then manacles my wrists to the wall. Then he lifts my legs and shackles them to my wrists so I'm hanging from the wall doubled up with my bum pointing into the room. It's not all that comfortable, if I'm honest.

 

Christian runs across to the armoury and starts browsing through his stuff. There's a small dildo, that might not be so bad. Then a wine bottle. That'd be ok. I am a bit thirsty. Then he gives a wicked smile and picks up a baseball bat. This is no time to be playing baseball!

 

My Subconscious is looking a bit faint. "I think I'll wait outside," she says.

 

I don't know what the largest thing you've had shoved up your bumhole is. Until now I ain't had nothing larger up there than Dr. Savile's thermometer. "Alright Babe Ruth, so you want to play baseball?" he says. I smile to myself. He just called me babe!

 

He shoves the handle end of the baseball bat up my bumhole. It's really up there! I mean right a long way!

 

"Take a practice swing," he says. I do my best, waving my bum side to side so the thick end of the bat flaps about a bit. To be honest I don't watch much sports, but I'm fairly sure this is how the Yankees do it.

 

Christian starts pitching things at the bat and I try my best to hit them. It ain't as easy as it looks on tv, and to be honest when I actually hit something the additional bumhole pain from the smack outweighs the pleasure of my triumph.

 

It takes a couple of hours before I finally hit a home run. I'm exhausted. Christian too, "I'm going to bed," he says.

 

"Christian!" I call after him as he stalks out the room. "Christian! Can't you take the bat out first please?"

[Saint in Paradise]

Now a spoof, Fifty Sheds Of Grey, offers a treat for the men. The book has

author Colin Grey recounting his love encounters at the bottom of the

garden. Here are some extracts...

 

Fifty Sheds Of Grey

 

We tried various positions – round the back, on the side, up against a

wall...

but in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the garden was the

only place for a good shed.

 

 

She stood before me, trembling in my shed.

“I’m yours for the night,” she gasped, “You can do whatever you want with

me.”

So I took her to B & Q.

 

 

She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then

harder until finally it came.

I moaned with pleasure. Now for the other boot.

 

 

Ever since she read THAT book, I’ve had to buy all kinds of ropes, chains

and shackles.

She still manages to get into the shed, though.

 

 

“Put on this rubber suit and mask,” I instructed, calmly.

“Mmmm, kinky!” she purred.

“Yes,” I said, “You can’t be too careful with all that asbestos in the shed

roof.”

 

“I’m a very naughty girl,” she said, biting her lip. “I need to be

punished.”

So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.

 

 

“Harder!” she cried, gripping the workbench tightly. “Harder!”

“Okay,” I said. “What’s the gross national product of Nicaragua?”

 

 

I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window.

Despite my concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a treat.

 

 

“Are you sure you can take the pain?” she demanded, brandishing stilettos.

“I think so,” I gulped. “Here we go, then,” she said, and showed me the

receipt.

 

 

“Hurt me!” she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench.

“Very well,” I replied. “You’ve got fat ankles and no dress sense.”

 

 

“Are you sure you want this?” I asked. “When I’m done, you won’t be able to

sit down for weeks.”

She nodded.

“Okay,” I said, putting the three-piece suite on eBay.

 

“Punish me!” she cried. “Make me suffer like only a real man can!”

“Very well,” I replied, leaving the toilet seat up.

 

 

“Pleasure and pain can be experienced simultaneously,” she said, gently

massaging my back as we listened to her Coldplay CD.

[notnowcato]

Bearsy :toppa: I've thoroughly enjoyed your adaptation thus far but Chapter 3 has taken it to a different level.

 

Thanks for the lulz.

[benjii]

Bearsy.... Genius. Thank you.

 

[Tokyo-Saint]

Just read chapter 3 review for the first time....

 

Bear, are you sure you are still reading this book or is your subconscious just free styling now?

[Bearsy]

Oh hi tokyos! Nah I ain't read the second book at all. The reviews of first book was all legit but I've just been making sh!t up for the last few chapters... I was wondering if anyone would notice!

 

I'll buy a copy of book two sometime and we can find out if E.L.James version is any different than mine. I reckon it'll be much the same tho.

[Tokyo-Saint]

Yeah no point really, if she didnt put the same as you, she'll probably wish she had of.

[Bearsy]

Book 2: 50 Shades Darker - Chapter 4

 

After spending the night shackled to the wall of Christian's rape room with a 2 pound baseball bat hanging out my bumhole, I'm starting to question our relationship. Am I good enough for him? He's so rich and clever and experienced - in all my 21 years I'd never even heard of playing bum baseball, let alone thought that people would do it for fun. He deserves someone better than me, someone who can hit a curve ball.

 

Nonetheless when the door opens my heart skips a beat and my Inner Goddess claps her hands because we're both so excited to see Christian, but it's just the boring old house-maid. It's a bit awkward to be honest, what with being shackled to the wall with wooden bats hanging out my arse. She don't seem bothered though, she just glances at me and shakes her head sadly and sighs, "Dos mio... not again!" I'm not sure what she means by that. I don't speak Spanish.

 

"Oh hi!" I say, waving my bum bat in greeting. "Could you let me down please?"

 

"Dos mio, you stupid girl! How you let him do this to you?"

 

I have a little lol to myself at her poor English. She's pretty old and pretty fat and pretty much not pretty. No competition at all! At least there's one woman in the world I don't have to worry bout stealing my Christian.

 

After she lets me down I have a look around for Christian but I can't find him anywhere. Must of buggered off to work or something, so I call Jose to come pick me up.

 

"Dos mio?" he says.

 

"Oh hi Jose, come pick me up from Christian's."

 

"I'm at hospital, my father, he has heart attack."

 

"Which hospital?"

 

"St. Clares."

 

"Oh no!" That's all the way over the other side of town. "Well, quick as you can then."

 

He turns up eventually. I find it completely impossible to sit with my sore bum, so I lay face face down on the back seats. Jose seems a bit put out. "I wanted some of that sweet ass, now is ruined," he says mournfully.

 

When I get home Kate is pumping iron, I can see the sweat glisten on her shaved head. She's taken to smoking cigars, and wearing combat trousers and tank tops. "Alright darling?" she says, her deep voice making the cutlery rattle. "Let's have a look at this bumhole." She massages it for a bit, and finding it sore she licks on it to make it better. "Men!" she says in disgust when she sees how torn up it is. "You wouldn't have this problem if you went with girls."

 

"Hahaha!" I laugh. The very idea! Nothing against lesbians, I don't know any personally but I'm sure they're nice people or whatever, it's just not for me. I know Kate feels the same, I can hear her mmm-ing with agreement as she licks my pussy.

 

I realise now that I ain't seen my subconscious around for a while. It's weird, she's always here ragging me for one dumb thing or the other. Suddenly she comes bursting into the room. She's bugging out! She looks at me wildly, "Ana, hide me!"

 

"What? What's going on?"

 

She looks dumbly at her hands in the dazed, canine fashion that I look at books. I see now they're dripping with blood. "I've killed Christian," she says.

 

Oh my God!

[Bearsy]

Ooooh exciting plot twist! I didn't see that coming!

[Wibble]

I'm thinking of printing out the reviews from book 1 as a Secret Santa gift as some bright spark in my office decided that this year we are going with things that don't cost anything.

 

How do I stand on copyright issues?

 

It's either this or the free Tena Lady sample that came through the door.

[Bearsy]

That's cool wibble I'll give you exclusive licenses cos according to my records ur a hot saintsweb naughty with strong interests in BDSM.

 

Doing a free secret santa is lame tho! Here is used apple core I found in bin! Here is a picture i drew of my nan! Here is a free look at my boobs! Actually that last one is ok!

[dubai_phil]

That's cool wibble I'll give you exclusive licenses cos according to my records ur a hot saintsweb naughty with strong interests in BDSM.

 

Doing a free secret santa is lame tho! Here is used apple core I found in bin! Here is a picture i drew of my nan! Here is a free look at my boobs! Actually that last one is ok!

 

You have boobs Bearsy?

 

Surely this plot twist takes this whole thread to a completely different level.

[Bearsy]

I've been spending too much time reading chick lit phil. It was bound to happen eventually.

[Itchen_block4]

What happens next? Do tell! BTW, this Kate who is licking out porky retard, Is this the same Kate who was boshing Christian's brother in book 1?

[Bearsy]

Yeah that's Katherine "Kate" Kavenagh, I've took some liberties with her character, she weren't quite so lesbian in book 1.

 

I'll probably do another chapter at the weekend - it's gonna be a bit tricky i reckon cos I've wrote myself into a corner having wholly imaginary characters going round doing murders. That's gonna take some explaining!

[Wibble]

That's gonna call for the classic get out of any scenario "dream scene"

[Bearsy]

Oh hi wibble. You should post more often wibble I'm trying to groom you as my Saintsweb girlfriend but it's difficult if you only post once a week.

 

In other news I really like that dumb top or whatever you're wearing. It really brings out your eyes or whatever!