saintbletch Posted 2 November, 2012 Share Posted 2 November, 2012 Cum on your rectum? It's a lovely offer CB Saint, but I'm going to have to blow you out on this one. COYS - cum on your shitter Have I? Oh, how embarrassing. If CB Saint had had his way, it would have been his pearlescent, people-progenitor. Actually, on closer inspection it turned out to be the remains of SuperMikey's scrambled Nutella eggs. Good tip SuperMikey by the way. Would just like to say that Bletch used 'advise' instead of 'advice' in the lounge, in 'numpty' thread. For me, this is the most interesting thing about this book. However, I do appreciate Bearsy's efforts, it is a piece of work in its own right. An Opus. A Magnum. An I scream. Good work Furry! Did I? I am mortified tpbury. Not only have I let myself down, I've let all of you down. And thanks for following recognised protocol by reporting it in a random thread in The Muppet Show and embedding it in another paragraph to which it seems unrelated. I think I should make it clear that my intellectual, language-obsessed alter ego is reserved for The Muppet Show only. Outside of The Muppet Show I'm just some wishy-washy nobody. In The Muppet Show I have a voice and am respected by all. What happens in The Muppet Show stays in The Muppet Show tpbury. Also, you went on to say that my heinous error in The Lounge is the most interesting thing about this book. The bear's magnificent octopus aside, I don't follow your train of thought tpbury. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tpbury Posted 2 November, 2012 Share Posted 2 November, 2012 I fnd a misplaced sibilant far more interesting than the book - as I already said, I have been swiftly able to identify filth in a wide range of literature from an early age. This book failed the 'two minute' test, as such p issi ng around talking about language is more interesting than the book. However, not more interesting than Bears review. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PhilippineSaint Posted 2 November, 2012 Share Posted 2 November, 2012 Has Bear actually read the book or is he just guessing what happens ?? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notnowcato Posted 2 November, 2012 Share Posted 2 November, 2012 (edited) Has Bear actually read the book or is he just guessing what happens ?? Sounds like you wish to be tasked with investigatings the Bearsy Investigates series. Could be earth shattering if found that Bearsy kept all these hungry, ccok-in-hand gays waiting on his chapter reviews that he in fact did a Blair and just made the shit up. ((Good shit though) Bearsy's not Blair's..) Edited 2 November, 2012 by notnowcato Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wade Garrett Posted 2 November, 2012 Share Posted 2 November, 2012 Bearsy, have you got round to the bit where the vicar explains the potato stuck up his arse by saying he 'fell on it while putting curtains up' yet? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Saint in Paradise Posted 2 November, 2012 Share Posted 2 November, 2012 Hey Bearsy hurry up there are another 3 books to review The new Fifty Shades: Latest mummy porn trilogy by American author Sylvia Day is even more sexually explicit than 50 shades selling 1m copies in UK in 3 months Sylvia Day's Crossfire trilogy sells 1m copies in three months Only J.K Rowling and Dan Brown have had better first week sales Fans say it is 'better written' than the Fifty Shades trilogy http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2226840/Sylvia-Days-Crossfire-trilogy-set-new-50-Shades-Grey.html . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
suewhistle Posted 3 November, 2012 Share Posted 3 November, 2012 This book failed the 'two minute' test, as such p issi ng around talking about language is more interesting than the book. However, not more interesting than Bears review. Indeed! As an English teacher I suppose I could encourage students to critique this book, but I fear Bearsy has said it all and they'd only visit here and then plagiarise: the curse of modern academia. Sylvia Day's Crossfire trilogy sells 1m copies in three months Fans say it is 'better written' than the Fifty Shades trilogy That's a relief then. I must say that this thread has given me cause to chuckle, nay cackle, out loud on more than one occasion. If Bearsy really were as sexist as his writing I don't think we'd have a long conversation... What's more worrying is the interest in sodomy: but surely you've all got mates? :-) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bearsy Posted 3 November, 2012 Author Share Posted 3 November, 2012 50 Shades of Grey: Chapter 21 I am Christian Grey. The day gets off to a bad start, I wander into my private bathroom and find the virgin has used MY toothbrush again. This makes me mad! I'm tempted to go to her cell and drag her by the hair and shove it up her dumb vag, but that would be counter-productive. I'm not made of toothbrushes. I go to my private study and get on with some work. I'm a very busy man! I've got a big deal going down in Darfur that I've got to keep on top of. Also I've got to chat to Ros about the prototype. I'm distracted though, I can hear voices from the hall. Oh no, the b!tch is awake! I can hear her chatting to the housekeeper, she's asking where I am. Tell her I'm out, tell her I'm out! I repeat to myself fervently, but the dumb housekeeper don't listen, she tells her I'm in here. Fvvck! Why is there no lock on this door! She comes in my office. I notice instantly she's wearing MY t-shirt! It's all stretched out over her fat gut. It's probably ruined. She's got that look in her eye. They one where she's chatting internally to her Inner Goddess and also her subconscious. I wish the three of them would fvvck off. They're doing my head in! I gesture to the phone, to make it clear that I'm fvvcking busy, but she don't get the hint, she just stands their gawping at me with that dumb, bovine expression on her face. FFS. I finish my call with Ros, and then steel myself for another tedious conversation with the virgin. I ask her why she's bothering me, I'm trying to work. "I just came to say hi before I had a shower." FFS! Can't she see how busy I am? She's now talking about going to Georgia to see her mum. I'm all for this! I offer her my private jet, but her Inner Goddess objects. Either way. As long as she fvvcks off I'm happy. She don't though, even though I'm dropping hints. "I thought you were going to have a shower?" I say. Instead she comes over and tries to kiss on me. Ugh. Morning breath. I flip her over and fvvck her over my desk. Maybe that will shut her up. "Are you sore?" I say, thinking of the sex balls. "Yes", she says. Good. She still don't fvvck off. She's looking at me funny. "What's wrong?" she says. Oh, FFS. I hate it when b!tches start with this! If you ain't flirting on them for five minutes they start getting all weird about it. Do I have to be doting on her the whole fvvcking time? Ain't I allowed any time for myself? "You're being weird," she says. Oh right yeah, I'm the weird one. Not the 21 year old virgin, who's never used a computer. I finally get rid of her and have my house and toothbrush to myself. Barely an hour goes by though and she's emailing me, asking if I'm knobbing my housekeeper. Where did that come from! Is the housekeeper up for it? She's HOT! I'd definitely be up for a go on that! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dubai_phil Posted 3 November, 2012 Share Posted 3 November, 2012 Careful Bearsy, you keep up this new trend you'll need to hire an agent 'cos your version would sell a helluva lot more than the original Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bearsy Posted 3 November, 2012 Author Share Posted 3 November, 2012 Hi Phil! That was an especially boring chapter so I thought I'd provide some perspective on what Christian Grey is thinking. It's all there in the subtext but it's p!ssing me off how the dumb b!tch ain't picking up on it. It's obvious that every time he fvvcks her he's thinking of his dead crack-whore mum! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
suewhistle Posted 3 November, 2012 Share Posted 3 November, 2012 It's all there in the subtext but That's what I tell my students but that's as far as I go... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bearsy Posted 4 November, 2012 Author Share Posted 4 November, 2012 50 Shades of Grey: Chapter 22 Anastasia is really annoyed with Christian Grey. When she got on her plane just now to go visit her mum, she found he'd upgraded her ticket to first class. The bastard! She immediately sends him an email mugging him off, and he replies "Fine. Next time you'll be bound and gagged in the cargo hold." We've already learned b!tch has no sense of humour. She ain't even familiar with the concept. She emails him back, "Are you serious???". Lols. I like to imagine Christian Grey in his business meeting or whatever, face-palming when he gets that one. B!tch is so dumb! It turns out dumb b!tchery is genetic cos Anastasia's mum is every bit as bad. Here are her thoughts on the difference between men and women: "Men think that anything that comes out a woman's mouth is a problem to be solved. Not some vague idea we'd like to kick around and talk about for a while and then forget." There maybe some truth in this. Basically she's saying b!tches like to moan. What she's saying is if a b!tch is moaning bout the milk in the fridge is gone off, she don't want me to get fresh milk. She wants to talk bout spoiled milk for an hour and how annoying it is, and then forget all about it. Till tomorrow when b!tch is amazed to discover milk is still off and we can have the same dumb conversation again. B!tches is mental. There is pages and pages of nothing happening in Georgia. Here is a sample: "I am in my blue halter-neck tankini, sipping a Diet Coke on a sunbed facing the Atlantic Ocean, and to think that only yesterday I was staring out towards the Pacific. My mother lounges beside me wearing a large sun hat and sunglasses. She is also sipping a Coke." Rivetting stuff. Nice product placement too. I think I mentioned before that Christan Grey's first sexual partner was a friend of his mums. We don't know much bout this person, Anastasia has been calling her "Mrs. Robinson", I've been calling him "Mr. Savile". Christian is now emailing that he went out to dinner with him/her last night. B!tch is flipping the fvvck out at this informations, even though she blatantly went out for drinks with Jose last week. Double standards. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SuperMikey Posted 4 November, 2012 Share Posted 4 November, 2012 I would like to join the mutual circle-jerk and tell you that these chapter reviews are great, Bearsy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bearsy Posted 4 November, 2012 Author Share Posted 4 November, 2012 Cheers Mikey. Most people ejaculated roundabout chapter 8, it's noticeable the only people still here is the perverts and weirdos, patiently waiting on anal. I'm starting to worry to be honest. There's only four chapters left. I'm starting to worry b!tch ain't gonna get bummed! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bearsy Posted 4 November, 2012 Author Share Posted 4 November, 2012 (edited) 50 Shades of Grey: Chapter 23 So Christian Grey is turning up in Georgia unexpected. He is announcing his arrival in traditional stalker fashion by sending her text messages like "Don't you think you've had enough to drink?" and "That burger will go straight to your butt!". He rocks up at this bar where Anastasia is out with her mum. You can tell her mum is wet for him. Even Anastasia is noticing, and she don't hardly notice anything. The mum immediately offers him a drink, he orders "A gin and tonic, Hendricks if they have it or if not Bombay Sapphire. Cucumber with the Hendricks, lime with the Bombay Sapphire." That'll learn her! If someone was giving me a complicated drinks order like that I'd be like "Yo! Get it your fvvcking self!" The mum is excusing herself to the toilets, probably to flick herself off in a cubical. Anastasia Steele, toilet monitor, is like "Yo mum, ain't you just been?". Bad manners. This is giving Anastasia the opportunity to moan on him for going out to dinner with the paedo who knobbed him when he was 15. She is openly calling this dude a paedophile rapist, but Christian ain't having it. "I got exactly what I needed. It was good for me." In these straightened times, it's comforting to know that paedos can call on popular literature to construct their legal defence. She is then going back to his hotel room. The boning they do now is quite lols! I've re-written it a bit so you don't have to hear what Anastasia and her Inner Goddess has to say bout it, but the events are exactly as depicted: ************************************* Christian Grey strips Anastasia naked in his hotel bathroom. He gets down on his knees and peers enquiringly at the loose thatch of her pussy. He makes a small quizzical noise and cocks his head to one side, like a dog having it's temperature taken. Peculiar. There is a thing hanging out of Anastasia's vagina. It looks like a rat's tail. He reaches up cautiously, and tugs on it experimentally. It's stuck. He pulls a bit harder. Suddenly it shifts, and with a slick, squelching noise it pops from her vagina and splats on his forehead, sticking there wetly before slowly, horrifically, sliding down his face and caressing his lips. Ugh. A tampon. Christian tugs it free from his face, and casually flings it across the room, scoring 3 points in the corner wastebasket. "When did you start your period, Anastasia?" "Yesterday." This is a delicate moment. There comes a point in a man's life when he is challenged by circumstance, when fate has presented an opportunity for him to test his manhood, to discover if he is a brave titan or a squeemish and craven mouse. For many men of distant generations these challenges came in times of war. The whistle came and a man stood shoulder to shoulder with his brothers and sought the fortitude to climb the ladders and enter the fray. Christian's time has come now. Can he find the resolve, the strength of spirit to get his pee-pee covered in vaginal blood? He can! He grinds into her, biting his lip and trying desperately to ignore the sticky blood enveloping his manhood. He cries out in anguish, but he drives on, smashing his knob into her period gunk and unfertilised egg detrius. "Arrrrghh!" he comes with a thunder, like a cannon of war. "I'm bleeding," observes Anastasia stupidly. No sh!t. Edited 4 November, 2012 by Bearsy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CB Saint Posted 4 November, 2012 Share Posted 4 November, 2012 Two chapters in a night? Results show of x factor boring you? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CB Saint Posted 4 November, 2012 Share Posted 4 November, 2012 Cheers Mikey. Most people ejaculated roundabout chapter 8, it's noticeable the only people still here is the perverts and weirdos, patiently waiting on anal. I'm starting to worry to be honest. There's only four chapters left. I'm starting to worry b!tch ain't gonna get bummed! Apparently it happens halfway through book three Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bearsy Posted 4 November, 2012 Author Share Posted 4 November, 2012 Apparently it happens halfway through book three W-wait... you're yanking my chain right? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RonManager Posted 4 November, 2012 Share Posted 4 November, 2012 W-wait... you're yanking my chain right? Book 3................... of Volume 10.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seaford Saint Posted 5 November, 2012 Share Posted 5 November, 2012 You mean Bearsy has read the whole book and he won't get to that bit? Bearsy, I hope you can overcome your disappointment. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tokyo-Saint Posted 5 November, 2012 Share Posted 5 November, 2012 It's not going to happen is it? I can't see a movie being commissioned where the final climactic scene of the film is the Bridget Jones like star being done up the arse. What happens, after he chunks his dunk the titles come down? Directed by Sam Mendes and starring Keira Knightley? I've seen these types of films but just with different stars and director. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tokyo-Saint Posted 5 November, 2012 Share Posted 5 November, 2012 (edited) I could be wrong though, the trailer makes it look like one boring long Audi/Christian Dior advert that only Turkish would enjoy, that is until 1:40 in.... Edit - lols - Just seen the youtube cover page for this film.... not sure if infractions are coming my way. Maybe was able to take it down in time. If you want to see it go to youtube and search 50 shades of grey. Not bad at all but dum mods might not like it as it shows a nice arse and a bit of side boob. Is that counted at pornographic dumb mods? It is rated R.... Is the muppet show rated R as well? Obviously it is not rated X or dog would still be posting but is R ok? If so I will repost nice bit or arse and side boob on official trailer. 2nd edit - Having read the rules decided to post it. It is not pornographic, bear's review proves that! Most of it is talking about boring bird stuff. plus the video is on youtube and you don't have to be 18 to view it. It is the official trailer and like the book's reputation, it oversells the sexiness. See you in court mods, I've got google behind me! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5hlWohB921M Edited 5 November, 2012 by Tokyo-Saint side boob so had to delete the video - 2nd edit posted the video, although the cover pic looks slighly porn like, it isn't Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PhilippineSaint Posted 5 November, 2012 Share Posted 5 November, 2012 I could be wrong though, the trailer makes it look like one boring long Audi/Christian Dior advert that only Turkish would enjoy, that is until 1:40 in.... Edit - lols - Just seen the youtube cover page for this film.... not sure if infractions are coming my way. Maybe was able to take it down in time. If you want to see it go to youtube and search 50 shades of grey. Not bad at all but dum mods might not like it as it shows a nice arse and a bit of side boob. Is that counted at pornographic dumb mods? It is rated R.... Is the muppet show rated R as well? Obviously it is not rated X or dog would still be posting but is R ok? If so I will repost nice bit or arse and side boob on official trailer. 2nd edit - Having read the rules decided to post it. It is not pornographic, bear's review proves that! Most of it is talking about boring bird stuff. plus the video is on youtube and you don't have to be 18 to view it. It is the official trailer and like the book's reputation, it oversells the sexiness. See you in court mods, I've got google behind me! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5hlWohB921M Looks like the actress has had a lot of photoshopping done if she is really as big a tub of lard as Bearsy is quoting or its been miscast for hollywood IE like an Australian playing William Wallace Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dubai_phil Posted 5 November, 2012 Share Posted 5 November, 2012 I could be wrong though, the trailer makes it look like one boring long Audi/Christian Dior advert that only Turkish would enjoy, that is until 1:40 in.... Edit - lols - Just seen the youtube cover page for this film.... not sure if infractions are coming my way. Maybe was able to take it down in time. If you want to see it go to youtube and search 50 shades of grey. Not bad at all but dum mods might not like it as it shows a nice arse and a bit of side boob. Is that counted at pornographic dumb mods? It is rated R.... Is the muppet show rated R as well? Obviously it is not rated X or dog would still be posting but is R ok? If so I will repost nice bit or arse and side boob on official trailer. 2nd edit - Having read the rules decided to post it. It is not pornographic, bear's review proves that! Most of it is talking about boring bird stuff. plus the video is on youtube and you don't have to be 18 to view it. It is the official trailer and like the book's reputation, it oversells the sexiness. See you in court mods, I've got google behind me! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5hlWohB921M Reading about Bearsy reading about some bloke getting a used ST on his forehead before giving some thick chick one is one thing. Going to a cinema to actually WATCH that happen? Christ, what will they film next? The Alpine Matchday Monologues? David Camoron riding the Metro in Dubai... Nooo FFS you lot he's YOUR moron I don't want him polluting up our Public Transport FFS Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Durleyfos Posted 6 November, 2012 Share Posted 6 November, 2012 A thread of epic proportions, Bearsy! I admire your dedication, I got to Chapter 11 of the book and gave up. You is a star. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dubai_phil Posted 6 November, 2012 Share Posted 6 November, 2012 Bearsy. What have you started. I hope you're on Commission http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2228584/Advance-Christmas-sales-Fifty-Shades-Grey-pleasure-products-roof.html The Fifty Shades of Grey sex boom continues after record sales of the official range of pleasure products developed with the best-seller’s author E L James have been revealed. A third of the entire stock intended to last until Christmas sold out on the first day of trading after the collection became available for pre-order exclusively at Brtiain’s biggest online sex toy retailer, Lovehoney.co.uk Extra stock is being shipped to meet the huge demand from couples keen to spice up their Christmas. The first sales figures for the official range show that fans of the book are keen to try out Christian Grey's sexy games at home. Topping the popular toys list are the Inner Goddess Silver Balls – selling nearly twice as fast than any other item. They are described on the site as perfect for those in need of a new toning challenge with added satisfaction: 'Enjoy Anastasia-style pleasure thanks to these advanced kegel balls.' Second most popular was the Insatiable Desire Mini Vibrator and the Yours and Mine Vibrating Love Ring came third. E L James has worked with designers to make sure the stylish, high quality range perfectly recreates the items used by Ana Steele and her billionaire lover Christian Grey. Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2228584/Advance-Christmas-sales-Fifty-Shades-Grey-pleasure-products-roof.html#ixzz2BTOt5enG Follow us: @MailOnline on Twitter | DailyMail on Facebook Don't just sit there reading Dude, get DESIGNING! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bearsy Posted 6 November, 2012 Author Share Posted 6 November, 2012 (edited) 50 Shades of Grey: Chapter 24 I look at the stick that is jerking between my legs. "Grab hold. Go on Anastasia. Grab it!" Christian urges vehemently. So they go out for a ride in this glider plane thing. They climb up to 3,000 feet. "Jeez, that sounds high," observes Anastasia stupidly. I think that's the idea you dumb fvvck! I have a brief fantasy bout him ejector-seating on a parachute and letting the dumb virgin glide off into a distant mountain, but it don't happen that way. Would've been a sweet way to end the book tho! He actually lets her have a go on the controls which is about the most dangerous, reckless thing I ever heard. I wouldn't let b!tch in charge of my shopping trolley let alone a fvvcking plane! Afters they go to this restaurant to have breakfast. B!tch is doing that annoying thing where she won't choose her own food, she is like "Oh no, I'll have the same as whatever you're having". That really p!sses me off when b!tches is copying. Think for yourself! If a girls is trying it on me I'm always ordering the most disgusting thing on the menu, I'm like can I get cheese and haddock sandwich please with extra olives and gherkins, and restaurant like oh sorry haddock is off and I'm like that's ok I quite like it off. Make that two please. I ain't got much else to say really. It weren't a very eventful chapter cos two thirds of it was Anastasia describing the fvvcking sky. I'm gonna take the opportunity to make a serious point tho. This is sposed to be an investigations after all, but I feel like I've got a bit sidetracked with all the stuff bout how annoying b!tch is. So anyway, throughout the book whenever we is meeting another girl Anastasia is immediately observing how they is all fancying Christian. She makes out it's annoyings but technically she's reveling in it. This is a key difference between b!tches and dudes! B!tches is loving to think that all their mates fancy on their man, it makes them feel good like they is catching a prize. Dudes is not bothered if other dudes is not wanting to hit on their bird. As long as my bird is giving me boner, I'd prefer it if she is not giving anyone else boner. Take a line through muslims. It's a primal thing. Probably from olden days when there was more women than men. In other news, Christian Grey listens to Britney Spears on his iPod. Lols. Edited 7 November, 2012 by Bearsy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bearsy Posted 7 November, 2012 Author Share Posted 7 November, 2012 (edited) 50 Shades of Grey: Chapter 25 I dunno how familiar you is with porno, but the ones I like are where you has clear motivations for the boning. For example in a good porno you might have this hot young girl who is behind on her rent, but she is finding out that her fat old landlord is addicted to Snickers bars and so when he comes to collect the rent see is having a Snickers bar shoved up her fanny and he can eat it out if he lets her off rent, but then it turns out it was Mars Bar he was loving cos he is allergic to nuts and he has heart attack and dies and when the ambulance dudes turn up they say they is going to report her for murder unless she fvvcks them both plus anal. What I'm saying is good porno needs a little plot. EL James don't know nothing bout plot! This is the second last chapter and we ain't had any plotting at all! There's been no murders, no blackmails, no car chases, no fist fights, no bits where someone turns out to be actually the long lost son of someone else. Basically, nothing is happening. If EL James made an actual porno for the first hour the hot girl would be sitting around in her flat chatting to her Inner Goddess bout how she ain't sure if her landlord loves her, or if he just likes Mars Bar. Then he'd give her a quick knob, and then it would finish without anyone even getting battered up the anal. So the first scene of this chapter is basically terrible. It's bout Anastasia saying goodbye to her mum at the airport. They is being really wet bout it and the mum is giving Anastasia all advice bout following her heart and relaxing and enjoying herself and advising her not to "overthink things" (Lols). This is going on and on. The mum is advising "you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you bone a prince" and Anastasia is saying wetly that she's boning a prince but she's worried bout him turning into a frog. At this point this new character called Bob is interjecting. He's the mum's boyfriend. I hadn't realised he was there listening to these two sh!t-heads banging on, poor barstard, it's obviously doing his head in cos he's like "Anastasia I think they're calling your flight..." The mum gives Anastasia "the most endearing, motherly, absolute-unconditional-love smile, and I marvel at the love I feel for this woman as we hug again." Sorry for quoting that last bit in full, but I feel like if I had to read it so should you! She is emailing Christian on the plane saying she's on her way home, and he is politely emailing back "I look forward to seeing you." And she, being the most annoying, needy b!tch in the world is emailing back "Is everything OK? The tone of your email is very worrying." I can only assume it's cos he didn't sign off with x's and flatteries. She don't seem to consider that the poor barstard is probably really busy at work or whatever! He is emailing back saying she shouldn't be emailing on a plane, but that don't stop her. She is emailing back again but this time she is changing the subject box to "Overreaction". She must be really doing his head in! I've had b!tches like this, when they is ringing you when you're busy at work and they're like, "Just calling to see how you're doing." When she gets back she is immediately going round his gaff to investigate the situation. To shut her up, he hitches up her short skirt and bangs her up against the wall. Then he sends her into the rape room. He makes her take off her clothes and kneel by the door, and then she has to wait. He says he'll be along in a bit but in the meantime she has to sit like that with her thighs parted till he can bother to come rape her. She waits ages. Then he comes in. She is noticing that he's naked except for his clothes, whatever the fvvck that means. Then he does her hairdo again FFS. Then he is showing her the Flogger. Anastasia remembers what this is but I ain't quite so sure. I think it might of been the cat-o-nine tails. Then he is blind-folding her, and then he is tieing her to the bed so she is spread-eagled. Then he is whipping the sh!t out of her with the Flogger. Then he is licking her out. Then he is fvvcking her. Then he is untieing her. Then he's like "Turn over". Fvvcking yes! B!tch is gonna get bummed! "I'm going to rub your shoulders." FFS Edited 7 November, 2012 by Bearsy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Special K Posted 7 November, 2012 Share Posted 7 November, 2012 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RogerRamjet Posted 8 November, 2012 Share Posted 8 November, 2012 Where are we with the curtain pole? It's been a couple of weeks now and no further instructions. If it isn't going to get used then I am running out of time to get a refund! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bearsy Posted 8 November, 2012 Author Share Posted 8 November, 2012 Haha I like you running straight out buying a curtain pole! To be honest we ain't seen it since, of all the weapons he has in his rape room so far we is only being told how to use the whip, the Flogger and the Silver Balls. The curtain pole, at this time, is a mystery. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tokyo-Saint Posted 8 November, 2012 Share Posted 8 November, 2012 Maybe it was like a metaphor or something. When he was buying the curtain pole was he holding beef in his other hand? Did he mention going out for a kebab and a saveloy later? He could be putting Derren Brown like images into her head to get her to put out. She basically went from virgin to being *****ed by frankie dettori's whip in 3 chapters. He must be using some mind tricks somewhere. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lazlo78 Posted 8 November, 2012 Share Posted 8 November, 2012 What I'm saying is good porno needs a little plot. In mny opinion, chapter 25 is your best yet. Impressive that you are still going strong! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bearsy Posted 8 November, 2012 Author Share Posted 8 November, 2012 50 Shades of Grey: Final Chapter Preview I've been thinking a bit bout the 50 Shades today. I'm wondering how it's gonna end! It seems to me there is two key themes what is requiring resolutions: 1) Exactly how much abuses and humiliations will a b!tch put up with to secure a rich boyfriend b) Exactly how much annoying dumb b!tchery is a dude willing to put up with to secure a boning I'm thinking in final chapter we should be experiencing escalation on both points! Dude has done some stuff to her already, he has spanked her and whipped her and openly mocked her dumbness, and tied her up and fvvcked her and shoved whip handles up her vag. She is accepting all these abuses quite happily. I suspect she wouldn't have if the dude didn't own his own helicopter but whatever. Nonetheless Final Chapter must push these boundaries, b!tch has got to be abused like never before! There has been a lot of fore-shadowing bout anal fisting so I think that is the logical conclusion. B!tch is gonna get anal fisted, and then she is gonna decide if all the free air travel is worth ending up with a bumhole like an elephant's sock. Dude has also got to be questioning their relationship. She is gonna have to be an especially annoying dumb b!tch in this chapter! He is already putting up with her Inner Goddess and her "Oh I've never done that befores" and her bothering him at work all the time and her finding every single thing she puts in her fat gob "delicious". She has got to do something terrible! I reckon she's gonna have to hot wash his jeans or something. The ending of the book in my opinion, will be one or the other of them breaking off the sex contract and going separate ways. I ain't predicting them getting married or nothing. That would leave less scope for sequals. That's what's gonna happen, but I can think of a hundred better ways to end the book! I'd be giving them both Aids, or finding out they is Brother and Sister, or finding out the whole thing was a bet, or a TV Reality Game Show that Christian is on called "Can U Talk A Virgin Into Anal?" Maybe EL James will surprise me with something unexpected tho! You never know! I'm gonna have a little read on it in a bit and find out! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seaford Saint Posted 9 November, 2012 Share Posted 9 November, 2012 We are forever grateful Bearsy. I will use your expression arse like an elephant's sock at some future time. My wife knows this website is the source. It has been a bad influence on me. Still reckon that all the chapters should be separated out at the end of the thread. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notnowcato Posted 9 November, 2012 Share Posted 9 November, 2012 Maybe, as Bearsy would say, the dumb mods could knock a poll up as to the ending that the reader desires / requires. Far be it for me and my clumsy literary skills to suggest the poll options but I'd be happy if fisting and elephant sock appeared as one action and consequence. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
saintbletch Posted 9 November, 2012 Share Posted 9 November, 2012 50 Shades of Grey: Final Chapter Preview I've been thinking a bit bout the 50 Shades today. I'm wondering how it's gonna end! It seems to me there is two key themes what is requiring resolutions: 1) Exactly how much abuses and humiliations will a b!tch put up with to secure a rich boyfriend b) Exactly how much annoying dumb b!tchery is a dude willing to put up with to secure a boning I'm thinking in final chapter we should be experiencing escalation on both points! Dude has done some stuff to her already, he has spanked her and whipped her and openly mocked her dumbness, and tied her up and fvvcked her and shoved whip handles up her vag. She is accepting all these abuses quite happily. I suspect she wouldn't have if the dude didn't own his own helicopter but whatever. Nonetheless Final Chapter must push these boundaries, b!tch has got to be abused like never before! There has been a lot of fore-shadowing bout anal fisting so I think that is the logical conclusion. B!tch is gonna get anal fisted, and then she is gonna decide if all the free air travel is worth ending up with a bumhole like an elephant's sock. Dude has also got to be questioning their relationship. She is gonna have to be an especially annoying dumb b!tch in this chapter! He is already putting up with her Inner Goddess and her "Oh I've never done that befores" and her bothering him at work all the time and her finding every single thing she puts in her fat gob "delicious". She has got to do something terrible! I reckon she's gonna have to hot wash his jeans or something. The ending of the book in my opinion, will be one or the other of them breaking off the sex contract and going separate ways. I ain't predicting them getting married or nothing. That would leave less scope for sequals. That's what's gonna happen, but I can think of a hundred better ways to end the book! I'd be giving them both Aids, or finding out they is Brother and Sister, or finding out the whole thing was a bet, or a TV Reality Game Show that Christian is on called "Can U Talk A Virgin Into Anal?" Maybe EL James will surprise me with something unexpected tho! You never know! I'm gonna have a little read on it in a bit and find out! Preview? You're such a tease bear. I was expecting the denouement and an end to this distasteful vvank-fest and instead you've whipped the vvankers into a rabid frenzy with your speculation. You certainly know how to wield the "tuggers' tension" literary device bear. Two points. 1) My understanding (From Mrs SaintBletch) was that the contract that Christian asked 'the chubby virgin' to sign is a cause of tension between them. I thought she'd signed the NDA but not the "What and Where" contract. I know you've been rightly concentrating on the anal sex angle bear, and we're all really grateful to you, and I recognise that little else matters, but as this is a review of an artist's work, is it possible that you could you be overlooking a more subtle plot theme? That of Christian Grey allowing her to limit the What and Where because he might be falling in lurv? I know that by asking the question I have directly caused thousands of engorged members' engorged members to fall flaccidly onto thousands of members' bellies, but I owe it to a leading light of 21st century literature to ask the question. 2) I trust we're going straight to book two after this? Or are you going to tackle other works by other great literary titans? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bearsy Posted 9 November, 2012 Author Share Posted 9 November, 2012 Sorry Bletch! I did mean to review the final chapter last night but then I was watching tv and stuff! You might be right bout the sex contract, she agreed to it verbally but I don't think she physically signed it as yet. I didn't think it mattered much cos they was both agreeing that the Sex Contract is not legally enforcable (so what's the fvvcking point of having one?). I ain't sure bout book two. I'm worried bout diminishing returns! What if it's even worse? I don't think I could take it if it's even worse! Can you ask Mrs Bletch, can you ask her if it's at least more filfthy than book one? I might be tempted if it's more bonings! Or more lols. Or even more better written would be nice! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tokyo-Saint Posted 9 November, 2012 Share Posted 9 November, 2012 Spoiler alert bear bashing in progress... The book ends with the virgin leaving, something about Audi keys. "Once at her apartment, she curls up in her bed and cries". Sorry bear I can never resist doing this when someone is reading a detective book or whatever. Sound like you have a block buster ending to look forward to! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tokyo-Saint Posted 9 November, 2012 Share Posted 9 November, 2012 Sorry again bear, feeling bad about it (not bad enough to edit it these things still amuse me). It is not all bad news though. My favourite bit from the last chapter "Christian joins her, bringing her cream and Advil for the soreness on her butt". Maybe this will entice you to read on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bearsy Posted 9 November, 2012 Author Share Posted 9 November, 2012 W-wait have you read the fvvcking book tokyos! I only done this whole review for you! Why am I wasting my time! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
saintbletch Posted 9 November, 2012 Share Posted 9 November, 2012 Sorry Bletch! I did mean to review the final chapter last night but then I was watching tv and stuff! You might be right bout the sex contract, she agreed to it verbally but I don't think she physically signed it as yet. I didn't think it mattered much cos they was both agreeing that the Sex Contract is not legally enforcable (so what's the fvvcking point of having one?). I ain't sure bout book two. I'm worried bout diminishing returns! What if it's even worse? I don't think I could take it if it's even worse! Can you ask Mrs Bletch, can you ask her if it's at least more filfthy than book one? I might be tempted if it's more bonings! Or more lols. Or even more better written would be nice! I'll ask Mrs. saintbletch if the second book is betterer from a bonings and lols perspective, but I think your instinct is right. You need this to be more Falty Towers than 'Allo 'Allo, more The Office than My Family. Like Tommy Cooper leave them wanting more bear. Although you don't actually need to die to make the point. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
saintbletch Posted 9 November, 2012 Share Posted 9 November, 2012 Sorry again bear, feeling bad about it (not bad enough to edit it these things still amuse me). It is not all bad news though. My favourite bit from the last chapter "Christian joins her, bringing her cream and Advil for the soreness on her butt". Maybe this will entice you to read on. See what you've done bear? Nature abhors a vacuum. In the absence of your final chapter review, Toke has come along and got premature all over this thread. Let's wait for the bear's anal ysis. In the mean time you should just belt-up Toke. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tokyo-Saint Posted 9 November, 2012 Share Posted 9 November, 2012 W-wait have you read the fvvcking book tokyos! I only done this whole review for you! Why am I wasting my time! Don't be stupid bear, I wouldn't read that. The last book I read was the B.F.G and frankly that was boring enough. It was like Leon but with an even weirder peodo sub-text. I don't know what was going on in the 70's and 80's but it appears lots of kids got bummed. Fortunately, like you, I must have been one of the ugly ones. It was the pr!ck tease preview that set me off. I was just too excited bear and I don't really come on here at the weekends. I might not have found out the ending until monday and by then you and bletch would have been like "oh 50 shades, that was so last week". So I went on here: http://www.thebookspoiler.com/Spoilers/50Shades.html It is actually pretty good, there are loads of books on here. I am going to find out what everyone is reading and then tell them the ending. I might join a book club. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
suewhistle Posted 9 November, 2012 Share Posted 9 November, 2012 I ain't sure bout book two. I'm worried bout diminishing returns! What if it's even worse? I don't think I could take it if it's even worse! Can you ask Mrs Bletch, can you ask her if it's at least more filfthy than book one? I might be tempted if it's more bonings! Or more lols. Or even more better written would be nice! Oh Bearsy! This and the PTS saga are just so loltastic it would be a shame if you stopped. After all, we want something good to come of such a turgidly written work. Not worried about the bonings 'cos they do nothing for me.. Just one point... next time I'm in a restaurant I'll order the lobster, t-bone steak and a 1961 Chateau Latour: that'll teach ya! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notnowcato Posted 9 November, 2012 Share Posted 9 November, 2012 Oh Bearsy! This and the PTS saga are just so loltastic it would be a shame if you stopped. After all, we want something good to come of such a turgidly written work. Not worried about the bonings 'cos they do nothing for me.. Just one point... next time I'm in a restaurant I'll order the lobster, t-bone steak and a 1961 Chateau Latour: that'll teach ya! lobster... steak... wine (bottle of).... you better be interested in the bonings!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
suewhistle Posted 9 November, 2012 Share Posted 9 November, 2012 Nah, really not my thing. I normally go dutch anyway! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bearsy Posted 9 November, 2012 Author Share Posted 9 November, 2012 Hi Sue! Interesting stuff! Anytime you want to chat about this situation and be asked loads of inappropriate and personal questions remember I'm here for you babes! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tokyo-Saint Posted 9 November, 2012 Share Posted 9 November, 2012 You ever been dutch bear? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bearsy Posted 9 November, 2012 Author Share Posted 9 November, 2012 Nah but I have a very strong interest in it! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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