Bearsy Investigates: 50 Shades Of Grey

[Bearsy]

50 Shades of Grey: Chapter 9

 

B!tch wakes up and she's really sore in the vag. P!ssing razor blades. She's worried he's gonna start in on her with the curtain poles so she comes up with a plan:

 

"I find two hair ties in my bag and quickly put my hair in pigtails. Yes! The more girly I look the safer I'll be."

 

Yeah that ought to do it you dumb fvvck. Put on your school uniform. Dudes hate that.

 

They is then chattin a bit bout the sex last night. She's saying she was loving it. He said he quite liked it too, which was a surprise because he "never had vanilla sex before." This surprises me! I mean I get that he don't have normal sex no more, once you find you like bum rape you tend to stick with it, but I don't get how it was he never had a normal boning. Like my first time, i was in spain with my mum and dad and I'd fixed it so my mate had come with us, and me and my mate met these two girls and one night i fixed it so i was gonna bone one on the beach, and she fixed it so she'd only do it if my mate boned her mate, and i fixed it that he would even tho he weren't keen cos she was butters. So anyway we've knobbed these birds and then I've looked at my mate and my mate's looked at me and I've gone "RUN!" and we've pegged it. I imagine it was much the same for you. What I'm saying tho is if instead of just knobbing her I'd of been popping back to the hotel for nipple clamps and gimp masks.... it would have been a bit weird! It don't happen like that, IMO.

 

So they is then having a bath together. What he is doing is sitting behind her with his legs around her and he is washing her boobs. I like this bit, I'm getting a small boner. I like touching boobs, especially when I'm doing it in such a way that I'm not having to look at b!tch's face.

 

Then she sucks him off in the bath. It's pretty cool how he talks her into this, I've had trouble sometimes with talking chicks into a BJ. Turns out my technique was off. I'm all like give me a bj, she's like lol no! I'm like Please give me a bj but it's too late she's entrenched in her original position. What Christian Grey does is he's like, “I'm gonna fvvck your mouth.” You see the difference? It ain't exactly a question. More difficult for the b!tch to back out of.

 

Few incidentals we are learning:

• B!tch swallows
  
• The room he makes her sleep in is smaller than his toilet
  
• She's started calling him "Bluebeard". I don't think it'll catch on. Dude is clean shaven. If anything it suits her better cos we is finding she has big bush
  

He then ties her up on his bed. He's doing this with a neck tie, I spose it's the one on the front cover of the book, the one with the Half Windsor knot. He's tieing her hands up above her head and then he's licking her body and every time she moves her arms he's like "FFS! Now we've got to start again!". Then he's licking her vag and she's like "Aaargh!". B!tch must be proper sore! She calls her vag her "sex". This makes things confusing! It's the first time in 21 years someone of the opposite sex had sex in my sex.

 

There's some strange noises without. His mum walks in. Lols.

[Jonnyboy]

How long is the contract for? Is she gonna get sex traffic-ed?

[Bearsy]

I was wondering when there was other people in the gaff if it was gonna be a whole bunch of his mates and she was gonna get gang banged. I was a bit disappointed when it was just his mum! Maybe it turns out his mum was the one who taught him all the S&M stuff tho... maybe she's gonna pile in!

 

B!tch signed the non-talking agreement but she ain't signed the actual sex-contract yet. That's probably why she ain't getting it too bad yet!

[Tokyo-Saint]

Sounds like you are enjoying the book a lot more bear. Has it gone up in your estimation since all the boning and swallowing started? It's a shame Hannah or no other b!tches said to you "bear you should skip to chapter 8."

 

Nevermind, maybe all that helicopter info will come in handy, if you win the euro millions or get stuck in a lift with Michael Owen or something.

[suewhistle]

I'm quite tempted to read the book for real, as soon as Bear finishes his review..

 

Jez, Jez, Jez, you've really missed the point.. O.K., so I'm a girly, but the whole point about Bearsy's review is to put you _off_ reading the book. Bearsy's review has had me in stitches (the sexist bastard!;-) ), but look at Lazlo's comment below.... a very good summing up of the affair!

[Bearsy]

Sounds like you are enjoying the book a lot more bear. Has it gone up in your estimation since all the boning and swallowing started? It's a shame Hannah or no other b!tches said to you "bear you should skip to chapter 8."

 

Nevermind, maybe all that helicopter info will come in handy, if you win the euro millions or get stuck in a lift with Michael Owen or something.

 

It's the most greatest book ever written! What EL James has done is made the first 7 chapters so dumb and boring that when the characters start sucking each other off in chapters 8 & 9 you is so relieved that thou ain't talking no more that even the entirely unnecessary 6 pages I just read bout him feeling her up in the bath is like dostoevskys!

 

It's like how they put Adrian chiles on tv to make Roy Keane seem intelligent

[suewhistle]

Oh sod! I wrote that and then realised there'd been more postd on the thread...:

 

"I find two hair ties in my bag and quickly put my hair in pigtails. Yes! The more girly I look the safer I'll be."

 

Yeah that ought to do it you dumb fvvck. Put on your school uniform. Dudes hate that."

 

 

Me collapsing in giggles again....

[Lazlo78]

While Sue, Phil and other nutjobs are in here, may I boldly suggest the making of "50 shades of Blue" with Pompey as the virgin being passed around and Chinny as the guy with the contract screwing over the virgin? Maybe PST as Jose, the guy who wants the virgin but gets c*ckblocked by Chinny?

[tpbury]

I have recommended this review to my niece (who owns the book) and her grandad (who is staying with her family) who has started reading the book whilst on the bog. Should be at chapter 8 in no time.

[Wibble]

I have not read the original book as the sight of a fat, greasy chav with 5 kids waving it around in Tesco before putting it in her trolley was enough for me.

 

I wandered in here by accident when the PTS was at a boring stalemate and this has now become my favourite thread.

[CB Saint]

I have not read the original book as the sight of a fat, greasy chav with 5 kids waving it around in Tesco before putting it in her trolley was enough for me.

 

I wandered in here by accident when the PTS was at a boring stalemate and this has now become my favourite thread.

 

You set your bar low.

[dubai_phil]

While Sue, Phil and other nutjobs are in here, may I boldly suggest the making of "50 shades of Blue" with Pompey as the virgin being passed around and Chinny as the guy with the contract screwing over the virgin? Maybe PST as Jose, the guy who wants the virgin but gets c*ckblocked by Chinny?

 

Yeah that would have kinda worked.

 

But then this image of Penny M tied up face first to that big wooden crucifix and the Mobility Scooter lady.

 

Bearsy hurry up FFS I'm gonna have to book back into therapy tomorrow and I Don't wanna miss a thing

[Wibble]

I have not read the original book as the sight of a fat, greasy chav with 5 kids waving it around in Tesco before putting it in her trolley was enough for me.

 

I wandered in here by accident when the PTS was at a boring stalemate and this has now become my favourite thread.

 

You set your bar low.

 

Ooops, can see how that could be misconstrued, especially if you wrongly assumed I was male!

I meant that it summed up the types who were reading it.

[Bearsy]

Hey baby! Has anyone hit on you yet? I can tell just from username that you is hot! I really like what you're wearing or whatever!

 

How come the saintsweb ladies (or "bearsy's b!tches" as I like to think of them) ain't hating on me for these reviews? Possibly they ain't picking up on it but hidden in the subtexts is a very slight air of misogyny in these postings! It's obviously too subtle. Probably they're not concentrating properly cos they is too busy thinking bout their ironing or whatever.

[Lazlo78]

Yeah that would have kinda worked.

 

But then this image of Penny M tied up face first to that big wooden crucifix and the Mobility Scooter lady.

 

Bearsy hurry up FFS I'm gonna have to book back into therapy tomorrow and I Don't wanna miss a thing

 

On second thought, the idea of Pompey as a virgin doesn't really sit well with me... That old wh*re has been around screwing every fake sheik in sight

[Jonnyboy]

Hey baby! Has anyone hit on you yet? I can tell just from username that you is hot! I really like what you're wearing or whatever!

 

How come the saintsweb ladies (or "bearsy's b!tches" as I like to think of them) ain't hating on me for these reviews? Possibly they ain't picking up on it but hidden in the subtexts is a very slight air of misogyny in these postings! It's obviously too subtle. Probably they're not concentrating properly cos they is too busy thinking bout their ironing or whatever.

 

Bloody women love a bad boy, especially if he's funny.

 

I'm a lovely polite chap and they all assume I be a bender.

[Bearsy]

50 Shades of Grey: Chapter 10

 

Jose is back b!tches! I've missed him bad we ain't heard from him since he finger-banged her outside Weatherspoons! In the interim period Jose has become considerably more portugese. He is now saying things like "Dios mio!" i ain't looked it up or anything but from the context i'm detecting it means "fvvck me!". Dude don't give up!

 

He's ringing her up while she's meeting dude's mum. Rather rudely she's answering and then she's immediately telling Jose that she's just been boned. Cruel! Jose was really looking forward to getting some of that virgin vag and now it's all ruined! She's rubbing her slack twaat in his face!

 

She's then immediately making sure Christian Grey knows that it was Jose on the phone. This is also typical b!tches! They love telling people when they has got other dudes dogging round! It's the total opposite of how men roll, I go to great lengths to make sure that the b!tches I'm boning know nothing of the b!tches i want to bone. I'm much more considerate! Whereas girls is always telling me oh noes there's this guy at work and he is always flirting on me... it's so annoyings! Right oh. Whatever!

 

Christian Grey ain't so sanguine as me though. He gets all moody bout it. Just like b!tch wanted. I reckon he'd like to start in on her with the cat o nine tails but unfortunately she ain't signed the sex contract yet so he is having to settle with just glowering at her and frowning and stuff. What is his problem? she is asking me. I've warned her bout this before, it's your fvvcking book you figure it out! I can't do all the work!

 

He takes her home. They is driving which is a blessed relief to me cos i've already heard enough bout his dumb helicopter. I could probably fly the fvvcking thing. On the other hand, i now know an awful lot bout his car

 

They stop off at this restaurant. You can't choose what you want to eat they is just serving "whatever they've caught or gathered". Nice. Roadkill and nettles. My favourite! B!tch wants a Diet Coke but she can't have one. They're out of season.

 

You know she met his mum just now? His mum was acting all surprised, i thought it was just the natural awkwardness when you is walking in on your boy licking out a porky retard trussed up in neck-ties, but no, turns out she was surprised cos till that moment she thought he was gay! I still think he might be. He put on Bruce Springsteen in the car (overcompensating! probably if she went through the cd changer it was all One Direction and show tunes) and then he looks at her sincerely and says "Gotta love a bit of Bruce!". It's probably the gayest moment in the book so far. I was so cringing I had to put the book down and watch some porn.

 

Lols! Waitress just brought them some soup! It actually is nettle soup! Sometimes I'm so amazingly prescient! This is one of the proudest moments of my life! B!tch reckons it's "delicious". Nah, you're alright. I had some hawthorns this morning.

 

We is then finding out bout his first boning (he's done 15 birds total) which is what i was wondering bout last chapter, how come it was kinky and not normal? It turns out he done it with one of his mum's mates when he was 15. He's making out it was a woman, but given what his mum just said I'm thinking Jimmy Saville or something. Christian Grey was originally a submissive (translation: bum raped) but now he is a dominant (translation: bum rapist).

 

The waitress comes back with a plate of meat. Badger or something. Anastasia is making out like she's full up with nettles. This causes a bit of a conflict cos he's always going on bout wanting her to eat lots of food. This is one of his things. He's a feeder.

 

He's then dropping her off. Before she goes she's like "By the way... I'm wearing your underwear." She is showing him. "Christian's mouth drops open, shocked." I don't blame him! You take a girl out, you buy her a nice meal of badger and nettles and she is stealing your stuff! B!tch!

 

I always wonder bout what b!tches are like the day after I've boned them. I pretty much forget all bout them and get on with my life thinking bout the football or what's on tv or important stuff like that. What girls do, it turns out, is spend the next ten pages thinking bout me, talking bout me, boasting bout me to Katherine 'Kate' Kavenagh, rubbing my helicopter in Jose's face and wearing my stolen underpants. I knew it!

[suewhistle]

How come the saintsweb ladies (or "bearsy's b!tches" as I like to think of them) ain't hating on me for these reviews? Possibly they ain't picking up on it but hidden in the subtexts is a very slight air of misogyny in these postings! It's obviously too subtle. Probably they're not concentrating properly cos they is too busy thinking bout their ironing or whatever.

 

As subtle and as over-the-top as a Benali two-footed tackle, dear thing! You really wouldn't want to be around me when I've an iron at hand, particularly the one I use for waxing my skis. . Always have my edging file handy as well....

 

I had a beautician friend who used to deal with the girls at a local "specialist" house, and she passed on some hilarious stories. The good thing from the point of view of the working girls apparently was that they didn't actually have to touch the clients... not so much working at arms length, but whip length, I suppose.

[Tokyo-Saint]

I'll level with you sue, I like the sound of your life in Italy.

 

Is it all pulling strangers in bars and enticing them back to your sex dungeon/wine cellar and whips and stuff or are you just telling us this because of the tone of the thread?

 

I've never heard anything like this before when you were wondering if Pompey would get taken over in the lounge. This is much more interesting.

 

Another good chapter bear but don't tell bletch I said that.

Edited 18 October, 2012 by Tokyo-Saint

[suewhistle]

I think the tone of the thread may have something to do with it, don't you?

 

ANSWER, BOY!!

 

 

;-)

Oh, and a silly sense of humour...

[Wade Garrett]

Bearsy, has he unloaded a big dump of pooh on the ***** yet?

[Bearsy]

Nah it's all been pretty tame so far! He's trying to get her to sign this sex-contract thing tho, i don't reckon he's gonna get too kinky on her till she's signed that. Dude don't want to get sued!

[Bearsy]

I had a beautician friend who used to deal with the girls at a local "specialist" house, and she passed on some hilarious stories.

 

Share some of the stories on me sue baby!

[Tokyo-Saint]

Nah it's all been pretty tame so far! He's trying to get her to sign this sex-contract thing tho, i don't reckon he's gonna get too kinky on her till she's signed that. Dude don't want to get sued!

 

 

Is that one of those bletchy homeo things with the different meanings? Is it like you don't want to have to go to court of be seduced down to a wine cellar, handcuffed and then whipped by 6 Italian girls all fresh from the beauty salon as Sue shouts ANSWER BOY!?

 

Or was it just a coincidence and the other stuff is in my mind?

[PhilippineSaint]

Heres a little poem to be going on with

 

The missus bought a Paperback

down Brixham, Saturday,

had a look in her bag;

T’was “fifty shades of grey”!

 

Well I just left her to it,

At ten I went to bed.

An hour later she appeared;

The sight filled me with dread…..

 

In her left hand she held a rope;

And in her right a whip!

She threw them down on the floor,

And then began to strip.

 

Well fifty years or so ago;

I might have had a peek;

But Doris hasn’t weathered well;

She’s eighty four next week.

 

Watching Doris bump and grind;

Could not have been much grimmer.

Things went from bad to worse;

She toppled off her Zimmer!

 

She struggled up upon her feet;

A couple minutes later;

She put her teeth back in and…

Said…. I must dominate her!!

 

Now if you knew our Doris,

You’d see just why I spluttered,

I’d spent two months in traction

For the last complaint I’d muttered.

 

She stood there nude, naked like;

Bent forward just a bit ….

I thought what the hell,

Stepped forward,

and stood on her left tit!

 

Doris screamed, her teeth shot out;

My god what had I done!?

She moaned and groaned then shouted out:

Step on the other one”!!

 

Well readers, I can’t tell no more;

About what occurred that day.

Suffice to say my jet black hair,….

Turned “fifty shades of Grey”.

[Jonnyboy]

Hey baby! Has anyone hit on you yet? I can tell just from username that you is hot! I really like what you're wearing or whatever!

 

How come the saintsweb ladies (or "bearsy's b!tches" as I like to think of them) ain't hating on me for these reviews? Possibly they ain't picking up on it but hidden in the subtexts is a very slight air of misogyny in these postings! It's obviously too subtle. Probably they're not concentrating properly cos they is too busy thinking bout their ironing or whatever.

 

Funnily enough I showed my other half ("Jonnygirl" if you will) the Bear Chapters last night:

 

"I don't like how he says b!tches"

"He is quite funny but also quite sexist"

"Do you think he is a proper geek?"

 

"Do you think he's a thirteen year old virgin?"

 

[Tokyo-Saint]

Lol. I might get mugged off by mods and registered users bear but you are getting it from unregistered users!

[Bearsy]

Funnily enough I showed my other half ("Jonnygirl" if you will) the Bear Chapters last night:

 

"I don't like how he says b!tches"

"He is quite funny but also quite sexist"

"Do you think he is a proper geek?"

 

"Do you think he's a thirteen year old virgin?"

 

 

What! I need to stamp out these viscous rumours before they is spreading! Jonnygirl could hardly be more wrong! I turned 14 nearly 6 months ago!

[Bearsy]

50 Shades of Grey: Chapter 11

 

The first 11 pages of this chapter is the sex contract. You'd think that would be lols but it's not. You'd think it'd be all saying what things he can stick up what holes and it is a bit, but it's all written in dry legal languages so it's hiding the lols in sentences like "The party of the first part as defined in appendix 3 subclause 7 notwithstanding the articles published in section IV of the fourth participle may subject to the qualifications outlined in the draft form of I66a clause 15 insert the specified articles as defined in Appendix 4 excepting those items qualified in the subsection 7 into the party of the second part on the occassions described as acceptable use which are subject to the fair use qualifications of articles 8 & 9"

 

I think the problem here is EL James is reproducing this document in full. She ought to have been given me edited highlights! I mostly was scan reading but i did catch reference to anal fisting which is promising for the future and i also learned that the safe words is "yellow" and "red" which is a useful football system for deciding exactly how large an article the person of the first part can insert up the arse of the the participant of the second part. Basically, if she's starting to tear she goes "Yellow" and he goes slow, and if she's worried the curtain pole ain't coming back out she goes "Red" and he's sposed to stop.

 

This takes half the chapter, reading the sex contract. To recap at this point I am on page 175. There are 514 pages in total.

 

 

To recap on another point, Anastasia Steele is 21 years old. She's just completed her degree in literature at Washington State. We is now learning that she has managed to achieve this without ever owning a computer or having an email address. It never ceases to amaze me the stuff this b!tch has never done before! She's never held hands, she never got fingered, she never got kissed, she never had a computer it's almost like she never existed! It's like EL James is just sitting about making this sh!t up or something!

 

We is finding out bout the computers cos Christian Grey is sending her one. Cos she's so dumb he's also sending someone to show her how to turn it on. She's like "I've got an email address! Oh my!" and is staring at the computer like she's the first woman in space and just got given a warp drive.

 

They is then having a dumb conversation on email. To her credit she ain't thinking to litter her emails with "xx"'s and smiley faces like most of my female correspondants. She is then googling "submissive" and then we is learning she is "queasy and shocked" bout what she finds. I was interested bout this so i googled it myself. The second hit was about 50 Shades of Grey. I spose that must have been a bit of a head-fvvck! If i got anal raped and then googled anal rape and found out it was all about me getting anal raped I'd be like woah!

[Bearsy]

50 Shades of Grey: Chapter 12

 

"For the first time in my life, I voluntarily go for a run."

 

Lol she is making this sh!t too easy! I reckon this is possibly the most implausible of all the sh!t she ain't never done before. I know she's a fat whale or whatever but seriously who ain't never run? I mean never! I run all the time! Chasing my victims through the park. I dunno. I don't like it. I could take her never being drunk before, I could take her never using a computer before but this time she's gone too far. Wouldn't surprise me if next chapter we're finding out she never took a sh!t.

 

Being a beginner she is listening to Snow Patrol while she jogs. You want something more upbeat than that love! Snow Patrol, if it's music you've got to listen to at all, is music to walk to. B!tch must be slowest runner in the world if she's trudging along in time to Snow Patrol, but then i spose she never actually used her legs before.

 

She's still listening to Snow Patrol later when Christian Grey turns up at her gaff. Possibly Snow Patrol is one of her punishments, we ain't clear on this. Christian Grey has brought that same neck tie along and he ties her arms to the headboard and he removes her trousers and pants and he lifts her t shirt so it's covering her face and then he's like "I'm going to get a drink."

 

I find this lols! I read it back over again cos I lols it so much! What I'm really hoping for now is for Jose to stop by now and find her all trussed up and blindfolded and then he can get some, but it don't work out that way. Christian Grey comes back and he slaps her about a bit and then he flips her over and pounds on her till she comes. "That was really nice," says Anastasia. Dude has got to be a bit non-plussed by this. I don't spose that's what sadists is wanting to hear.

 

We've got a bit of a problem now, she's sending an email of amendments to the sex contract and one of them is "No fisting of any kind". I ain't happy bout this! I was looking forward to the fisting. She also ain't happy bout the genital clamps. I ain't entirely familiar with genital clamps. I'm not sure what I'm picturing here, like a bulldog clip? She is also bringing up that she ain't keen on being whipped or flogged. She's actually p!ssing me off a bit with all the stuff she don't want to do! Why not try it first you fat cow? You didn't know you'd like holding hands till you went ahead and tried it first!

[Tokyo-Saint]

Maybe she had never heard of snow patrol bear and thought she might try it out for her run?

 

She is out of control! Who knows what she'll do next? Fencing to Elbow, mountain biking to bjork, sky diving to ocean colour scene. The world's her oyster.

[Bearsy]

Actually now i think bout it she only got a computer yesterday so she couldn't have anything on her iPod before now. I'll let her off, being as how she hasn't heard music before!

[Tokyo-Saint]

I've heard of 'don't run before you can walk' or whatever but this b!tch swallowed before she could run. What a sl@g!

Edited 21 October, 2012 by Tokyo-Saint

[saintbletch]

Maybe she had never heard of snow patrol bear and thought she might try it out for her run?

 

She is out of control! Who knows what she'll do next? Fencing to Elbow, mountain biking to bjork, sky diving to ocean colour scene. The world's her oyster.

 

The world might be her oyster Toke, but if she signs the contract, her oyster will be Christian Grey's.

 

Don't sign it Anastasia.

 

Fortunately as she will never have used a pen before, it could take her until book three to develop the requisite fine motor skills to fashion an autograph.

[Tokyo-Saint]

It's too late bletch. For the first time in her life she is contract signing to katchagoogoo and he is ordering a new curtain poll. It has taken him 6 hours as he is chatty up the new bird at b&q (his happiest hunting ground).

 

I'm starting to like this guy. In years to come, they will call him the DIY penetrator.

[dubai_phil]

I'm worried.

 

I saw Snow Patrol in a gig here last winter and they was good.

 

Does this mean I now have to take up running? I can't build a Wine Cellar (in case Sue comes through here in transit to somewhere that lets little old ladies with big thighs play football after they have retired), position my stools properly on the bedroom floor AND take up running all at once.

 

What to do?

[Bearsy]

50 Shades of Grey: Chapter 13

 

B!tch is worried that she's been too negative bout this whole contract thing. She's worried he'll withdraw his generous offer to bum rape her with curtain poles, so when she gets an email from him she is all sh!tting herself bout it, but it's ok, it turns out he's just randomly emailing her the dictionary definition of "submissive". It's a strange move, considering the b!tch supposedly just completed a degree in English at Washington State University.

 

She is then emailing him back the dictionary definition of "compromise". I'm thinking at this point if you've both got dictionarys why can't you look it up your fvvcking self?

 

She is then spending some time catching up with friends that i don't remember meeting before, but she's acting like i do. This happens to me a lot. She's like "I call Ray who is just about to watch the Sounders play" and I'm like who is this Ray of which you speak? What is Sounders? But she don't really clarify. Instead she's like "Paul is back from Princeton before he sets off for New York" and again this is leaving me non-plussed. I wish she'd just stick to the main characters, or at least when I've learned a character like cvvnt Travis from chapter 3 make the effort to keep them on stage. I don't see why we is needing all these new characters. If someone has to go to Sounders, I'd just as soon it was Jose.

 

This Paul seems to be hitting on her tho, up until she rubs her Christian Grey in his face and then he gets all moody. This makes her "inner goddess make a vulgar and unattractive gesture". She's always saying dumb stuff like this about her Inner Goddess. I ain't even entirely sure what she's going on about. I think it's schizophrenia. Every time she meets Christian Grey her Inner Goddess has something dumb to say on the subject. Not exactly say, the Inner Goddess is mute, but she keeps doing stuff like jumping up in the air or touching herself or clapping her hands. I thought Anastasia Grey was the dumbest b!tch in the book, but I'm starting to think the inner goddess might be Down's Syndrome.

 

She's got a date with Christian Grey so we get to hear all bout how she's washing her vag, and shaving her vag and cleaning her boobs and stuff. This will probably work better in the film version.

 

All that is left is for her to "mentally gird her loins" which strikes me as a particularly dumb sentence, and then she goes to meet Christian Grey. We find out all bout what he's wearing and how he's done his hair and stuff but that don't interest me all that much.

 

We then have to sit with them while they have dinner. It takes ages. Here is samples of their rivetting conversations:

 

"What would you like to drink?"

"I'll have what you're having please."

"Glass of Sancerre. They have an excellent wine cellar here."

"Are you hungry?"

"No"

"Have you eaten today?"

"No"

"I hope you like oysters."

"I've never had one". (Item 276 on things Anastasia Steele ain't never done before)

"Did you choose them for their aphrodisiac qualities?"

"No, they are the first item on the menu."

 

I like this, that's what I always do when I go to a restaurant, eat the entire menu in order. Freak!

 

This goes on for pages and pages.

 

"Would you like some more wine?"

"I have to drive."

"Water then?"

"Yes."

"Still or sparkling?"

"Sparkling please."

 

This is all very realistic. I've been with b!tches like that. No conversation. I bet it's really dragging, I bet even the Inner Goddess is checking her watch.

 

Then he wants her to knob her right in the restaurant and she's like lol no! and they is having some sort of disagreement bout it and then she is getting in her car, and being the dumb b!tch that she is both her and her inner goddess is immediately bursting into tears. This is stirring my emotions too. I'm laughing, callously. I like to think Christian Grey is too.

 

Just by way of explanation, all the chapters at the moment is about will she or won't she sign the rape contract. I mean obviously she will. There ain't a lot of suspense bout this, unless you're particually bothered bout if sub-section 6a is gonna say they meet 3 weekends or 4 weekends a month. Basically, we're killing time. But it's coming. B!tch is gonna get bummed, I can feel it!

[suewhistle]

What to do?

 

I'd like to give you some instructions, but I'm afraid you wouldn't follow them, and...then there might be some regrets... And I'm tall... and even slightly fitter than you, going by the three footie training sessions a week at the moment and the evidence of your golfing photos! :-) Bought my season ski pass today, so in a few more weeks will be even fitter, if I don't manage to do a leg in. If I do I'll just take up golf.;-)

[suewhistle]

I'm laughing, callously.

 

I can see why. Thank you for saving me the bother of having to read this book. It's slightly embarassing when a book review is better than the book, so I forgive you your 14 year old sexism.:-)

[Bearsy]

No bother Sue! I ain't sure all the sexisms is my fault, I used to have big respect for women till i spent 200 pages with Anastasia Steele. What worries me most is someone at work said 50 Shades is officially the best selling book of all time. They can't all be reading it ironically! A lot of these women must be sitting around thinking Oh I wish i was a boring fat stupid virgin like Anastasia Steele.

[Tokyo-Saint]

I can't be sure bear but I'm thinking that her inner goddess is her fanny.

[Frank's cousin]

I can't be sure bear but I'm thinking that her inner goddess is her fanny.

 

Well there are a lot of Inner Goddesses back on the main board now... just like when Rupert 'Christian' Lowe was sticking curtain polls up fan's arses so this thread has now become a refuge to keep the sane sane - its taken on a new function and responsibilty Bearsy, elevated from a mere intellectual literery critique to one of the most important threads on the Forum - certainly one in which there is more truth and sense than in the rest of the board combined... please bring on chapter 13, depite your obvious dislike of the prose, its still contains more depth and insight and realism than anything written on the main board. Despite Ms Steeles converstaion, inner witterings and submissiveness, she still makes more sense than the bed wetting inner goddesses you find there.

[suewhistle]

Frank, is it getting messy over there? Don't think I could face the usual suspects saying the usual things in their usual snide, negative way.

I'll just pop in here and the PTS..

[Bearsy]

I don't like it when people is all arguing! I always try and make it all nice again with off topic posts. Like yesterday Alpine and some dude was having an argument bout who was most mentally negligent and I used my negotiating skills to twist it into a discussion bout if Whitey Grandad likes anal sex. It sounds like nothing, but I tell you i totally talked them poor souls down off the ledge! Before long it was all hands across the water.

 

I should be in the U.N. / nobel peace prize

[Frank's cousin]

I don't like it when people is all arguing! I always try and make it all nice again with off topic posts. Like yesterday Alpine and some dude was having an argument bout who was most mentally negligent and I used my negotiating skills to twist it into a discussion bout if Whitey Grandad likes anal sex. It sounds like nothing, but I tell you i totally talked them poor souls down off the ledge! Before long it was all hands across the water.

 

I should be in the U.N. / nobel peace prize

 

Indeed Bearsy, you and Mother Teresa share a comon bond... although Bonding with Mother T in the context of 50 shades is perhaps not something i want embedded in my mind going forward..

[Frank's cousin]

Frank, is it getting messy over there? Don't think I could face the usual suspects saying the usual things in their usual snide, negative way.

I'll just pop in here and the PTS..

 

It is messy... sae as always, I am just shocked that its taken me so long to recognise the last vestiges of sanity remain in Bearsy's threads and the PTS.. nutjobs one and all, but far more agreeable

[Bearsy]

50 Shades of Grey: Chapter 14

 

For the first time in her 21 years Anastasia Steele has a sex dream. I know what you're thinking, you're thinking I'm making this sh!t up but I swear that's what the b!tch just said! She's at her absolute dumbest at this moment, she's like wait, who took off my manacles, how did i get in this room... hold on is it possible that was a dream? Is it possible that I just had a dream about sex? It's tortuous how long it takes the b!tch to figure this simple fact out. We've all had dreams you ****ing dumb b!tch you don't need to explain the concept! "I was seeing like pictures in my mind but they weren't real!"

 

"What is this? Why am I wet? Is it possible that I just had a wet dream? It's bewildering. I had no idea I could orgasm in my sleep."

 

I hadn't thought bout this before. Is this common for girls? I used to have the wet dreams when i was like 12 or whatever, but it never occurred to me that b!tches have them too. They never mention it. To be honest I think it more likely she p!ssed herself but I will make investigations bout this and let you know.

 

We then find out she's wearing Christian's jacket. This makes me lol! Good luck getting the vag juice out your jacket Christian!

 

Ray, it turns out, is the step dad what taught her the difference between a hawk and a handsaw. He already has my respect, teaching this b!tch complicated concepts like that must have been a real man's job. He's coming to her gaff cos the university thing is today when they give you the square hats. I seem to recall that Christian Grey was sposed to be handing the hats out so i spose he'll be along in a bit.

 

She bangs on a lot bout how much she loves this Ray character, but then the first thing she does is mug him off to me saying bout his ill-fitting suit. Stuck up b!tch.

 

So they go to the university for the square hat ceremony. Here is what she has to say next:

 

"I make my way to seat amongst my fellow students whose Surname also begin with S. I am in the second row."

 

Does this strike you as odd? I mean making them sit alphabetically and they putting the S's in the second row. It strikes me as odd! But then so many dumb things is happening in this book that I barely raise an eyebrow anymore. I'm like yeah whatever, she goes to a special school where S is the second letter in the alphabet. I'm not even surprised.

 

Christian Grey turns up on stage, he's wearing the bondage neck-tie which I'm appreciating. Some of the other girls is chatting bout how hot he is, so Anastasia is telling them he's gay. Lol. He makes a dumb speech bout how he's going to eliminate world hunger, as you do, and he's mentioning that he knows what it's like to be hungry. I'm with him. Sometimes I'm hungry. Anastasia however, I don't know if it's cos in her 21 years she's never missed a meal but she's reacting like he just spent 6 years in a lebanese prison camp. She's like "I swallow, my heart constricting at the thought of a hungry, gray eyed toddler. Oh no.". Alright love. Calm down. Have a Mars Bar.

 

There's a whole dumb thing going on now cos he's moaning at her for not returning his emails and phone messages and she's like "Oh I haven't been checking my phone" and he's like "I was worried bout you driving home in that sh!t car" and she's like "Oh you should have called." I DID FVVCKING CALL YOU DUMB B!TCH WE WAS JUST SAYING HOW I CALLED BUT YOU AIN'T ANSWERING YOUR PHONE FFS! I can see this conversation is going on all night so I skip forward a couple of pages, just in time to catch him mugging her off proper. Someone's asking something and someone's like "I don't know," and she's like "Me neither," and Christian Grey is lolling, "You don't know much." Burn!

[Dibden Purlieu Saint]

She cannot be that stupid, surely.

[Tokyo-Saint]

She should be reported.

[dubai_phil]

In a 100 years time, when Historians dig up the time capsule that TSW gets buried in, they will uncover two critical moments in history recorded for posterity.

 

Of course the main one that they will drool over will be the PTS.

 

But, they will also note this epic thread. No, not for it's services to Literarcy, nor even for containing the most perfect prose ever wrote in a Review.

 

They will note this thread as the one where Frank's Cousin finally got down to less than one typo per 4 lines of posting.

 

Amazing how increased Blood Circlulation can improve the performance of the human brain.

 

 

 

(note that was my attempt to distract myself from a Domestic HORROR moment that I uncovered by accident today).

 

I was just finishing packing the wheelie bags for our trip home for Eid & to watch Bale muller Clyne on Sunday when I found in FMDP's bag......

 

The Book.....

 

Oh crap