Jump to content

Bearsy Investigates: 50 Shades Of Grey

Bearsy

By Bearsy,
in The Muppet Show

 Share

Recommended Posts

Bearsy

Bearsy

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Cheers bro, I feel like I'm taking one for the team here! The last 3 chapters have been boring as fvvck. Just the virgin and the dude sitting round chatting mostly, and I'm at a stage now where i ain't evn hardly reading them bits, soon as b!tch opens her mouth I skip on to the next paragraph. I'm hoping things pick up a bit when she is getting railed! It can't be long now!

Link to comment
Share on other sites
saintbletch

saintbletch

Posted
Posted
Alright I've had a little sleep, cleared the ole head, I'm gonna plough on!

 

50 Shades of Grey: Chapter 7

 

Christian Grey invites the virgin to see his "playroom".

 

"You want to play X-Box?" she says and I'm just congratulating her on her first funny till it turns out b!tch is serious.

 

We had a playroom when i was a kid, it was mostly toys and crayons but i'm picturing something a bit different. I'd be right!

 

Here is the stuff in Christian Grey's "playroom"

1 x Man sized wooden crucifix with manacles

1 x 8 foot square suspended iron grid with assorted ropes, chains and shackles

2 x Curtain poles

Lots x paddles, whips, riding crops

1 x flogger (this we learn is like a cat o nine tails)

1 x chest of drawers

1 x leather bench

12 x wooden canes (various sizes)

1 x table

2 x stools

1 x bed (no duvet)

1 x Sofa curiously positioned in the middle of the room facing the bed

 

2 stools?

 

I guess the last 'guest' in the room reneged on the contract's dietary clause.

Link to comment
Share on other sites
saintbletch

saintbletch

Posted
Posted

 

I stayed there on Friday night. My wife and I both enjoy Swing music so what better than a swinger's hotel I thought.

 

How wrong I was. It is the worst run hotel I've ever stayed at.

 

Firstly, despite booking a double room, my wife and I were shown to separate rooms.

 

Then it became clear that there had been some enormous mix-up because there was a woman in the room I was shown to and a man in my wife's!

 

I complained and left and I won't go back in a hurry. The wife's asked me to pick her up on Wednesday.

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Tokyo-Saint

Tokyo-Saint

Posted
Posted (edited)
That E.L. James is a belter though................

 

http://marieclaire.media.ipcdigital.co.uk/11116|00006259f|d650_orh100000w272_fiftyshadeS-LP.jpg

 

Perhaps one for the creative imagination to work on............... does the E.L. represent Extra Large?

 

Paul Stanley has really let himself go.

Edited by Tokyo-Saint
Wrong member of Kiss
Link to comment
Share on other sites
Bearsy

Bearsy

Posted
  • Author
Posted (edited)

50 Shades of Grey: Chapter 8

 

"I'm going to make love to you now."

 

Oh thank fvvck! I feel a bit cheated tho, dude has been saying all along that he don't ever make love he only fvvcks. Hard. But I'll take pretty much anything at this point. I know it's gonna be good cos EL James has broke out the dictionary. I've just learned that Anastasia Steele is somnambulant, whatever the fvvck that means.

 

First thing he does is pull on her hair. I'm on board with this, I'm a notorious hair-puller. Then he bites her lip. Then he takes off her shirt. Then he grabs her ass and rubs his boner up against her. Then he's licking on her belly button. Then he takes down her pants. The he smells on her vag.

 

"You smell nice," he says. Liar!

 

Then he pushes her back on the bed and takes off b!tches shoes and socks. This kills the mood a bit, but whatever. Then he's licking on her feet.

 

Then he's like "Show me how you pleasure yourself?"

 

B!tch is dumb. She's like "What do you mean?" I'm half expecting her to head for the kitchen make a sandwich, but then she cottons on and is like "Oh no I've never done that."

 

I dunno bout this. B!tches is always saying they never masturbate, but I've always thought they was having me over. On the other hand I've got this sex buddy tho and we're really open with each other bout stuff and she said she don't ever do it, and I kind of believe her. She's like, why would I? If I want sex there's a dozen dudes I could call. And she's right. I'm one of them! The virgin ain't got any such excuse, but i spose given all the other things she ain't ever done it ain't that much of a surprise.

 

Dude grabs her ankles and forces her legs apart and then he's licking her out. Then he stops on that and just starts thumbing on her nipple with one hand. "Let's see if we can make you come just like this" he says, rather ambitiously IMO. Good luck with that homes, I'm thinking.

 

But she does, almost immediately.

 

Then he's fingering her up and finding her nice and wet. Then he's getting his knob out. B!tch is telling me he's got a big one but i ain't sure I'm accepting her testimony. How would she know? Fvvcking virgin. He might be hung like a hamster for all she knows.

 

He puts a condom on it. Clearly he ain't quite into her I'm A Virgin story. Still, I wouldn't of been sheathing it. Everyone knows I've got a "latex allergy". You can ask anyone.

 

I was interested to learn bout his technique for breaking in a virgin. Would he go for the gentle ease up against the hymen? Would he fvvck! Boom! he goes as he slams into her vag "ripping through my virginity".

 

"You're so tight baby". I use that line myself! B!tches like to hear that, also when they tell it to their mates, their mates are thinking unlikely cos they know b!tch is slack so they is just assuming i have big penis.

 

He's pounding away like a good 'un now. Don't blame him. This is my favourite bit too!

 

I'm then turning the page and immediately having to abandon this investigations. Something extremely dramatic has happened! On the second page, bout halfway down, there is a distinct and interesting stain!

 

Dudes what have been with me with the start may recall I confiscated this particular volume from a girl's bedroom. I am immediately picturing the scene! I can see hannah, relaxing back on her bed, casually perusing the book with one hand, casually perusing her vag with the other. Then she is finding it time to turn the page and this being a two hand operation she is extracting her fingers from her vag and she is applying them to the text, inadvertantly submitting a thump-print of delicious vag juice into evidence! Either that or she is spilling her lemonade.

 

I'm submitting this stain to further investigation. I've got my eye bout a half inch from it, but I ain't detecting an awful lot. Why ain't I got a magnifying glass or electron microscope or something? I'm sniffing on it. Not detecting anything much, I'm ashamed to say I'm giving it the lick. Interesting. Vaguely fruity. Maybe a little bit meaty. I'm calling it vag juice! I prefer to think of it as vag juice!

 

So.... when dude shoots his load he's shouting out her name. I mean ok if you like it. I prefer to be like "Boom! Fire in the hole!"

 

We're finding now that he "empties himself inside me". I'm wondering bout this, given the condom. I guess after he shoots he takes it off and pours it down her vag. It's a classy move, I might try it myself!

 

B!tch is in some pain at this point. Dude don't care. He's like "turn on your front". He lies on top of her. He's then pulling on her hair and sticking her from behind. I don't think it's bumhole, I think we're still in the vag. He's reaching around and fingering her cl!t then he's making b!tch taste it. "I want you sore baby, every time you move tomorrow you think of me."

 

Job done. Dude finds he's got blood all over his sheets. I fvvcking warned you homes!

 

She's all like romantic and is trying to pet on him or whatever. He tells her to fvvck off cos he wants to have a sleep. Lol.

 

That was pretty sweet!

 

I'm off to call hannah.

Edited by Bearsy
Link to comment
Share on other sites
saintbletch

saintbletch

Posted
Posted

Excellent work bear.

 

I love the way that for 7 chapters the lurking masses have been slowly rubbing themselves into a bear-obsessed, mutual-masturbatory tantric climax.

 

We've had lurker comments like:

 

"Keep going Bearsy"

 

"Best vvank, oh, I mean best thread ever"

 

"Thanks Bearsy, you've helped to solve a problem I've had with my wife for years. It's hard, to know how to thank you"

 

"Dear Bearsy, I've met this girl and things have been going really well but now...."

 

"One more Chapter before 'bed' Bearsy"

 

and

 

"It's...hard...to...read...this...when...the...screen...is...going...up...and...down...at...roughly...2Hz...but...don't...stop...Bearsy..."

 

But now that the bear has shared the first serving of meat from the book, the latest "Learn to vvank with Bearsy" episode has broken the spell.

 

There's just the normal bear/Toke tumble weed here now.

 

Where are all the self-flagellatory posts?

 

Either we've had what psychologists somewhat ironically refer to as the "Did you see the Bear's game last week" reaction, or the incidents of keyboard failure through 'moisture' in and around the SO postal district were the highest on record last night.

Link to comment
Share on other sites
bpsaint

bpsaint

Posted
Posted

Bearsy that review of Chapter 8 is by far and wide one of the funniest things I've ever read in my life. What's more one of the office birds has asked what I was laughing at so I showed her, she was cracking up too. Think you're in there matey!

Link to comment
Share on other sites
saintbletch

saintbletch

Posted
Posted
^

Bletch is wrong! The lurkers are still here and posting.

 

The more lurkers around, the more people I can educate with the Japanese language.

 

But remember Toke. One swallow does not a relationship make.

 

You won't see any more comments from TMS lurkers they're all suffering from "did you see that Bear's game last night" syndrome.

 

They've shared something sexual with other men and they don't like it.

bpsaint is obviously bi-curious. Either that or he has a polyurethane keyboard cover.

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Tokyo-Saint

Tokyo-Saint

Posted
Posted
But remember Toke. One swallow does not a relationship make.

 

You won't see any more comments from TMS lurkers they're all suffering from "did you see that Bear's game last night" syndrome.

 

They've shared something sexual with other men and they don't like it.

bpsaint is obviously bi-curious. Either that or he has a polyurethane keyboard cover.

 

You're an enigma Bletchly (does that work as a homothing? too highbrow for the muppetshow? Not quite work? Bit of both),

 

One minute you love a bit of literature then as soon as we have a book review and a few lurkers come out of the closet, you are all ripping on them calling them bi or bummers or whatever.

 

Don't get me wrong, I am up for ripping on them but wait until they have at least posted a couple of times. For example Sue and Phil are fair game now.

Link to comment
Share on other sites
dubai_phil

dubai_phil

Posted
Posted

Pah it's alright for you regulars. I was hunting around to find my dodgy copy of Rosetta Stone English to Japanese learning software so I could understand wtf Tokyos was on about when I encountered the "Mystery of 50 Shades of Grey"

 

The book (what I bought FMDP as a present) had vanished from where she chucked it after one chapter (saying this is sh1t).

 

It was nowhere to be found. Panicking that maybe the Old Bill had done a search looking for things to throw me out the country for I looked everywhere.

 

And worryingly found it alongside the loo in the guest bathroom that my 24 year old youngest son is using while he stays here..

 

Am I wrong in thinkings that this is the sort of thing 24 year son should not have to read? Him being a surfer dude and best mates with Tony Hawkes and all that.

 

Does this explain where my woodworking tools all went as well? And all that banging from his bedroom in the middle of the night when the clubs close every weekend?

 

More detective works needed methinks

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Bearsy

Bearsy

Posted
  • Author
Posted

You don't often see high level main boarders like hypo slumming it down here ain't it? I guess it's true bout sex sells!

 

MLG is still number one on my most wanted tho! Someone needs to start a sexy thread involving stadiums, complete with incorrect factual statements.

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Tokyo-Saint

Tokyo-Saint

Posted
Posted
Pah it's alright for you regulars. I was hunting around to find my dodgy copy of Rosetta Stone English to Japanese learning software so I could understand wtf Tokyos was on about when I encountered the "Mystery of 50 Shades of Grey"

 

The book (what I bought FMDP as a present) had vanished from where she chucked it after one chapter (saying this is sh1t).

 

It was nowhere to be found. Panicking that maybe the Old Bill had done a search looking for things to throw me out the country for I looked everywhere.

 

And worryingly found it alongside the loo in the guest bathroom that my 24 year old youngest son is using while he stays here..

 

Am I wrong in thinkings that this is the sort of thing 24 year son should not have to read? Him being a surfer dude and best mates with Tony Hawkes and all that.

 

Does this explain where my woodworking tools all went as well? And all that banging from his bedroom in the middle of the night when the clubs close every weekend?

 

More detective works needed methinks

 

Is that the guy who is like the pompey version of MLG for football manager? What you doing buying him dirty books Phil?

 

Is Tony Hawkes a kind of tool? I just don't know any more.

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Tokyo-Saint

Tokyo-Saint

Posted
Posted
You don't often see high level main boarders like hypo slumming it down here ain't it? I guess it's true bout sex sells!

 

MLG is still number one on my most wanted tho! Someone needs to start a sexy thread involving stadiums, complete with incorrect factual statements.

 

There is only one way to attract MLG bear - get Turkish in here. MLG loves him, they are always chatting about stuff. There is now a Japanese thread on 3 of the main boards here and I only started one of them! I will infiltrate them and get Turkish over here. MLG will soon follow with all his stats and stuff.

Link to comment
Share on other sites
saintbletch

saintbletch

Posted
Posted
You're an enigma Bletchly (does that work as a homothing? too highbrow for the muppetshow? Not quite work? Bit of both),

 

One minute you love a bit of literature then as soon as we have a book review and a few lurkers come out of the closet, you are all ripping on them calling them bi or bummers or whatever.

 

Don't get me wrong, I am up for ripping on them but wait until they have at least posted a couple of times. For example Sue and Phil are fair game now.

 

I guess you're best placed to tell me if calling me an enigma is a homo-thing or not. But it doesn't smell brown to me.

 

It's not enigmatic behaviour Toke, it's reverse, reverse, reverse psychology.

 

As soon as I'd posted, hypochondriac felt magically compelled to post stating that he's still lurking. The pysychology got to him and he couldn't help it. He didn't realise that the hidden hand of Bletch was working him from inside - glove-puppet style.

 

You've seen my impassioned pleas for posters to return to The Muppet Show from earlier in the Summer. I love that we've got passers-by but I want them to introduce themselves and play with the bear for a while. Aside from your Japanese language classes, the bear is our biggest draw to get the main board types into TMS.

 

And as you say, I love to see people enjoying a book - even if it is by proxy and even though the subject matter is cl1t-lit.

 

It's great to see people all over the south of England (and suewhistle in Italy) stroking their cats and dogs while Bearsy reads stories to them.

 

It's become a bastardised version of the best kids' TV show ever.

 

Bearsy is Bernard Cribbins and he's presenting Jackaporny 5 days a week live .

 

Of course now I've had to explain the reverse, reverse, reverse psychology it's now reverse, reverse, reverse, reverse psychology. Except for hypochondriac who will never post here again - unless I want him to.

Link to comment
Share on other sites
bpsaint

bpsaint

Posted
Posted
But remember Toke. One swallow does not a relationship make.

 

You won't see any more comments from TMS lurkers they're all suffering from "did you see that Bear's game last night" syndrome.

 

They've shared something sexual with other men and they don't like it.

bpsaint is obviously bi-curious. Either that or he has a polyurethane keyboard cover.

 

I like to keep my keyboard jizz free thank you very much.

Link to comment
Share on other sites
saintbletch

saintbletch

Posted
Posted
I like to keep my keyboard jizz free thank you very much.

 

That is an attitude that does you great credit bpsaint.

 

If more people had sheathed their device last night, we would now have loads of lurkers coming out of the woodwork to post messages of post-ejaculatory congratulations to the bear.

 

So in fact, anyone that doesn't go on record to thank the bear for Chapter 8 pretty much owns up to either

 

a) drowning their keyboard last night in guy gloy

 

or

 

b) working through profound psychological issues relating to mutually masturbating with other Southampton Football Club fans - albeit at a distance.

Link to comment
Share on other sites
saintbletch

saintbletch

Posted
Posted
Come on Bletch...

 

Bletchley Park, enigma machine...

 

I guess the message was too coded to be a good homeo thing.

 

Very good Toke! Very good indeed.

 

So it did smell Brown after all. Now that's a homo thing on more levels than I can tell you.

 

I'll make a word-bore out of you yet.

 

Perhaps you could do the Japanese word boredom thing and I'll carry on the English word boredom thing.

 

Do they have homo things in Japanese?

Link to comment
Share on other sites
saintbletch

saintbletch

Posted
Posted
Could do bletch I guess. For example the word hanna means flower as well as nose. In the past few days I have learnt it also means American bird with big knockers. Must be a confusing sentence in there somewhere.

 

I wish you word bores would just shut up.

 

You're boring the crap out of me (not literally. Homo...).

 

So does hanna mean nose in both senses that we can use it? i.e. the facial appendage and the smell that something like wine gives off.

 

I'd always assumed Japanese might be a little literal for word puns. I don't know why.

 

I'll ask more questions on your thread as people are trying to vvank here.

Link to comment
Share on other sites
saintbletch

saintbletch

Posted
Posted
Yeah Let's move this over to the Jap language thread as people might start losing their stiffy if we carry on here.

 

Just to let you know, old boring Japanese men love their puns. I guess all old boring men are the same the world over...

 

Is it the convention in Japanese to use temporal adjectives such as 'old', before a pejorative adjective like 'boring'?

 

In my country we tend to do it the other way round.

 

But as you say, let's save this for the Learn Japanese with Tokyos and Hanna Minx thread.

 

I'm not going to be responsible for the erectile deflation of the lurkers on this thread.

 

Some of them have been polishing their glans for 8 days.

 

They've worked up such a shine that I hear tell that they can see their own faces in it.

Link to comment
Share on other sites
saintbletch

saintbletch

Posted
Posted
There is a very long embarrassed silence on this thread.

 

Bletch's comment could well be the online equivlalent of your mum walking in on you mid stroke.

 

I could see it coming. CB Saint. I could see it coming.

 

Did you see the bear's game last week CB Saint?

 

But don't worry, I have it on good authority that the bear is immune from such sexual doubt. He's tri-sexual, so we'll have a new chapter soon. Except...

 

The last thing we saw from the bear was that he was going to remonstrate with the other hannah about the slug stain he found on the page of the first 'bonings'.

 

What if hannah said to Bearsy, "bear, why don't you come over? I've got a room I'd like to show you, oh and I've got something for you to sign...".

 

I'm a little concerned for the bear. I think he could be trussed-up, clamped, whipped, shocked and penetrated in hannah's room right now - unable to review more chapters.

 

Either way, I think there might be another stool in the room after hannah showed him the barbs on the butt-plug she intended to introduce him to.

Link to comment
Share on other sites
saintbletch

saintbletch

Posted
Posted
I have no idea what Saint Bletch is on about, all I am interested in is hearing more about fiddy shades.

 

So you say Dibden Purlieu Saint. So you say.

 

But I'm impressed - it can't be easy typing with one hand and with a resonant frequency of 2Hz moving through your body.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
 Share
Go to topic listing
×
×
  • Create New...