Bearsy Investigates: 50 Shades Of Grey

[saintbletch]

Steady on Bletchy' date=' I detect that you are finding Sue' revelations of her evening with the American and the Barman fuelled by Barollo/chianti (depending on the quality of Sue's cellar ) erotic and mildly stimulating?[/quote']

 

Mildly?

[Frank's cousin]

Mildly?

 

Well I seee you as a man in control... and able to assess the potentially quite innocent evening of 'tasting' as various corks were popped into a proper context, and not vere off into a worls of smut and innuendo? Or am I being naive?

[saintbletch]

Well I seee you as a man in control... and able to assess the potentially quite innocent evening of 'tasting' as various corks were popped into a proper context' date=' and not vere off into a worls of smut and innuendo? Or am I being naive?[/quote']

 

Thanks for the character assessment Frank's cousin, but if anyone is bringing a tray loaded with innuendo canapés to this evening of tree-way oral exchange, it's you Frank's cousin.

 

I'm trying to ignore your phrases like "tasting as various corks were popped" and "the quality of Sue's cellar", but it's hard*.

 

I think the arbiter of the smuttyness or otherwise of the evening is suewhistle.

 

She simply has to tell us that the book contained pages of protective masks, plugs, grommets, clamps and the application of alternating or direct current, and we'll know where we stand.

 

*Homonym

[Frank's cousin]

Thanks for the character assessment Frank's cousin, but if anyone is bringing a tray loaded with innuendo canapés to this evening of tree-way oral exchange, it's you Frank's cousin.

 

I'm trying to ignore your phrases like "tasting as various corks were popped" and "the quality of Sue's cellar", but it's hard*.

 

I think the arbiter of the smuttyness or otherwise of the evening is suewhistle.

 

She simply has to tell us that the book contained pages of protective masks, plugs, grommets, clamps and the application of alternating or direct current, and we'll know where we stand.

 

*Homonym

 

But Sir, I was not in anyway attempting to imply that you were anything less than a man of high moral fibre - indeed I could see you as a Mr Ingles type, a Prarie house, or even a Sunday School Teacher - and not someone easily swayed by the hint of laced stocking, or Sue's erotic tales, so was surprized that you seemed somewhat 'distracted' by her risque tale and adventurousness?

[saintbletch]

But Sir' date=' I was not in anyway attempting to imply that you were anything less than a man of high moral fibre - indeed I could see you as a Mr Ingles type, a Prarie house, or even a Sunday School Teacher - and not someone easily swayed by the hint of laced stocking, or Sue's erotic tales, so was surprized that you seemed somewhat 'distracted' by her risque tale and adventurousness?[/quote']

 

Despite the granite edifice or stoicism I like to portray, I am but flesh and bone Frank's cousin.

[dubai_phil]

I learn something new every time I pass by here.

 

So it was Sue in the cellar and the shades of grey were really red and are a euphemism for AC/DC

 

Think I'm gonna stick to making sense of PST it's much easier and just lurk by for the reviews

[Frank's cousin]

Despite the granite edifice or stoicism I like to portray, I am but flesh and bone Frank's cousin.

 

Your subtlty is not lost on me Sir... I understand the weakness that can surface when tempted by such frank disclosure. But standing firm in the face of tempation is what marks us as men, surely?

 

I must admit, I am not sure which I am willing to assess more eagerly, Chapter 5 or more details of Sue's exotic encounter?

[Tokyo-Saint]

You've done it this time bear! The librarians have got a hard on.

 

Always a danger with a sexy book review.

[saintbletch]

Your subtlty is not lost on me Sir... I understand the weakness that can surface when tempted by such frank disclosure. But standing firm in the face of tempation is what marks us as men, surely?

 

I must admit, I am not sure which I am willing to assess more eagerly, Chapter 5 or more details of Sue's exotic encounter?

 

And your triple-entendres are not lost on me either Frank's cousin.

 

But are you staying that for years Pele was not a man until his very own pharmaceutical moses came down from the mountain carrying little blue tablets of 'stone'?

 

It is my view that men can still be men - whether we stand erect of slump flaccidly when someone is thrusting 50 shades of temptation into our faces.

[Bearsy]

You've done it this time bear! The librarians have got a hard on.

 

Always a danger with a sexy book review.

 

I know right! Is you struggling to follow the flow of their conversations? I ain't even sure if they're agreeing or disagreeing!

[Tokyo-Saint]

I don't know if they are agreeing or not but they are both 'hard' and talkin about popin corks in Italian Sue's basement or whatever.

 

It's like we are in prison bear and bletch is like fletcher and been here ages and cousins is the same. Anyway, you brought up the subject of porn and then hinted at jose Fonte raping or touching or something. They are there all thinking about boning and then the new guard (Italian sue) comes in (not a homo thing bletch) and starts taking about some time she innocently went home with 2 guys and suddenly they are aural sword fighting with each other (a homo thing bletch).

 

Now we have ladyboy Phil back as well as golfing Phil, its already getting confusing round here.

 

Btw MLG is playing hard to get.

[Frank's cousin]

Gentlemen, please rest assured, Sir Bletch and I were merely distracted for a short moment by the hint of some real world 50 shades over in Italy, but do not let this distract you form the task at hand - we need to know how this pans out for the sake of mankind. I can assure you, we are both fine upstanding gentlemen whose only interest in this torrid saga maquarading as 'literature' is to understand how populist culture can elevate the mundane to such highs and reward the meritless with commercial success, if critical distain... Bearsy you work is vital in contributing to such intellectual understanding.

 

I am sure you will mange to keep a tight grip on what is important.

[Tokyo-Saint]

I am sure you will mange to keep a tight grip on what is important.

 

He is definitely coming onto you bear. Not sure how you are going to handle this one mate...

Edited 12 October, 2012 by Tokyo-Saint

[Bearsy]

Maybe it's all the sexual tension in here since we had our first female poster... but I'm up for it!

 

I like how she drops her estrogen bomb and fvvcks off tho! I'd like to see her face when she logs back on and reads all bout Bletch and Frank giving each other verbal handjobs! I'm worried this might put her off sharing the details tho and I really want to see a new thread coming up bout "suewhistles night of shame"

[Tamesaint]

Maybe it's all the sexual tension in here since we had our first female poster... but I'm up for it!

 

.... I really want to see a new thread coming up bout "suewhistles night of shame"

 

Could this be your next task once you have finished investigating 50 Shades of Grey?

[Tokyo-Saint]

She didn't sound like she thought it was shameful Bear. I think she wanted to tell us. In a completely unrelated issue, are kebabs popular in Italy?

 

I liked how bletch was like grooming you, saying about you getting in touch with your feminine side etc, then Sue posts that and he drops you like a bad habit.

[suewhistle]

Steady on Bletchy' date=' I detect that you are finding Sue' revelations of her evening with the American and the Barman fuelled by Barollo/chianti (depending on the quality of Sue's cellar ) erotic and mildly stimulating?[/quote']

 

Well, a lot of these crap books depend on lists (she was wearing a Prada blah blah, with an elegant Gucci summat or other).

 

In that vein I'll continue. Can't remember what we had in the wine bar(s), but at my place we had a Feudo di San Maurizio, Vuillermin V.D.A DOC 2010; Les Granges, Fumin VDA Doc 2009;, Azienda Anna Denarvier "Naturel" vino rosso biologico 2011 (I think); and a Bregy & Gillioz "Reference" Petite Arvine Late Harvest...

 

That may have been over two nights, come to think of it...

[suewhistle]

... oh, and we left the barmen at the bar...

 

PS: The Petite Arvine was a white...the rest were red...

[Window Cleaner]

Well, a lot of these crap books depend on lists (she was wearing a Prada blah blah, with an elegant Gucci summat or other).

 

.

 

Shop and shàg novels are so 80s

[dubai_phil]

Well, a lot of these crap books depend on lists (she was wearing a Prada blah blah, with an elegant Gucci summat or other).

 

In that vein I'll continue. Can't remember what we had in the wine bar(s), but at my place we had a Feudo di San Maurizio, Vuillermin V.D.A DOC 2010; Les Granges, Fumin VDA Doc 2009;, Azienda Anna Denarvier "Naturel" vino rosso biologico 2011 (I think); and a Bregy & Gillioz "Reference" Petite Arvine Late Harvest...

 

That may have been over two nights, come to think of it...

 

I loves it when you talk dirty suzie baby

[kipstryker]

This lurker has potential... Tell us more kipster!

 

When I feel comfortable with these new surroundings of course. For now though I would be happier to lurk and hope I don't reach the end of the next review before the vinegars.

[Cheese on Toast]

I question whether Bearsy is a human or not

[CB Saint]

Has the bear gone out "rooting" and left us all in the lurch?

[suewhistle]

I loves it when you talk dirty suzie baby

 

Ah well, said American tourist knbew a bit about wines so I hoiked out a few good ones...

 

OK, I'm a bit short down in the cellar for you DP, but I have a few bottles of Brakspears remaining and some thirst quenchers from Jennings of ... no, I can't say it.. even if it's actually true..

[Tokyo-Saint]

What the fuks going on here? Look, you loungers is welcome in here but keep your lounge civility out. You are lucky bear is out tonight fingering behind whetherspoons or you'd all be facing fractions. Stop listing posh wines, stop being nice to each other and let's get back to what happened with the tourist dude in Sue's basement.

 

Golfing Phil, you must know some filth? Tell us about some time Tiger got ****ed and wiped it on the curtains or something.

 

NO MORE pleasentaries, this isn't the Lounge! **** taking or filth only please.

Edited 12 October, 2012 by Tokyo-Saint

[dubai_phil]

What the fuks going on here? Look, you loungers is welcome in here but keep your lounge civility out. You are lucky bear is out tonight fingering behind whetherspoons or you'd all be facing fractions. Stop listing posh wines, stop being nice to each other and let's get back to what happened with the tourist dude in Sue's basement.

 

Golfing Phil, you must know some filth? Tell us about some time Tiger got ****ed and wiped it on the curtains or something.

 

NO MORE pleasentaries, this isn't the Lounge! **** taking or filth only please.

 

So Tiger.

 

We has likes 50% womens helping with the golfing stuffs,so every year we had 4 or 5 fitehs working in the Tiger Team.When all the whole smashing the wheels up stuff came out there was a lolage txt going round from them

 

Utterly gutted, another great role model is found out to be nothing but another cheating bstd man. Just for once I thought here was a real gem,someone I could look up to. And now, nothing but heartbreak and remorse. Goddamit, if only I had known he was up for a sh@g......

 

But in honesty Tokyos the only real Golf and Sex stories are about golf in Thailand. They gives you a Caddy who walks round with your bag and cleans your balls for only a fiver for four hours. Downside is that they weren't like the website what I couldn't access they were all old enoughs to be Jimmys mum. Still, when it's 40C and your sweating like Avram in Horton Heath being chased by a NOTW snapper, any damp cloth will do.

[Tokyo-Saint]

So Tiger.

 

We has likes 50% womens helping with the golfing stuffs,so every year we had 4 or 5 fitehs working in the Tiger Team.When all the whole smashing the wheels up stuff came out there was a lolage txt going round from them

 

Utterly gutted, another great role model is found out to be nothing but another cheating bstd man. Just for once I thought here was a real gem,someone I could look up to. And now, nothing but heartbreak and remorse. Goddamit, if only I had known he was up for a sh@g......

 

But in honesty Tokyos the only real Golf and Sex stories are about golf in Thailand. They gives you a Caddy who walks round with your bag and cleans your balls for only a fiver for four hours. Downside is that they weren't like the website what I couldn't access they were all old enoughs to be Jimmys mum. Still, when it's 40C and your sweating like Avram in Horton Heath being chased by a NOTW snapper, any damp cloth will do.

 

I like you Phil, you're a nice guy. When I was up for killing Deppo, you were on my side. The thing is, you are the only poster I understand less than bletchy. I tried following you on twitter for a bit as I thought it might be down to th number of words but that didn't help. Im not dumb like windows either, just I lose interest quickly. I am remember, a poor mans Bearsy (TM SB).

 

Anyway, I guess I'll handle you being a muppet nowadays like a bletch, maybe I'll imagine you as Mr. Biggs to help me along the road. Ok, so:

 

Tiger didn't invite you into the bonings dispite him having about 5 fifties. This sounds selfish, if I was his mate, Id at least expect some shrapnel action.

 

2 - you arent happy with Tigar as you thought he was pure but actually he was a borderline jimmy S, depending on local rules (see lounge for details).

 

3) you went to Thailand, got a pro to clean your balls but she turned out to be not as fit as in the brochure? Trust me Phil, I'm not called Tokyos for nothing, I am well travelled and you are lucky is wasn't a geezer T-Ing you up. Ask other Phil for details.

 

Please confirm the above.

[dubai_phil]

Tiger didn't invite you into the bonings dispite him having about 5 fifties. This sounds selfish, if I was his mate, Id at least expect some shrapnel action.

 

Sadly very true. Equally (from a telling tales pov) he never boned any of the fitehs working at the golf. However, there was this stonking Blonde chick & her mate hanging round under a Palm Tree who I talked into coming sightseeing round the town one day. T'was only in the evening when I offered to show her the real sights that she pointed out she had to get back to her fiance

 

2 - you arent happy with Tigar as you thought he was pure but actually he was a borderline jimmy S, depending on local rules (see lounge for details)

 

Hell no, completely the opposites. We all thought Tiger was a nob (but at least he bought us beers & gave us enough signed krap to pay for our pensions).

Turns out he was a uber lad after all. Even bigger hero in our eyes.

Of COURSE we'd have made sure we lined up the groupies for him. Oh we used to get so many offers but we thought it was all part of the job to only test them out in the showers or the Bunker behind the 3rd hole and then give them a forged autograph. If we'd known he could have had our left overs.

 

 

3) you went to Thailand, got a pro to clean your balls but she turned out to be not as fit as in the brochure? Trust me Phil, I'm not called Tokyos for nothing, I am well travelled and you are lucky is wasn't a geezer T-Ing you up. Ask other Phil for details.

 

 

Really is important to have clean balls otherwise they just don't roll into the hole properly.

 

Nearlys. The fitehs work in the bars, their Mums apparently get jobs in funny places where you get soap everywhere.

 

Their Grannies work as Golf Caddies. On one course their Great Grandma came along and carried an umbrella to keep the sun off. Such attention to detail, getting sunburn could ruin a round.

 

 

HTH

[Bearsy]

i'm a bit short down in the cellar for you dp

 

 

#doublepenetration

[Frank's cousin]

You see I read that as innocently as it was obviously intended....

[Bearsy]

Word? I was only wondering if DP was Dubai Phil or Double Penetration! B!tches is always claiming to be short in the cellar for Double Penetration! No seriously guys... you'll have to take it in turns...

[Frank's cousin]

Word? I was only wondering if DP was Dubai Phil or Double Penetration! B!tches is always claiming to be short in the cellar for Double Penetration! No seriously guys... you'll have to take it in turns...

 

Looked to me like you knew 'DP' intimately enough to assess whether he was too large for a small cellar....

[Bearsy]

50 Shades of Grey: Chapter 5

 

B!tch wakes up in Christian Grey's bedroom. Someone has removed her pants. This happens a lot on tv and in movies, and I always think it's odd. They act like it's perfectly moral behaviours, like the dude is demonstrating his sensitive and caring nurturing side by sliding off her underwears. Oh yeah well i had to do that, it's physically impossible to sleep while still wearing pants! I ain't buying that, it's the pervy act of a sexual predator! All joking aside, when I encounter an unconscious girl the first thing I'm doing is not sliding off her trousers, and if i did it wouldn't be cos i'm worried bout sleep patterns!

 

He ain't raped the virgin yet tho, far as i can tell. I mean there's no mention of blood all over the sheets, but then i spose he'd know better than to rape a virgin in his own bed. I always put newspaper down first. You can't tell me he didn't mess with her a bit tho. As he rightly points out when she acts a bit annoyed bout it, she was either getting fingered by Jose or by him. Either way, b!tch is getting fingered. I ain't completely on board with the morality of this argument, but she seems to accept it and acts all grateful.

 

If anything he is mostly telling her off now. I ain't sure exactly why. Possibly amongst the things she ain't never done before is a bit of personal grooming. Dude has probably been coughing up pubes all morning. "If you were mine," he advises her, "you wouldn't be able to sit down for a week." Lol. This is what they call foreshadowing!

 

He let's her use his shower now. He don't even go in to watch. This is a mistake! Not from a perving point of view but when b!tches is in your bathroom they immediately start rooting through your cabinets and using your toothbrush and stuff. You can't trust b!tches!

 

When she comes out he's bringing her breakfast. He's being a bit of a cvvnt about it actually. B!tch only just got roofied last night she probably just wants coffee and bed but he's like "Finish your breakfast" and she's like no I can't and he's like "Eat what's on your plate." Or you won't sit right for a week. I've heard bout these dudes before. Feeders.

 

She's now flat out asking him to give her one. He's like oh no I can't do that, not until I have your consent in writing. Lol that's classic! I'm gonna try that on some b!tches of my own! I'll be like if you could just sign here, and notarise here, this bit says I'm going balls deep in your bumhole, this bit says my brother can watch.

 

They're arranging it so he has to show her something before she signs the sex contract. Fvvck knows what. It's obviously something more serious than his knob. He's gonna pick her up tonight in his fvvcking helicopter, but now she's got to do one so he can buy some spare bedsheets.

 

He gives her a tongueing on the way down in the elevator. "You've brushed your teeth," he observes. "Oh yeah, I used your toothbrush." B!tch!

[Seaford Saint]

Without doubt my favourite thread ever apart from the the thread which I think was called the Soul Cellar.

[PhilippineSaint]

Without doubt my favourite thread ever apart from the the thread which I think was called the Soul Cellar.

 

 

Sue is the one with info about all cellar related going on's

[Window Cleaner]

Bearsy researching for next week's episode

 

Edited 13 October, 2012 by Window Cleaner

[SuperMikey]

Apparently, this Uni student (who's never been ****ed or kissed) is a fat one according to Bearsy's very exact review, sort of like a 20year old roly-poly.

 

You rang, m'lord?

[ZepSaint]

You rang, m'lord?

 

See, problem here is if you were I bord I could start orderin' you about. Wash this, clean that, suck this.

 

But as you ain't, I'm not gonna.

[Tokyo-Saint]

I don't know what an iboard is or what apple are up to these days but I want one!

Edited 13 October, 2012 by Tokyo-Saint

[PhilippineSaint]

I don't know what an iboard is or what apple are up to these days but I want one!

 

It will be a new fangled thing for rubbing flat irons on

[ZepSaint]

It will be a new fangled thing for rubbing flat irons on

 

An iboard is something you flatten eyes out on, obvious innit.

 

Its the sort of thing this weird bird would probably like !

[miserableoldgit]

Recently I went to Tesco at Bursledon. As I entered the store there were cages with various special offers in. One was full of copies of "Shades of Grey" and another was full of cucumbers. Store manager with a sense of humour?

[dubai_phil]

An iboard is something you flatten eyes out on, obvious innit.

 

Its the sort of thing this weird bird would probably like !

 

An iboard. Wow you guys are so more advanced with technologys compared with us. Can you get them on Pay as you Go?

 

Been thinking of upgrading the Maid.

 

Do you need apps?

[Tokyo-Saint]

You can down load the 'suck this' app for 69p Phil. *

 

The iboard - this will change everything.

 

 

 

 

 

*not available in Arab states or Northen Ireland.

[Bearsy]

I'm going out in a minute, I'm specifically on the prowl for chubby virgins tonight! Watch out chubby virgins of Birmingham!

 

That said as Mr Grey ain't yet educated me how to seal the deal i may have to employ "The Jose". Hey babyface would you care for a margheritta? No? How bout a finger-bang? No? Well you're getting one anyways!

[Colinjb]

I'm going out in a minute, I'm specifically on the prowl for chubby virgins tonight! Watch out chubby virgins of Birmingham!

 

Well, in Birmingham you will find that they tick at least one of those boxes....

[suewhistle]

And they say _we're_ *****y!

 

Anyway, no cellar work last night as I'm playing footie this afternoon on a bloomin' big pitch, and although I have extremely fit legs (albeit a footballer and skier's) I'm not as young as I used to be (I believe that's the phrase to use..).

 

Rule 1: http://www.footballzz.com/estadio.php?id=8291 :-)

[PhilippineSaint]

Hey Sue has Alpine given you any tips on what you can use a cellar for I believe the Austrians are the experts on this kind of thing.

[Bearsy]

50 Shades of Grey: Chapter 6

 

I quite like foreplay. It's pretty sweet! I like how you is feeling her up and she is feeling you up and then you're messing with her junk then she's messing with your junk and then it's getting a bit samey so I start getting rough then she gets a bit freaked so I tone it down a bit then she gets a bit romantic and I start to think bout if the b!tch will make me a sandwich... what i'm tryin to say is no matter how sweet foreplay is there comes a point lets say bout chapter 4 where it's too much and I just want someone to get fvvcked already!

 

I dunno how EL James feels bout foreplay but I reckon her dude must be blue in the balls! B!tch can't get enough! She's been moving her dumb chess pieces round for 5 chapters now and i'm thinking surely EL James the time has come now for the bishop to mount the horse!

 

The itinerary as I see it is childishly simple:

 

Page 1 quick helicopter ride to see this thing that apparently she's got to see before he knobs her, I still dunno what it is, I'm thinking the decaying corpse of his last girlfriend or something.

Page 2 sign the sex contract.

Page 3 cowgirl!

Page 4 reverse cowgirl!

Page 5 doggy!

Page 6 piledriver!

Page 7 rear entry!

 

Then break out the hacksaws and sh!t can get real!

 

It don't seem to be going down quite that way at first. EL James seems to think I ain't had quite enough of boring conversations yet. She'd be wrong bout that, but what you gonna do. Here is the virgin and the stalker chattin bout music. This is demonstrating their compatibilities!

 

GREYS: My tastes is eclectic. I love everything from Thomas Tallis to Kings of Leon.

VIRGINS: Oh me too! What an amazing coincidence! I love Kings of Leon too!

GREYS: Do you know who Thomas Tallis is?

VIRGINS: No.

GREYS: Then how is that same you dumb fvvck!

 

He don't say that last bit, he “turns and gazes at me briefly” but I can tell what he's thinking!

 

One other thing that's happening is dude is getting business calls. That's fair enough dude's a businessman. Thing is tho cos b!tch is loving his every utterance she's reporting these calls to me verbatim and cos she's hearing only his side of the conversations it's all a bit meh! “They want two?... How much will that cost?... Okay and what safety measures do they have in place?... How safe is Ben Sudan?... And when do they arrive in Darfur?” I DON'T GIVE A FVVCK!

 

She goes back to her house and we find Katherine “Kate” Kavenagh has just knobbed Christian Grey's brother. I know what your thinking, that seems a bit random! It is. I'm mostly annoyed it happened off screen though. Just my fvvcking luck! I should have mentioned that he rocked up at the Weatherspoons that night with Cryptic Gay when they was cock-blocking Jose. The brothers name is Elliot, but other than that we know literally nothing bout him. I'm quite happy for it to stay like that.

 

Katherine “Kate” Kavenagh helps the virgin get ready for going to Seattle in Christian Grey's helicopter. She shaves the virgins legs and underarms. B!tch finds this unpleasant, but “Kate assures me it is what men expect nowadays.” Whadaya know... another thing the virgin ain't never done before!

 

They fly out to his gaff in Seattle. There are pages and pages of descriptions of his sofa and his oven and his fireplace and his table and his walls and his doorways. Guess what? I don't give a fvvck! He comes back with the sex contract thing and b!tch signs it without reading. This disappoints me! First think in the cvvnts house I'm interested in and b!tch don't bother describing it!

 

Chapter ends. They still ain't fvvcked. I've had enough of this sh!t. I'm hung over and I'm bored and all these dumb conversations is giving me a headache. You should have heard them talking in the helicopter. He was all “yes this is an EC135 Eurocopter. One of the safest in it's class. It's equipped for night flight. When you fly at night, you fly blind. You have to trust the instrumentation.” Seriously dude, shut up already bout your dumb helicopter!

 

I miss Jose. I wish I could read 50 Shades of Jose instead. That dude knew what he wanted!

[Bearsy]

Alright I've had a little sleep, cleared the ole head, I'm gonna plough on!

 

50 Shades of Grey: Chapter 7

 

Christian Grey invites the virgin to see his "playroom".

 

"You want to play X-Box?" she says and I'm just congratulating her on her first funny till it turns out b!tch is serious.

 

We had a playroom when i was a kid, it was mostly toys and crayons but i'm picturing something a bit different. I'd be right!

 

Here is the stuff in Christian Grey's "playroom"

1 x Man sized wooden crucifix with manacles

1 x 8 foot square suspended iron grid with assorted ropes, chains and shackles

2 x Curtain poles

Lots x paddles, whips, riding crops

1 x flogger (this we learn is like a cat o nine tails)

1 x chest of drawers

1 x leather bench

12 x wooden canes (various sizes)

1 x table

2 x stools

1 x bed (no duvet)

1 x Sofa curiously positioned in the middle of the room facing the bed

 

Here is where I'm learning my first important lesson! Dude has been quite clever bout this. If I just met a girl and took her into my sex dungeon most likely she'd be freaking out. What Grey has done is bore her into a stupor with boring conversations. Then he has fixed it so she's get desperate to be boned by not boning her when she wanted to be boned. Then he is making her think of legal obligations cos she's signed his contract. It wouldn't surprise me if he paid Jose to feel her up just so she felt obligated by him "saving her". Also, the cyclist. Also, b!tch is thinking it's a long walk back to Vancouver/Washington if she backs out now.

 

"In simple terms I want you to please me. I have rules and I want you to comply with them. They are for my pleasure. If you follow these rules to my satisfaction I shall reward you. If you don't I will punish you," he says, ominously fingering a curtain pole.

 

I like this arrangement! I can't see a problem with it at all. I mean, I ain't sure I could be coming out with these statements personally, I can't really picture any b!tch of my aquaintance not lolling at such a stupid sentences, but then I ain't been following the Christian Grey Method to the letter. Dude's a hero!

 

She's like "And what do I get out of it?". Me, he says, in all seriousness. Imagine saying that to your wife or whatever! Lols. But we've already found out this b!tch has no sense of humour.

 

He is now saying that after he's bum-fvvcked her with a curtain pole, b!tch is gonna have to go sleep somewhere else cos he likes his own space or whatever. I say it again, dude's a hero!

 

Ok, so it turns out that sex-contract she signed before was a not-telling anyone agreement. She's now having to sign another contract. To my relief, b!tch is gonna read it this time:

 

Obedience - she has to do what he says

Sleep - she has to sleep 7 hours before getting boned

Food - he's gonna put her on a special diet, and b!tch ain't allowed to snack between meals. It makes me lol he had to put that in there. B!tch is obviously a porker after all!

Clothes - B!tch has got to wear what she's told.

Excercise - B!tch has got to get her lard arse down the gym.

Personal Hygiene - B!tch has got to shave her pits and wash her vag out every once in a while.

Personal Safety - B!tch has got quit falling in front of dangerous cyclists/getting finger-banned by photographers

Personal Qualities - B!tch ain't allowed to fvvck no-one else

 

She agrees to all this no problem. It pleases me that this is what b!tches want! Whenever I've been going round suggesting that b!tches ought to get down the gym or lay of the cakes the reactions ain't been quite so favourable. I ain't on board with the bit where I'm having to choose her outfits tho, that sounds like a lot of work!

 

He's then asking what are her limits, how is she feeling bout him sh!tting on her or having his dogs lick her out or whatever, and she's like hmm i ain't really sure, i ain't never had sex before. This surprises him. Dude ain't so clever after all, I've been knowing she's a virgin since like Chapter 4!

 

And she still is, cos the chapter ends here. FFS.