Bearsy Posted 8 October, 2012 Share Posted 8 October, 2012 Hi Gays! So I was at a house party at the weekend round this girl's house, she ain't a close friend she's a friend of a friend or whatever. Anyways as I was conducting a search of her bedroom to see if she kept a vibrator i come across a well thumbed copy of the book Fifty Shades of Grey by E.L.James. When I say well thumbed, I mean the book had been well thumbed and also presumably while she was reading she had also been well thumbing her... what I'm saying is it's supposedly a very dirty book. That's what I've heard, I know a lot of girls what have read it. My mum's read it! They is all saying it's a very dirty book but I am naturally very sceptical of these claims - how dirty can a book be when you've already seen Anal B!tches 12 in live action video? It's just a book after all. Nonetheless I have confiscated Hannah's well strummed copy of 50 Shades of Grey and taken it back to my gaff for private study. It is my aim to investigate this book. I am gonna investigate exactly how dirty it is, and if we can use these datas in ongoing battles to get b!tches to do all the stuff that Jane Austens said they shouldn't. My aim in short, is to be the first man to read 50 Shades Of Grey. This is very dangerous for me. I'm an impressionable bear. When we had to read Jane Austens at school, by page 300000 or whatever I was positively ovulating. Nonetheless I'm gonna take this very serious. I am gonna read it very carefully using my eyes, and my brain, and my cock and balls. I mean, unless there's no lols then I'll probably give up after 10 pages. Your brother, Bearsy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jonnyboy Posted 8 October, 2012 Share Posted 8 October, 2012 http://www.saintsweb.co.uk/showthread.php?38800-fifty-shades-of-grey&highlight=shades Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bearsy Posted 8 October, 2012 Author Share Posted 8 October, 2012 50 Shades Of Grey: Overview Ok so the copy I've got here is in paperback. This is not a surprise, girls don't buy their books hardback, they're too tight fisted or whatever. The cover is mostly black and a bit green, not like you would imagine a shade of grey or whatever. It's possible the Shades of Grey is a metaphor for something. I will investigate this later. There's a picture thing on the front. After some investigation I have found this to be a close up of the knot of a gentlemen's silk neck tie. It appears to be a Half Windsor. I say that because it's the only knot I know. My dad learned it me. He tried to learn me the Full Windsor but I found it too difficults. I ended up with a knot the size of my fist and a tie that didn't reach down further than my nipples. From this we learn that the dude who tied the knot ain't very good at tieing knots. This may be important for laters! On the back we're being promised "Romantic, liberating and totally addictive, this is a novel that will obsess you, possess you, and stay with you forever." I don't like the sound of this. I don't mind reading it or whatever but I don't want it hanging round forever. Also, there is no mention of anal fisting in that summation. They missed a trick there. Could have boosted sales. If I didn't already know this book was dirty I wouldn't have guessed from the cover. There's probably some law against that. They probably sell this book in sweet shops, probably 10 year old girls are buying it cos they liked the twilight books. Jimmy Saville would bone in his grave. I have opened the book and learned that there are 514 pages. 514! It's all small print too. No pictures! I'm obviously tempted to skim through and hunt out the dirty bits but this is a serious investigation, and I'm gonna be investigating this filfth chapter by chapter. I'm gonna start in on it in a bit, after I've had my tea. I'm gonna start with Chapter One. Unless there's a prologue. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jonnyboy Posted 8 October, 2012 Share Posted 8 October, 2012 Careful, you'll end up like Michael Hutchence and David Carradine. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tokyo-Saint Posted 8 October, 2012 Share Posted 8 October, 2012 First time I ever heard someone say fisting on newsnight. I like it jut for that alone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bearsy Posted 8 October, 2012 Author Share Posted 8 October, 2012 50 Shades of Grey: Chapter One It starts of with a bit of first person narration. We know instantly it's a woman cos she's moaning on bout her hairdo. She goes on to moan bout some broad called Katherine Kavenagh of which we know nothing, then she's moaning bout final exams so we learn she's at university or whatever, then she moans bout her hair some more then she moans that her eyes are too big for her face which sounds grotesque. This is all old news. I already knew b!tches like to moan. It bangs on like this for a while. She moans bout her room-mate who turns out to be the aforementioned Katherine Kavenagh though that took some investigations on my part cos now we're suddenly calling her Kate, then she moans bout having to interview a "mega-industrialist tycoon" later today which seems to me a pretty clumsy introduction for what I spose is gonna be the first boning in the book. I've seen stunt cocks more subtly introduced in german porn. It's actually a pretty lame bit of exposition or whatever. In the space of one paragraph we're being clumsily informed that this stud is "the enigmatic entrepeneur and major benefactor of Grey Enterprise Holdings Inc" and a load of other guff bigging up how he's all powerful and important. I'm already investigating that she's gonna be a submissive. I've seen them pornos before. So she heads off to do this interview thing. Before she goes she bangs on briefly bout how hot Katherine "Kate" Kavenagh is and I'm investigating that their might be time for a quick bit of lesbian action but it ain't happening cos she's already off in her car. Apparently we're in "Vancouver, Washington". This confuses me. Which is it? Ain't they in whole different countries? The b!tch has given her car a name. She calls it "Wanda". This p!sses me off briefly but it turns out alright cos Katherine "Kate" Kavenagh lends her a "Sporty Mercedes CLK". I'm already investigating that this ain't gonna be a very well written book. Something bout how "the miles slip away as I put the pedal to the metal" makes me want to puke. So she rocks up at this blokes offices. I won't trouble you with her description of the building, it goes on for the next 3 pages. We do learn however that she is wearing a navy-blue jacket, skirt, blue sweater and knee length boots. Phwoar. We also learn her name is Anastasia Steele. Yuck. So the other b!tches in the offices mug her off for a bit, then finally she gets called into see the big cheese. She's banging on bout how nervous she is and... lol check this!... as she walks into his office she trips over and falls onto her hands and knees! I think I know what's coming, but he don't mount her straight away instead he helps her up with his "long-fingered hands". They have a bit of a chit-chat, this is pretty boring mostly and goes on for ages but i think the point is to dump some more exposition on us. She's wet for him already. He's well hot and conveniently well rich. He's 6 years older. He's gonna be handing out the whatever's at her university's graduation. His name is Christian Grey. By some extraordinary coincidence he's got grey eyes. Then she leaves. He don't even knob her first. In his defence when they was chatting she suddenly asked him "Are you gay?". No dude likes to hear that. That'd put me off my game too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
suewhistle Posted 8 October, 2012 Share Posted 8 October, 2012 then she moans bout having to interview a "mega-industrialist tycoon" later today which seems to me a pretty clumsy introduction for what I spose is gonna be the first boning in the book. I've seen stunt cocks more subtly introduced in german porn. It's actually a pretty lame bit of exposition or whatever. In the space of one paragraph we're being clumsily informed that this stud is "the enigmatic entrepeneur and major benefactor of Grey Enterprise Holdings Inc" and a load of other guff bigging up how he's all powerful and important. I'm already investigating that she's gonna be a submissive. I've seen them pornos before. So she heads off to do this interview thing. Before she goes she bangs on briefly bout how hot Katherine "Kate" Kavenagh is and I'm investigating that their might be time for a quick bit of lesbian action but it ain't happening cos she's already off in her car. Apparently we're in "Vancouver, Washington". This confuses me. Which is it? Ain't they in whole different countries? The b!tch has given her car a name. She calls it "Wanda". This p!sses me off briefly but it turns out alright cos Katherine "Kate" Kavenagh lends her a "Sporty Mercedes CLK". I'm already investigating that this ain't gonna be a very well written book. Something bout how "the miles slip away as I put the pedal to the metal" makes me want to puke. Never read it Bearsy, but I think you've probably summed it up pretty well... "I'm already investigating that this ain't gonna be a very well written book." It might be the couple of glasses of wine in various shades of red, but I'm laughing... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Deano6 Posted 8 October, 2012 Share Posted 8 October, 2012 I'm pleased to see Bearsy is channelling his English Literatures Degrees for the greater good of the forum! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tokyo-Saint Posted 8 October, 2012 Share Posted 8 October, 2012 (edited) Bearsy should investigate something new each month. So far what you done bear? Gays Taking *****es on actual dateS or whatever (not a investigates really but interesting all the same) Religion - bit short that one Is cheese titz dune or not? I helped with that one but we got it wrong. Bletch was trying to put us off though. What happened to dog and things people do to get banned or whatever. Now 50 shades, which definitely needed some investigations. Can it be seasonal? Like maybe do a guy fawkes one and then a Xmas one? Always a good read Bear. Edited 8 October, 2012 by Tokyo-Saint Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
svetigpung Posted 9 October, 2012 Share Posted 9 October, 2012 keep going Bearsy , dont give up , i'm intriged. While on me holibobs this summer every bint over 40 was reading this while lying on their sunloungers. Nearly every one of em. And it wern't the lovely milfy ones either. Only the dreary middle aged ones that have let themselves go. you know the ones that think Simon Cowell and Barlow are chunky hunks. So i didn't bother having a sneaky peek and looking for any "wet patches". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stu0x Posted 9 October, 2012 Share Posted 9 October, 2012 how dirty can a book be when you've already seen Anal B!tches 12 in live action video? I'm already investigating that this ain't gonna be a very well written book. In those two sentences you've nailed everything there is to know about this book. It's naughtiness for people who have never been on the Internet beyond Facebook. The author was one of those fan-fiction weirdos who used to write stories about Twilight characters until she was basically hounded out of their bizarre little group for making them too explicit. If it had been a guy, he'd be either in the back of Club International, or on the Sex Offenders Register. But it's a woman, so she's a multi millionaire 'author'. Image is everything. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dubai_phil Posted 9 October, 2012 Share Posted 9 October, 2012 Don't often pop on here but I have an anecdote for this thread. The world of Islam are a it "touchy" about things between unmarried people shall we say Every copy of the Sun (or FHM/Maxim) sold here has lots of big bold black marker pen lines over inappropriate pictures (ie Bewbs or people snogging) Movies at the Cinema are cut to stop unweds being seen snogging (let alone anything else) And yet 50 Shades of Grey is on sale in the local Supermarket let alone the local Bookstores. #confused Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dibden Purlieu Saint Posted 9 October, 2012 Share Posted 9 October, 2012 I have to say Bearsy, you are proper funny. Like laugh out loud funny. I expect hearing this will make you feel good. I'm glad, because you deserve it. I'm not gay by the way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tokyo-Saint Posted 9 October, 2012 Share Posted 9 October, 2012 Bearsy investigates middle eastern cultures or whatever maybe coming up in the new year Phil. Be patients please. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bearsy Posted 9 October, 2012 Author Share Posted 9 October, 2012 Thanks to them homies who is supporting this investigations! I've been a bit busy today but every now and then I'm thinking bout what might be gonna happen in Chapter 2! I was a bit underwhelmed with the lack of filth in chapter 1 but i spose when you think bout it pornos are a bit like that, you have to set the scene or whatever. Watching some dude fisting a skank is much hotter if you know it's cos she can't afford to get her washer repaired. I'm gonna read chapter 2 laters and will provide all the investigations. Have kleenex on standby! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pap Posted 9 October, 2012 Share Posted 9 October, 2012 Fifty Shades of Grey started out as a piece of Twilight fan fiction. It got picked up, they changed all the characters to different names, etc, whipped out the vampiric references ( and a whole lot more! ) and said "Hallo. Here is our new sexy book". The sequels aren't based on Twilight fan-fic though. Anyway, when Twilight et al came out I remember a lot of the broadsheet papers banging on about how Twilight was a metaphor for abstinence, what with Bella liking (supernatural) boys but taking a very long time to get around to any serious play. I can see that. Stephenie Meyer is a Mormon, doesn't drink, etc. She must be thrilled that her work has inspired another to create three novels chock-full of bondage and assorted sexual deviance, getting world's knickers wet in the process. If Meyer purposefully tried to program abstinence into kids through doey-eyed cross-species relationships, that plan might have backfired a bit. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pap Posted 9 October, 2012 Share Posted 9 October, 2012 Bearsy should investigate something new each month. So far what you done bear? Gays Taking *****es on actual dateS or whatever (not a investigates really but interesting all the same) Religion - bit short that one Is cheese titz dune or not? I helped with that one but we got it wrong. Bletch was trying to put us off though. What happened to dog and things people do to get banned or whatever. Now 50 shades, which definitely needed some investigations. Can it be seasonal? Like maybe do a guy fawkes one and then a Xmas one? Always a good read Bear. Please investigate the rumours that hypo has a girlfriend. Now, if you'll excuse me I'm off to slap the kids up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bearsy Posted 9 October, 2012 Author Share Posted 9 October, 2012 50 Shades of Grey: Chapter 2 EL James thinks I'm a right dumbass! I mean the events of chapter 1 only just happened but EL James seems to think I've forgotten all bout it cos she spends most of Chapter 2 telling me the same stuff again. This chick Anastasia Steele or whatever goes back to her gaff and talks the whole chapter over again with Katherine "Kate" Kavenagh. It's pretty dull stuff to be honest, but I can see why they is all gassing bout it, cos their other topics of conversation is even more borings. Here is a example of their typical dialogues: "Would you like a sandwich?" "Please." "What sort of sandwich would you like?" "I would like a ham sandwich." This is pretty much how I imagine b!tches talk when there ain't no dudes around. It seems very realistic. If there's one thing I know bout b!tches it's that they lack personality. At least the hot ones do anyways. We is then learning a bit bout her family and her place of work and the genealogy of her horses and whatever. There is probably a bit too much informations bout this, it ain't very interesting. One bit that made me lol is when she mentions her stepdad is a carpenter and he's the reason she "knows the difference between a hawk and a handsaw". I'm starting to wonder exactly how dumb this b!tch is! If it weren't for her stepdad luckily being a woodworker she'd of being trying to saw her floorboards with a ****ing bird! Then it's Friday night and this new character Jose is turning up at her gaff with a bottle of champagne. This is sparking my interest! Then we is finding out he is a photographer. This is sparking my interests still further! Then we is finding out that she knows he wants to bone her but she is keeping him in the friend zone. I don't like it when b!tches is thinking they can do that. I don't stand for it personally. I mean it's obvious that if she come out and actually said it weren't happening he would never bother hanging bout with her. It would be a kinder thing to do. I mean, if he's gonna sit around having to listen to her and Katherine "Kate" Kavanagh bang on bout ham sandwiches the least they could do is give him a little titty vvank or something to alleviate the boredom. The next thing is it's Saturday and she's working at her job which is a hardware store, which is presumably where she advises customers to cut their decking with handsaws rather than avians and then BOOM! That Christian Grey turns up in what seems to me a very stalker-ish move. They is obviously not having hardware stores in Seattle so he is having to come all the way to Washington or Vancouver or wherever the **** she lives to get his junk. She positively creams herself when she sees him, but she plays it cool and is like "Mr Grey, what can I help you with?" He buys cable ties and some rope. I'm not even joking. Cable ties and rope. I was half expecting him to be like "oh and have you got any gimp masks?" She's obviously a really sh!t saleswoman cos this simple transaction takes like 10 pages. I can only imagine the poor bastards queueing behind these cvvnts. I'd be doing my nut if i was trying to buy some nails or whatever and the dude in front is spending half hour chatting up the sales girl. Anyways it ends up that they is having to meet tomorrow to get a photo of him for the interview. It ain't a problem, she knows a photographer. She's gonna make that poor bastard Jose do it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dibden Purlieu Saint Posted 9 October, 2012 Share Posted 9 October, 2012 This is a golden thread already. Keep goimg and you could publish this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jonnyboy Posted 9 October, 2012 Share Posted 9 October, 2012 Is Jose a Portugese man? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tokyo-Saint Posted 9 October, 2012 Share Posted 9 October, 2012 Gray is Pardew! Is you investigating this Bear? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CB Saint Posted 9 October, 2012 Share Posted 9 October, 2012 This has the potential to be the greatest thread ever. Especially after reading some of the drivel being posted on the main board at the moment. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cheese on Toast Posted 9 October, 2012 Share Posted 9 October, 2012 This is amazing bear... keep going Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lazlo78 Posted 9 October, 2012 Share Posted 9 October, 2012 I popped in here purely by chance but will certainly be checking back Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
svetigpung Posted 10 October, 2012 Share Posted 10 October, 2012 pretty sure this makes more intresting reading than the effing book itself. keep it up , so to say... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tokyo-Saint Posted 10 October, 2012 Share Posted 10 October, 2012 Bearsy bring people to the muppet show, even got zigster to cough up some money and then still didn't tell him how he got rid of the bird (obviously killed her and sold the meat to the curry mile). Mods take note! You position at the next curry night is under threat. The bear is coming and he always brings a date. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ZepSaint Posted 10 October, 2012 Share Posted 10 October, 2012 Bearsy bring people to the muppet show, even got zigster to cough up some money and then still didn't tell him how he got rid of the bird (obviously killed her and sold the meat to the curry mile). Mods take note! You position at the next curry night is under threat. The bear is coming and he always brings a date. I'm presuming you mean me here ! And no, still waiting for Bearsy to tell us how he did it. By God though, he's doing a fantastic job on 50 Shades, keep it up Bearsy ! ( I know that ain't gonna be too much of a problem for you ) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Frank's cousin Posted 10 October, 2012 Share Posted 10 October, 2012 We need to keep him going - else he might lose the will to live having to read that stuff - hang in there Bearsy 'you 'is' doings mankinds favours' with this quality research - brilliant stuff:toppa: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tokyo-Saint Posted 10 October, 2012 Share Posted 10 October, 2012 Bear, As you know, I hate to criticise you or your investigations, however I am a little worried. We are so far just two chapters into this book and I am hooked so far. When is she going to get boned? Will he use the stuff from B&Q straight away or will he do missionary first and then build up to doing anal with a black and decor work mate? Will Fonte go nuts about having to take pics of them boning? These are all questions that need answering. Anyway, my worries is that the new football manager is out soon. I have seen you trying to have a conversation with MLG and despite him only answering in publicly available videos, you are still interested. Is there a danger you will get to about chapter 6 and then suddenly turn into MLG's love-god guy, Miles with the stinking creased t-shirts until at least xmas? Will you be too busy trying to sign a decent left back and holding midfielder to care about book bonings? Will we ever find out the answers or will it be like the b!tch that was staying at your house but we aren't allowed to speak about any-more? Your loving (non gay) BFF Tokyos Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bearsy Posted 10 October, 2012 Author Share Posted 10 October, 2012 Hi Tokyos! You don't need to worry bout that, though this book is in some ways terrible and I really couldn't stomach more than one chapter at a time I'm definitely gonna stick with it at least till I get to the filith! She is really dragging it out though. I'm starting to worry that everyone's been having me over and it ain't a dirty book at all! I don't actually bother with Football Managers, at least not the main PC one it's far too long and complications. I usually get the iPhones one to play when I'm having a dump but they don't bother bringing that out till like after the season ended when no-one cares anymore. Mostly, I'm playing a long game to try and recruit MLG for Muppet Shows. He'd be ideal on here - we need a straight man. There are no straight men in Muppet Shows. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tokyo-Saint Posted 10 October, 2012 Share Posted 10 October, 2012 (edited) Cheers bear. I completely agree about MLG but I don't even think he has ever come on here ever. I was once reading something on here and saw that MLG has posted on it. I thought it was really odd but then realised it was just one of those threads that the mods had got bored with over on the main board so had sent it over here to die. Maybe something you could look out for in your investigations Bear is instructions. You see I have seen from at least 3 different birds on facebook saying something like "men always say women need instructions well they should follow this book" or something similar. It is like their catch phrase. I wasn't interested enough about women's instructions to actually read the book but now you is taking one for the team with your investigations, I would like to know. So far, from what I understand, the instructions seem to be: 1) Be rich 2) Have grey eyes 3) Don't be a friend 4) Be into bondage So far I can do two out of four bear, which I think ain't bad. I am interested to find out more though. Edited 10 October, 2012 by Tokyo-Saint Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tokyo-Saint Posted 10 October, 2012 Share Posted 10 October, 2012 Thinking about it bear, I can also visit birds in DIY shops as well if absolutely necessary. However, I don't think this is one of the instructions, would need you to confirm. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ZepSaint Posted 10 October, 2012 Share Posted 10 October, 2012 I think we should all donate money to keep Bearsy in a good supply of KleenexTM whilst he undertakes this task on behalf of all of us. Would hate him to run out just as a boning comes into view ................. We could call it Bearsys Boning Fund or sommat:nod: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dubai_phil Posted 10 October, 2012 Share Posted 10 October, 2012 Reading Tokyos posts I'm confused. Is it Jose or his Misses that this book is about? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tokyo-Saint Posted 10 October, 2012 Share Posted 10 October, 2012 Phil - Jose is Jose in the book, they have made no efforts to hide this as far as I can see from Bearsy's reports. His bird is the bird that likes meat or whatever in her sandwiches and Christain Gray may or may not be Pardew. This is still being investigated. I don't think Bearsy needs Kleenex so far, they have only been to work and then a DIY shop. If that turns bear on, then he would love home improvements. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dubai_phil Posted 10 October, 2012 Share Posted 10 October, 2012 Phil - Jose is Jose in the book, they have made no efforts to hide this as far as I can see from Bearsy's reports. His bird is the bird that likes meat or whatever in her sandwiches and Christain Gray may or may not be Pardew. This is still being investigated. I don't think Bearsy needs Kleenex so far, they have only been to work and then a DIY shop. If that turns bear on, then he would love home improvements. Ah cheers for that. The only fiction I normally read are press releases in the News about pcfc so I'm not up with all this sort of stuff Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tokyo-Saint Posted 10 October, 2012 Share Posted 10 October, 2012 There is loads of anal though Phil, I am sure of that. Most of it local news stories about local schools and stuff though. Didn't that Neil Alen guy get bummed by Cortese or Sibley when he came to St Mary's or something? Must have been his Grey eyes and impressively large wallet though, as I don't think the Don shops in B&Q. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bearsy Posted 10 October, 2012 Author Share Posted 10 October, 2012 Is it Jose or his Misses that this book is about? Jose don't do misses no more, you're thinking of Rodriguez. That was a football and grammars jokes sponsored by Bletch! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CB Saint Posted 10 October, 2012 Share Posted 10 October, 2012 Hey bear Are you going to have a set time each day when you post up the next chapter. It would save me keep having to come back to check and it would be a bit like jackanory. "well gays, are you all sitting comfortably? Then we'll begin..." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bearsy Posted 10 October, 2012 Author Share Posted 10 October, 2012 W-wait... I'm having to read the ****ing book every night now? FFS! Nice of you to care tho homes! I'm sorry if any mainboarders is having to slum it down in the muppet shows to get their literary updates or whatever, you could always hang out in one of our many other amusing threads while you is waiting! Kind Regards, Bearsy Muppet Show Moderator (HONS) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cheese on Toast Posted 10 October, 2012 Share Posted 10 October, 2012 Hey bear Are you going to have a set time each day when you post up the next chapter. It would save me keep having to come back to check and it would be a bit like jackanory. "well gays, are you all sitting comfortably? Then we'll begin..." can't you just subscribe to the thread? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tokyo-Saint Posted 10 October, 2012 Share Posted 10 October, 2012 W-wait... I'm having to read the ****ing book every night now? FFS! Quit moaning get reading bear, "We is waiting!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bearsy Posted 10 October, 2012 Author Share Posted 10 October, 2012 50 Shades of Grey: Chapter 3 As I predicted the selfish b!tch makes poor Jose come with her to take these photos. They all go along actually, we've got Anastasia Steele, Jose, Katherine 'Kate' Kavanagh and for some reason another dude called Travis bout who I know nothing but I've already decided he's a bit of a cvvnt just from his name. Then ole Christian Grey walks in and I lol a bit cos he's only wearing "grey flannel pants". I'm picturing crusty, baggy y-fronts but this of course is America and she is probably meaning trousers. Anastasia is now callously mooning over Christian Grey in front of everyone while we learn poor Jose is burning enviously in the backgrounds. If I know b!tches Anastasia is loving this. They like nothing better than having people all jealous. After the photos she fixes it so she and Grey is going for coffee and no-one else is invited, even Jose who has generously donated half his morning to taking photos free of charge when he obviously had better things to do, and even worse than that she was sposed to be driving them all home but she now selfishly makes them get a taxi or whatever. Katherine 'Kate' Kavenagh tries to warn her off and that don't surprise me either. B!tches do not genuinely like to see their mates copping off with hot strangers, specially when they've got to cart 3 tonne of camera equipment back on public transport with only Jose and that cvvnt Travis for company. Do we know how old this Anastasia Steele is? I spose I should be in a position to say cos I'm the one reading the ****ing thing but I don't recall it actually being mentioned. She's in the final year of her university thing so I guess that's got to make her at least 20. Reason I'm worried bout this is cos when they're walking to the Costa or whatever he is holding her hand and she is casually mentioning in her internal monologues that "No-one has ever held my hand before." This strikes me as odd! I mean I ain't a big hand-holder myself, I don't see the point of it, it makes walking more difficults and if you is doing it in public you is looking like a bit of a d!ck-head or whatever... but still, Never? There must be something seriously wrong with her hands! I'm thinking she must have some disgusting skin condition or something. She did mention at one point her fingers were knotted and I assumed it was metaphorical or whatever but maybe it was literal. Maybe her hands is all mangled up in some way, probably a carpentry accident before she learned the difference between birds and saws. So they have a long and boring chit-chat in the Starbucks, mostly going over old ground so I can learn that all her family connections is still the same as they were in the preceeding chapter when I already had to read bout the ****ing things and then they is walking back and then she is doing that thing b!tches do where they is pretending to trip over so you is having to grab them and then she is looking into his eyes which I am amazed to discover is still grey but thanks for mentioning it EL James you fvvcktard and then she is dropping another horrific bombshell: "For the first time in 21 years, I want to be kissed" Is it just me or are you starting to think this b!tch is a virgin? A 21 year old virgin? A hot 21 year old virgin? I dunno bout you but all the hot girls I've investigated didn't make it to 16 without getting nailed. I spose her spack hands held her up a bit, or she might have been a porker in her younger years or whatever, but still this strikes me as peculiar! I'll let it go for now. If I know Anastasia Steele like I think I know Anastasia Steele the b!tch will be boring us with the whole story in the internal monologue of her next chapter. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tokyo-Saint Posted 10 October, 2012 Share Posted 10 October, 2012 Great investigations bear. I don't want to spoil it for you but.... Spoiler alert.... I have it on good grounds that this Anistasia b!tch is fat. This is why I think that woman like this book. If you notice, it isn't the fit ones that is loving it, it is the older ones who are usually a bit or a lot fat. I was going to put this in my instructions summary - must like fat birds. But I didn't want to spoil it for you. Now I've done a spoiler alert so don't feel so bad about it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bearsy Posted 10 October, 2012 Author Share Posted 10 October, 2012 (edited) Word? She's a chunky monkey? I'm surprised by this! B!tches with weight issues is usually bringing it up at every opportunity. Also, I'm yet to find her actually eating anything. When they was having a coffee he said do you want something to eat? And she's like "No..." but now you mention it she did find it necessary to mention every time he took a bite of his blueberry muffin. Fat cow was obviously regretting turning one down herself, she was probably snaffling up crumbs when his back was turned. I forgot to mention we is finding out Jose's full name is Jose Rodriguez! If she's trying to cover for Fonte she might have at least picked a non-saints surname! Edit: Also, i dunno where you're getting your insider infos but you don't happen to know when the filth kicks in do ya? You may have detected a slight bitterness of spirit in my review of chapter 3 but frankly I've done 48 pages so far and literally nothing has happened! Edited 10 October, 2012 by Bearsy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Frank's cousin Posted 10 October, 2012 Share Posted 10 October, 2012 Word? She's a chunky monkey? I'm surprised by this! B!tches with weight issues is usually bringing it up at every opportunity. Also, I'm yet to find her actually eating anything. When they was having a coffee he said do you want something to eat? And she's like "No..." but now you mention it she did find it necessary to mention every time he took a bite of his blueberry muffin. Fat cow was obviously regretting turning one down herself, she was probably snaffling up crumbs when his back was turned. I forgot to mention we is finding out Jose's full name is Jose Rodriguez! If she's trying to cover for Fonte she might have at least picked a non-saints surname! Edit: Also, i dunno where you're getting your insider infos but you don't happen to know when the filth kicks in do ya? You may have detected a slight bitterness of spirit in my review of chapter 3 but frankly I've done 48 pages so far and literally nothing has happened! Feck me, what you going to be like after 3 fricken volumes? Hang in there bro - this is necessary research and we is waiting for Chapter with bated breath - and Tokyo's with tissues Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tokyo-Saint Posted 10 October, 2012 Share Posted 10 October, 2012 Lolz bear, it's a goal scoring defender! She obviously watched the game on sat or maybe it was after the Coventry game. Seriously though, as I said, there are about 3 b!tches on Facebook that love this book (none fit). They have been doing updates about it for ages so I feel like I hav read this thing just without all of the fine details on sandwiches or whatever. Anyway, one of these birds is always putting up quotes and her favourite goes along the lines of Mr. Gray loves fat birds. I think it actually says "women of a fuller figure" but if I ask you if you want to hook up with a bird from my work and you are like "what's she like" and I say "she has a fuller figure", we both know what I am talking about. It's like if a bird try's to set you up with her mate and says she has big tits. We all know these are not big tits in a good way, more just like an overflow for her belly. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tamesaint Posted 10 October, 2012 Share Posted 10 October, 2012 I dont think I have ever laughed so much at a Saintsweb thread as I have at this one. What is more I am being educated at the same time. I hope you can make it to the end of the book. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Saint Garrett Posted 10 October, 2012 Share Posted 10 October, 2012 This is golden. I look forward to the next instalment. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
egg Posted 10 October, 2012 Share Posted 10 October, 2012 Agree with the above, it's a fine thread Mrs Egg (she's read a few chapters, but is too slim to be eligible to read it all) is grateful for an opportunity to know how the story unfolds. Hopefully other non obese women will learn of this opportunity to "read" this book and will tune in? Cheers Mr Bearsy, you're fulfilling a very kind public service. Keep it up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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