The Ramirez Off Topic Thread

[Spudders]

I'm playing Bigot Bingo.

 

I've got the racism and the homophobia.

 

Can holepuncture say something disparaging about women? I'm sweating here.

Hi paps, sorry to hear you got the racism and homophobia at the moment, there's a lot of it going round this time of year. Have you seen the thread in the lounge where Tim is blaming silly names on black people!

[Tokyo-Saint]

I'm playing Bigot Bingo.

 

I've got the racism and the homophobia.

 

Can holepuncture say something disparaging about women? I'm sweating here.

 

That's right up my street paps

 

[Big Bad Bob]

This should belong in the Crap Joke Suppository thread but as it is on theme and suits Pap's needs :-

 

"There is an Intelligent Man, Intelligent Woman and and Honest Politician sitting on a train, on those seat with a table. On the table is a £50 note.

 

Train goes through a tunnel, lights go out, when it comes out of the tunnel the £50 note is gone.

 

Who took it an why?

 

--

 

--

 

Obviously the intelligent man as the other 2 don't exist"

[pap]

Hi paps, sorry to hear you got the racism and homophobia at the moment, there's a lot of it going round this time of year. Have you seen the thread in the lounge where Tim is blaming silly names on black people!

 

I'm sure it's all above board and not actually an example of the ol' racism. I reckon Tim probably listens to Grandmaster Flash, so he can't be racist.

[Tokyo-Saint]

[video=youtube;V-Kl0SDidHI]

[saintbletch]

[Tokyo-Saint]

[SNSUN]

I've done a prediction for the bottom nine clubs in the Premier League in 2018:

 

Blackburn

Everton

Arsenal

Reading

Sunderland

Yeovil

 

Ipswich

Sheffield Wednesday

 

Grimsby Town

Aston Villa

York City

 

 

EDIT: Sorry, wrong thread...

[Bearsy]

"Robbie Keane Bulge Exciting"

 

"Beet Root Fields Vagina"

 

"watch where my daughter shoves this"

 

What is these? These is genuine google search terms people done that led them to my bearsyinvestigates blog! I find these infos fascinating! Sick bastards! Imagine their disappointment!

Edited 13 November, 2013 by Bearsy

[CB Saint]

"Robbie Keane Bulge Exciting"

 

"Beet Root Fields Vagina"

 

"watch where my daughter shoves this"

 

What is these? These is genuine google search terms people done that led them to my bearsyinvestigates blog! I find these infos fascinating! Sick bastards! Imagine their disappointment!

 

Someone looking for a hairy lesbian (No meat)?

 

Someone who doesn't particularly like "Root Fields" whoever she is.

[Bearsy]

BEAR'S GF: I used to have to deal with a woman through work called Holly Whitehead. She was so annoying! She wasn't based at our office but she used to ring me up almost everyday complaining about one thing or the other, and I was always the one who had to deal with it. So anyway, after a while I started to wonder what she looked like. There must have been something freakishly wrong with her to act the way she did! So I looked her up on google and Facebook.

 

BEAR: And?

 

BEAR'S GF: I couldn't find her.

 

THE END

 

This is why i hate birds! No bloke would tell a dumb story like that with no punch-line! I am so angar that I had to listen to that dumb story, that's why I share it with you!

[Bearsy]

We've got a new bird at work + I've decided that i want to bone her. There is one thing tho I've found out tho that she is v.catholic + goes every week to church + has a tattoo of baby jesus under her boobside (I have not seen this yet, I have got these datas through other sources.)

 

What I done today is, when I had my lunch at my desk + she was sit near me I said a little prayer first, I was like close eyes, clasp hands "Dear baby jesus, we thank you for this chicken legend with salsa meal that we is receive for our lunch, and forgive you ur trespassing, amen."

 

She didn't say nothing, but she give me kind of a strange look. Clearly impressed. I will step up this campaign tomorrow! Does anyone else know other things that is impress to catholic birds? I might tell her bout my "latex allergy" cos I have an idea they don't like wearing rubbers either.

[Tokyo-Saint]

I'm Catholic bear or at least I am supposed to be.

 

I think it is all about the rhythm & rhyme method.

 

This maybe useful if your prayers turn out to be answered.

 

[pap]

We've got a new bird at work + I've decided that i want to bone her. There is one thing tho I've found out tho that she is v.catholic + goes every week to church + has a tattoo of baby jesus under her boobside (I have not seen this yet, I have got these datas through other sources.)

 

What I done today is, when I had my lunch at my desk + she was sit near me I said a little prayer first, I was like close eyes, clasp hands "Dear baby jesus, we thank you for this chicken legend with salsa meal that we is receive for our lunch, and forgive you ur trespassing, amen."

 

She didn't say nothing, but she give me kind of a strange look. Clearly impressed. I will step up this campaign tomorrow! Does anyone else know other things that is impress to catholic birds? I might tell her bout my "latex allergy" cos I have an idea they don't like wearing rubbers either.

 

You're barking up the wrong tree, Bear.

 

I know Catholics aren't a big thing down there. You've only really got St Georges, St Annes and Springhill as schools. Up here, around half the schools are Catholic. I have met many Catholic girls. I wouldn't say many of them were too faithful to every tenet of the Catholic faith.

 

If it were me, I'd eschew prayers for salsa sarnies in favour of sexy talk, perhaps even as being as brazen as placing your boner on her desk. If she is a good Catholic girl, she'll try to save your damned soul. If she is a bad Catholic girl, you'll probably be getting a nosh near the water cooler by lunchtime. This is absolutely guaranteed to work. I see no downsides apart from possible arrest and criminal trials.

[Tokyo-Saint]

Oh forgot - god bless.

 

Say this after pretty much everything but especially when saying hello and good bye. My relatives and ancestors love this. Also don't say bad stuff about Neil Lennon.

 

Also say you got fingered when you were young but it was ok as it was the hand of god operating though local priest.

 

God bless

[Bearsy]

You are ideal tokyos! I'm thinking i will rock up at her church + be like "oh is you come here too? this is one of my favourite mangers!" I am worried bout looking like amateur tho cos I've only been churches for weddings and for when my nan died (of unrelated causes). Also i went once as a kid to help them carry the oranges with the candles in them. I did one time go to a Sunday service i think, as i recall it was a bit dry stuff the only good bit was when the priest man broke out a packet of Discos and some red wine + give everyone a refreshing snack.

 

Is there any other things i should know bout going to churches?

 

Edit: God bless!

Edited 19 November, 2013 by Bearsy

[Bearsy]

You're barking up the wrong tree, Bear.

 

I know Catholics aren't a big thing down there. You've only really got St Georges, St Annes and Springhill as schools. Up here, around half the schools are Catholic. I have met many Catholic girls. I wouldn't say many of them were too faithful to every tenet of the Catholic faith.

 

If it were me, I'd eschew prayers for salsa sarnies in favour of sexy talk, perhaps even as being as brazen as placing your boner on her desk. If she is a good Catholic girl, she'll try to save your damned soul. If she is a bad Catholic girl, you'll probably be getting a nosh near the water cooler by lunchtime. This is absolutely guaranteed to work. I see no downsides apart from possible arrest and criminal trials.

 

I'm in Birmingham pap! Check ur notes!

 

I will take ur advice tho, I will try + tell her bout my itchy bumhole, see if it gets her wet. Also the time I didn't have sex with a prostitute. Also when I nearly had a threesome. She will be loving these stories!

 

God bless!

[notnowcato]

I should be able to help here cos I'm married to a Catholic girl... when I was courting her I was like lets get pished and that. I always found getting them hammered was the way forward no matter what cult or sect they were from, next morning they would be like "what happened?" and I'd be all shrug of shoulders and bleary eyed. Didn't work with a joseph witness though, tough nut to crack thems.

[Tokyo-Saint]

Firstly god bless.

 

2ndly thank god you also did this at school

 

Also i went once as a kid to help them carry the oranges with the candles in them.

 

As mentioned before, I have not seen this on any songs of praise of getting a day off work thing since then. For a number of years, I thought I had been made to join a cult for a bit by the mental RE teachers at school. What is the cocktail sticks with raisins in candle stuck in an orange festival anyway? I am still not 100% sure if baby jesus approves of this one. If they ask me about it at the gates of heaven, I am going to be very unspecific with my answer. I am not sure if it is a deal breaker or not but I am not taking any chances.

 

Ok, more catholic advices from meant to be catholic.

 

1) your love of saints is worth 10 bonus points. Keep mentioning you love saints

2) learn all the words for little donkey - he was the hardest working catholic and most popular saint

3) Mary is gods mother not zeesus, she is also jesus's mother but he is son of god. Joseph is also involved but this is before Jeremy Kyle so no one is 100% sure of his involvement. But he was the owner of little donkey so gets rep points for that at least. The holy spirit is involved as well but I am not sure how. Don't worry, no Catholics are. I think they drunk it when coming up with the whole who is the dad cover story.

4) Celtic are the goodies, Rangers are the baddies. This is key.

5) gypsies are called tinkers. Sometimes naughty children are called tinkers or monkeys but not in a racist way.

6) Going to church is called mass. Remember this as in masturbation as both are wank.

7) Introduce yourself as Brian O'Earsy and remember to say god bless.

8 ) This might all sound like a pain but on the plus side, drinking and wife beating are fine - at most frowned upon.

[Tokyo-Saint]

Forgot to say god bless

[Bearsy]

I should be able to help here cos I'm married to a Catholic girl... when I was courting her I was like lets get pished and that. I always found getting them hammered was the way forward no matter what cult or sect they were from, next morning they would be like "what happened?" and I'd be all shrug of shoulders and bleary eyed. Didn't work with a joseph witness though, tough nut to crack thems.

 

Tks! I will put lacing her drinks with rohypnol, like you suggest, down as "plan B" tho. I do not want to waste my stocks unneccessarily!

 

God bless.

 

Edit: God bless

[Bearsy]

Firstly god bless.

 

2ndly thank god you also did this at school

 

 

 

As mentioned before, I have not seen this on any songs of praise of getting a day off work thing since then. For a number of years, I thought I had been made to join a cult for a bit by the mental RE teachers at school. What is the cocktail sticks with raisins in candle stuck in an orange festival anyway? I am still not 100% sure if baby jesus approves of this one. If they ask me about it at the gates of heaven, I am going to be very unspecific with my answer. I am not sure if it is a deal breaker or not but I am not taking any chances.

 

Ok, more catholic advices from meant to be catholic.

 

1) your love of saints is worth 10 bonus points. Keep mentioning you love saints

2) learn all the words for little donkey - he was the hardest working catholic and most popular saint

3) Mary is gods mother not zeesus, she is also jesus's mother but he is son of god. Joseph is also involved but this is before Jeremy Kyle so no one is 100% sure of his involvement. But he was the owner of little donkey so gets rep points for that at least. The holy spirit is involved as well but I am not sure how. Don't worry, no Catholics are. I think they drunk it when coming up with the whole who is the dad cover story.

4) Celtic are the goodies, Rangers are the baddies. This is key.

5) gypsies are called tinkers. Sometimes naughty children are called tinkers or monkeys but not in a racist way.

6) Going to church is called mass. Remember this as in masturbation as both are wank.

7) Introduce yourself as Brian O'Earsy and remember to say god bless.

8 ) This might all sound like a pain but on the plus side, drinking and wife beating are fine - at most frowned upon.

 

Tks tokyos, these is v.useful infos! I already knew some of them like bout baby jesus step-dad is called Joseph, but the stuff bout gypsies and masturbation was new to me! Do I have to take my own orange or will they have them already? I can't really remember how it went down exactly when I was kid, i seem to recall that bertie bassett liquorice allsorts come into it in some way tho?

 

Edit: God bless ffs!

[notnowcato]

Tks! I will put lacing her drinks with rohypnol, like you suggest, down as "plan B" tho. I do not want to waste my stocks unneccessarily!

 

God bless.

 

Edit: God bless

 

Absinthe is like a legal rohypnol - believe. You'll need a couple of lolly sticks and some elastic bands to keep things together if going toe to toe on the shots.

 

No Moses jokes about parting the waves if her garden needs some attention.

 

You could also hum a hymn, maybe something like "Walk in the Light", if she's not riding you like a cow girl by Friday I'd be very surprised.

[Bearsy]

Tks Cato!

 

One other thing i do know cos i read bout it in a book, is that they don't like it if you ask too many questions bout Jonah and the Whale. I will be trying to steer clear of this subject in particular! If anyone at the church is mentioning Jonah and the Whale I will be just nodding sagely and perhaps observing that it all sounds v.plausible.

[Tokyo-Saint]

yeah they are a **** band anyway bear, one half decent song and that's it. I'm not surprised the Catholics are hating on them.

 

Also, in 'mass' everyone seems to know what to say in unison when. I always think this is strange as I have no idea. People are like "peace be with you and also with you" and then something about "one god, they holly god, the father the son and the holly ghost" there are loads of these.

 

I guess this is what it is like when people go to football matches and don't know when to do wanker signs or air-planes when people miss or clappy bit about loving Southampton. I guess it comes with time.

 

God bless.

[Bearsy]

oh i remember that one, dude goes "peace be with you," and then everyone goes, "and also with you" in return. It struck me as a good gag. If I'm feeling brave I will try and get some chants going - It'll make me more the centre of attention + impress megans.

 

Edit: GB!

[notnowcato]

Sandals!! Get some.

 

Hymn for today could be the Marion Pahars song.

[Tokyo-Saint]

Yeah this is good advice, that Marian Pahars one goes down a storm.

 

There is also one about the breaking day or something. I don't know this one so well so generally just do a bit of beat box when this one comes on.

[Tokyo-Saint]

Take one of these along with you bear

 

 

Then when things get going the after party generally turns into one of these..

 

 

Then after a few drinks, one of these

 

[Bearsy]

my favourite singing one from school is the cum on all u faithful one. I like it in the chorus when you start soft and are like oh cum on all u faithful and then it gets louder like oh cum on all you faithful and at the end you get to do it right loud + shouting OH CUM ON ALL U CUNT FAITHFULLS FOR FUCKSAKE!!!!

 

I am looking forward to if they sing that one!

[Bearsy]

 

lols that is the thing! I had forgotten bout the ribbon! I will have to get some ribbon + try not to eat all the bertie bassetts before kick-off!

[pap]

Hypo is not going to pleased with you, Bear.

[saintbletch]

Take one of these along with you bear

 

 

Then when things get going the after party generally turns into one of these..

 

 

Then after a few drinks, one of these

 

 

I plan to forensically examine the final image, and if I find a nipple in plain sight I will report you to The Man and his team.

 

I'm pretty sure that the nipple on the left breast of the lady on the left is visible.

 

I'm going to zoom in and will report back a little later.

[Bearsy]

Hypo is not going to pleased with you, Bear.

 

Why what did i do?

[Tokyo-Saint]

I have posted more on this thread than any other before. I think my specialist subject is being a good catholic christian.

 

I am going to go an listen to some light house family and give some patronizing advice to someone.

 

Back later

[pap]

Why what did i do?

 

You used a word he didn't like.

[Bearsy]

You used a word he didn't like.

 

oh gotcha, i don't think he really cared bout that i thought he was just on a lol. There's a cunt in ur avatar btw. What is his name?

[pap]

oh gotcha, i don't think he really cared bout that i thought he was just on a lol. There's a cunt in ur avatar btw. What is his name?

 

Like when he talks about a girlfriend? Gotcha.

 

Bob Holness is a highly respected TV presenter among those of a certain age, Bear. I'll not have you mocking him or calling him a name hypo doesn't like.

[saintbletch]

Bear, you've been getting some pretty poor advice here.

 

There is only one sure-fire way to ensure sexual congress with the Catholic girl at your work.

 

It involves a church calendar, an inexpensive magician's trick and a red Sharpie marker pen.

 

First you consult the calendar to find some dates for religious celebrations, some you might recognise are Easter and Christmas.

 

Then what you do is arrange to have a drink with the Catho-chick in question during one of these celebrations.

 

When you get to the bar, you order water and two glasses; your temperance will impress her.

 

You then wish her "Happy x" - where x is the religious celebration in question, and you pour the water into the glass.

 

Only it's not real water, it's a magician's trick like this:

 

 

So as you pour the water, it turns into wine.

 

She will look at you with shock and a curious delight on her face. Her heart rate will rise and the blood flow will increase to certain parts of her anatomy.

 

She will then ask you how you do that.

 

You must then acknowledge the wine in the glass and shrug, holding your palms towards her and say "That always happens to me at this time of year".

 

Then, with your palms still raised, you use your eyes to guide her view to your palms where you had previously drawn two stigmata-sized holes on both sides of both hands.

 

By now she will think you are the second coming of the little baby Jesus and will be sufficiently aroused to be walking on her own water.

 

Never fails.

Edited 20 November, 2013 by saintbletch
Typo

[Tokyo-Saint]

I thought is was bletch

 

 

btw, just accidentally clicked on the first page of this thread. The mods really have to stop worrying about nipples slipping through the net or old wordsmiths reporting nipples and start trying to keep the off topic threads from going off topic. This one has alpine moaning about stuff and everything at the start.

 

bbbtw - What did Barry moan about before Ramirez signed.

[saintbletch]

Firstly god bless.

 

2ndly thank god you also did this at school

 

 

 

As mentioned before, I have not seen this on any songs of praise of getting a day off work thing since then. For a number of years, I thought I had been made to join a cult for a bit by the mental RE teachers at school. What is the cocktail sticks with raisins in candle stuck in an orange festival anyway? I am still not 100% sure if baby jesus approves of this one. If they ask me about it at the gates of heaven, I am going to be very unspecific with my answer. I am not sure if it is a deal breaker or not but I am not taking any chances.

 

Ok, more catholic advices from meant to be catholic.

 

1) your love of saints is worth 10 bonus points. Keep mentioning you love saints

2) learn all the words for little donkey - he was the hardest working catholic and most popular saint

3) Mary is gods mother not zeesus, she is also jesus's mother but he is son of god. Joseph is also involved but this is before Jeremy Kyle so no one is 100% sure of his involvement. But he was the owner of little donkey so gets rep points for that at least. The holy spirit is involved as well but I am not sure how. Don't worry, no Catholics are. I think they drunk it when coming up with the whole who is the dad cover story.

4) Celtic are the goodies, Rangers are the baddies. This is key.

5) gypsies are called tinkers. Sometimes naughty children are called tinkers or monkeys but not in a racist way.

6) Going to church is called mass. Remember this as in masturbation as both are wank.

7) Introduce yourself as Brian O'Earsy and remember to say god bless.

8 ) This might all sound like a pain but on the plus side, drinking and wife beating are fine - at most frowned upon.

 

Does anyone actually read posts that are this long?

 

Anyone want to summarise?

[pap]

bbbtw - What did Barry moan about before Ramirez signed.

 

You'll have to trawl not606 for that. Ramirez signed at the beginning of the 2012/2013 season. Barry began gracing us with his presence in November of that year.

[hutch]

There's a lot of people posting on this thread that definitely won't be going to heaven, that's for sure.

[notnowcato]

Does anyone actually read posts that are this long?

 

Anyone want to summarise?

 

I will attempt to summarise that texty post via the medium of google images...

 

[Bearsy]

Bob Holness is a highly respected TV presenter among those of a certain age, Bear. I'll not have you mocking him or calling him a name hypo doesn't like.

 

You've got it wrote behind his actual head! Dbl standards yo!

[Bearsy]

bearsy's x-mas miracle

 

tks bletch, i enjoyed this suggestion + cannot see a sinlge flaw, other than the technical difficulties in getting bar staff to serve me magic water when I order regular water!

[Tokyo-Saint]

There's a lot of people posting on this thread that definitely won't be going to heaven, that's for sure.

 

Is it cause they joined the christingle cult? I knew this was dodgy - plse don't tell god hutch

[pap]

You've got it wrote behind his actual head! Dbl standards yo!

 

I have never worked on the set of Blockbusters! I'm sure that subject image is just a clerical error and not something I snickered at earlier in the week when it was doing the rounds on Twitter.

[saintbletch]

I will attempt to summarise that texty post via the medium of google images...

 

 

Thanks pasmaintenantcato.

 

I'm assuming that you settled for the mug as you couldn't find any pictures of a vagina with Tokyo tattoo'd on it.

 

Merci.

[saintbletch]

tks bletch, i enjoyed this suggestion + cannot see a sinlge flaw, other than the technical difficulties in getting bar staff to serve me magic water when I order regular water!

 

'Welcome Bear.

 

I see your point. You'll have to see if you can hide lots of loaves and fishes under the table then.

 

That should do it.