Bearsy Posted 30 March, 2012 Share Posted 30 March, 2012 Dudes! There's someone in my flat! She's been here nearly a week now! What should I do????? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
This Charming Man Posted 30 March, 2012 Share Posted 30 March, 2012 Tell your mum to f*ck off. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pap Posted 30 March, 2012 Share Posted 30 March, 2012 I'm sorry, but that is 'bear-ly' (arf) enough information to operate with. Let's start with "do you know this person"? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Raging Bull Posted 30 March, 2012 Share Posted 30 March, 2012 Is it the fit 1 or the mercy sh4g who can't leave her phone alone, if it is the later text her you've got the clap! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dog Posted 30 March, 2012 Share Posted 30 March, 2012 Crouchy? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
This Charming Man Posted 30 March, 2012 Share Posted 30 March, 2012 Crouchy? Isn't Crouchy in some kind of Paedo rehab clinic? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bearsy Posted 30 March, 2012 Author Share Posted 30 March, 2012 (edited) You need more details! Edit: But you can't have 'em cos Bearsy get in trouble! Edited 3 April, 2012 by Bearsy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Raging Bull Posted 30 March, 2012 Share Posted 30 March, 2012 How is she repaying you? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hatch Posted 30 March, 2012 Share Posted 30 March, 2012 I'll take her. I can only offer a fiver though, and she is all mine . Unconditional. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ecuk268 Posted 30 March, 2012 Share Posted 30 March, 2012 Also there's a brown stain on one of my towels that weren't there before. Why would she do that? Is she marking her territory? Were you out of loo roll? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bearsy Posted 30 March, 2012 Author Share Posted 30 March, 2012 (edited) How is she repaying you? Edit: This post gone too! Edited 3 April, 2012 by Bearsy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bearsy Posted 30 March, 2012 Author Share Posted 30 March, 2012 Right, I've got a plan! She's here now watching tv I'm gonna go down the shop and I'll leave the laptop open on this page. If I know girls like I know girls she'll be straight on here investigating! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Saint-scooby Posted 30 March, 2012 Share Posted 30 March, 2012 Hogtie her and put it on xhamster....That will give us a better idea of the situation. HTH Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bearsy Posted 30 March, 2012 Author Share Posted 30 March, 2012 (edited) Edit: I've deleted cos I didn't post this post! Edited 3 April, 2012 by Bearsy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CB Saint Posted 30 March, 2012 Share Posted 30 March, 2012 Dudes! There's someone in my flat! She's been here nearly a week now! What should I do????? Is she eating your porridge? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ericofarabia Posted 30 March, 2012 Share Posted 30 March, 2012 Is she eating your porridge? Is anyone else stirring your porridge, or are you stirring someone elses porridge? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
buctootim Posted 31 March, 2012 Share Posted 31 March, 2012 She's taking up space that I require for other purposes. Is it Airfix kits? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tony13579 Posted 31 March, 2012 Share Posted 31 March, 2012 Is there a pregnancy test kit in her bag? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 31 March, 2012 Share Posted 31 March, 2012 Is there a pregnancy test kit in her bag? No, but there is an HIV awareness leaflet. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Saint-Fred Posted 31 March, 2012 Share Posted 31 March, 2012 Something that worked for me in the past was cutting holes in the font of all her panties when she was out to make them "crotchless". Wasn't trying to get rid of her but she left all the same so it seems to work! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Raging Bull Posted 1 April, 2012 Share Posted 1 April, 2012 I mean yeah I'm knobbing her obviously but that don't count, it's not payment, she's not a prostitute! Also I can still knob her if she goes home afterwards. It's a side issue! uv got to keep ur mind on the crux of the issue alexander, which is that I want my gaff back! She's taking up space that I require for other purposes. You're right my bad! Why don't you change the locks or is she agoraphobic? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Window Cleaner Posted 1 April, 2012 Share Posted 1 April, 2012 (edited) Elementary mistake Bearsy old man,for the first say month of any relationship always go to their place and do not,I repeat do not tell them where you live.If they ask tell them you're living with your sister/cousin/brother as a temporary measure but don't really get on with them etc etc.If you're undecided and they're a bit doggy you can even go to the lengths of getting an extra throw down mobile,you know one of those rechargeable things that foreign visitors get at the airport. And I always wondered why my secretary once told me I had a disgraceful attitude towards women,mind you she made Germaine Greer look like a bimbo. Edited 2 April, 2012 by Window Cleaner Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bearsy Posted 3 April, 2012 Author Share Posted 3 April, 2012 Hey dudes! I've had to edit this thread cos I was being too specific! In general terms, not being specific, if you was in your flat and there was another person in your flat and u can't officially tell them to **** off, what is the best way to make them want to leave while still thinking it's their own idea??? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Window Cleaner Posted 3 April, 2012 Share Posted 3 April, 2012 (edited) Hey dudes! I've had to edit this thread cos I was being too specific! In general terms, not being specific, if you was in your flat and there was another person in your flat and u can't officially tell them to **** off, what is the best way to make them want to leave while still thinking it's their own idea??? Easy one, get someone else in and start sh@gging her on the sofa whilst the other one is watching Eastenders on TV. Been there, done that. At worst you'll get a real 3 way. Edited 3 April, 2012 by Window Cleaner Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
svetigpung Posted 3 April, 2012 Share Posted 3 April, 2012 suggest using the "back door" entrance. She finds it disgusting...and leaves. She goes along with it...bingo. Hopefully "she" is not your mum. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bearsy Posted 3 April, 2012 Author Share Posted 3 April, 2012 Easy one, get someone else in and start sh@gging her on the sofa whilst the other one is watching Eastenders on TV. Been there, done that. She don't watch Eastenders. Does Hollyoaks count? I bet she'd just join in - i'd have my official threesome I suppose but as far as getting my gaff back It'd be back to square one! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bearsy Posted 3 April, 2012 Author Share Posted 3 April, 2012 suggest using the "back door" entrance. She finds it disgusting...and leaves. She goes along with it...bingo. Hopefully "she" is not your mum. Tried that already! I was like "are u up for a bit of Centre Parcs?" (I learned that one on here!) Backfired though. We're going to Centre Parcs next week. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Window Cleaner Posted 3 April, 2012 Share Posted 3 April, 2012 Tried that already! I was like "are u up for a bit of Centre Parcs?" (I learned that one on here!) Backfired though. We're going to Centre Parcs next week. Just leave her there then,that should p*ss her off a fair bit,forget your wallet as well, she'll have to pay all week-end.It's just a case of trial and error, see how far you can go before she ups sticks and leaves. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
buctootim Posted 3 April, 2012 Share Posted 3 April, 2012 Hey dudes! I've had to edit this thread cos I was being too specific! In general terms, not being specific, if you was in your flat and there was another person in your flat and u can't officially tell them to **** off, what is the best way to make them want to leave while still thinking it's their own idea??? So to recap for the benefit of the girl spying on him through his pc. Bearsy has a bint staying in his flat that wont go away (you). She's (you) there because he hit on her when she was having boyfriend issues and now hes ****ged her a few times and realised shes needy and dull (hence her boyfriend issues) hes thinking of how to get rid of her without losing access to her pants. Alexander speculated she was paying the rent in bj's which Bearsy denied. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bearsy Posted 3 April, 2012 Author Share Posted 3 April, 2012 sweet bejusus timothy loose lips sink ships bro! You'd have been useless in the war! Collaborator! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Window Cleaner Posted 3 April, 2012 Share Posted 3 April, 2012 So to recap for the benefit of the girl spying on him through his pc. Bearsy has a bint staying in his flat that wont go away (you). She's (you) there because he hit on her when she was having boyfriend issues and now hes ****ged her a few times and realised shes needy and dull (hence her boyfriend issues) hes thinking of how to get rid of her without losing access to her pants. Alexander speculated she was paying the rent in bj's which Bearsy denied. Nah but seriously though this actually sort of happened to me back in the late 70s.I had real trouble getting rid of my live-in.Had to go for the really risky exit tactic,suggest getting married, let her arrange everything and then pull out a couple of weeks before....worked a treat,gone in a flash,looked a bit sheepish in front of my family and friends though...but I got over it with the help of a couple of Easy Dorises. Hope she's not reading this though..probably not, lives in Bournemouth and doesn't like football. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bearsy Posted 3 April, 2012 Author Share Posted 3 April, 2012 I'm not ****ing proposing Windows FFS! What kind of advice is that! Also, you weren't to know, but her ex is a bit of a psycho by all accounts and I'm keen to get her moved on before he finds out where I live! I haven't got time to play the long game of arranging marriages etc. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
buctootim Posted 3 April, 2012 Share Posted 3 April, 2012 sweet bejusus timothy loose lips sink ships bro! You'd have been useless in the war! Collaborator! You insinuating I'm an Argentinan sympathiser or a Nazi? Dune and I want to know, because one is quite hurtful. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Window Cleaner Posted 3 April, 2012 Share Posted 3 April, 2012 I'm not ****ing proposing Windows FFS! What kind of advice is that! Also, you weren't to know, but her ex is a bit of a psycho by all accounts and I'm keen to get her moved on before he finds out where I live! I haven't got time to play the long game of arranging marriages etc. Well then I think you're just about down to 1-800 Hitmen as the only option.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
buctootim Posted 3 April, 2012 Share Posted 3 April, 2012 I'm not ****ing proposing Windows FFS! What kind of advice is that! Also, you weren't to know, but her ex is a bit of a psycho by all accounts and I'm keen to get her moved on before he finds out where I live! I haven't got time to play the long game of arranging marriages etc. Tell her landlord has found out she's staying there and says its in breach of the tenancy which specifies one person. Its a bummer, what an arsehole, but what can I do? I'll help you find a place to live etc... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bearsy Posted 3 April, 2012 Author Share Posted 3 April, 2012 You lot are all too crude with ur suggestions! I was thinking of something more subtle! Like for example if I cultivated a bad smell in the flat? I could hide a fish somewhere and when she objects I'd be like "oh that's smell is always here in the summer. I quite like it." Do you think that would work? Any idea what's the best fish to use? Also where is the best place to put it, and how long will it take to clear the smell out once I've got her shifted? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bearsy Posted 3 April, 2012 Author Share Posted 3 April, 2012 Tell her landlord has found out she's staying there and says its in breach of the tenancy which specifies one person. Its a bummer, what an arsehole, but what can I do? I'll help you find a place to live etc... I own the flat! Is there anyone else that says how many people can live in a place? Could the fire brigade say there's only allowed to be one person cos of the lifts and fire escape situations? Would that wash? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Window Cleaner Posted 3 April, 2012 Share Posted 3 April, 2012 and how long will it take to clear the smell out once I've got her shifted? A long time. When I was at ******** a government research place one of the lads got married. We took the nuts off of the rocker box bolts on his car,put a kipper on it and then put the nuts back on.After a few miles towards his honeymoon location the whole car was invaded with an abominable stench (or so they said). Took years of scrubbing and valletting to get it out of the carpets and seats and stuff. NB what about getting a couple of rats in,that might do the trick. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bearsy Posted 3 April, 2012 Author Share Posted 3 April, 2012 Hmm maybe fish is not the best idea. I don't know about rats, where would I get some rats? How about spiders - she don't like spiders! I could introduce say a couple of dozen spiders into the place and pretend to be one of those freaks who refuses to kill them cos "they keep the flies in check". That'd probably work! I could put some on her face in the night! I could wake her and be like "Look at all these spiders on your face! They clearly like you! Aren't they sweet!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
buctootim Posted 3 April, 2012 Share Posted 3 April, 2012 I own the flat! Dude. Bummer! She can claim palimony after a week together. You stand to lose half your flat. You need to find the Lord quick and take her along with you to Church three times a week to seek redemption (and an equitable financial settlement). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Window Cleaner Posted 3 April, 2012 Share Posted 3 April, 2012 (edited) Dude. Bummer! She can claim palimony after a week together. You stand to lose half your flat. You need to find the Lord quick and take her along with you to Church three times a week to seek redemption (and an equitable financial settlement). Indeed 1-800 HITMEN is looking better by the minute now isn't it. Anyway if all else fails you could always buy her a torch that cooks marshmallows for her birthday, no woman would want to stay on with anyone that zarb. Edited 3 April, 2012 by Window Cleaner Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bearsy Posted 3 April, 2012 Author Share Posted 3 April, 2012 Dude. Bummer! She can claim palimony after a week together. You stand to lose half your flat. You need to find the Lord quick and take her along with you to Church three times a week to seek redemption (and an equitable financial settlement). It's been like 2 weeks already! Does that mean legally it's like we're married??? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bearsy Posted 3 April, 2012 Author Share Posted 3 April, 2012 Should I get lawyer??? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Window Cleaner Posted 3 April, 2012 Share Posted 3 April, 2012 Should I get lawyer??? Only if she's hot with big norks and does sex on the sofa with others watching,you've already got enough stray women. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CB Saint Posted 3 April, 2012 Share Posted 3 April, 2012 How about sh4gging her mum / sister / brother and keeping her up all night with wild screams of passion. Unless she is a pompey lass, this ought to do the trick, Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
buctootim Posted 3 April, 2012 Share Posted 3 April, 2012 Should I get lawyer??? Good plan. Or a leech. What you need is a good infestation of something socially undersirable. I stayed in a house in China once when a water buffalo walked in and everybody ran away. Wont really work for you, logisitics and that. Maybe you could spray shaving foam round your cats mouth and tell her about that time it got bitten by a fox in France. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ALWAYS_SFC Posted 3 April, 2012 Share Posted 3 April, 2012 Is this "her" ? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pap Posted 3 April, 2012 Share Posted 3 April, 2012 I would experiment with different food and drink until you find the right combination to turn your body into a noxious fart machine. A combination of brown ale, steamed vegetables and sweetcorn pretty much creates biohazard conditions in Chez Pap. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Raging Bull Posted 3 April, 2012 Share Posted 3 April, 2012 Is this "her" ? Lol lol lol whos doing the bumming!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
saintbletch Posted 3 April, 2012 Share Posted 3 April, 2012 Is this "her" ? That's disgusting. If that girl needed the loo she should have gone before she put that dress on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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