Bearsy Posted 17 February, 2012 Share Posted 17 February, 2012 (edited) I kind of miss watching 24 - it was so deliciously right wing! so I think the time is right for a 24 movie featuring Jack Bauer! It would be called: 2 Jack is on the run from the US government. He's settled now outside Paris working as a goatherder with his new best friend and confidant Frenchie. One day Frenchie says to Jack "It'll be cold tomorrow". Jack recognises this as terrorist code for "there's going to be an imminent terrorist attack on US soil!"!!! He immediately tortures Frenchie to get more information. Frenchie dies under interrogation but under torture reveals he has family living in Paris. Jack steals a car and drives to Paris. This takes like 10 minutes cos he's speeding. Jack needs weapons so he calls on a arms dealer he knows and acquires a nuclear bomb. He tortures the arms dealer to death but gets no more intel. Jack visits Frenchies family and tortures them to death and they reveal under interrogation that they are muslims! It is clear their is about to be an imminent terrorist attack on US soil! Jack is running out of time so he sets off the nuclear bomb underneath the Eiffel Tower. He is in a lift car and is blown across the atlantic to the CTU offices. This takes about 5 minutes because of the nuclear wind. The new head of CTU is a Stupid Chief and he doesn't believe Jack about the imminent terrorist attack on US soil as he's more concerned about a recent terrorist attack in Paris which isn't even on US soil! So Jack knows he must be in on the conspiracy! And tortures him to death. This torture takes about an hour and 10 minutes because Jack has to do it real bad with electrodes and anal probes and stuff. Jack learns that the president is in Washington! The terrorists must be in Washington and Jack has to take them out asap! So he hacks into the defence system using his phone and fires a full nuclear arsenal at Washington this is successful and all the terrorists are dead! Jack has saved the day! FIN Oh also in the bits where Jack is driving there'll be stuff about his daughter being in trouble or something, but these will be boring and no-one will watch them they'll use these breaks to visit the toilet or get ice cream or whatever. . Edited 17 February, 2012 by Bearsy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pap Posted 17 February, 2012 Share Posted 17 February, 2012 My only worry with this pitch is that the Eiffel Tower has been done to death. Lois Lane had to be rescued from it in Superman II. Cobra blew it up in GI JOE. The nuclear wind idea is pretty cool. In fact, I'm loving the gratuitous use of nuclear weapons in this movie. A nuke went off in S2 of 24, and a power plant went into meltdown in S4 - but that took years. This pitch is practically loaded with nukes. One small change, if I may. Can Kim (Jack's daughter) be in trouble with terrorists that are sexual deviants? I've watched Kim in all sorts of trouble before, and not once has a ball-gag been involved. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bearsy Posted 17 February, 2012 Author Share Posted 17 February, 2012 thans pap but i'm not sure anyone in 24 has sex and i want to stay as true to the core of 24 as possible. i may need to draft in a sex angle to draw in the popcorn crowds though, i'll wait and see what the studio execs say. My main concern was that i hadn't managed to get Chloe O'Brien in on the action yet. I was thinking jack might need her help to hack into the defence system but then i realised he could easily do this on his phone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pap Posted 17 February, 2012 Share Posted 17 February, 2012 My movie pitch. Mini-gun - on a trip to a military museum, a mild mannered purchasing assistant is caught in a cosmic ray explosion while admiring a decommissioned mini-gun. Man and gun are fused. Further, the mini-gun mysteriously attains unlimited ammunition and will not stop firing. The film will track the exploits of our protagonist as he performs day-to-day functions, like going for a wizz. Much hilarity ensues when ordinary household objects/pets are obliterated into little pieces. The authorities are quickly alerted to the man who can't stop shooting bolts, and the third act of the film sees him hounded by tanks, helicopters and the like, chased onto a sink estate. During the show-down, our protagonist does the mini-gun business, blowing everything to pieces, including the workshy scroungers who live on the estate. On seeing the massive damage wrought by Mini-Gun Man on the poorest estate in London, Prime Minister David Cameron immediately pardons Mini-Gun Man. The film closes with our hero being sent on a Government-sponsored mission to the North of England. Now, I'm open to creative input from budding scriptwriters on this board, but I must stand firm on the following points:- 1) The sound of the mini-gun MUST be present and deafening at all times. 2) Bombastic patriotic music must be played during the sink-estate showdown, also at deafening volumes. 3) The film will never go more than five seconds without a piece of bloodied human fragmentation flying around the screen. 4) Dialogue to be kept to a minimum, as to facilitate distribution to other countries (Mr Bean did this to great effect). Grade A winner, in my opinion. Now where's my f*cking private jet, Hollywood? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pap Posted 17 February, 2012 Share Posted 17 February, 2012 thans pap but i'm not sure anyone in 24 has sex and i want to stay as true to the core of 24 as possible. i may need to draft in a sex angle to draw in the popcorn crowds though, i'll wait and see what the studio execs say. My main concern was that i hadn't managed to get Chloe O'Brien in on the action yet. I was thinking jack might need her help to hack into the defence system but then i realised he could easily do this on his phone. The most confusing thing in 24 is how everyone in S4 managed to pronounce Habib Marwan's name perfectly, and no-one said "how do you pronounce that, etc"? Also, I find it weird that Chloe can upload skidmarks from Jack's underpants, but seemed to have a problem transferring an incriminating audio file. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bearsy Posted 17 February, 2012 Author Share Posted 17 February, 2012 im assuming the mini-gun is fused to his penis? I had an idea for a romantic comedy once about a man who was continually on fire. It caused problems in his personal life and also professionally because he was a postman. I was going to call it "Man On Fire" but it turned out Denzel had got there first. I have several other mint ideas for sweet movies that I'll try and update over the weekend! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pap Posted 17 February, 2012 Share Posted 17 February, 2012 im assuming the mini-gun is fused to his penis? I had an idea for a romantic comedy once about a man who was continually on fire. It caused problems in his personal life and also professionally because he was a postman. I was going to call it "Man On Fire" but it turned out Denzel had got there first. I have several other mint ideas for sweet movies that I'll try and update over the weekend! To be honest, I was non-specific about where the mini-gun might go, but I love the idea of a mini-gun for a wanger. So many plot opportunities. Shaking it at the end of a wizz, getting a sudden and unexpected bone-on in a public place, causing an upward and deadly arc of fire! I like this addition so much that I am prepared to cut you in for 10% of movie profits and a whopping 50% of profit on any "toy versions" generated in the merchandising run. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bearsy Posted 17 February, 2012 Author Share Posted 17 February, 2012 You're gonna live to regret that pap! It'll be like when fox let George Lucas snarf the Star Wars merchandising rights! I bet when Toys R Us shift their 10 millionth Cock Mounted Mini-Gun for under 10s you'll have me in court b!tching that internet promises ain't binding! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pap Posted 17 February, 2012 Share Posted 17 February, 2012 The concern, of course - is the delicate balance between authenticity, profitability and the potential for lawsuits. Y'see, if we make the cock-mounted miniguns too plasticy, the kids will think they've been jipped. Who knows, in places like Gunsville, USA - there may even be kids who have access to actual mini-guns. They like that sort of thing:- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IutnN_LAMvI If we make them too realistic, we run the risk of recoil-induced genital mutilation. On kids! It's a knife-edge in other words, and we need to tread carefully. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bearsy Posted 21 February, 2012 Author Share Posted 21 February, 2012 Skillz That Killz One of our unmanned space probes crashes in an alien planet but unfortunately it lands on an alien princess and damages one of her 9 legs. The aliens aren't happy and think we done it on purpose so they immediately declare war on planet earth! Under intergallactic law wars between planets are settled by battle between two champions and the winner gets to keep the others planet as like a holiday home! We immediately start organising to find our champion and are looking at the Klitchko's and Vinny Jones when boom! on the day before the battle we find it isn't fighting it's actually going to be a street dance off! Everyone is trying to find George Sampson (played by himself) but when they do he's drunk in a whore house! He's out of condition! He's grown a beard! We get a mentor played by Jeff Daniels to train him and then he has to go to the interallactic street dance off. We can have lots of scenes here with him saying goodbye to his fans and everyone crying and stuff. The alien dancer is really good! He's got 9 legs! And as part of his dance he does the bit with all the mirrors which makes him look like there's loads of him which is what George Sampson was going to do! George Sampson doesn't think he can beat him but Jeff Daniels gives him an inspirational speech about doing his best and junk. George Sampson does his best dancing, but check this, the judges aren't loving it! George Sampson is pulling out all the moves but they're all like yawning and thinking about what to have for lunch! Then at the last possible moment George Sampson does that one move where he gets rained on and the judges are loving it! They hadn't even seen it before because they only watch Hollyoaks on TV. George Sampson wins for planet earth! But check this, while he was dancing he saw the alien princess and he's fallen in love with her so he says the aliens can keep their planet! George Sampson comes home as a hero but then gets executed by the government for being a traitor and giving a way a whole planet which was filled with oil. FIN PS - This might be a bit thin but I thought we needed something for the kids to watch while the mums and dads are watching 2 and Mini-Gun Man. PPS - I took the name Skillz That Killz from the inner city crew in that Dodgeball movie. I'm a bit worried about litigation so might change it if anyone's got any ideas? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pap Posted 21 February, 2012 Share Posted 21 February, 2012 I've just had to Google George Sampson to make any sense of this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bearsy Posted 21 February, 2012 Author Share Posted 21 February, 2012 You don't know George Sampson??? He's the world's greatest street dancer! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pap Posted 21 February, 2012 Share Posted 21 February, 2012 I doubt he's as good as Kevin Bacon in Footloose. He was in a town where it was illegal to dance, yet he danced anyway! He's a rebel, that Bacon. That's actually a very good formula for a movie. Put someone in a place where they can't do what they like, and have them do it anyway. Spice it up with some sexy people and kicking tunes, then simply stand back and watch the cash roll in. Look at how easy it is:- Anthony Worrall-Thompson moves to a town where it is illegal to cook. Synopsis: AWT moves to a town which has been entirely taken over by fast food corporations, who have their influence to pass ordinance banning the preparation of home-made food. AWT joins forces with guerilla underground Celebrity Chefs, who destroy the corporations hold on the populace through inventive cooking sessions held in secret locations. Eventually, the Chefs manage to smuggle well presented dishes into the food chain :- The corporations get wise, and send crack commandos into the area to flush them all out. The Chefs are presented with a simple choice. Scatter for safety, or stand together and fight. The Chefs join forces, using locally sourced seasonal vegetables to create the worlds largest Lancashire hotpot, which they boil and throw on the commandos. Fleets of executive automobiles stream from the corporate HQs, peppered with high velocity veal escalopes as they scream out of the gates. The Chefs secure the town, and the ordinance banning home-cooking is repealed. AWT is elected mayor by his peers, but retires in disgrace after being caught choring gear out of Walmart.* (*might leave this bit out) --- This sh*t writes itself mate. btw, I like your movie idea. Some would say that it's cruel to kill the world's best street dancer at the end of a film, but I think kids have it too easy in films. End of the Little Mermaid changed. And where's their Bambi, ffs? They're getting nine-legged street dancing. What more do they want? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bearsy Posted 22 February, 2012 Author Share Posted 22 February, 2012 btw, I like your movie idea. Thanks pap but you're being generous there I know we're definitely going to need a killer marketing plan for this one fortunately I have a flair for graffic design and have already mocked up a killer poster! Pretty sweet I think that should get them packed in! You'll notice I've made maximum use of George Sampson as he's the main box office draw! I have even come up with the idea of him playing multiple roles like Alec Guiness in Kind Hearts and Coronets but even better!!!! Even tho you ain't heard of George Sampson I can assure you he has a very solid fanbase amongst middle aged women and pre-teen girls and they are already frothing at the mouth to see this sweet movie! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pap Posted 22 February, 2012 Share Posted 22 February, 2012 For now, a quick fecking awesome! I will show it to my 12 year old daughter in the interests of market research. I'll get back to you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pap Posted 22 February, 2012 Share Posted 22 February, 2012 Well, the immediate reaction to the poster was not good. "What?" She wasn't even that interested when she found out her dad would be directing. However, it's not all bad news. First, she knows who George Sampson is, so your marketing is spot on. She is also surprisingly okay with George being killed because he gave away a planet full of oil. Unfortunately, she is watching Glee atm, so she was reluctant to provide any further insight. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bearsy Posted 22 February, 2012 Author Share Posted 22 February, 2012 Thanks pap! I also love your idea for undergroud cooking rebels but I'm worried if Antony Worrall Thompson can carry a feature movie at this stage in his career?? I was thinking you might want to draft in some other famous chefs like James Martin and erm the bald one from Master Chef to co-star? Then I'd say it's definitely green light! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bearsy Posted 22 February, 2012 Author Share Posted 22 February, 2012 What! Are you sure she's 12? Might she have turned 13? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pap Posted 22 February, 2012 Share Posted 22 February, 2012 Thanks pap! I also love your idea for undergroud cooking rebels but I'm worried if Antony Worrall Thompson can carry a feature movie at this stage in his career?? I was thinking you might want to draft in some other famous chefs like James Martin and erm the bald one from Master Chef to co-star? Then I'd say it's definitely green light! It's really the formula that's important. Not really that precious about casting, but thought Worrall-Thompson would be most likely to say yes and would be cheap. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SNSUN Posted 22 February, 2012 Share Posted 22 February, 2012 Gay Zombies attack Brighton. Brightonites turn on Zombies, Zombies run to Portsmouth, feel at home, settle down with their new Skate wives. The title will be Zombandits. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bearsy Posted 26 February, 2012 Author Share Posted 26 February, 2012 I love sports movies! Here's mine: The Rory Delap Story Based on a true story! Rory Delap is a loser. He's never achieved anything with his life. All he does is work on his dad's building sites and go to watch his beloved Stoke City play but even that's miserable because Stoke are rubbish, bottom of the league and their star striker Peter Crouch is a joke who ain't scored all season. Rory's job on the building site is to cart breeze blocks up to the top of the scaffolding, but check this, he does it by throwing them really far! This is called foreshadowing. One day Tony Pulis goes down to the town park to take his mind off how rubbish Stoke City are. He drops his wallet and Rory Delap finds it. Tony Pulis doesn't hear Rory shouting and drives off so Rory throws the wallet even though the car is like 3 miles away it goes straight through the window and lands on Pulis lap! Pulis is really grateful and invites Rory to come for a trial and Rory is all like "I can't play football!" and Pulis is all like "That doesn't matter son, come along anyway." Rory gets lost trying to find the training ground and he bumps into Abigail Clancy who's Crouch's girlfriend. She finds his unconventional ways and rougish good looks charming! She is the love interest. All the Stoke players are all laughing at Rory when he turns up for his trial. Peter Crouch really hates him because he saw Rory talking to Abigail Clancy. Plus Rory is rubbish! He can't even kick the ball straight and keeps falling over! But when Crouch calls him a muppet Rory picks up the ball and throws it at Crouch's head and knocks him out stone cold! Pulis starts Rory in the next game against Manchester United. Poor Rory doesn't know what to do so he just stands in the corner smoking cigarettes. The crowd don't like this and are like all on his back calling him faggot and stuff. Then in the last minute Stoke get a throw in by their own corner flag. Rory picks it up and throws it the whole length of the pitch to Crouch who scores the winning goal! And then Crouch does his robotic dance to celebrate! The crowd are loving it! Abigail Clancy runs onto the pitch to celebrate, but check this she runs past Crouch and starts frenching Rory! Then she gets her tits out and sucks him off! FIN Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Verbal Posted 27 February, 2012 Share Posted 27 February, 2012 Pass. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bearsy Posted 27 February, 2012 Author Share Posted 27 February, 2012 Good suggestion Verbal! Pass - The Rory Delap Story You just earned yourself an ep credit fella! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ericofarabia Posted 27 February, 2012 Share Posted 27 February, 2012 Post your idea for a sweet movie thread The Mars Bar Years featuring Mick Jagger anfd Marianne Faithful Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bearsy Posted 27 February, 2012 Author Share Posted 27 February, 2012 Casting will be key for that one Eric. Who do you see playing MF and who will play the Mars Bar? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bearsy Posted 9 March, 2012 Author Share Posted 9 March, 2012 Good news dudes! it looks like my screenplay for a 24 movie has sparked worldwide interest! Green light baby! http://www.nme.com/filmandtv/news/kiefer-sutherland-still-hopeful-for-24-movie/262409 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SuperMikey Posted 9 March, 2012 Share Posted 9 March, 2012 AVB: The Struggle This film follows the downward spiral of AVB after his sacking from Chelsea. Ryan Reynolds plays AVB, a destitute hollow man now that his life is empty and he has been abandoned by his former employers. The first scene takes place in Abramovich's office, only the back of AVB's head visible like that scene in Pulp Fiction where you can only see the back of Marsellus Wallace's head. Abramovich has a cardboard box on the desk containing AVB's possessions, a series of forms next to it and a briefcase filled to the brim with £1 coins - AVB's pay-off. Abramovich wears a sneer on his face as he tells AVB to get his things and "get the hell out of my club". A tracking shot follows AVB out of the building (camera still positioned behind his head) as his former players jeer and throw wet towels at him. John Terry spits in his face as AVB reaches the exit. The first time we see his face is when AVB turns around to face the camera and those who have just abused him, the front door framing his upper body, and says "I'll be back - you'll be sorry". Italic letters fade into view as AVB turns around and pushes the door open, walking into the car park as the letters spell "AVB: The Struggle". The next 3 hours and 40 minutes follow AVB as his money dwindles and he turns to a life of addiction - nearly overdosing on crack cocaine after his wife leaves him. AVB is helped to clean up his act by his second cousin, who runs a Nando's in Shepherd's Bush. AVB gets a job as a potwasher and eventually works his way up to assistant manager. The kitman from Brentford FC comes into the restaurant one day and spies AVB clearing a table, and offers him to come along to their training ground one day. AVB ponders the offer for a few days, after suffering so much at the hands of Chelsea. However, he turns up to the training session and - despite whispers and a few odd looks from the players - manages to put the cones out in a straight line for a training session. He is immediately offered the managers job, but guess who his first game is against! That's right, Northampton Town! They lose 7-1, AVB is sacked and gets glassed by a board member after the game. Fin. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bearsy Posted 9 March, 2012 Author Share Posted 9 March, 2012 That's a pretty depressing story Mikey, it reminds me of Requim for a Dream in how you think things might get better, but no they just get worse! It's a cautionary tale for our time with a strong moral: don't grow a ginger beard. When AVB is at his lowest point, homeless and destitute, does he call on John Terry begging for help? Does John Terry laugh callously in his face? I bet he does! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SuperMikey Posted 10 March, 2012 Share Posted 10 March, 2012 That's a pretty depressing story Mikey, it reminds me of Requim for a Dream in how you think things might get better, but no they just get worse! It's a cautionary tale for our time with a strong moral: don't grow a ginger beard. When AVB is at his lowest point, homeless and destitute, does he call on John Terry begging for help? Does John Terry laugh callously in his face? I bet he does! The only moment of salvation in the film is when John Terry's brother-in-law comes in for a meal and AVB spaffs in his spicy rice. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SuperMikey Posted 10 March, 2012 Share Posted 10 March, 2012 However even that is a bittersweet victory as AVB forgot to wash his hands before beating off, and he got a bit of Extra Hot Piri-Piri sauce on his helmet meaning his japs' eye became awfully inflamed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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