My Bumhole Is All Itchy

[Saint Billy]

I'm not happy how people keep saying worms!!

 

Serious question though (for a change) if I had worms wouldn't I have seen them wriggling about in my poo? Bearing in mind I've turned round and physically examined every bowel movement since 1992.

 

They could be of the nocturnal variety that only show their faces when it's dark hence why they come out at night. Best to try and time your poo's to the evening time and take a flashlight with you and then have a root about and search for the buggars. Btw, take a hammer with you and thrash the living daylights out of them if you find them.

[pap]

I can see that Bearsy is "giving it large" with his claims on a rigorous stool scrutiny regime (probably to impress the ladies) but I'm just not buying it.

 

There is inspection, and inspection. I am of the opinion that Bearsy's inspection routine consists of:-

 

1) "Ooh. Look at how shiny that is"

2) A small moment of pride

 

That being the case, I don't think we can exclude worms as a possibility. Now, if he's a "hand breaker", I'll retract my claims.

[Saint-scooby]

Mmm enjoy

http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=bd9_1194369203

[pap]

Mmm enjoy

http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=bd9_1194369203

 

Filth.

[saintbletch]

I don't mean physically examined, I mean visually examined!

 

I've not been touching it, honest!

 

What you need Bearsy is a way to determine if there are worms in your doings without having to make contact. Read on.

 

As long as you've got a nice gentle slope on the porcelain at the front of your lavatory bowl of choice, I'd suggest you look to perfect the reverse Dougan and go worm fishing.

 

You'll need keen balance, some non-slip shoes, a length of string, a short bamboo cane, a partially digested melon rind and a strong stomach.

 

The reverse Dougan should allow you get a better look at the 'payload' on 'dry land'. Then, assuming that our worm is domiciled chez sh*t, tie one end of the string to the melon rind and tie the other end to the cane. Then, just like an angler on the bank of a fast-flowing river trying to land a 'brown trout', cast the melon into the bowl alongside the arse-gravy. From here it is a simple matter of twitching the melon rind back and forward like an angler mimicking the movements of a fly. It shouldn't be long before the worm(s) break cover. They won't be able to resist.

 

If after say 20 minutes you've not seen a worm then that's as good as a medical 'all clear' and you'll know that your problem is not worm related. Simply stow your rod, wash your hands and walk back to your desk.

 

If on the other hand you've had a 'bite' then you know it's worm-related and I think you'd best consult a medical doctor. I can only help so far.

 

A couple of caveats.

 

I'm not actually medically trained and this plan is based on research that I've done here, here and here. So your results may vary. Also, the melon 'bait' is really aimed at earthworms, but how different can a tapeworm be? That said, during the course of my research I did read that tapeworms eat partially digested food, so if you use partially digested melon then you're pretty much loading the dice in your favour.

 

Let us know how you get on.

[SNSUN]

Anal itching may be just an annoyance, or may be so troublesome that it dominates your life. It is usually made worse by warmth, and is often most troublesome in bed. The skin round the anus easily becomes irritated and inflamed. This is because it is difficult to keep the area round the anus clean and dry; the skin is crinkly and traps tiny faecal particles. It is also sweaty and airless, and it may be moist from an anal or vaginal discharge. When it becomes irritated, scratching is a natural reaction, but this damages the skin further – the itch/scratch cycle. Ointments and creams can cause further problems by keeping the area damp.

Although it is very unpleasant, anal itching seldom means anything serious.

Washing too much or not enough. Poor hygiene can be responsible for anal itching, but so can excessive cleaning, especially if you use harsh soaps or a brush.

 

How you can help yourself

 

Wash the anal area after you have had your bowels open, but not more than three times in a day, using an unperfumed soap and water. Some doctors recommend using aqueous cream (available from pharmacies) as a cleanser. Apply the cream, massage it gently over the area and then rinse off. If you are somewhere where you cannot wash, clean the area with wet tissues (but not with pre-moistened wipes). If you use shower gel to wash your body, make sure you rinse it off very thoroughly so that none remains between the buttocks.

Dab gently with a soft towel to dry – do not rub. If drying is difficult, use a hairdryer on cool setting.

Do not put any disinfectant on the skin or in the bath water – this can irritate the skin. Do not use bubble bath – the perfume can irritate. Instead, put a handful of kitchen salt in your bath.

Keep a cotton-wool ball, dusted with powder, against the anus, inside your underpants or knickers. Use baby powder (not perfumed talcum powder) to dust it. Change it each time you wash.

Wear loose cotton underwear. Avoid tights and elastic ‘shapewear’ underwear, because they encourage sweating and moistness in the anal area. Avoid anything that keeps the buttocks close together.

Do not use biological (enzyme) washing powders for your underwear, or perfumed fabric softeners. Instead, use a detergent labelled ‘for sensitive skin’.

Do not scratch. If you scratch, you damage the skin more and then you itch more. If you feel you really must scratch, try pinching the skin near the anus between your thumb and forefinger through your clothing; this is less damaging than actual scratching. People often scratch at night and do not realize they are doing so. If you think you might be scratching at night, talk to your doctor about taking an antihistamine, keep your fingernails short, wear cotton gloves at night for a while and ask your doctor to check for threadworms.

 

Do not use any greasy creams (such as Vaseline) on the area. Greasy creams keep the skin soggy and make the problem worse.

Be very cautious about anaesthetic creams or ointments. Sometimes they can help by relieving the itch/scratch cycle, but use them only for a short period (about a week).

Similarly, be very cautious about steroid creams. In the UK, it is possible to buy weak steroid cream (containing hydrocortisone 1% or less) from pharmacies. In the short-term, the steroid reduces inflammation and therefore relieves itching but, in the long-term, it can make the skin thinner and worsen the problem. Resist the temptation to keep on using a steroid cream. Use it for just 1 week, then throw the tube away.

Try witch hazel – an old-fashioned remedy available from pharmacies. Dab it on twice a day, but stop immediately if it seems to be making the problem worse instead of better.

Dr James Le Fanu has a column in the Daily Telegraph that acts as a forum for readers’ solutions to health problems. Readers have reported that the inside of a banana skin can relieve itchy skin, including anal itching.

Feel round the anus for lumps. This may not be easy, because the skin round the anus is normally puckered. A lump might be a wart, a pile or a skin tag alongside an anal fissure.

 

Avoid foods that cause excessive flatulence. Hope this has been a help. good luck, and try the inside of the banana skin idea!

[Bearsy]

Dudes! I'm cured! My bumhole don't itch no more!!!!!

 

I've been following SNSUN's advice above, not about sticking a banana up there but the stuff about laying off the Andrex wet wipes and just using soap and water and stuff and it's done the trick! Maybe I was allergic to Andrex bum-wipes????

 

Seems a pretty undramatic conclusion though, I know you were all hoping that I'd have a tapeworm like a garden hose up there but we can't all be winners. The only drama I've had is when I got caught drying my bumhole with the girlfriend's hairdryer but other than that it's been plain sailing!

 

Credit where it's due if anyone ever has any bum related issues my advice is to immediately pm a picture to SNSUN. In fact do that anyway!

 

FIN

 

Mods lock thread etc!

[Crouchie's Lawyer]

Yes, almost too good, who could Bearsy be?

 

Yep, but it's good to have 'Deppo' back though isn't it.

 

I think there is the answer! I too thought it was the works of Deppo.

 

Bl00dy good thread though, made me chuckle on many occasions!

[pap]

I think there is the answer! I too thought it was the works of Deppo.

 

Bl00dy good thread though, made me chuckle on many occasions!

 

The conclusions that people jump to on here.

 

Bearsy cannot be Deppo. Bearsy is a BEAR!

 

And you've gone and messed this thread up too, CL.

 

Bearsy likes to close all threads.

[Bearsy]

It's true what you're saying pap i do like to have the final word but we can't blame Crouchie here, it's the mods i've got a beef with! they quite clearly disregarded my written request to engage locking protocols!

 

this isn't the first time they've snubbed me either! i reckon the real reason crouchie sees deppo is because i'm every bit as ostracised and slighted as that poor lost soul, person non grata to the jealous eyes of mod hierachy. Honestly, I remind me of jesus sometimes. Like when i invented Sainticons^TM two weeks ago and dutifully demonstrated the idea in the site suggestions forum but have Sainticons^TM been rolled out forum-wide? have they feck! people are still going round at me all the time! I bet the mods all sit around in their golden thrones all laughing at me and clinking glasses and stuff. cretins.

 

I'd do one to Ugly Inside if it wasn't so ugly inside, i really would pap.

[pap]

It's true what you're saying pap i do like to have the final word but we can't blame Crouchie here, it's the mods i've got a beef with! they quite clearly disregarded my written request to engage locking protocols!

 

this isn't the first time they've snubbed me either! i reckon the real reason crouchie sees deppo is because i'm every bit as ostracised and slighted as that poor lost soul, person non grata to the jealous eyes of mod hierachy. Honestly, I remind me of jesus sometimes. Like when i invented Sainticons^TM two weeks ago and dutifully demonstrated the idea in the site suggestions forum but have Sainticons^TM been rolled out forum-wide? have they feck! people are still going round at me all the time! I bet the mods all sit around in their golden thrones all laughing at me and clinking glasses and stuff. cretins.

 

I'd do one to Ugly Inside if it wasn't so ugly inside, i really would pap.

 

The failure to initiate locking protocols will be a stain on the mods' souls for years to come. I imagine that they'll wake some nights, shivering and cold, suffering shudders that could corrugate titanium. Still, we have to work with the tools we are given, so to speak.

 

I really wanted to give you the last word in this thread. After all, I think we can say that we've laughed, and hopefully learned something about the practicalities of a seemingly insuperable bottom itch. I know I have.

 

And if you ask me, the only reason that Sainticons^TM haven't been rolled out across the board is pure jealousy that they did not think of it first. They've been running this so-called SaintsWeb for yonks now, and not once have I seen them come up with Sainticons^TM, never mind do as professional a job as you did. I bet the moment you posted that thread they vamoosed off to the mod-cave to decide your punishment. Now we know. They decided to not show you your propers on this thread. Why you gotta front, mods?

 

As for the Ugly Inside - they've got a pap over there. He's a bit like me but has considerably less patience.

Edited 28 February, 2012 by pap

[Bearsy]

yeah pap them dumb mods makes me so mad!!!

 

 

"Mad" copyright Sainticons^TM 2012 Ltd.

All rights reserved. Chaplow can get bent if he don't like it.

[Jonnyboy]

Did the old Deppo do all this toilet-based humour? Maybe I shouldnt have joined that campaign and changed my lovely avatar?

[Bearsy]

I'm not bleedin' Deppo! Deppo was much funnier! Deppo you could be reading a perfectly boring thread about Lee Barnard or whatever and then Deppo would say something that'd make you spit your tea out. Bearsy just tells juvenile anecdotes about his bumhole!

[Jonnyboy]

I don't know what to believe anymore