My Bumhole Is All Itchy

[trousers]

Or toothpaste on your willy. Trust me.

 

Total accident or failed experimentation?

[Bearsy]

I used to go with this girl who was a prissy and fastidiuos pain in the arse and on account of a hair trigger gag reflex flatly refused to provide blow jobs. This would ordinarily be an instant deal breaker but because she happened to be smoking hot I stuck with it for a while and undertook a policy of whining, threats and bribery to achieve my end.

 

I knew she was weakening when she invited me to cram 5 packs of chewing gum in my mouth so that I "knew what it felt like". This I did and smiling the whole time so she was pretty much obliged to do the honours. She did insist on half-filling her gob with mouthwash before getting stuck in though. Have to admit I had some concerns, but they were mainly about whether there'd be room for my massive man sword in a mouthole half-filled with mouthwash but I figured I've come this far and went with it. Big mistake!

 

Oh my ****ing god you would not believe the agony!!! I didn't think a circumstance could ever arise where I'd voluntarily withdraw my knob from a willing mouth, not even if I reached down and found an erect penis, but this was it alright!

[Window Cleaner]

I used to go with this girl who was a prissy and fastidiuos pain in the arse and on account of a hair trigger gag reflex flatly refused to provide blow jobs. This would ordinarily be an instant deal breaker but because she happened to be smoking hot I stuck with it for a while and undertook a policy of whining, threats and bribery to achieve my end.

 

I knew she was weakening when she invited me to cram 5 packs of chewing gum in my mouth so that I "knew what it felt like". This I did and smiling the whole time so she was pretty much obliged to do the honours. She did insist on half-filling her gob with mouthwash before getting stuck in though. Have to admit I had some concerns, but they were mainly about whether there'd be room for my massive man sword in a mouthole half-filled with mouthwash but I figured I've come this far and went with it. Big mistake!

 

Oh my ****ing god you would not believe the agony!!! I didn't think a circumstance could ever arise where I'd voluntarily withdraw my knob from a willing mouth, not even if I reached down and found an erect penis, but this was it alright!

 

Aha, Bearsy is beginning to extemporise.

[saintbletch]

Aha, Bearsy is beginning to extemporise.

 

Yep, but it's good to have 'Deppo' back though isn't it.

[pap]

Yep, but it's good to have 'Deppo' back though isn't it.

 

Sir, 2 things:-

 

1) I am surprised that an intellect like yours would be drawn to this tawdry tale of unresolvable ringpiece irritation.

2) How do you think we should address Bearsy's bumhole brain-teaser?

[pap]

Aha, Bearsy is beginning to extemporise.

 

I like this word. I looked it up, and shall use it in future conversations.

 

Why use one syllable when four are available? That's my motto anyway.

 

(can anyone think of a word for 'four' that has four syllables? I was thinking quadrilogy, but wasn't sure if that was just some marketing nonsense on the Aliens boxset)

[Window Cleaner]

I like this word. I looked it up, and shall use it in future conversations.

 

Why use one syllable when four are available? That's my motto anyway.

 

(can anyone think of a word for 'four' that has four syllables? I was thinking quadrilogy, but wasn't sure if that was just some marketing nonsense on the Aliens boxset)

 

It used to be one of the favourite words of the old Echo cricket reporter, he used it a lot when writing about Richards and Greenidge.

[pap]

It used to be one of the favourite words of the old Echo cricket reporter, he used it a lot when writing about Richards and Greenidge.

 

Some words just worm your way into your head as soon as you see them. A recent favourite of mine is prestidigitation.

 

However, it took me 6 months of practice to say "specificity" properly, which horrifyingly enough, is a common enough word in my line of work.

[Window Cleaner]

A recent favourite of mine is prestidigitation.

 

 

from the French, prestidigitateur= a conjurer (but not a magician)

[Bearsy]

this is all very interesting but its not helping me with my bumhole. stay on topic people!

[pap]

Ah, c'mon Bearsy. We may be veering slightly off-topic, but the diversion has given me an idea.

 

You know how magicians can pull rabbits out of hats? Well, what if it were possible to pull an itch out of a bumhole?

 

I hear Paul Daniels is available.

[Bearsy]

I was thinking more like Paul McKenna pap, I'm wondering if it's a head problem. Maybe my bumhole doesn't itch, maybe it's pyschosomatic arising from a subconscious desire to put things up my bumhole.

 

One of my earliest memories, and I've never told anyone this before so I'd appreciate if you could keep it just between me and you pap, was when I was naked in our bathroom as a toddler and I'd climbed up on the toilet seat to access the prohibited delights of the medicine cabinet. Then I slipped and fell and a broom handle went up my bumhole.

 

Now logically I know this can't be true, I don't see how a broom could be positioned in such a way to achieve the force required to penetrate a virgin bumhole but I swear that's how I remember it. And the fact remains that something went up my bumhole that day. Maybe it was a toilet brush, maybe there was someone else present I just don't know. I think I've got issues.

[pap]

[Bearsy]

thats classic pap i had to check on amazon to make sure it werent real!

[Jonnyboy]

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[Jonnyboy]

[pap]

thats classic pap i had to check on amazon to make sure it werent real!

 

I think we should send the idea in. I'm sure he'll take note of your plight in this thread and come up with a solution. Thing is, he might just hypnotise you into thinking your bum is not itching, when actually, it's just a trick of the mind and your bum really is itching.

 

I mean, could you cope with that notion? Isn't it just papering over the crack, so to speak?

 

I'm not sure you want McKenna to mess with your marbles.

[saintbletch]

Sir, 2 things:-

 

1) I am surprised that an intellect like yours would be drawn to this tawdry tale of unresolvable ringpiece irritation.

2) How do you think we should address Bearsy's bumhole brain-teaser?

 

Sir,

 

1) I USED to think you had an intellect to be proud of too until you implied that I had an intellect to be proud of.

2) From day one I assumed that Deppo's, sorry Bearsy's (No 'e') anus horribilis was down to user error. Colonic irrigation irritation is a common complaint. My advice to Bearsy would be to remove the hoselock connector from the hose before you irrigate the river itching.

[buctootim]

.....remove the hoselock connector from the hose before you irrigate the river itching.

 

I read that as 'horse' at first and thought I had stumbled on a whole new thread.

[notnowcato]

Do you wake up with a smelly finger?

 

Just wonderin' like..

[Saint-Fred]

I reckon it's worms..try abit of this-just need someone who has had the art of worm charming passed down to them?

 

 

Worm charming

 

 

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

 

Worm charming, worm grunting, and worm fiddling are methods of attracting worms from the arse. The activity is usually performed to collect bait for fishing but can also take the form of a competitive sport. As a skill and profession worm charming is now very rare, with the art being passed through generations to ensure that it survives

[Junior Mullet]

I will say a prayer for Bearsy's bumhold tonight.

[buctootim]

Something soothing for Bearsey (in deference to Pap's sense and sensibilities)

 

Edited 18 February, 2012 by buctootim

[Bearsy]

You sick bastard why would you show me that! I doubt I'll sleep at all now!

[Dr Who?]

Have you noticed your cacks bunching up at all? or being tighter than usual?

[/img]

 

I don't know, the ways that Heston Blumenthal comes up with to serve up his spaghetti bolognese. He never fails to amaze me!

[pap]

I liked this thread before people started posting pictures of bum worms.

 

You just have to go and ruin it, dontcha?!

[pap]

Sir,

 

1) I USED to think you had an intellect to be proud of too until you implied that I had an intellect to be proud of.

 

Glad to have lowered the expectations.

 

 

2) From day one I assumed that Deppo's, sorry Bearsy's (No 'e') anus horribilis was down to user error. Colonic irrigation irritation is a common complaint. My advice to Bearsy would be to remove the hoselock connector from the hose before you irrigate the river itching.

 

Good to see that Bearsy's specific complaint has been noticed across people across the board. He was justifiably enraged at my mishandling of his moniker, correctly calling me out as a scoundrel looking to subtly undermine him through vowel-bombing.

 

As for your solution, aren't we past that point already? Don't get me wrong - it's invaluable advice for anyone looking to save money on colonic irrigation costs, but Bearsy's itch is already present. I'm not sure how an unguarded garden hose is going to make a difference at this point.

Edited 18 February, 2012 by pap

[farawaysaint]

Hemerrhoids, good luck with that as they are a pox on my bumhole. A pox I say!

[Easty]

Come on guys there only on way to get rid of the ****ers, same cure a crabs. At night stand over a glass of water, when they come for a drink run off.

Cured mine up no end, if that don't work get a gerbil and try *****ing.

[Monk]

stay away from lego.

[saintbletch]

Good to see that Bearsy's specific complaint has been noticed across people across the board. He was justifiably enraged at my mishandling of his moniker, correctly calling me out as a scoundel looking to subtly undermine him through vowel-bombing.

 

As for your solution, aren't we past that point already? Don't get me wrong - it's invaluable advice for anyone looking to save money on colonic irrigation costs, but Bearsy's itch is already present. I'm not sure how an unguarded garden hose is going to make a difference at this point.

 

Good point pap. I've identified the cause but not the cure.

 

Suitably admonished, I offer two options.

 

1) Time travel, coupled to the uncoupling of the hoselock connector prior to insertion into Bearsy's rectum.

 

If that isn't practical/possible/cost-effective then, following significant research on my part, and as this seems to be a deep-rooted problem, I recommend approaching the issue from a different perspective.

 

2) I believe that the removal of Bearsy's thalamus will render him incapable of perceiving the itch. Whilst the itch will remain, his ability to 'feel' the itch will be removed.

 

The downside would appear to be that such a procedure would almost certainly leave Bearsy as a vegetable. Which vegetable, I'm not able to say. But if other posters on this forum are anything to go by there is no reason to assume that Bearsy's posting ability/style would be altered in any way.

 

The upside would be that we would add another philosophical thought experiment to the language. So whilst the physical itch exists the sensation would be gone. So "Does Bearsy's anus itch?" would rightly take it's place alongside other philosophical quandaries such as "If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?", "Does the refrigerator light stay on when you shut the door?" and "Tommy Forecast, goalkeeper?".

 

I could see philosophy lecturers urging students to consider Bearsy's colonic contradiction and asking them to write 2000 words on Bearsy's bumhole.

[TopGun]

I'm sure a Dave's Insanity Source suppository would get rid of all things infected or itching.

[Bearsy]

It's good to see that people have moved on from their initial callous mirth at my discomfort and are now providing practical suggestions for treatment!

 

I've been watching House on TV and I think I see where this is going, we've been through a number of diagnosis (many of which terminal) but have been thwarted at every turn by new and contradictory symptoms. What happens at the end of every episode is that a minor and seemingly innocuous circumstance enables House to suddenly see the light and at the last possible moment swoop in and save the patients bumhole.

 

I've been racking my brain for such innocuous circumstances. Obviously in normal conditions House would send Foreman and the Aussie one round to break into my house but I appreciate that may be impractical in this case.

 

I've only come up with one other bumhole related issue so far and I don't see how it could possibly be related, or even interesting but in full disclosure I'll relate it now:

 

I think I'm wiping my bumhole wrong.

 

At least I think I am, it's hard to say - how often do you see someone else wiping their bumhole to learn if you're doing it the 'normal' way? I don't mean to say it's dirty - I don't suppose anyone's got a cleaner bumhole than mine I've been a wet-wiper since long before it was fashionable or Dawn Porter even heard of the notion, and I've always been extremely fastidiuos in my personal hygiene. You could eat your dinner off my bumhole.

 

But what I had been doing my whole adult life is standing up and turning to face the bowl before wiping my bumhole.

 

Is this weird? I honestly thought this was how everyone did it. It seemed to make sense - you get a good look at what you'd dropped off for one thing. Also if you wipe sitting down you have to reach down into the toilet bowl which can hardly be sanitary!

 

The only time it was ever a problem was when I had diarreoa at work last year, and when I stood up and turned around to start bumwiping a great slop of turd fell out my bumhole and ruined my trousers. It was then that I started to think that maybe I'm not doing it right, but to be honest it seems too late to change.

 

Could this possibly be connected, Dr. House???

[Bearsy]

Something soothing for Bearsey (in deference to Pap's sense and sensibilities)

 

I will say a prayer for Bearsy's bumhold tonight.

 

That's strike one Tim.

 

I'm also taking note of people using the term "bumhold" in an effort to add a gay connotation to what is a purely heterosexual problem. I'm not that kind of bear!

[Lets B Avenue]

According to "House" I reckon you've got Lupus.

[Chez]

I really don't see what he problem is here or why you are looking for a solution. You state quite clearly that wiping gives you great pleasure so accept this itch as a blessing and enjoy your great fortune with a smile on your face. If though the pain/pleasure disparity is too great try attempting to time your toilet needs with you showering. Toilet use first then shower immediately after. On no accounts visit a doctor. They all have fat fingers and certainly don't go searching for male g spots, whatever you've heard.

Edited 19 February, 2012 by Chez

[Bearsy]

According to "House" I reckon you've got Lupus.

 

 

Tru dat!

[SNSUN]

Total accident or failed experimentation?

 

Let's just say a friend of mine tried it, and it stang for days.

[Red&White]

I've discovered tonight that itchy bum threads make me laugh out loud - please let us know how you get on

 

This lol

[svetigpung]

Thanks Bearsy for the most entertaining thread i've read in a long while. F00king hilarious.

Misses next to me keeps asking why i'm laughing a bit too much, but i dont feel like admitting what the thread title actually is.

 

Had a doc poke his index finger up mine a year or two ago, as a check-up....not very nice but still did it. Dont think he minded too much either.

Be carefull if you've smeared perfumed facial cream round your anus....you dont want him thinking your trying to seduce him, do ya?

[tpbury]

It's good to see that people have moved on from their initial callous mirth at my discomfort and are now providing practical suggestions for treatment!

 

I've been watching House on TV and I think I see where this is going, we've been through a number of diagnosis (many of which terminal) but have been thwarted at every turn by new and contradictory symptoms. What happens at the end of every episode is that a minor and seemingly innocuous circumstance enables House to suddenly see the light and at the last possible moment swoop in and save the patients bumhole.

 

I've been racking my brain for such innocuous circumstances. Obviously in normal conditions House would send Foreman and the Aussie one round to break into my house but I appreciate that may be impractical in this case.

 

I've only come up with one other bumhole related issue so far and I don't see how it could possibly be related, or even interesting but in full disclosure I'll relate it now:

 

I think I'm wiping my bumhole wrong.

 

At least I think I am, it's hard to say - how often do you see someone else wiping their bumhole to learn if you're doing it the 'normal' way? I don't mean to say it's dirty - I don't suppose anyone's got a cleaner bumhole than mine I've been a wet-wiper since long before it was fashionable or Dawn Porter even heard of the notion, and I've always been extremely fastidiuos in my personal hygiene. You could eat your dinner off my bumhole.

 

But what I had been doing my whole adult life is standing up and turning to face the bowl before wiping my bumhole.

 

Is this weird? I honestly thought this was how everyone did it. It seemed to make sense - you get a good look at what you'd dropped off for one thing. Also if you wipe sitting down you have to reach down into the toilet bowl which can hardly be sanitary!

 

The only time it was ever a problem was when I had diarreoa at work last year, and when I stood up and turned around to start bumwiping a great slop of turd fell out my bumhole and ruined my trousers. It was then that I started to think that maybe I'm not doing it right, but to be honest it seems too late to change.

 

Could this possibly be connected, Dr. House???

 

I'm sure you're aware that there is an entire thread from a few weeks ago dedicated to 'standers' and 'sitters', though your particular affliction seems to suggest you present your backside to the trap door, rather than presenting your pathetic manhood - you should start another thread on the subcategories of 'standers' - god knows you are a weird tribe, possibly without bum hair.

 

Have you considered clinkers or absence thereof as a possible root cause for the itch? You could consider getting Shane Warne or David Gower or Alan Lamb or another cricketer to give you advice on growing bum hair? Do you shave 'down there'? I've a feeling tag-nuts are essential to anal comfort.

[alpine_saint]

This thread is a work of pure genius.

[Bearsy]

I'm sure you're aware that there is an entire thread from a few weeks ago dedicated to 'standers' and 'sitters', though your particular affliction seems to suggest you present your backside to the trap door, rather than presenting your pathetic manhood - you should start another thread on the subcategories of 'standers' - god knows you are a weird tribe, possibly without bum hair.

 

Have you considered clinkers or absence thereof as a possible root cause for the itch? You could consider getting Shane Warne or David Gower or Alan Lamb or another cricketer to give you advice on growing bum hair? Do you shave 'down there'? I've a feeling tag-nuts are essential to anal comfort.

 

 

I wasn't aware but thanks for the heads up! I'm glad to know I'm not alone!

 

One thing though, if you're a stand wiper then surely you have to turn round to face the bowl otherwise how do you know where you're throwing the tissue - it could be going on the floor, out the window etc?

[pap]

If you are a stand-wiper and a wet-wiper, beware!

 

If any of the excess water hits the floor in a public environment, anyone going in afterwards will simply assume that some filthy animal has done a dirty golden protest on the floor ( for some reason, they never take the time to lick/sniff it for confirmation).

 

They will then send a company-wide email asking very kindly for people to stop urinating on the floor.

[Bearsy]

They don't send it company wide anymore. They only send it to me.

[pap]

They don't send it company wide anymore. They only send it to me.

 

I ended up p*ssing on the floor in the end. If you're going to be accused of a crime...

[Saint Billy]

Its sounds to me like you have a fungus infection around the old bullet wound caused by swetting. The only thing that will stop this is by getting some strong anti fungal cream from the doc.

 

You could try athletes foot cream if a doc visit is totally out of the question and rub it into the troubled area, but make sure you do not get tempted into pushing the cream into your cavity as I am not sure of the outcome!

[sir woody]

You've got threadworms mate, you need to take a liquid worm killer from your doctor. The whole family has to take it and change your bedding. Wash morning and night and it will go away.

[Bearsy]

I'm not happy how people keep saying worms!!

 

Serious question though (for a change) if I had worms wouldn't I have seen them wriggling about in my poo? Bearing in mind I've turned round and physically examined every bowel movement since 1992.

[Bearsy]

I don't mean physically examined, I mean visually examined!

 

I've not been touching it, honest!