Bearsy Posted 27 January, 2012 Share Posted 27 January, 2012 (edited) It's really itchy, especially around bedtime. I've even got a face rash and I think that's because I'm itching my bumhole while asleep and wiping it on my face! I need suggestions for stuff that I can put on/up my bumhole to relieve the itching. I don't want to show the doctor my bumhole, and I also don't want anything that's over the counter, because I don't want the person at the counter to know that I've got a problem with my bumhole. EDIT: This is for a friend of mine. Edited 27 January, 2012 by Bearsy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Colinjb Posted 27 January, 2012 Share Posted 27 January, 2012 Try Sudocrem. But really mate.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pancake Posted 27 January, 2012 Share Posted 27 January, 2012 The farmers? Cut your nails. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RonManager Posted 27 January, 2012 Share Posted 27 January, 2012 It's knackered mate. You'll need a replacement, either new or reconditioned, and they don't come cheap. See this month's Anus Trader or the usual Ebay etc etc, but look out for cheap foreign imports... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LGTL Posted 27 January, 2012 Share Posted 27 January, 2012 Looks like 1976_child couldn't stay away very long then? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bearsy Posted 27 January, 2012 Author Share Posted 27 January, 2012 Thanks for the suggestions I will pass these on to my friend. Also when I get a wad of toilet paper and rub my bumhole aggresively to relieve the itching it feels soooo good! and one time I got an Erection. Does this mean that I am Gay??? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jjsaint Posted 27 January, 2012 Share Posted 27 January, 2012 Try bathing/showering more frequently to wash away the invisible arse mites. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
buctootim Posted 27 January, 2012 Share Posted 27 January, 2012 It probably does. You may have to change career, drop plans for a family, start drinking pink gin and shower more often. But before you do that, best wash your hands. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sussexsaint Posted 27 January, 2012 Share Posted 27 January, 2012 Sounds like worms - try a robin or a mole Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SNSUN Posted 27 January, 2012 Share Posted 27 January, 2012 I've got some special lubricant that your friend can use for it, but, err, it needs to be administered by me personally. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bearsy Posted 27 January, 2012 Author Share Posted 27 January, 2012 Thanks! I have a boob cream that works like that if any ladies are interested send me a pm! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bearsy Posted 27 January, 2012 Author Share Posted 27 January, 2012 (edited) In all seriousness I am really worried about my bumhole - I mean my friend's bumhole I'm worried it could be something serious! Is there such a thing as bum cancer??? As I said I really don't want to take my bumhole to the doctors but I thought maybe I could upload a picture of my bumhole on here and people could let me know what they think? Will that be cool with the mods though? I don't want to get infracted, I will try to make the picture as unsexual as possible. Edited 27 January, 2012 by Bearsy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr Who? Posted 27 January, 2012 Share Posted 27 January, 2012 Worms mate, they are worse at night. Buy a tablet, get the whole family to take one. Change all the sheets, and towels. Then all will be fine! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bearsy Posted 27 January, 2012 Author Share Posted 27 January, 2012 Someone at work said worms! What I did was take off my trousers and pants and lay on my back and with a mirror I looked at my bumhole to see if there were any worms wriggling about, but there weren't any at all! The whole mouth of my bumhole looked clean and tidy just very red from all the scratching - it looked like my bumhole was wearing lipstick! (I waited till I got home from work before doing this btw.) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Colinjb Posted 27 January, 2012 Share Posted 27 January, 2012 There is such a thing as Colon cancer, but personally I would be more concerned about 'Arse Rot,' it only effects a select through, but jesus it's a trauma. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pap Posted 27 January, 2012 Share Posted 27 January, 2012 I have seen all seven seasons of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. In the show, there are things called hellmouths from which demonic creatures, such as vampires emerge. Such locations attract the supernatural. So, have you seen any additional vampires or werewolves lurking about? Or wood-wielding hot athletic women? If so, your ringpiece could be a hellmouth. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr Who? Posted 27 January, 2012 Share Posted 27 January, 2012 Check at night in the mirror, this is when worms are visible and most active. I know this as the children have had them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr Who? Posted 27 January, 2012 Share Posted 27 January, 2012 I have seen all seven seasons of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. In the show, there are things called hellmouths from which demonic creatures, such as vampires emerge. Such locations attract the supernatural. So, have you seen any additional vampires or werewolves lurking about? Or wood-wielding hot athletic women? If so, your ringpiece could be a hellmouth. But I like this idea better! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
buctootim Posted 27 January, 2012 Share Posted 27 January, 2012 I thought maybe I could upload a picture of my bumhole on here and people could let me know what they think? I will try to make the picture as unsexual as possible. Don't. Please don't. I'll pay for you to go to BUPA. Anything. But not the picrture. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Julian H. Cope Posted 27 January, 2012 Share Posted 27 January, 2012 Smear toothpaste on it. Toothpaste is a well known cure for bum cancer. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trousers Posted 27 January, 2012 Share Posted 27 January, 2012 Toothpaste my arse Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pap Posted 27 January, 2012 Share Posted 27 January, 2012 Toothpaste my arse Why, does it have teeth? Gives new meaning to the phrase "bite one off". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
saint_stevo Posted 27 January, 2012 Share Posted 27 January, 2012 Wash it with Vinegar. Sounds like thrush Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 27 January, 2012 Share Posted 27 January, 2012 Probably this; http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tinea_cruris Go to the f*cking doctor anyway you big girls blouse, do you think thats the ugliest thing they'll have seen this week? He might have a laugh afterwards, thats the worst that could happen. ffs, if I managed to cope with a middle-aged lady doctor checking me out for chalfonts I'm sure you could survive the utter humiliation of telling your quack that your rings itching. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BadgerBadger Posted 27 January, 2012 Share Posted 27 January, 2012 I've discovered tonight that itchy bum threads make me laugh out loud - please let us know how you get on Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pap Posted 27 January, 2012 Share Posted 27 January, 2012 I really would get that sorted, mate. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brizzie Saints Posted 28 January, 2012 Share Posted 28 January, 2012 Wire brush and Dettol mate, its the only way, also works if you wake up after a night on the **** and realise you've just sh*gged a tranny. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Raging Bull Posted 28 January, 2012 Share Posted 28 January, 2012 Seriously Bearsy you need your anus checked out asap. I work with a bloke who had itchy butt syndrom and he left it and left it, he ended up needing his plumbing diverted into a bag strapped to his stomach which farts and squelches at you at the most inopportune moments like when giving a presentation!!! Get your fishers probed man! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr Who? Posted 28 January, 2012 Share Posted 28 January, 2012 Did you check out your bum at night? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dimond Geezer Posted 28 January, 2012 Share Posted 28 January, 2012 Sounds like worms to me, more active at night & you probably wont see them yourself in the mirror, they are only about 2-3mm long, get your wife/lover/sex slave to take a look in the dark (with a torch). If you have them, every one in the family will need to be treated, the bed linnen will need to be changed daily, as will towels. Aaah, the joys of having kids - enjoy. :lol: http://www.nhs.uk/conditions/threadworms/Pages/Introduction.aspx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ART Posted 28 January, 2012 Share Posted 28 January, 2012 If your face is red sounds like an allergy. Is your friend eating spicy food, curries etc? This can cause skin reactions and itchiness. No one has mentioned hemorrhoids caused by constipation, diarrhea etc, amongst other causes. If they become infected this can result in the rash on the face or other body parts. There are many creams or suppositories available. Best is that your friend sees a doctor as soon as possible. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr Who? Posted 28 January, 2012 Share Posted 28 January, 2012 Sounds like worms to me, more active at night & you probably wont see them yourself in the mirror, they are only about 2-3mm long, get your wife/lover/sex slave to take a look in the dark (with a torch). If you have them, every one in the family will need to be treated, the bed linnen will need to be changed daily, as will towels. Aaah, the joys of having kids - enjoy. :lol: http://www.nhs.uk/conditions/threadworms/Pages/Introduction.aspx Yep the whole family had to take a tablet, and change all the towels and bed sheets, and cut all our finger nails!!! KIDS!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Badger Posted 29 January, 2012 Share Posted 29 January, 2012 Did you check out your bum at night? Isn't this a Patrick Moore TV show, The arse at Night ? If your face is red sounds like an allergy. Is your friend eating spicy food, curries etc? This can cause skin reactions and itchiness. No one has mentioned hemorrhoids caused by constipation, diarrhea etc, amongst other causes. If they become infected this can result in the rash on the face or other body parts. There are many creams or suppositories available. Best is that your friend sees a doctor as soon as possible. Suppositories ? For what good they did, I might as well have shoved them up my arse. Sorry - old joke, could not resist. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bearsy Posted 31 January, 2012 Author Share Posted 31 January, 2012 Hi Guys! Sorry to go dark on this subject I know you're all very interested! Probably you were worried that I'd since died of bum cancer but I'm still here and still itching unfortunately. I felt I'd gone as far as I could on my own and did need someone to have a proper look. I decided against the doctor because (a) I'm not registered with a doctor (b) I don't want to go to the doctors in case I catch something and © most doctors are perverts who take the job just so they can feel up peoples bumholes and I don't really want to give them the satisfaction. So anyway last Friday night I tried to bring it up casually with my mates, just subtly into the converstion trying to get on the subject of bumholes but to be honest they went a bit weird and kept trying to change the subject. It's almost as if they don't want to see my bumhole! I took the hint after a while though, and they I got thinking it'd be better if a girl did it - they probably see more male bumholes than men do anyway and also girls are more sympathetic and nursey. I've been seeing this one girl but it's only been a few weeks and I'm still trying to keep things romantic so I thought asking her to root around in my bumhole might not be the best idea, so Saturday night I went out to see if I could hook up with some other sort. I wasn't having much luck at first but I think I was setting my sights to high - I was really looking for someone who happened to be a proctologist but to be honest they seemed pretty scarce in the club for some reason. I would have also accepted a dental nurse as that's basically the other end of the same thing but I couldn't get one of those either. Then we saw this one girl who has a bit of a filthy reputation so I bought her a drink and that and ended up taking her home. Possibly I should have told her in advance what she was there for, she seemed to want to make out or something! It was a bit awkward to be honest. Anyways I got her sat down in front of the TV. I couldn't really bring myself to ask her outright to look at my bumhole - I am a gentleman! - so I thought the best plan was if she could just casually see it and then I could see if she makes some sort of comment. So I went into my room and removed my trousers and underpants. Then I went back in and pretended their was something wrong with the sky box so I had to bend over in front of her to sort it out. This I did and waited anxiously for her appraisal - would it be bum cancer? would it be worms? Anyway I let a few minutes go by so she could consider her diagnosis but then she said in a small voice "What are you doing?" I'd of thought it was ****ing obvious I was working on the Sky Box! Anyway I said oh sorry you didn't see my bumhole did you? But she just sort of went weird and quiet and when I went back into my room to put my trousers and underpants back on I heard the door go and she'd gone! I'm really worried now - she must have seen something terrible up there! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bearsy Posted 31 January, 2012 Author Share Posted 31 January, 2012 Also in unrelated news my girlfriend dumped me this morning. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Window Cleaner Posted 31 January, 2012 Share Posted 31 January, 2012 Hd nursey. Then we saw this one girl who has a bit of a filthy reputation so I bought her a drink and that and ended up taking her home. I'd of thought it was ****ing obvious I was working on the Sky Box! Anyway I said oh sorry you didn't see my bumhole did you? But she just sort of went weird and quiet and when I went back into my room to put my trousers and underpants back on I heard the door go and she'd gone! well at least you won't have an itchy **** as well......... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crouchie's Lawyer Posted 31 January, 2012 Share Posted 31 January, 2012 One of the best threads in here in a long time Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bearsy Posted 31 January, 2012 Author Share Posted 31 January, 2012 I think we need to go back to the original plan of finding household products I can put up my bumhole to alleviate the itching. Things I've tried so far: Sudocrem (as suggested by someone on here) - This felt quite nice when I was putting it on but I was pretty soon itching again. Bonjela - I thought this was a genius idea! because it has numbing and minty cooling properties. It stung a bit when I put it on my bumhole but after a couple of minutes I couldn't feel anything down there! Brilliant I thought problem solved! But then after like an hour it went all sticky and gross and aggravated my bumhole so bad that I was forced to sandpaper it off with wads of kitchen roll until I was drawing blood. Not doing that again! My Girlfriends Face Moisturiser - This didn't help the itching at all, but it does smell nice. I didn't tell her but I think maybe she found out and that must be why she dumped me! Things I'm thinking of trying but haven't yet: Paracetamol Vaseline Deep Heat Has anyone got any other suggestions??? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
buctootim Posted 31 January, 2012 Share Posted 31 January, 2012 (edited) Canesten 2%, or soaking your arse in a bucket of warm bleach and caustic soda. Edited 31 January, 2012 by buctootim Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Window Cleaner Posted 31 January, 2012 Share Posted 31 January, 2012 I think we need to go back to the original plan of finding household products I can put up my bumhole to alleviate the itching. Things I've tried so far: Sudocrem (as suggested by someone on here) - This felt quite nice when I was putting it on but I was pretty soon itching again. Bonjela - I thought this was a genius idea! because it has numbing and minty cooling properties. It stung a bit when I put it on my bumhole but after a couple of minutes I couldn't feel anything down there! Brilliant I thought problem solved! But then after like an hour it went all sticky and gross and aggravated my bumhole so bad that I was forced to sandpaper it off with wads of kitchen roll until I was drawing blood. Not doing that again! My Girlfriends Face Moisturiser - This didn't help the itching at all, but it does smell nice. I didn't tell her but I think maybe she found out and that must be why she dumped me! Things I'm thinking of trying but haven't yet: Paracetamol Vaseline Deep Heat Has anyone got any other suggestions??? You need to find a registered Bumhole Plumber,they'll know what to do Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pap Posted 31 January, 2012 Share Posted 31 January, 2012 You could train a cat to lick it clean. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ART Posted 31 January, 2012 Share Posted 31 January, 2012 Buy a tube of ANUSOL HC in Boots but you're asking for trouble with Deep Heat. Cortisone cream is another suggestion. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ART Posted 31 January, 2012 Share Posted 31 January, 2012 Great idea. Smooth cod liver oil over your bum and the cat will do the rest Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bearsy Posted 31 January, 2012 Author Share Posted 31 January, 2012 You could train a cat to lick it clean. That's a good suggestion Pap! I used to have a cat that was addicted to earwax. Sometimes I'd be having really erotic dreams and wake up with a massive erection to find Toby rooting around in my earhole. He's dead though now unfortunately. You could see how it could work, cat's lick their own bumholes anyway so they're obviously not that adverse and if I were to stuff a couple of bits of chicken up there and got hold of a really hungry cat probably I could just lie back and let nature take it's course. What could be more natural? Can anyone lend me a cat? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 31 January, 2012 Share Posted 31 January, 2012 That's a good suggestion Pap! I used to have a cat that was addicted to earwax. Sometimes I'd be having really erotic dreams and wake up with a massive erection to find Toby rooting around in my earhole. He's dead though now unfortunately. You could see how it could work, cat's lick their own bumholes anyway so they're obviously not that adverse and if I were to stuff a couple of bits of chicken up there and got hold of a really hungry cat probably I could just lie back and let nature take it's course. What could be more natural? Can anyone lend me a cat? You're missing the point here. The cat licks its own arse, doesnt it? Obviously works for them. What you need is surgery, remove a couple of vertebrae and you too will be able to lick your own arse!!! And as a bonus, what with your bird having ditched you, you can suck your own c*ck as well!!!!!!!! Problem solved, I think. Chalk one up for scotty........ (breathes on fingernails and polishes them on teeshirt..) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jonnyboy Posted 31 January, 2012 Share Posted 31 January, 2012 One of the best threads in here in a long time Yes, almost too good, who could Bearsy be? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pap Posted 31 January, 2012 Share Posted 31 January, 2012 That's a good suggestion Pap! I used to have a cat that was addicted to earwax. Sometimes I'd be having really erotic dreams and wake up with a massive erection to find Toby rooting around in my earhole. He's dead though now unfortunately. You could see how it could work, cat's lick their own bumholes anyway so they're obviously not that adverse and if I were to stuff a couple of bits of chicken up there and got hold of a really hungry cat probably I could just lie back and let nature take it's course. What could be more natural? Can anyone lend me a cat? Most cats are greedy bastards and will eat as long as there is food in front of them. I don't think you need the Kate Moss of pussy cats to scratch this particular itch. Besides, cats are good for catching mice. The only downside I can see is that the cat might become confused with the dual pursuit of mouse-catching and nibbling the morsels you wedge in your bum beak. You could end up with a live mouse in your bum, although for some people, that is not necessarily a problem. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bearsy Posted 15 February, 2012 Author Share Posted 15 February, 2012 don't ever put deep heat on ur bumhole! Oh sweet jesus it burns!!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SNSUN Posted 15 February, 2012 Share Posted 15 February, 2012 don't ever put deep heat on ur bumhole! Oh sweet jesus it burns!!!!! Or toothpaste on your willy. Trust me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CB Saint Posted 16 February, 2012 Share Posted 16 February, 2012 (edited) The simple solution is peroxide. My granny swore by it , although she never mentioned putting it up her bum hole. God rest her ® soul, and bearsy 's for that matter Edited 16 February, 2012 by CB Saint Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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