Lambert in Pub Incident

[so22saint]

Class.

 

Funniest thing on here in years - love it

[Matthew Le Tissier]

I have finally been able to get the full transcipt of the report from the tussle.

 

THE brother-in-law of Saints star Rickie Lambert was punched to the floor at a Hampshire pub where the striker was enjoying drinks with his family.

Police dispatched six cars and a dog van to reports of 45 people involved in a mass fight at The Baddesley Arms in North Baddesley at about 11pm.

The pub landlady told how she was sent flying into a Christmas tree when she tried to split up the fight.

The footballer, the Championship’s leading scorer, was not involved in the brawl and was led to safety by family and friends.

He had been out at The Baddesley Arms in North Baddesley celebrating his team’s Boxing Day win over Crystal Palace when troubled flared late in the evening.

Landlady Dee Fleming, 55, who was at the bar at the time, said the brawl started when a punter lashed out at the player’s brother-in-law at the bar.

She said: “He got decked to the floor with an uppercut. I came out to try to separate it and flew into the Christmas tree.”

A crowd stood round and watched the fight between the two, until a wayward punch hit a standee and all hell let lose.

A number of women, somewhere between ten and fifty were heard to say in unison, ‘Leave it out. He’s not worth it!!’ to no effect.

A man started playing a rag time tune on a stand up piano in the corner whilst the fight ensued.

A tall big-build scouse man was seen picking up men and banging them together. A chav came up and punched him, but the scouser just smiled and threw the chav across the bar, with drinks being knocked all over the place.

A short oriental gentleman in the white suit stood in the corner with his hand behind his back observing the events.

When men were fighting near the bar, barmaids were seen popping up from behind the bar and hitting the men over the head with bottles.

Mrs Fleming noticed that a tall chav was stood at the bar, holding back a short scouser with his hand on the short scousers forehead, whilst the Lilliputian Liverpudlian was swinging his fists wildly. The chav just stood drinking his pint and smiling.

Mrs Fleming, who had taken on the Scottish and Newcastle pub with her partner three months ago, added: “It was this other guy that landed that one punch and everybody came running down to see what was happening. There was one punch after another. It was frightening.

Then the fight spilled over onto a table where four Texan gentlemen were playing poker. When the table went over it was noticed that one of the Texans had aces up his sleeves and this involved them in the fracas.

A portly gentleman then swung from the chandelier and landed on the group of about twenty, flattening them to the floor.

Mrs Fleming then noticed that short oriental gentleman in the white suit was still stood in the corner with his hand behind his back observing the events.

Back at the bar, a Scouser was fighting off chavs by spraying them in the face with a soda siphon, until a chav picked up a bin and put it over his head and pushed him into the wall.

The short oriental gentleman in the white suit stood finally made his move. Mrs Fleming said he first performed the Tiger NeDan Kata, and then flew into full swing. He took out two with a flying roundhouse, then knocked three through the window with an aerial sideswipe and was then seen to remove another 11 with a mixture of capoeira kick, flying quad kick, Hong Kong twist punch before being thrown through the window himself by an old lady using a mixture of Sheringi Kempo and Tai Kwon Do.

It wasn’t until Lee Barnard turned up on his Harley Davidson, in his leather jacket, that the chav’s were heard to say, ‘Lamberts' got back up,’ and they went into the car park.

Mrs Fleming said, “I phoned 999 to get the police. I got them all out. It all ended up down the bottom of the car park.” The police finally arrived in seven vans, with 12 cops hanging from the doors and roof, with another 40 running after it after falling off at various stages. A police dog van also arrived, driven by an Alsatian in a uniform, with a Golden Retriever in the passenger seat holding a baton in his mouth with a Chihuahua on the roof going ‘whoo, whoo’. A man was apprehended at the scene, but unfortunately, when the 2 officers made the arrest, they had accidently handcuffed themselves together, and the key had accidently been swallowed, so the assailant got away.

When asked why the dogs couldn’t have detained the assailant, a police spokesman said, ‘The assailant was a crafty one. We sent the dogs after him, but because the assailant didn’t jump through the ring of fire, then scramble over the ramp, and didn’t go through the posts in a slalom manner and finally didn’t go through the hooped tunnel, the dogs were unable to catch him.’

Police are on the look out for an average height man, with a toothbrush moustache, dressed like a tramp in baggy pants, big shoes, and a derby hat and walking whilst twirling a cane.

Mack Sennett was unfortunately unable to comment last night, having died in 1960

 

 

 

 

 

This is by far the most sensible quote on here.

 

Most a load of gossiping women

[SFC Forever]

Absolutely brilliant. Puts it all into perspective in a way I hadn't even thought possible.

[Jonnyboy]

I always stick up for my own. Southampton and proud mush!

 

Nah, I heard you were all about London.