Stupidest thing anyone has ever said

[Crazy Diamond]

That you have personally heard.

 

An old housemate of mine got a girlfriend who was as thick as ****. She was an art student and dressed like she'd nicked all her clothes from a charity shop. She was talking about going to the summer solstice and uttered perhaps the stupidest thing I have heard in my life:

 

"I want to go because my friend went last year and got a handjob from a witch - I want that"

 

This was also the girl that thought she could use a tennis racquet as a spade to dig a hole on Bournemouth beach... With inevitable consequences, i.e the sand fell through the gaps between the strings...

[Raging Bull]

I once boned a Milf who believed Essex was a fictional county!!

 

Also worked with someone who once mentioned in passing that Xmas fell on the 25th that year

[Guest Dark Sotonic Mills]

We used to keep a file of daft sayings in a previous job. One girl (who was very bright, very successful but also very young) had the vast majority of the entries.

[Saint_clark]

One girl once asked, "is a dog fish long and thin because it's like...a sausage dog fish?".

 

And a lad in the flat opposite me a few years back when he got the microwave stuck on defrost - "when would you ever need to defrost a microwave!?"

[AussieDog]

My step daughter once said to me that she thought it was sad that I would be going overseas to work and that I would miss my birthday.

[Spudders]

And a lad in the flat opposite me a few years back when he got the microwave stuck on defrost - "when would you ever need to defrost a microwave!?"

 

:lol: Genius!

[lettuce]

My mum once asked me if she need to rewind a DVD before she took it back to Blockbuster...

[trousers]

I once boned a Milf who believed Essex was a fictional county!!

 

Also worked with someone who once mentioned in passing that Xmas fell on the 25th that year

 

I bet they thought BoxIng Day was also on the 26th every year. Ha. What a plum...

 

;-)

[astrasri]

On a committee of our works social club trying to arrange details for a BBQ, one guy said that as it was in an area with no cover if it rains on the day we could hold it the week before.

[Dibden Purlieu Saint]

Me and my mate lying on the grass at Central Park in Plymouth. He suddenly sat bolt upright and said "****, the clouds are moving". He's an accountant now.

 

My missus also said she didn't like Jurassic Park as she doesn't "believe in dinosaurs'.

[skintsaint]

My missus said on a trip to Wales 'Do I need my passport'...

[hypochondriac]

It's not stupid to not believe in dinosaurs. The Earth is only five thousand years old, so what kind of moron would think it was here millions of years ago with giant angry lizzards everywhere? God wouldn't create those and Jesus would have been eaten.

 

Whether you believe in god or not, that is a woeful interpretation of Christianity.

[SuperMikey]

A friend of mine once enquired of me "Is France in Paris?"

 

[Baj]

"Those trees look like giant bonsai trees"

[1976_Child]

Maybe not a something someone said but one of the BBC website's news headlines yesterday was:

 

"Drunken elk gets stuck up tree". And it was true.

[Colinjb]

At an intro party at the uni radio station I used to be a part of:

 

Fresher: "So, because you're on the radio do people recognise you when you're walking around campus?'

 

He was actually being serious.

Edited 9 September, 2011 by Colinjb

[Dr Who?]

Please see the family fortunes thread!!

 

Myself there has been plenty and a lot you can find even on here... oh well!!

[Rasiak-9-]

It's not stupid to not believe in dinosaurs. The Earth is only five thousand years old, so what kind of moron would think it was here millions of years ago with giant angry lizzards everywhere? God wouldn't create those and Jesus would have been eaten.

 

*applauds*

 

I was about to post an incredulous "What!? thats the dumbest thing ever yadayadayada" kind of response; but your is much much better! XD

[latter day saint]

i was at a party just after i left college, a bit messed up when this bloke came over & asked what was up.

i told him i'd dropped an acid tab a few hours ago to which he replied "no worries mate,i'll help you look for it " and started looking on the floor !

[EastleighSoulBoy]

Ford plant Swaythling. Large machine has been stopped for about two hours and the plant is in danger of grinding to a halt. Maintenance have identified the fautly piece of equipment and have swapped in, and out, some eight replacements, with no luck. The supervisor points at one of these pieces of kit and announces "Put that one back in, of all those that don't work, that one doesn't work the best"

[Secret Site Agent]

At uni, my regular Squeeze was reading the paper when she said to me, 'What's a mowpd?'

I said ' Eh, what do you mean?' and she says to me 'here in the paper - MOWPD For sale'

It said Moped. They teach em well at Rodean.

 

I was at a Public meeting for the works to the A31, and someone asked when we were doing the work. I said mostly at night. He said angrily why couldn't we do it at a time when peopel wouldn't be using the road instad, like when they were asleep.

 

When they first came in, a Highways Agency Traffic Officer instructed me to move one of those metal barriers you see during roadworks, as it was causing 'conjunction'.

[Thedelldays]

We are the best club outside of the top 4

[Crazy Diamond]

We are the best club outside of the top 4

 

That is incredibly stupid.

 

Because we all know we're going to finish 17th EXACTLY and Hoddle would have prevented all of this.

[View From The Top]

Hands to swim in the middle of the Indian Ocean enroute to the Seychelles.

 

Thick Yorkie jumps in and upon surfacing pronounces to everyone else "F**k me, it's deep"!

Edited 9 September, 2011 by View From The Top

[for_heaven's_Saint]

Boy at work was convinced that 'bonjour' was the Welsh for hello.

[Smirking_Saint]

Whether you believe in god or not, that is a woeful interpretation of Christianity.

 

Shock horror the only thing you post on this thread is f*cking tedious.

 

Some blonde beauties

 

- Do you think flies remember being maggots

- Were Dragons real ?

- Who invented chicken ?

- What sort of bees make jam

 

She is actually quite intelligent and does an intelligent job but jesus christ

[scotty]

Shock horror the only thing you post on this thread is f*cking tedious.

 

Some blonde beauties

 

- Do you think flies remember being maggots

- Were Dragons real ?

- Who invented chicken ?

- What sort of bees make jam

 

She is actually quite intelligent and does an intelligent job but jesus christ

 

 

I seem to recall a rumour that your girl is something of a catch, regardless of any daftness she blurts out?

 

My own lady managed this gem in La Margarita, when it was still in Commercial Rd next to the mayflower. Cocktails served, she turns to me all wide eyed innocence and says "do you want my cherry?" Cue cackling from assorted friends, I still get reminded about that. Bastards.

[Raging Bull]

I seem to recall a rumour that your girl is something of a catch, regardless of any daftness she blurts out?

 

My own lady managed this gem in La Margarita, when it was still in Commercial Rd next to the mayflower. Cocktails served, she turns to me all wide eyed innocence and says "do you want my cherry?" Cue cackling from assorted friends, I still get reminded about that. Bastards.

 

Don't be stupid man there are no virgins in Southampton!

[Big John]

Don't be stupid man there are no virgins in Southampton!

 

I recall seeing Mike Osman at the gaumont doing a q and a with channon n ball iirc.

 

He asked if there were any ugly women in the audience. no response so he said I know Southampton has ugly women, I married one of them. classy guy.

[Griffo]

Was watching the Bin Laden thing on TV the other night, and I girl I was talking to asked what I was watching and I told her. She then said she thought Bin Laden was killed ages ago. I asked why, and she thought Bin Laden was just a nickname for Saddam Hussein..

[martel]

That you have personally heard.

 

An old housemate of mine got a girlfriend who was as thick as ****. She was an art student and dressed like she'd nicked all her clothes from a charity shop. She was talking about going to the summer solstice and uttered perhaps the stupidest thing I have heard in my life:

 

"I want to go because my friend went last year and got a handjob from a witch - I want that"

 

This was also the girl that thought she could use a tennis racquet as a spade to dig a hole on Bournemouth beach... With inevitable consequences, i.e the sand fell through the gaps between the strings...

 

 

I happened to be present at a quiz night at a local bar here one night, one of the questions was, " what is the real name of Father Christmas" the answer, " Chris Crimble" I nearly fell off the bar stool laughing; but that is what they believe here in the States.

[Northant Saint]

My colleague ask me today, 'why if the world is so poor, we don't just print more money?'. I replied that it would take me longer than my half hour lunch to explain the answer.

[Jez]

I happened to be present at a quiz night at a local bar here one night, one of the questions was, " what is the real name of Father Christmas" the answer, " Chris Crimble" I nearly fell off the bar stool laughing; but that is what they believe here in the States.

 

Sounds a bit odd to me. Just googled "chris crimble father christmas", with hilarious results

[Wadge]

In a refeering course for mini league managers, talking about the offside rule. The bloke doing the talk said "Obviously you can't shoot from an indirect free kick", this bloke in his early 40's, on the course who is going to be a manager of a team pops his hand up and asks "So could you cross it from an indirect free kick?"

[Mewsta]

My friend thought that a Bounty was made of Rice, A hampster was part of the bear family and that Egypt was in Europe................ He's no longer my friend!!

[for_heaven's_Saint]

Once saw this bloke who thought hamster had a 'p' in it!

[Dog]

'Would you like me to suck it for you?'

[scotty]

'Would you like me to suck it for you?'

 

Thats not stupid, it just lacks credibility.

[Marsdinho]

http://www.saintsweb.co.uk/search.php?searchid=673408

[pap]

'Would you like me to suck it for you?'

 

On that note, a Wiganer mate of mine (not famous for their cultural subtlety anyway) went on his hols to Benidorm, adopting the common English conceit that in order to speak Spanish all one needs to do is append an 'o' to the end of any English word.

 

Hence the chat-up line "sucko cocko" was born, which to this day, proudly maintains its 0% success rate.

[SuperMikey]

My housemate opened the fridge the other day to make some dinner, and he saw he had very little food. He turned to me and said "I've got no food... oh well, i'll just have peas and corn. You know, like when a Jamaican man runs out of rice."

 

He was being deathly serious.

[jjsaint]

My wife and I were talking about film stars, and thought that Grace Kelly's life would make a really good film in itself. She piped up, 'Oh, and I think the woman from Rear Window could play her! She'd be perfect!'

[Nexstar]

Is lemon a fruit?

[Channon's Windmill]

When I was in a bakery buying a donut once I was asked "Do you want that with icing or without?" to which I replied "What's the difference?". I have no idea what made those words come out!!

 

I also once asked my Mum "How do you boil and egg?". I still get reminded of that 20years on.

[Lets B Avenue]

In our local a few years ago.

 

A punk came in with a multi-coloured mohawk hairstyle. One of our regulars lent over and said "Who's he think he is? Last of the Moroccans?"

[Golden Balls]

I was talking about places with good nights out and my missus' housemate last night told me shes from Cheltenham. When I mentioned it being near Bristol for a night out she said

 

"No, it takes about 5 hours to get to Bristol. I'm from Cheltenham in Gloucestershire. It's over the other side, closer to London"

 

When I explained where Cheltenham is (her home town, where she lived for 18 of her 20 years of life) she refused to believe me. I showed her on a map, she says the map is wrong. I don't know if it's a case of she doesn't know where Cheltenham is, or that she doesn't know where she's from.

 

This was only last night, you can imagine what a 'best of' would be like.

[Minty]

Used to get a few at the airport from passengers, like:

 

"Sorry sir, that flight is indefinitely delayed."

"How long for?"

 

and

 

"Unfortunately the runway is currently closed because of fog."

"Can't you do something about it?"

[dronskisaint]

Me

 

May 1st 1976....late-ish evening..

 

'Letsh get married....'

 

Still, 35 years later, the stupidest thing I ever said!

[1976_Child]

At school a very well meaning friend said "If I had all the money in the world I would give it to the poor."

[Lighthouse]

Used to get a few at the airport from passengers, like:

 

"Sorry sir, that flight is indefinitely delayed."

"How long for?"

 

and

 

"Unfortunately the runway is currently closed because of fog."

"Can't you do something about it?"

 

I was waiting at the customer service desk at East Midlands Airport once, behind a Northern woman and her elderly mother. After 5 minutes of arguing with the girl on the desk, they turned around, the daughter phoned up one of her relatives and said in a loud Lancashire accent, "they wont let mam on't plane with 'er bus pass!"

 

Made me laugh anyway.