Oldie Letter

[miserableoldgit]

As usual, no idea if it is genuine, but it is quite funny:-

 

 

"Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year old woman.

Perhaps we all ought to do one.

The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.

 

 

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month.

By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it..

I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, --- when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.

My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

Be aware that it is an OFFENSE under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete.

I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.

Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.

I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.

As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further.

When you call me, press buttons as follows:

IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALLING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH

#1. To make an appointment to see me

#2. To query a missing payment.

#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

#4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.

#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.

#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required.

Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.

#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.

#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry.

The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.

#10. This is a second reminder to press* for English.

While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?

Your Humble Client

And remember: Don't make old People mad.

We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to **** us off."

[trousers]

Nice one. Reminds me of the conversation I had with Natwest "customer service" yesterday....

 

'Helpful Banking' my arse

[scotty]

Thats funny, but probably an email "forward to your mates" type joke.

 

That said, I have noticed that banks in general seem rather unpopular nowadays. Cant think why.

[sambosa75]

Thats funny, but probably an email "forward to your mates" type joke.

 

That said, I have noticed that banks in general seem rather unpopular nowadays. Cant think why.

 

Me neither. I'm quite fond of a Barclays every now and again.

[scotty]

Me neither. I'm quite fond of a Barclays every now and again.

 

[SNSUN]

I might write a letter to HSBC. Last week I set up a standing order with the instruction that the money should come out on 01/08/2011 and every calendar month after that. There was then a box that asked me to spell it out. "The FIRST of AUGUST TWENTY ELEVEN and every calendar month after that". As I handed the form over, I told the counter clerk that I needed the money to come out on the FIRST of every month. She handed me a carbon copy of the standing order.

 

I checked my account on Tuesday. No money had come out. I saw the same counter clerk lady who told me that I'D set it up to come out on the THIRD. Lying *****. She remembered me too, which pee'd me off a bit more. Now I have to amend the damn standing order. Thank God my landlord was understanding. Damn banks.

[scotty]

I might write a letter to HSBC. Last week I set up a standing order with the instruction that the money should come out on 01/08/2011 and every calendar month after that. There was then a box that asked me to spell it out. "The FIRST of AUGUST TWENTY ELEVEN and every calendar month after that". As I handed the form over, I told the counter clerk that I needed the money to come out on the FIRST of every month. She handed me a carbon copy of the standing order.

 

I checked my account on Tuesday. No money had come out. I saw the same counter clerk lady who told me that I'D set it up to come out on the THIRD. Lying *****. She remembered me too, which pee'd me off a bit more. Now I have to amend the damn standing order. Thank God my landlord was understanding. Damn banks.

 

You have to watch these c*nts. About five years ago, I wanted to pay some cash in at my building society, (wont mention their name but they are a well known local one who got bought out by a larger one.) I had a total of £2350 to pay in, and one of the problems I'd previously had was that they had a daily cash withdrawal limit of £500. One cashier mentioned that I could just open another account and therefore would be able to draw £1000 if I needed to. So off I trotted, opened another account with the £2350. The cashier said she'd sort it, leave the money with her and I'd get my new account book in the post.

 

Two weeks go by, and I receive a letter saying that my "ISA application" (which it wasnt) had been refused as I already had one. Went to the branch, the cashier said pretty bluntly that she knew nothing about it and had received no money from me. I demanded to see the manager, and to cut a long story short had to threaten them with the police (in front of a crowded branch.) They eventually refunded the money, but only after I threatened again to notify the police of a theft, and even then they didnt admit to having received the money; they just said there was an accounting fault showing on their system, and therefore as a gesture of goodwill, bla bla bla....

 

The moral is, never leave a bank without a receipt. It sounds so obvious, but when you hand over money to a bank cashier you would assume its safe, at least I would (did). I strongly suspect that the cashier was trying it on given her reaction, and that of the manager, but she's still working there.