BadgerBadger Posted 1 June, 2011 Share Posted 1 June, 2011 I've had enough of this damn nonsense Apparently I need to: Push back going forward Get my ducks in a row Reach out to stakeholders and effect a positive relationship scenario Proactively achieve a positive ideas bubble WTF!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dog Posted 2 June, 2011 Share Posted 2 June, 2011 Are you the office whore? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
richie Posted 2 June, 2011 Share Posted 2 June, 2011 horizon scanning, end state visioning and helicopter view!! I ****ing hate it!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fish fingers Posted 2 June, 2011 Share Posted 2 June, 2011 I enjoy it and make them up to see if people agree with my nonsence. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ericofarabia Posted 2 June, 2011 Share Posted 2 June, 2011 Don't forget your KPI's .... Nige swears by them!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hamster Posted 2 June, 2011 Share Posted 2 June, 2011 I likes, FOOOMO and close the door behind you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LGTL Posted 2 June, 2011 Share Posted 2 June, 2011 I could never work in that sort of environment. Can't you just tell them to shut the f*ck up? Or is it different in offices? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hamster Posted 2 June, 2011 Share Posted 2 June, 2011 You got to have faith on the three B's. The three B's are your get out of jail cards. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ecuk268 Posted 2 June, 2011 Share Posted 2 June, 2011 Over the last week I've mapped and gapped the requirements to consolidate everything into a programme of work to maximize synergy capture, productise the content, and optimize our resource utilization If that sounded like work, I'll do some more next week when I'll also do some blue-sky thinking and grab the low-hanging fruit. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Upwind Posted 2 June, 2011 Share Posted 2 June, 2011 Last week I heard the following utterance.........."Can I stir fry an idea in your think-wok?" I'm still not quite sure what stopped me from head-butting the guy (repeatedly) right there and then. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hamster Posted 2 June, 2011 Share Posted 2 June, 2011 surpisingly, a couple of years ago we were all told that the term 'brainstorming' was no longer acceptible. I camt quite remember the reason, iirc it was something related to epilepsy. Its one of the few that imo people undertand to mean anything. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thorpe-le-Saint Posted 2 June, 2011 Share Posted 2 June, 2011 surpisingly, a couple of years ago we were all told that the term 'brainstorming' was no longer acceptible. I camt quite remember the reason, iirc it was something related to epilepsy. Its one of the few that imo people undertand to mean anything. Correct. 'Mind map' or (for kiddies) 'Spider-gram'. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Upwind Posted 2 June, 2011 Share Posted 2 June, 2011 Or you could go for a visioning session, or even a meeting to facipulate thoughts...... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EastleighSoulBoy Posted 2 June, 2011 Share Posted 2 June, 2011 surpisingly, a couple of years ago we were all told that the term 'brainstorming' was no longer acceptible. I camt quite remember the reason, iirc it was something related to epilepsy. Its one of the few that imo people undertand to mean anything. When at Ford I called these sessions 'blamestorming' because no matter what was discussed it always ended up as the fault of the Maintenance Dept. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marsdinho Posted 2 June, 2011 Share Posted 2 June, 2011 Last week I heard the following utterance.........."Can I stir fry an idea in your think-wok?" I'm still not quite sure what stopped me from head-butting the guy (repeatedly) right there and then. **** me, thats brilliant, made me lol. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Toomer Posted 2 June, 2011 Share Posted 2 June, 2011 We had a young lad join our company in January, whilst in a department heads meeting he started using some of the above, I looked at my MD with a smile on my face, he said to me say what you are thinking P***. I look this lad in the eye and said "Paul if you can't speak in feckin English don't speak at all, my MD then said I would not have been so blunt but please note we don't use terms like that here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Toomer Posted 2 June, 2011 Share Posted 2 June, 2011 Last week I heard the following utterance.........."Can I stir fry an idea in your think-wok?" I'm still not quite sure what stopped me from head-butting the guy (repeatedly) right there and then. If he had used that at our place, I think he might have got the Wok round his head. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
badgerx16 Posted 2 June, 2011 Share Posted 2 June, 2011 You could always respond to this sort of BS with Bingo ! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Deppo Posted 2 June, 2011 Share Posted 2 June, 2011 This is the one that I hate, constantly used in our office: "Let's finger the ideas-m*nge and I think this is two finger job. Pete, Bob you go with this one and let me sniff your fingers for ideas afterwards. If the ideas-m*nge is really wet, we might end up f*cking this one into production. If not, you'll have to lube up and be prepared to take it yourself." I hate that one. It doesn't even make sense. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seaford Saint Posted 2 June, 2011 Share Posted 2 June, 2011 "I have generic doubts" I overheard a phone conversation...I am waiting for a chance to use it myself.....to see what the reaction would be. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hamster Posted 2 June, 2011 Share Posted 2 June, 2011 Have you been smoking those funny fags again hammy? Yes, Sir Meeting closed Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bridge too far Posted 3 June, 2011 Share Posted 3 June, 2011 (edited) Lots of pet hates but here's a couple 1) When people answer a question with 'So ......' 2) 'Managing expectations' 3) 'There is an issue around ........' (No - there's an issue WITH or, more accurately, there's a problem with) I think my current 'favourite' is 'Going forward' Edited 3 June, 2011 by bridge too far Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thefunkygibbons Posted 3 June, 2011 Share Posted 3 June, 2011 What's the backstory here? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
timebomb Posted 3 June, 2011 Share Posted 3 June, 2011 Right, here's the deal ...... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dubai_phil Posted 3 June, 2011 Share Posted 3 June, 2011 Yes, but. We are talking about a Paradigm shift. It's time to think outside the box Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Upwind Posted 3 June, 2011 Share Posted 3 June, 2011 My current 'favourite' is one I heard one of our mechanics using. He stated that a piece of equipment was in for 'Percussive maintenance' - which in the common practice of 'fixing' a piece a equipment by smacking it repeatedly. Similar to a 'techie kick' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crab Lungs Posted 3 June, 2011 Share Posted 3 June, 2011 First time I heard "assume makes an ass out of 'u' and 'me'" I thought it was amusing. Any utterances after that I've despised. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Deppo Posted 3 June, 2011 Share Posted 3 June, 2011 I'm not keen on all that "make everyone a cup of tea and if there aren't any biscuits, get down the shops and make sure you get good ones this time" talk In my oldjob my boss used to have a stock phrase which he always said as the work experience boy left his office: "it's part of the job" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
saint_stevo Posted 3 June, 2011 Share Posted 3 June, 2011 Lets call a spade a spade here (racist?) We will touch base on that next week Total cost of ownership Pertain (recently used wherever possible it seems) Square that one away Let's get together for an idea shower Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crab Lungs Posted 3 June, 2011 Share Posted 3 June, 2011 Let's get together for an idea shower That deserves an immediate punch to whoever says it. No questions. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
saint_stevo Posted 3 June, 2011 Share Posted 3 June, 2011 That deserves an immediate punch to whoever says it. No questions. True, but possibly career limiting Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barry the Badger Posted 3 June, 2011 Share Posted 3 June, 2011 Last week I heard the following utterance.........."Can I stir fry an idea in your think-wok?" I think that's a chat up line. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Deppo Posted 3 June, 2011 Share Posted 3 June, 2011 Let's get together for an idea shower Okay. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Special K Posted 3 June, 2011 Share Posted 3 June, 2011 As an antidote to this, i once took my motor to a mechanic as it had a problem with the starter motor (remember them!?). He said he'd try to repair it. When i went back and asked how he'd got on he said "The f***ing f***ers f***ed." i knew exactly what he meant and was impressed with his use of the word "f***" employing it as a noun, verb and aadjective in a 4 word sentence. Maybe some of our business leaders could adopt this approach to plain speaking instead of chasing blue sky ideas around a flagpole or whatever they do whilst they fiddle with their ********. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JackFrost Posted 3 June, 2011 Share Posted 3 June, 2011 My current 'favourite' is one I heard one of our mechanics using. He stated that a piece of equipment was in for 'Percussive maintenance' - which in the common practice of 'fixing' a piece a equipment by smacking it repeatedly. Similar to a 'techie kick' That could also be called an "Intelligent Engineering Solution" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hamilton Saint Posted 3 June, 2011 Share Posted 3 June, 2011 "Paradigm shift" seems to have died a merciful death. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
benjii Posted 3 June, 2011 Share Posted 3 June, 2011 "Paradigm shift" seems to have died a merciful death. Nothing wrong with Kuhn's work, just popularized unwittingly by the ignorant masses. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dubai_phil Posted 3 June, 2011 Share Posted 3 June, 2011 Mission Statement Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Dark Sotonic Mills Posted 3 June, 2011 Share Posted 3 June, 2011 Why oh why, when I had an interview a couple of years ago, did the HR numpty ask me how many "dial spins" I made? If you mean phone calls, then f*cking say so, you pretentious c*nt. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mao Cap Posted 3 June, 2011 Share Posted 3 June, 2011 The new boss says "touch base" quite a lot. That's actually fairly benign as corporate-speak goes, but it still makes me shudder when I hear it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Turkish Posted 4 June, 2011 Share Posted 4 June, 2011 Lets Park this for now Lets take a raincheck Under promise over deliver It's all smoke and mirrors You can only p*ss with your own c*ck If you want to run with the big dogs you cant p*ss like a poodle My tw*t of a Sales Director in a previous job to a collegue who he thought had insulted him "if you want to play with the Bull you're gonna feel his horns" Push back Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Dark Sotonic Mills Posted 4 June, 2011 Share Posted 4 June, 2011 I am sure that these people use this sort of gobbledegook to try to hide their incompetence. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Deppo Posted 4 June, 2011 Share Posted 4 June, 2011 I prefer to display my incompetence openly. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RonManager Posted 4 June, 2011 Share Posted 4 June, 2011 I prefer to display my incompetence openly. I'd like to display my incompetence openly, but I'm too incompetent. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Huffton Posted 4 June, 2011 Share Posted 4 June, 2011 The firm I used to work for took on a new manager who was well into all this business jargon crap. One day he was giving one of the lads a bit of a bollocking for something for other, and finished with the line' and remember, theres no I in team!', to which the nipper replied, 'no, but theres definetley a U in cu nt'. I did laugh. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BadgerBadger Posted 5 June, 2011 Author Share Posted 5 June, 2011 Last week I heard the following utterance.........."Can I stir fry an idea in your think-wok?" QUOTE] theres no I in team!', to which the nipper replied, 'no, but theres definetley a U in cu nt'. I did laugh. Couple of fuking gems - I will empower myself to roll these out across the business savannah in a positive undercutting of personnel over inflating their mission status progress Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
saintfully Posted 5 June, 2011 Share Posted 5 June, 2011 Climb the strategic staircase to success. Put a pound in the cappuccino machine and see if it comes out frothy. Gather in the low-hanging fruit. (I'm now off to be sick, have a dump and finally a cleansing shower). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hamster Posted 5 June, 2011 Share Posted 5 June, 2011 'sir' and 'madam' fall into the category too I reckon. It's downhill after that. When you meet someone ask their name ffs. In some situations you'd proceed with 'Mister/Missus/Miss X' but that's as far as business speak need go Even in maccy D's they wind me up by calling me 'Sir'. I'm not a 'Sir' and even if the queen offered me one of them shighthoods I'd decline. All you need say is 'Hello, what would you like to order?' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Badger Posted 5 June, 2011 Share Posted 5 June, 2011 Let's get together for an idea shower I think that one became popular when "brainstorming" was deemed politically incorrect. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hamster Posted 5 June, 2011 Share Posted 5 June, 2011 I had a boss suggest we had a shower once just after a heated brainstorming session. I declined as I didn't have a towel with me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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