1976_Child Posted 27 May, 2011 Posted 27 May, 2011 Since I changed my diet to include a lot more salad I am finding that my expenditure on loo paper has gone down by about a third. When I used to eat a lot of grease mush I would have to wipe at least four times to get it all off. Now I am down to an easy two wipes, sometimes three if my hemorrhoids burst. I would be interested to know what the average number is?
Dog Posted 27 May, 2011 Posted 27 May, 2011 I normally do a quick index finger wipe, and then spread it up the walls or all over the door handle. Toilet roll is for pussy's!
thesaint sfc Posted 27 May, 2011 Posted 27 May, 2011 Till it starts to bleed. Cleanliness is next to godliness.
swannymere Posted 27 May, 2011 Posted 27 May, 2011 Toilet paper is planet unfriendly so i use the local jetwash, never been fresher.
scotty Posted 27 May, 2011 Posted 27 May, 2011 I have to say it, theres way too much information on this site lately. Im checking out til we sign Owen.
SNSUN Posted 27 May, 2011 Posted 27 May, 2011 Depends how much the IBS is acting up. From time to time I do turds that require one wipe, love em. I'm not averse to a quick shower after a particularly sloppy biscuit.
Deppo Posted 27 May, 2011 Posted 27 May, 2011 I begrudge it when I wipe, only to find out that I have produced what is clearly a no-wiper. Is there a more efficient way of finding out if it is a no-wiper? As, essentially at the moment, I can never have an actual no-wiper because I always have to wipe to find out.
cleaver Posted 27 May, 2011 Posted 27 May, 2011 Aah, you are the person that plagues every building site toilet that I use. I had always thought that it was a dirty skate bastard, but it turns out to be one of our own, how shameful is that? You must be a bricky or a plasterer, cos wet trades have no shame, wherever they're from!!
saintscottofthenortham Posted 27 May, 2011 Posted 27 May, 2011 Aah, you are the person that plagues every building site toilet that I use. I had always thought that it was a dirty skate bastard, but it turns out to be one of our own, how shameful is that? You must be a bricky or a plasterer, cos wet trades have no shame, wherever they're from!! Cannot beat the building site Portapoopers in the middle of summer. Mmmmmm Mmmmmm! I'm not a wet trade, but you'd have me down as one if you were to engage the pooperhausen after me.
1976_Child Posted 27 May, 2011 Author Posted 27 May, 2011 Cannot beat the building site Portapoopers in the middle of summer. Mmmmmm Mmmmmm! I'm not a wet trade, but you'd have me down as one if you were to engage the pooperhausen after me. I've been in one when the c-unting brickies pushed it over. Ha feking ha. Faking retarded non-jobbers. Ooo we're so clever! We can stack bricks on top of each other! Turd pots.
latter day saint Posted 27 May, 2011 Posted 27 May, 2011 I begrudge it when I wipe, only to find out that I have produced what is clearly a no-wiper. Is there a more efficient way of finding out if it is a no-wiper? As, essentially at the moment, I can never have an actual no-wiper because I always have to wipe to find out. a ladies compact mirror would do the job. just pull the love spuds out the way & have a quick shifty with the mirror.
1976_Child Posted 27 May, 2011 Author Posted 27 May, 2011 a ladies compact mirror would do the job. just pull the love spuds out the way & have a quick shifty with the mirror. or, just pull up your y-fronts, squeeze yer cheeks together. Then inspect. If you see annal residue smeared onto your cotton undies then you should probably have wiped.
saintscottofthenortham Posted 27 May, 2011 Posted 27 May, 2011 I've been in one when the c-unting brickies pushed it over. Ha feking ha. Faking retarded non-jobbers. Ooo we're so clever! We can stack bricks on top of each other! Turd pots. Oh. Dear. I would see the flashbacks every time I closed my eyes. Were you a c*nt to em'? (as in, prior to the incident.)
1976_Child Posted 27 May, 2011 Author Posted 27 May, 2011 Oh. Dear. I would see the flashbacks every time I closed my eyes. Were you a c*nt to em'? (as in, prior to the incident.) No I was not. They just thought it would be a laugh. One of them is an B&H Albion fan. Explains it all really. Still, I got my own back. While they weren't looking I chucked all their pug away. They had to go get the mixer out and start over again!! Knob heads. Serves them right.
saintscottofthenortham Posted 27 May, 2011 Posted 27 May, 2011 No I was not. They just thought it would be a laugh. One of them is an B&H Albion fan. Explains it all really. Still, I got my own back. While they weren't looking I chucked all their pug away. They had to go get the mixer out and start over again!! Knob heads. Serves them right. Certainly explains it. It seems that 99% of trades I work alongside are skates. I once found all my tools bound in chain and hanging from a RSJ 30ft up. When the plumber went to walk away with his tools only to find it fixed to the floor and his arm was near on out of his socket he wasn't laughing then. Then two boxes of Coco Pops were emtied into it... he didn't find that funny either.
dubai_phil Posted 27 May, 2011 Posted 27 May, 2011 Crappers here all have a mini hose pipe alongside them. A visiting Sarf African employee says. What are those hose for. Washing your arse is the reply Yuk why d you want to do that "Cos we're not Sarf Afrikaan
1976_Child Posted 27 May, 2011 Author Posted 27 May, 2011 Crappers here all have a mini hose pipe alongside them. A visiting Sarf African employee says. What are those hose for. Washing your arse is the reply Yuk why d you want to do that "Cos we're not Sarf Afrikaan Is it true that A-Rabs always wipe with their left hand?
hamster Posted 28 May, 2011 Posted 28 May, 2011 The correct terminology is 'The Glory Wipe'. If you ever have the opportunity to use a 'Closomat' toilet you should treat yourself, it is the ultimate wc experience. I like to 'go' in works time and even have an app on my phone to tell me how much I have earnt whilst engaged. However, due to some tight-arse at head orifice we get supplied with loo roll that resembles sandpaper, which is not recommended if one has had a certain procedure procedured. For this reason I decided to start using the clients Closomat and have never looked back (literally). I have also inadvertently redressed the lack of pay rise situation by reducing my actual working hours, I'm quids in.
SNSUN Posted 28 May, 2011 Posted 28 May, 2011 I likes a good bidet. There's no better feeling than experiencing than that jet of powerful water shooting up yer back passage. An (ex-) mate of mine once told me he used his border collie to lick his anus clean. I hope he was joking.
dubai_phil Posted 28 May, 2011 Posted 28 May, 2011 Is it true that A-Rabs always wipe with their left hand? Yup. Desert Technique - fold napkin into 8. tear small hole in centre. Insert left index finger through hole. Wipe with left hand index finger. Pull finger through napkin to complete wiping process. It is also why when dining with an Arab (esp in Business) it is regarded as an utter offence to use you left hand to raise any food to your mouth - always use Knife & Fork OR hold bread etc with right hand. Also it is why they get so mad (see Great Ormond Street Doctor in Dubai Jail Story) when you give them the finger (That one's for Atticus)
hamster Posted 28 May, 2011 Posted 28 May, 2011 Checking the Closomat site i noted a 'Downloads' link!!! Rather disappointingly it just leads to some crappy PDF manuals. I was of course hoping for a gallery.
dubai_phil Posted 28 May, 2011 Posted 28 May, 2011 Checking the Closomat site i noted a 'Downloads' link!!! Rather disappointingly it just leads to some crappy PDF manuals. I was of course hoping for a gallery. Wow technology eh. You need to download PDF's before having a download? Don't see that catching on without a broadband upgrade, imagine all that hanging around when you REALLY have to go
Jonnyboy Posted 28 May, 2011 Posted 28 May, 2011 Crappers here all have a mini hose pipe alongside them. A visiting Sarf African employee says. What are those hose for. Washing your arse is the reply Yuk why d you want to do that "Cos we're not Sarf Afrikaan Love those. Always used them in Thailand. Most refreshing.
Deppo Posted 28 May, 2011 Posted 28 May, 2011 Once I'm clean, I like to get a new bit of toilet paper and pretend I'm still wiping, but instead stick a finger in my bum and play with my prostate. I bet we all do that, don't we?
benjii Posted 29 May, 2011 Posted 29 May, 2011 How do you finger your prostate properly? I've never really figured it out.
Deppo Posted 29 May, 2011 Posted 29 May, 2011 I begrudge it when I wipe, only to find out that I have produced what is clearly a no-wiper. Is there a more efficient way of finding out if it is a no-wiper? As, essentially at the moment, I can never have an actual no-wiper because I always have to wipe to find out. a ladies compact mirror would do the job. just pull the love spuds out the way & have a quick shifty with the mirror. I tried this today, whilst out shopping. Took ages finding a lady who would come into the toilets and hold her compact mirror up behind my bumhole though.
latter day saint Posted 29 May, 2011 Posted 29 May, 2011 I tried this today, whilst out shopping. Took ages finding a lady who would come into the toilets and hold her compact mirror up behind my bumhole though. See, that's the problem nowadays. no one wants to help out a person in need.
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