SO16_Saint Posted 22 March, 2011 Share Posted 22 March, 2011 In the past 6 months 4 people close to me / my wife have died. Is it wrong that I feel nothing? I just don't feel any different, nothing. The wife is distraught tonight, but me, nothing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hamster Posted 22 March, 2011 Share Posted 22 March, 2011 PeoPle handle these things in the way they do and in my line of workmi frequently deal with bereavement on top of family and friends. I can't honestly tell which ones effect me the most but each one does effect me to some degree. I've known people fall apart at the loss of a client yet hold it together at the loss of a next of kin. I've also known people who havevreally struggled with the loss of someone who has in the past been a complete a hole to them, that I do not understand. It's when we question our emotions that we are least likely to unravel them imo too, Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liquidshokk Posted 22 March, 2011 Share Posted 22 March, 2011 In the past 6 months 4 people close to me / my wife have died. Is it wrong that I feel nothing? I just don't feel any different, nothing. The wife is distraught tonight, but me, nothing. I know what you mean. I have lost a couple of relatives in the last couple of years and still have no real idea what it means to mourn, as I felt very little. Some people fall to bits yet I don't and it feels wrong not to doesn't it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hamster Posted 22 March, 2011 Share Posted 22 March, 2011 Bridgey, you okay forba PM mate? It's quite important on an unrelated subject. Feel free to say no as it can wait. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liquidshokk Posted 23 March, 2011 Share Posted 23 March, 2011 Bizarre that this subject has come up actually as I've been conscious for a while of the fact that I haven't lost anyone close for years yet a big one came out of the blue last week. Found out earlier that my brother was good friends with the guy who died in lodge road yesterday too so there's a lot of deaths coming to my attention lately... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
saint boggy Posted 23 March, 2011 Share Posted 23 March, 2011 i have heard of 4 deaths close to friends of mine so far this year, (2 of which were their older relatives,1 was a young lad who was killed in a car crash and ,the hardest 1 to deal with was, a 32 year old who was killed by cancer). I received a phone call yesterday to say that my Aunt is currently in intensive care and will ,in all likelihood, not last til the weekend.. This year just seems COMPLETELY sh1t... I was sad for my friends who lost their loved ones/mates but it didnt really affect my life at all but i know i'll be sad about my aunty.I never used to deal with death very well , it has never really been a major factor in my life (have not lost anyone THAT close to me ...yet) , but i do feel that with age i cope better with it than i used to.. Obviously the OP's coping mechanism is just to carry on ......thats fair enough......each to their own,eh. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sussexsaint Posted 23 March, 2011 Share Posted 23 March, 2011 Same for me bud, guess we just have a protective shell , doesn't mean you are insesitive or anything. Ultimately its all in the natural order of things. I work in the NHS and deal with death pretty much every day. What does upset me though is seeing people I really care about getting upset about it though, ut even that doesn't make me break down Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dog Posted 23 March, 2011 Share Posted 23 March, 2011 I've had to kill 2 Hamsters this year so far. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NorthamSteve Posted 23 March, 2011 Share Posted 23 March, 2011 I've had to kill 2 Hamsters this year so far. Wow, you're a **** aren't you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liquidshokk Posted 23 March, 2011 Share Posted 23 March, 2011 Is it really a coping/protective mechanism? Lacking the normal emotions in these scenarios makes me feel bad and more often than not I want to break down and let it out but nothings there... I quite often liking these feeling to those Dexter experiences in the tv series (without the murdering part!) where he struggles to feel normal emotions in love life, death etc. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
benjii Posted 23 March, 2011 Share Posted 23 March, 2011 This thread made me think of this: I'm not trying to be inappropriate or funny but it really did bring this song to mind. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dibden Purlieu Saint Posted 23 March, 2011 Share Posted 23 March, 2011 I know what you mean. I have lost a couple of relatives in the last couple of years and still have no real idea what it means to mourn, as I felt very little. Some people fall to bits yet I don't and it feels wrong not to doesn't it. I know exactly what you mean. This happened when my Grandad died a few years ago. I didn't cry or anything, and I was suddenly thinking is there something wrong with me? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Poshie72 Posted 23 March, 2011 Share Posted 23 March, 2011 I have had to deal with 2 deaths this year, one was a very close friend of ours who had a heart attack at 49. The other was my cousins baby who was still born at 41 and a half weeks. The second was definately alot harder to deal with. Both deaths were a reminder of how precious life really is. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lumuah Posted 23 March, 2011 Share Posted 23 March, 2011 Weirdly, i'm more upset at the passing of a dog than a person. I think it is down to the amount of death we see in the media. You kinda get desensitised to it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lighthouse Posted 23 March, 2011 Share Posted 23 March, 2011 I have had to deal with 2 deaths this year, one was a very close friend of ours who had a heart attack at 49. The other was my cousins baby who was still born at 41 and a half weeks. The second was definately alot harder to deal with. Both deaths were a reminder of how precious life really is. Strangely, I think if I were in the same situation it would be the other way around. If I lost a close friend or family member I'd be gutted. I think (and I hope to heck I never get the chance to find out) I'd probably feel quite hollow and numb at the loss of an unborn baby. I think it's because I wouldn't know them as a person. It would basically be like a person I'd never seen or met dying. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dog Posted 23 March, 2011 Share Posted 23 March, 2011 Wow, you're a **** aren't you. Yes I am, but the two I killed both were poorly and had runny arses, and I was asked to terminate their hamster lives. Thank you for your kind words. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 23 March, 2011 Share Posted 23 March, 2011 Interesting thread Bridgey, and its not something you can alter yourself. I mean, you cant force yourself to feel distraught when you arent, can you. I havent yet lost an immediate family member, (dad, mum, sister,) but I have lost an uncle I was very close to and a grandfather and grandmother who were even closer and it didnt really affect me. I mean, it was upsetting when I got the news, but that passed within a few hours tbh and I just accepted it. Thats all well and good, but what I cant understand is that a guy I had only known for about 18 months, and not so much socially (although it became that way,) he got killed by his stepson a few years ago just after christmas. I was absolutely devastated, why the f*ck should that be? The only reason I can think of is that he turned up out of the blue and helped with a massive backlog of work at a time I was really struggling to cover everything, between us we cleared it in about 3 months, so maybe it was a kind of gratitude-type thing. Very odd tho. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gaz Posted 23 March, 2011 Share Posted 23 March, 2011 I'm 25 and have been lucky that there has been no deaths in my family or mates that I see in the last 10 years or so. But I'm massively into motorsport and post on a lot of car-related forums and I honestly got tearful when two prolific posters passed away within 6 months of each other (one through cancer, one through a car accident). I also welled up when I heard about Colin McRae dying, and David Leslie's plane crash, yet if a footballer dies or someone in the public eye, I just say awwwww and move on. I think its harder if you actually know the person or follow them/associate with them closely, but we all feel and react to things differently, its just a foilble of being human. As long as you can respect the needs of others to mourn and don't be insensitive about it, I wouldn't worry. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tpbury Posted 23 March, 2011 Share Posted 23 March, 2011 I have had to deal with 2 deaths this year, one was a very close friend of ours who had a heart attack at 49. The other was my cousins baby who was still born at 41 and a half weeks. The second was definately alot harder to deal with. Both deaths were a reminder of how precious life really is. I cannot understand why doctors let pregnancies go post term. I know half a dozen cases like this when a c-section would have kept the baby alive, but they died due to strangulation/infection. Maybe it's impossible to perform the operation when the baby is engaged, maybe just too expensive? I don't know, but this is the kind of death that has a real impact on me - because it oughtn't have happened. As a boy, I had a wonderful cat that I loved but got poisoned - I didn't react at all. A year later a hamster of ours died and I was blubbing like a baby, but I didn't give a rat's arse about the stupid hamster, I was crying about the cat! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Special K Posted 23 March, 2011 Share Posted 23 March, 2011 I have had to deal with 2 deaths this year, one was a very close friend of ours who had a heart attack at 49. The other was my cousins baby who was still born at 41 and a half weeks. The second was definately alot harder to deal with. Both deaths were a reminder of how precious life really is. Interesting. An elderly relative of mine passed away last year and i wasn't upset by it. The way i looked at it was that she was a good old girl, had a good life, lived it well and had a bloody good innings to get to her early 90's. A year or so earlier, a couple who i am close to lost their baby at 4 days and i was quite distraught by this. I guess there were a few more emotions going on, but i know where you are coming from. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Poshie72 Posted 23 March, 2011 Share Posted 23 March, 2011 Strangely, I think if I were in the same situation it would be the other way around. If I lost a close friend or family member I'd be gutted. I think (and I hope to heck I never get the chance to find out) I'd probably feel quite hollow and numb at the loss of an unborn baby. I think it's because I wouldn't know them as a person. It would basically be like a person I'd never seen or met dying. Not sure why the loss of the baby affected me more. Whether it was because we had been looking forward to a new addition the family, and instead we were having to deal with the sudden death I cannot understand why doctors let pregnancies go post term. I know half a dozen cases like this when a c-section would have kept the baby alive, but they died due to strangulation/infection. Maybe it's impossible to perform the operation when the baby is engaged, maybe just too expensive? I don't know, but this is the kind of death that has a real impact on me - because it oughtn't have happened. I agree. Unfortuantly for my cousin and his wife the agony still goes on. Nearly 2 months after the tragic loss, they are still waiting for an explanation, if there is one, as to what happened. They have been told that they wont know until towards the end of April. Whether it could have prevented, we wait to see, but what we do knowis she was alive on the Thursday and had died 3 days later. It makes me grateful for the 3 healthy children that I have, even if they do drive me up the wall at times! Interesting. An elderly relative of mine passed away last year and i wasn't upset by it. The way i looked at it was that she was a good old girl, had a good life, lived it well and had a bloody good innings to get to her early 90's. A year or so earlier, a couple who i am close to lost their baby at 4 days and i was quite distraught by this. I guess there were a few more emotions going on, but i know where you are coming from. Maybe thats the answer. The older the person is the more acceptable death seems to be even though it is no less tragic. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pedro Posted 23 March, 2011 Share Posted 23 March, 2011 Have lost an elderly mother and had no emotion, done my best for her when she was alive and relieved when she died, was more upset when she was ill in hospital. Also lost a 12 day old baby girl in 1972 with very little emotion but still think of her regularly of what might have been. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chrisobee Posted 24 March, 2011 Share Posted 24 March, 2011 This is always a very hard, very personal issue to discuss and in terms of what you should feel I believe there is no answer to that. I was 19 when my Sister died in 1975, 6 years later one of my closest friends died at the age of 25 in a cycle accident. By that time I had lost all my grandparents also. I do think those bereavements taught me the value of life but also in later years when a relative/friend died I did have a strange lack of any real feelings though I always felt much sorrier for my parents who lost brothers and sisters etc: In 2005 in the space of 6 months I lost 2 uncles, an aunt and a great aunt. That did lead to a spell off work as I was really depressed though again there was also a great deal of concern for my parents. I think Poshie has it pretty much correct ( from my perspective ) : "Maybe thats the answer. The older the person is the more acceptable death seems to be even though it is no less tragic." I believe that is true. My Dad died in 2008, he was 84. Unsurprisingly I did feel that loss greatly and still miss him but my close family ( Mum, brother ) and I were determined the day of his funeral would be a celebration of his life, it was. A glorious late summer's day and a chance to reflect upon a long life well spent and I owe so many of my best memories to my Dad including my support for Saints. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tony13579 Posted 24 March, 2011 Share Posted 24 March, 2011 I don't feel any sorrow or grief if the person lived a long life. Both my parents died young of nasty illnesses. In both cases I wanted the inevitable end to hurry up. That does not help the grieving process I lost a friend I was working on. A project with. I really miss him and his input. He truly is irreplaceable. The project died with him. I do feel sorrow that my dad couldn't be here today with todays technology to play with. He was at the cutting edge at IBM and was always making, improving, improvising. He was on the team that brought the first cash machine to Lloyds. He built the first calculator I had ever seen from a kit. He added return flow thermostats to our coal fired central heating system to prevent the water overheating and popping. He added a small rear airfoil to our estate car that kept the rear window clean. My poor mum had the same eletrolux vacuum for 30 years because he kept repairing it. I can only guess what home automation he might. Have cobbled together with a pc and a few wifi toys. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tpbury Posted 24 March, 2011 Share Posted 24 March, 2011 I don't feel any sorrow or grief if the person lived a long life. Both my parents died young of nasty illnesses. In both cases I wanted the inevitable end to hurry up. That does not help the grieving process I lost a friend I was working on. A project with. I really miss him and his input. He truly is irreplaceable. The project died with him. I do feel sorrow that my dad couldn't be here today with todays technology to play with. He was at the cutting edge at IBM and was always making, improving, improvising. He was on the team that brought the first cash machine to Lloyds. He built the first calculator I had ever seen from a kit. He added return flow thermostats to our coal fired central heating system to prevent the water overheating and popping. He added a small rear airfoil to our estate car that kept the rear window clean. My poor mum had the same eletrolux vacuum for 30 years because he kept repairing it. I can only guess what home automation he might. Have cobbled together with a pc and a few wifi toys. Cool. I suppose you can make the best of your talents and show your kids how to make the best of theirs, just like your dad did - that makes the ending of life worthwhile I suppose. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liquidshokk Posted 24 March, 2011 Share Posted 24 March, 2011 (edited) Cool. I suppose you can make the best of your talents and show your kids how to make the best of theirs, just like your dad did - that makes the ending of life worthwhile I suppose. Tomorrow I am attending the funeral of my birth mother who I never met. Think that is going to be a test of my emotions and dont know how I will/should feel. I have felt very little when I have lost those that were close, let alone relatives I've never met... That said I've only lost old relatives in the past so I think the age point is relevant. My fear is that I will feel very little (or should I say struggle to mourn) the day that I do lose someone in my immediate family who are very close to me......I'd like to think I handle that very differently and feel as I think I should. Edited 24 March, 2011 by Liquidshokk Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Viking Warrior Posted 24 March, 2011 Share Posted 24 March, 2011 Death makes you sit up at times I listened to the news yesterday about someone bing killed in a bomb blast in Jureselam , and then I heard she was British She comes from Orkney and Like so many I and others know the family Se was a teacher here and went off to study hebrew Rest in Peace Mary Jane sad day for folk up here being such a small community Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
saint boggy Posted 24 March, 2011 Share Posted 24 March, 2011 i have heard of 4 deaths close to friends of mine so far this year, (2 of which were their older relatives,1 was a young lad who was killed in a car crash and ,the hardest 1 to deal with was, a 32 year old who was killed by cancer). I received a phone call yesterday to say that my Aunt is currently in intensive care and will ,in all likelihood, not last til the weekend.. This year just seems COMPLETELY sh1t... I was sad for my friends who lost their loved ones/mates but it didnt really affect my life at all but i know i'll be sad about my aunty.I never used to deal with death very well , it has never really been a major factor in my life (have not lost anyone THAT close to me ...yet) , but i do feel that with age i cope better with it than i used to.. Obviously the OP's coping mechanism is just to carry on ......thats fair enough......each to their own,eh. My Aunty passed away this morning, so it has made me sad , but she has had ill-health for years now and really suffered in the last couple of years.....i don't feel sadness at her death as such,it's sadness and sympathy for my Uncle and cousins (her children) that makes me sad, and it makes me realise that MY parents won't be around forever......still, thats the circle of life i suppose and without it NONE of us would be alive now..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jonnyboy Posted 24 March, 2011 Share Posted 24 March, 2011 I went to my last Grandparent's funeral on Monday. She made it to 90 so did well. I noted that the only tears were coming from the females present... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Saint_Jonny Posted 26 March, 2011 Share Posted 26 March, 2011 We're all different I spose. Last time I lost a relative it seemed to go straight over my head, obviously I was sad, but not as sad as you might think, I didn't mourn. On the opposite side of this though, a year previous my dog died, and I lost it like a kid who couldn't have what it wanted in a toy shop. A 20 year old guy, crying like a baby. I spose being a bloke, if someone close to you dies, its almost natural to 'put the shields up' and let it gloss over you, as you are usually the one that has to be there for other people, holding it all together. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ohio Saint Posted 27 March, 2011 Share Posted 27 March, 2011 Weirdly, i'm more upset at the passing of a dog than a person. Me too. I was with my best dog ever when she died years ago and I was a wreck. I was also with my mother when she died. Quite bizarrely, it was not nearly as bad for me. I don't think the way one deals with death is so much about sensitivity or lack thereof, but more to do with one's understanding of death and beliefs or theories on what death really is. To me, it is just the end, nothing left, no afterlife etc. I think this is why I can feel detached from death as far as the deceased is concerned. That only leaves what it means to me as the one left behind. In the case of my dog, she didn't know what was happening or even have a clue about death and we had no opportunity to discuss it. My mother, however, knew she was dying, what it meant, and we had the chance to say our farewells. I don't feel bad about feeling worse for my dog than my mother because of the different situations. This might be the same as in the situation in the original post. Although person A dies, and persons B and C may have been equally connected there should be no morality contest to feel any predetermined amount of grief........Hold on, this post is taking a long time........Am I drunk? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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