Security Alerts

[miserableoldgit]

I must admit that I found this mildly amusing:-

 

 

"The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist

threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved."

Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or

even "A Bit Cross." "A Bit Cross" has not been used since the blitz in

1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been

re-categorised from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time

the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the

great fire of 1666.

 

The Scots raised their threat level from "****ed Off" to "Let's get the

Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they

have been used on the frontline in the British army for the last 300

years.

 

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror

alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France

are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a

recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively

paralysing the country's military capability.

 

The Italians have increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and

excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain:

"Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

 

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance"

to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two

higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

 

The Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the

only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

 

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.

These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish

navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

 

The Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all of

their allies, just in case.

 

The Australians, meanwhile, have raised their security level from "No

worries" to "She'll be alright, mate." Three more escalation levels

remain, "Crikey!, "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend"

and although this one has never been warranted, "The Barbie is

cancelled."

 

The New Zealanders have also raised their security levels - from "baaa"

to "BAAAA!" Due to continuing defence cutbacks (the air force being a

squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some

toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more

level of escalation, which is "****, I hope Australia will come and

rescue us."

 

 

 

 

 

[sperm_john]

very good! fwd'ing that around the lads as we speak

[scotty]

^me too, excellent!!