Really stupid comments

[Guest Dark Sotonic Mills]

A friend of my Daughter, who has been not feeling well recently announced to us the other day that:

 

"The Doctor doesn't know what's wrong with me. He's sending me up to the hospital for an autopsy".

 

Anyone else have friends who would have given Jade Goody a run for her money?

[scotty]

My wife once announced to the decorator that she liked the idea of "a dildo rail" in our front room instead of a picture rail

[JackFrost]

A friend of mine has a habit of getting isolated words mixed up.

 

He once claimed "the rain and wind is horrendous, there must be a typhoid blowing out there"

 

My writing was "inelligible"

 

Someone "hit their head and got percussion"

[Red Alert]

I love this site http://failbook.failblog.org/ for this kind of thing. I read this about as often as real facebook.

[Arizona]

My wife once announced to the decorator that she liked the idea of "a dildo rail" in our front room instead of a picture rail

 

Are you sure she just wasn't trying to get some action? I'd be careful if I were you, maybe consider hiring a different decorator.

[scotty]

Are you sure she just wasn't trying to get some action? I'd be careful if I were you, maybe consider hiring a different decorator.

 

lol, no worries there mate, he was flaming

[Arizona]

lol, no worries there mate, he was flaming

 

Yes, I use that act when their boyfriends are around too.

[MongoNeil]

I love this site http://failbook.failblog.org/ for this kind of thing. I read this about as often as real facebook.

 

Yep, that site is farking hilarious.

[EastleighSoulBoy]

Yep, that site is farking hilarious.

 

That reminds me of the time my Mrs recounted a funny tale to me ending on the note that she thought it was historical.

[Jonnyboy]

Are you sure she just wasn't trying to get some action? I'd be careful if I were you, maybe consider hiring a different decorator.

 

my mrs asked the bloody ice cream van for a 69 the other day

[saint_bert]

A colleague of mine was insistant that "Stonehenge is in Scotland"

[maysie]

My sister is renowned for these:

 

As a late teen when I asked her who Englands topscorer is she said 'The one with the comb over......Winston Churchill'

 

All of these in her twenties:

 

'the sun and the moon are the same thing'

 

In a supermarket when asked where the eggs were 'Near the milk because they come from the same animal'

 

'Are Jesus and God the same person' Referenced the bible as 'the Jesus book'

 

Thought the 'black-market' was a market ran by black people who sold stolen goods.

[Clapham Saint]

There was a chap at school who came out with a load of these including:

 

"Guys, is Christmas on the 27th or the 28th this year?"

 

and

 

"Do veggie burgers have meat in them?"

 

He's a doctor now...

[ChrisPY]

Had a mate staying round when we were about 15. My mum tells us she doesn't want to find the house ruined when she comes back.

My mate sarcastically replies "Yeah, we're nymphomaniacs."

 

He meant pyromaniacs.

[Jesus Reigned]

Had a mate staying round when we were about 15. My mum tells us she doesn't want to find the house ruined when she comes back.

My mate sarcastically replies "Yeah, we're nymphomaniacs."

 

He meant pyromaniacs.

 

Or did he?

[Sevvy]

In our last house the wife wanted me to put in a gas fire,she thought (bless her) it would be easy just connect it to the nearest radiator, we had gas central heating,now you can see where this is going.

 

It was hard work trying to get her to understand this.

[Redbul]

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-europe-11419212

 

"France's ex-justice minister Rachida Dati mixed up the words "fellatio" and "inflation" - which sound similar in French - during a TV interview.

She told Canal Plus: "I see some [foreign investment funds] looking for returns of 20 or 25% at a time when fellatio is close to zero.""

 

 

Just a slip of the tongue....

[RedAndWhite91]

I have a mate who comes out with such classics as:

 

"17 out of 15 people in her team are lesbians!"

 

In 2008 - "My phone is from like 1999!!! SEVEN YEARS OLD!!"

 

"I met some fit twins on holiday... Yeah, one was 18, and one was 15."

 

"So... Can Governments actually change the law?"

 

"My Dad got banned from a country" Upon being asked what country it was, he replied "Brussels".

[Lets B Avenue]

A bloke in our pub came out with a classic when seeing someone with a certain distinctive hairstyle.

 

"Who does he think he is? Last of the Moroccons?"

[SuperMikey]

Was discussing a burgeoning relationship between two people I know with one of my mates last year, and he remarked;

 

"Yeah, he was all over her like a cement mixer on a driveway"

 

 

..............

[Colinjb]

An anecdote by an old mate of mine always made us hang our heads in disbelief. He used to work on cross chanel ships as an attendant.

 

Passenger (In rough conditions I may add...): Excuse me, is there a pool table we could play on board?

[RedAndWhite91]

Another mate of mine once asked "how old was your house when it was built?"

[iansums]

I remember years ago whilst the whole family was sat down for Sunday lunch the conversation turned to Boy George. I made a derogatory comment about him to which my Mum replied 'Oh no, I think he's good. I like his new one, what's it called? Karma Sutra'

[The Cat]

We once convinced a friend that Friday had been canceled that week, she totally believed it too.

 

Not that they're stupid comments as such as they are from my 5 year old son, but he's come out with a few classics along the way. My favourite was from a couple of years back when he was chatting to a 60 year old woman from round the corner about Playgroup when from out of the blue he asked her why she had stubble. He's also asked a bloke about 50 why his hands were shaking, a 30 year old woman why she was so fat, and in the presence of a dwarf in our local shop shouted out "DADDY, I SEE A LITTLE MAN"

[SuperMikey]

I also once convinced one of my friends that Meryl Streep had starred in a film called 'Black Booty 2'. She then asked me if it was a sequel to 'Black Beauty'. I said yes.

[Guest Dark Sotonic Mills]

A girl I used to work with told us that she knew something was wrong because she "sniffed a rat".

[buctootim]

At school yonks ago somebody put an 'official' notice on the board in the teachers common room that due to the UK's movement to the metric system their working hours and holiday conditions were to be changed. They would be working 10 metric hours a day in the new 10 days per metric week. We know some fell for it (teachers in a grammar school ffs) because of the stern lecture in assembly about disruptive behaviour.

[Jonnyboy]

I showed my other half a video of a blue whale today, she turned round and said:

 

"Isn't it amazing how an animal so big can survive just by eating quail!"

[Mr Biscuits]

An aunt of mine once quoted the queen. Apparently she had had a 'horrible anus'

 

It's called malapropism and my mum was great at bless her. She was forever doing it but nothing ever came close to that quote from my aunt.

[jjsaint]

My favourite (heard it a few times from people who should know better): The Watford Gap is somewhere in Watford. Therefore anyone north of Watford is a Northerner.

[Hatch]

Someone I used to work with always referred to bad people as ' a nasty piece of cake'