TSM Crap Joke Suppository....

[hamster]

I met that bloke once when I'd gone out without my watch on so I asked him "Got the time on yuh cock?"

 

Muchos Gracias penis - ta very much cock

 

I met a Spanish fireman yesterday, out with his two sons, Jose and hose B

[tpbury]

Surely it's time to crack open the 'what do you call a bloke with....' barrel.

 

Here's some:

 

no arms and no legs in Swimming Pool - Bob

wearing brown paper bags - Russell

with spade in head - Doug

without spade in head - Douglas

rabbit up backside - Warren

buried in mud - Pete

 

fish with no eyes - fsh

 

And hamster, you're obviously not monitoring this page closely enough as I already did the 'fairer than that joke'

[hamster]

What do you call a blind dinosaur - doyafinkesaurus

 

What do you call a man with 3 planks on his head - Edwood woodwood

[ericofarabia]

What do you call an animal with a ***** halfway up its back?

 

A Policehorse.

[dronskisaint]

What do you call a man with a joint of bacon on his head?

 

Hamed

 

What do you call a man with two joints of bacon on his head?

 

Mohammed

 

What do you call a man with two joints of bacon on his head and a vibrator stuck up his a*se?

 

Sheik Mohammed

[dronskisaint]

What's the difference between a goldfish and a mountain goat?

 

One mucks about in fountains......

 

What's the difference between a constipated owl and a shortsighted gamekeeper?

 

One shoots and can't hit.....

 

What's the difference between a forged American dollar and a very skinny hooker?

 

One's a phoney buck.....

[Jones91]

A women with no legs won a strawberrie picking competition the other day.

 

 

 

 

Jammy c\/nt

[Redbul]

What do you call lady that pushes her way to the front of the Post Office queue?

 

Jocelyn.

[scotty]

courtesy of john cooper clarke last night at the railway inn. Cant be anti-semitic as JCC is half jewish, apparently;)

 

two jewish lads in town, gorgeous blonde walks past, one lad says "f*cking hell, I'd lend her one"

 

same two lads walk by a catholic church, theres a sign outside offering £20 to anyone who converts today. One says "easy money, I'll go in." Ten minutes later he comes out again, his mate says "did you get the twenty quid", other guy says "is that all you people think about?"

[Redbul]

Mothers day.

 

The most confusing day of the year in P*mpey....

[Easty]

After many returns to the local Chinese a man gathers enough courage

to go in and ask the beautiful Chinese girl who serves behind the

counter who he's fancied for ages for a date. Surprisingly she agrees

to go out with him the following week.

That week he took her out for dinner and managed to get her back to

his place afterwards. Both of them drunk, they pounce on each other as

soon as they walk through the front door. He gets her up to his

bedroom and tears off her clothes then dives in.

During the heat of the moment he says, "How about a sixty-nine?"

 

"What!?! I'm not cooking at this time of night!"

[Redbul]

An old lady is being examined by the Doctor. He asks "Have you ever been bedridden?"

She says "Yes I have, and I've been table ended and backskuttled a few times too."

[scotty]

^Polish girl goes to the doctors with an itchy fanny, he examines her and says "when did you last have a check up", she says "Ive never had a czech up but ive had a couple of hungarians"

[trousers]

What do Spurs and Heather Mills have in common?

 

The second leg is just for show...

[tpbury]

That's lame

[100%Red&White]

And talking of Heather Mills, she recently challenged Jake the Peg to a game of darts.

Jake won 3 legs to 1.

[OldNick]

And talking of Heather Mills, she recently challenged Jake the Peg to a game of darts.

Jake won 3 legs to 1.

 

Heather Mills and McCartney were fantastic at their children's schools 3 legged race a few years ago.

[100%Red&White]

And everyone knows Paul McCartney's a squillionaire and the last present he ever gave to Heather Mills was a plane!

 

 

 

 

It was so she could shave both legs.

[scotty]

I was surprised she got that result in court after their divorce case. Tbh, I never thought she had a leg to stand on.

[scotty]

...anyway, to get away from heather halfleg...

 

 

bloke gets up early for his regular sunday morning round of golf. Showers, gets dressed, has some breakfast, gets his gear together and opens the front door. Its absolutely hammering it down with rain, black sky as far as the eye can see, he thinks f*ck it, I cant face that, gets undressed again and goes back to bed. Slides up behind his wife, cuddles against her back and starts fondling her tits. She half wakes up and mumbles "youre nice and early", he whispers "yes, its pouring with rain. " "I know", she says, "and the stupid c*nts out playing golf in it"

[dronskisaint]

I was thinking about buying a Labrador....but so many people who own them seem to have problems with their eyes!

[dronskisaint]

In light of Al Fayed's statue of Michael Jackson at Fulham, Arsenal have

announced their intentions to unveil a statue of Bullseye legend Jim Bowen

outside the Emirates with a plaque reading "Let's look at what you could have

won"

[Upwind]

Last night I went out and got pi**ed out of my head. I must have had 20 pints and I can't remember a thing. This morning I woke up next to the ugliest woman I have ever seen.

 

Thank God I got home alright........................

[Easty]

I got thrown out of McDonalds this morning. The girl serving me was an absolute stunner and she told me she could make it large for 30p. I replied that she already had, but could she w*nk me off for a pound.

[100%Red&White]

A fat bird eventually served me in MacDonalds at lunchtime; she said "sorry about the wait". I said "don't worry fatso, cut out the buns and you'll lose it"

 

 

I walked out with a double Big Mac, large fries, extra sides and large drink. A poor homeless man sat there and said "Excuse me mate, I haven't eaten for two days". I told him "I wish I had your will power".

[dubai_phil]

Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead"

The operator says how do you know?

He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!

 

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, luckily I beat him off with a Vacuum Cleaner.

F*ck me, talk about Dyson with death

[Gemmel]

And everyone knows Paul McCartney's a squillionaire and the last present he ever gave to Heather Mills was a plane!

 

 

 

 

It was so she could shave both legs.

 

I know this is supposed to be crap jokes, but at least get it right.

 

He bought her a plane for Christmas and .....some Immac for the other leg.

[100%Red&White]

I know this is supposed to be crap jokes, but at least get it right.

 

He bought her a plane for Christmas and .....some Immac for the other leg.

 

As you say it is 'Crap jokes' but I'd suggest it is correct

 

Explanation: She already had a razor for the other one.

 

 

One more Millsy for the road:

 

Macca was being interviewed about the his new relationship. He was asked whether he would ever go down on one knee again.

 

"No" he said, "She isnt even talking to me anymore"

[scotty]

Catherine Zeta Jones has today been reported to have serious mental problems. Apparently she keeps looking at her husband and just seeing a wrinkled old pensioner.

[dronskisaint]

IT Helpdesk - 'Can I help you sir?'

 

User - 'I hope so - I seem to have lost access to the net'

 

IT Helpdesk - 'OK, let's see if we can help - can I have your name please sir?'

 

User - 'Fernando Torres.....'

[scotty]

I was sat on the train this morning opposite an absolutely stunning thai girl. I kept thinking "dont get a hard on, dont get a hard on"......

 

 

 

but she did.

[DECROMAX]

Carlo Ancelotti walks out of Stamford bridge and two girls run up to him. The 1st one asked "Carlo sign my t1ts" Carlo says "ok" so she pulls down her top and gets her tits signed. The 2nd girl pulls down her knickers and says "Carlo can u sign that" Carlo replied " well the last time I signed a c*nt it cost me 50million

[tpbury]

From a Radio 6 trailer for Adam and joe:

 

Why did one Puma get on well with other Pumas? He had a good sense of Puma!

[skintsaint]

You may not think it to look at me, but I did once take 1st place in London's Cutest Baby awards.

 

I would have taken 2nd as well if she didn't start screaming.

[scotty]

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a labrador." "f*ck that" says Mick, "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

[scotty]

I was in bed with a blind girl, she told me I've got the biggest c*ck she ever got her hands on. I said "youre pulling my leg"

[hamster]

Did you hear about the constipated mathematician ? He worked it out with a pencil.

[Seaford Saint]

I was in bed with a blind girl, she told me I've got the biggest c*ck she ever got her hands on. I said "youre pulling my leg"

 

Quality

[scotty]

I have quite a few blind colleagues, one of them told me this one:

 

blind guy goes into a clothes shop. Puts down his stick, then bends down and picks his guide dog up by its tail, and starts slowly swinging it round his head lassoo style. Horrified shopkeeper approaches him and says "excuse me sir, can I help you?" Blind guy says "no thanks mate, I'm just looking around"

[JustMike]

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son.

 

He gives the young boy 3 pennies to play with to keep him occupied.

 

Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face.

 

The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts slapping him on the back...

The boy coughs up 2 of the pennies, but keeps choking.

 

Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

 

A well dressed, attractive and serious looking woman,in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.

 

At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down,

 

neatly folds the newspaper, places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

 

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly........

 

After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last penny, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

 

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the penny to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

 

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her, saying he has never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. "Are you a doctor?"

 

 

 

"No," the woman replied. "...........I'm with the Inland Revenue."

[Jones91]

Did you hear about the constipated mathematician ? He worked it out with a pencil.

 

Did you hear about the constipated accountant? He couldn't budget

[Upwind]

Following the death of the human cannonball at the Kent Show a spokesman has stated, "We'll struggle to get another man of the same calibre"

[Upwind]

I'm both a lover and a fighter.............. Or as the courts like to call it, "A rapist"

[ericofarabia]

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son.

 

He gives the young boy 3 pennies to play with to keep him occupied.

 

Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face.

 

The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts slapping him on the back...

The boy coughs up 2 of the pennies, but keeps choking.

 

Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

 

A well dressed, attractive and serious looking woman,in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.

 

At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down,

 

neatly folds the newspaper, places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

 

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly........

 

After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last penny, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

 

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the penny to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

 

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her, saying he has never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. "Are you a doctor?"

 

 

 

"No," the woman replied. "...........I'm with the Inland Revenue."

 

Pity she wasn't assigned to the CheatsFc case!!

[Seaford Saint]

My catholic uncle was a rubbish ventriloquist……….. He used to put his finger up my arse and tell me not to say anything………..

[dronskisaint]

I didn't think they took Bins out on Bank Holidays...

[Gorgiesaint]

How did they find out where Osama lived? Not been confirmed but it's believed he bought a Sony Playstation in the last few months, no wonder he hasn't made any new home video's recently!!

[scotty]

Due to the sad death of Henry Cooper, Audley Harrison has moved up one place in the world rankings.

[notnowcato]

Due to the sad death of Henry Cooper, Audley Harrison has moved up one place in the world rankings.

 

Too good for this place! Less of the same thanks.

[scotty]

I was having sex the other day, banging away, when suddenly I stopped mid-thrust and stood really still. She says "What are you doing?"... "Something I learnt from online porn. It's called 'buffering'."