hamster Posted 31 March, 2011 Share Posted 31 March, 2011 I met that bloke once when I'd gone out without my watch on so I asked him "Got the time on yuh cock?" Muchos Gracias penis - ta very much cock I met a Spanish fireman yesterday, out with his two sons, Jose and hose B Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tpbury Posted 1 April, 2011 Share Posted 1 April, 2011 Surely it's time to crack open the 'what do you call a bloke with....' barrel. Here's some: no arms and no legs in Swimming Pool - Bob wearing brown paper bags - Russell with spade in head - Doug without spade in head - Douglas rabbit up backside - Warren buried in mud - Pete fish with no eyes - fsh And hamster, you're obviously not monitoring this page closely enough as I already did the 'fairer than that joke' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hamster Posted 1 April, 2011 Share Posted 1 April, 2011 What do you call a blind dinosaur - doyafinkesaurus What do you call a man with 3 planks on his head - Edwood woodwood Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ericofarabia Posted 1 April, 2011 Share Posted 1 April, 2011 What do you call an animal with a ***** halfway up its back? A Policehorse. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dronskisaint Posted 1 April, 2011 Share Posted 1 April, 2011 What do you call a man with a joint of bacon on his head? Hamed What do you call a man with two joints of bacon on his head? Mohammed What do you call a man with two joints of bacon on his head and a vibrator stuck up his a*se? Sheik Mohammed Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dronskisaint Posted 1 April, 2011 Share Posted 1 April, 2011 What's the difference between a goldfish and a mountain goat? One mucks about in fountains...... What's the difference between a constipated owl and a shortsighted gamekeeper? One shoots and can't hit..... What's the difference between a forged American dollar and a very skinny hooker? One's a phoney buck..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jones91 Posted 1 April, 2011 Share Posted 1 April, 2011 A women with no legs won a strawberrie picking competition the other day. Jammy c\/nt Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Redbul Posted 1 April, 2011 Author Share Posted 1 April, 2011 What do you call lady that pushes her way to the front of the Post Office queue? Jocelyn. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 1 April, 2011 Share Posted 1 April, 2011 courtesy of john cooper clarke last night at the railway inn. Cant be anti-semitic as JCC is half jewish, apparently;) two jewish lads in town, gorgeous blonde walks past, one lad says "f*cking hell, I'd lend her one" same two lads walk by a catholic church, theres a sign outside offering £20 to anyone who converts today. One says "easy money, I'll go in." Ten minutes later he comes out again, his mate says "did you get the twenty quid", other guy says "is that all you people think about?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Redbul Posted 3 April, 2011 Author Share Posted 3 April, 2011 Mothers day. The most confusing day of the year in P*mpey.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Easty Posted 4 April, 2011 Share Posted 4 April, 2011 After many returns to the local Chinese a man gathers enough courage to go in and ask the beautiful Chinese girl who serves behind the counter who he's fancied for ages for a date. Surprisingly she agrees to go out with him the following week. That week he took her out for dinner and managed to get her back to his place afterwards. Both of them drunk, they pounce on each other as soon as they walk through the front door. He gets her up to his bedroom and tears off her clothes then dives in. During the heat of the moment he says, "How about a sixty-nine?" "What!?! I'm not cooking at this time of night!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Redbul Posted 4 April, 2011 Author Share Posted 4 April, 2011 An old lady is being examined by the Doctor. He asks "Have you ever been bedridden?" She says "Yes I have, and I've been table ended and backskuttled a few times too." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 4 April, 2011 Share Posted 4 April, 2011 ^Polish girl goes to the doctors with an itchy fanny, he examines her and says "when did you last have a check up", she says "Ive never had a czech up but ive had a couple of hungarians" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trousers Posted 6 April, 2011 Share Posted 6 April, 2011 What do Spurs and Heather Mills have in common? The second leg is just for show... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tpbury Posted 6 April, 2011 Share Posted 6 April, 2011 That's lame Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
100%Red&White Posted 7 April, 2011 Share Posted 7 April, 2011 And talking of Heather Mills, she recently challenged Jake the Peg to a game of darts. Jake won 3 legs to 1. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OldNick Posted 8 April, 2011 Share Posted 8 April, 2011 And talking of Heather Mills, she recently challenged Jake the Peg to a game of darts. Jake won 3 legs to 1. Heather Mills and McCartney were fantastic at their children's schools 3 legged race a few years ago. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
100%Red&White Posted 8 April, 2011 Share Posted 8 April, 2011 And everyone knows Paul McCartney's a squillionaire and the last present he ever gave to Heather Mills was a plane! It was so she could shave both legs. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 8 April, 2011 Share Posted 8 April, 2011 I was surprised she got that result in court after their divorce case. Tbh, I never thought she had a leg to stand on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 8 April, 2011 Share Posted 8 April, 2011 ...anyway, to get away from heather halfleg... bloke gets up early for his regular sunday morning round of golf. Showers, gets dressed, has some breakfast, gets his gear together and opens the front door. Its absolutely hammering it down with rain, black sky as far as the eye can see, he thinks f*ck it, I cant face that, gets undressed again and goes back to bed. Slides up behind his wife, cuddles against her back and starts fondling her tits. She half wakes up and mumbles "youre nice and early", he whispers "yes, its pouring with rain. " "I know", she says, "and the stupid c*nts out playing golf in it" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dronskisaint Posted 10 April, 2011 Share Posted 10 April, 2011 I was thinking about buying a Labrador....but so many people who own them seem to have problems with their eyes! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dronskisaint Posted 11 April, 2011 Share Posted 11 April, 2011 In light of Al Fayed's statue of Michael Jackson at Fulham, Arsenal have announced their intentions to unveil a statue of Bullseye legend Jim Bowen outside the Emirates with a plaque reading "Let's look at what you could have won" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Upwind Posted 13 April, 2011 Share Posted 13 April, 2011 Last night I went out and got pi**ed out of my head. I must have had 20 pints and I can't remember a thing. This morning I woke up next to the ugliest woman I have ever seen. Thank God I got home alright........................ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Easty Posted 14 April, 2011 Share Posted 14 April, 2011 I got thrown out of McDonalds this morning. The girl serving me was an absolute stunner and she told me she could make it large for 30p. I replied that she already had, but could she w*nk me off for a pound. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
100%Red&White Posted 14 April, 2011 Share Posted 14 April, 2011 A fat bird eventually served me in MacDonalds at lunchtime; she said "sorry about the wait". I said "don't worry fatso, cut out the buns and you'll lose it" I walked out with a double Big Mac, large fries, extra sides and large drink. A poor homeless man sat there and said "Excuse me mate, I haven't eaten for two days". I told him "I wish I had your will power". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dubai_phil Posted 14 April, 2011 Share Posted 14 April, 2011 Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead" The operator says how do you know? He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up! The Grim Reaper came for me last night, luckily I beat him off with a Vacuum Cleaner. F*ck me, talk about Dyson with death Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gemmel Posted 14 April, 2011 Share Posted 14 April, 2011 And everyone knows Paul McCartney's a squillionaire and the last present he ever gave to Heather Mills was a plane! It was so she could shave both legs. I know this is supposed to be crap jokes, but at least get it right. He bought her a plane for Christmas and .....some Immac for the other leg. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
100%Red&White Posted 14 April, 2011 Share Posted 14 April, 2011 I know this is supposed to be crap jokes, but at least get it right. He bought her a plane for Christmas and .....some Immac for the other leg. As you say it is 'Crap jokes' but I'd suggest it is correct Explanation: She already had a razor for the other one. One more Millsy for the road: Macca was being interviewed about the his new relationship. He was asked whether he would ever go down on one knee again. "No" he said, "She isnt even talking to me anymore" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 14 April, 2011 Share Posted 14 April, 2011 Catherine Zeta Jones has today been reported to have serious mental problems. Apparently she keeps looking at her husband and just seeing a wrinkled old pensioner. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dronskisaint Posted 14 April, 2011 Share Posted 14 April, 2011 IT Helpdesk - 'Can I help you sir?' User - 'I hope so - I seem to have lost access to the net' IT Helpdesk - 'OK, let's see if we can help - can I have your name please sir?' User - 'Fernando Torres.....' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 14 April, 2011 Share Posted 14 April, 2011 I was sat on the train this morning opposite an absolutely stunning thai girl. I kept thinking "dont get a hard on, dont get a hard on"...... but she did. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DECROMAX Posted 15 April, 2011 Share Posted 15 April, 2011 Carlo Ancelotti walks out of Stamford bridge and two girls run up to him. The 1st one asked "Carlo sign my t1ts" Carlo says "ok" so she pulls down her top and gets her tits signed. The 2nd girl pulls down her knickers and says "Carlo can u sign that" Carlo replied " well the last time I signed a c*nt it cost me 50million Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tpbury Posted 15 April, 2011 Share Posted 15 April, 2011 From a Radio 6 trailer for Adam and joe: Why did one Puma get on well with other Pumas? He had a good sense of Puma! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
skintsaint Posted 15 April, 2011 Share Posted 15 April, 2011 You may not think it to look at me, but I did once take 1st place in London's Cutest Baby awards. I would have taken 2nd as well if she didn't start screaming. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 15 April, 2011 Share Posted 15 April, 2011 Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a labrador." "f*ck that" says Mick, "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 18 April, 2011 Share Posted 18 April, 2011 I was in bed with a blind girl, she told me I've got the biggest c*ck she ever got her hands on. I said "youre pulling my leg" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hamster Posted 20 April, 2011 Share Posted 20 April, 2011 Did you hear about the constipated mathematician ? He worked it out with a pencil. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seaford Saint Posted 23 April, 2011 Share Posted 23 April, 2011 I was in bed with a blind girl, she told me I've got the biggest c*ck she ever got her hands on. I said "youre pulling my leg" Quality Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 24 April, 2011 Share Posted 24 April, 2011 I have quite a few blind colleagues, one of them told me this one: blind guy goes into a clothes shop. Puts down his stick, then bends down and picks his guide dog up by its tail, and starts slowly swinging it round his head lassoo style. Horrified shopkeeper approaches him and says "excuse me sir, can I help you?" Blind guy says "no thanks mate, I'm just looking around" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JustMike Posted 26 April, 2011 Share Posted 26 April, 2011 A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 pennies to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts slapping him on the back... The boy coughs up 2 of the pennies, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help. A well dressed, attractive and serious looking woman,in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper, places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant. Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly........ After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last penny, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the penny to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word. As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her, saying he has never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. "Are you a doctor?" "No," the woman replied. "...........I'm with the Inland Revenue." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jones91 Posted 26 April, 2011 Share Posted 26 April, 2011 Did you hear about the constipated mathematician ? He worked it out with a pencil. Did you hear about the constipated accountant? He couldn't budget Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Upwind Posted 28 April, 2011 Share Posted 28 April, 2011 Following the death of the human cannonball at the Kent Show a spokesman has stated, "We'll struggle to get another man of the same calibre" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Upwind Posted 28 April, 2011 Share Posted 28 April, 2011 I'm both a lover and a fighter.............. Or as the courts like to call it, "A rapist" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ericofarabia Posted 28 April, 2011 Share Posted 28 April, 2011 A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 pennies to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts slapping him on the back... The boy coughs up 2 of the pennies, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help. A well dressed, attractive and serious looking woman,in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper, places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant. Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly........ After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last penny, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the penny to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word. As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her, saying he has never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. "Are you a doctor?" "No," the woman replied. "...........I'm with the Inland Revenue." Pity she wasn't assigned to the CheatsFc case!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seaford Saint Posted 2 May, 2011 Share Posted 2 May, 2011 My catholic uncle was a rubbish ventriloquist……….. He used to put his finger up my arse and tell me not to say anything……….. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dronskisaint Posted 2 May, 2011 Share Posted 2 May, 2011 I didn't think they took Bins out on Bank Holidays... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gorgiesaint Posted 2 May, 2011 Share Posted 2 May, 2011 How did they find out where Osama lived? Not been confirmed but it's believed he bought a Sony Playstation in the last few months, no wonder he hasn't made any new home video's recently!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 3 May, 2011 Share Posted 3 May, 2011 Due to the sad death of Henry Cooper, Audley Harrison has moved up one place in the world rankings. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notnowcato Posted 4 May, 2011 Share Posted 4 May, 2011 Due to the sad death of Henry Cooper, Audley Harrison has moved up one place in the world rankings. Too good for this place! Less of the same thanks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 13 May, 2011 Share Posted 13 May, 2011 I was having sex the other day, banging away, when suddenly I stopped mid-thrust and stood really still. She says "What are you doing?"... "Something I learnt from online porn. It's called 'buffering'." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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