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TSM Crap Joke Suppository....

Redbul

By Redbul
in The Muppet Show

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dubai_phil

dubai_phil

Posted
Posted

The new Government in Egypt has asked the city's taxi drivers to drive around Cairo sounding their car horns.

 

It is hoped these and other familiar sounds of the city will induce a return to tranquility and normality.

 

Operation Toot 'n Calm 'Em will last for the rest of the week.

scotty

scotty

Posted
Posted

wife phoned me and said her mothers in a very bad way in hospital and hasnt got long to live, get down here straight away. I said I cant come, the cup finals on telly in a minute, she says well you can tape it and watch it later.

 

 

She wasnt happy when I showed up at the hospital with a camcorder and tripod....

tpbury

tpbury

Posted
Posted

Good work people, the standard of crapness is going up!

 

I can only think of crap racist jokes from the 70s involving ethiopians, golf clubs, breakfast cereals, ovens. What a nasty and oblivious undercurrent existed then! I think joke dynamics vs BNP is a an interesting subject in itself.

MongoNeil

MongoNeil

Posted
Posted
Good work people, the standard of crapness is going up!

 

I can only think of crap racist jokes from the 70s involving ethiopians, golf clubs, breakfast cereals, ovens. What a nasty and oblivious undercurrent existed then! I think joke dynamics vs BNP is a an interesting subject in itself.

 

I don't get it...

Guest Dark Sotonic Mills

Guest Dark Sotonic Mills

Posted
Posted

I went to the Doctor for the result of my tests. He told me that I had Onomatopoeia; I asked him what that was and he told me that it was exactly what it sounded like...

ericofarabia

ericofarabia

Posted
Posted
I went to the Doctor for the result of my tests. He told me that I had Onomatopoeia; I asked him what that was and he told me that it was exactly what it sounded like...

 

...... and what does it sound like? .... I've tried but am getting nowhere with this one.

OttawaSaint

OttawaSaint

Posted
Posted
Onomatopoeia = on a mat I pee ah

 

Oh lordy, we do have some thickos in here, onomatopoeia is a word that sounds like what it describes. E.g. "zip", as when you fasten or undo it, it makes a "zipping" sound.

Dog

Dog

Posted
Posted

I was sacked today for having sex in the back of my taxi with a customer.

 

 

 

I say taxi...

 

 

...technically it's a hearse.

OldNick

OldNick

Posted
Posted
Oh lordy, we do have some thickos in here, onomatopoeia is a word that sounds like what it describes. E.g. "zip", as when you fasten or undo it, it makes a "zipping" sound.
well it was supposed to be a joke and whilst i got the wording I didnt see the joke
dubai_phil

dubai_phil

Posted
Posted (edited)

Douglas the humble Crab and Kate the Lobster Princess were madly, deeply

and passionately in Love. For months they enjoyed an idyllic relationship

until one day Kate scuttled over to Douglas in tears.

 

 

"We can't see each other anymore..." she sobbed.

 

 

"Why?" gasped Douglas.

 

 

"Daddy says that crabs are too common," she wailed. "He claims you are a

mere crab, and a poor one at that, and crabs are the lowest class of

crustacean and that no daughter of his will marry someone who can only

walk sideways."

 

 

Douglas was shattered, and scuttled sideward away into the darkness to

drink himself into a filthy state of aquatic oblivion.

 

 

That night, the great Lobster ball was taking place. Lobsters came from

far and wide, dancing and merry making, but the lobster Princess refused

to join in, choosing instead to sit by her father's side, inconsolable.

 

 

Suddenly the doors burst open, and Douglas the crab strode in.

 

 

The Lobsters all stopped their dancing, the Princess gasped and the King

Lobster rose from his throne.

 

 

Slowly, painstakingly, Douglas the crab made his way across the

floor.......and all could see that he was walking, not

sideways............but FORWARDS.........Yes FORWARDS, one claw after

another!!

 

 

Step by step he made his approach towards the throne, until he looked the

King lobster in the eye.

 

 

There was a deadly hush...............

 

 

For quite a while...........................

 

 

 

Finally, the crab spoke.......

 

 

 

F**k, I'm Spished

Edited by dubai_phil
Swear filter & complaints from the readers!
thefunkygibbons

thefunkygibbons

Posted
Posted

As I stepped out of the cold shower, the missus laughed & told me that my penis closely resembled a tic-tac. "If that's the case" I joked, "Why does your sister still have bad breath?"......She didn't laugh then!

tpbury

tpbury

Posted
Posted
Douglas the humble Crab and Kate the Lobster Princess were madly, deeply

and passionately in Love. For months they enjoyed an idyllic relationship

until one day Kate scuttled over to Douglas in tears.

 

 

"We can't see each other anymore..." she sobbed.

 

 

"Why?" gasped Douglas.

 

 

"Daddy says that crabs are too common," she wailed. "He claims you are a

mere crab, and a poor one at that, and crabs are the lowest class of

crustacean and that no daughter of his will marry someone who can only

walk sideways."

 

 

Douglas was shattered, and scuttled sideward away into the darkness to

drink himself into a filthy state of aquatic oblivion.

 

 

That night, the great Lobster ball was taking place. Lobsters came from

far and wide, dancing and merry making, but the lobster Princess refused

to join in, choosing instead to sit by her father's side, inconsolable.

 

 

Suddenly the doors burst open, and Douglas the crab strode in.

 

 

The Lobsters all stopped their dancing, the Princess gasped and the King

Lobster rose from his throne.

 

 

Slowly, painstakingly, Douglas the crab made his way across the

floor.......and all could see that he was walking, not

sideways............but FORWARDS.........Yes FORWARDS, one claw after

another!!

 

 

Step by step he made his approach towards the throne, until he looked the

King lobster in the eye.

 

 

There was a deadly hush...............

 

 

For quite a while...........................

 

 

 

Finally, the crab spoke.......

 

 

 

F**k, I'm ****ed

 

Great build up, if only there was a punchline not obscured by the swear filter.

Smirking_Saint

Smirking_Saint

Posted
Posted
Douglas the humble Crab and Kate the Lobster Princess were madly, deeply

and passionately in Love. For months they enjoyed an idyllic relationship

until one day Kate scuttled over to Douglas in tears.

 

 

"We can't see each other anymore..." she sobbed.

 

 

"Why?" gasped Douglas.

 

 

"Daddy says that crabs are too common," she wailed. "He claims you are a

mere crab, and a poor one at that, and crabs are the lowest class of

crustacean and that no daughter of his will marry someone who can only

walk sideways."

 

 

Douglas was shattered, and scuttled sideward away into the darkness to

drink himself into a filthy state of aquatic oblivion.

 

 

That night, the great Lobster ball was taking place. Lobsters came from

far and wide, dancing and merry making, but the lobster Princess refused

to join in, choosing instead to sit by her father's side, inconsolable.

 

 

Suddenly the doors burst open, and Douglas the crab strode in.

 

 

The Lobsters all stopped their dancing, the Princess gasped and the King

Lobster rose from his throne.

 

 

Slowly, painstakingly, Douglas the crab made his way across the

floor.......and all could see that he was walking, not

sideways............but FORWARDS.........Yes FORWARDS, one claw after

another!!

 

 

Step by step he made his approach towards the throne, until he looked the

King lobster in the eye.

 

 

There was a deadly hush...............

 

 

For quite a while...........................

 

 

 

Finally, the crab spoke.......

 

 

 

F**k, I'm ****ed

 

I don't get it

hamster

hamster

Posted
Posted
Great build up, if only there was a punchline not obscured by the swear filter.

 

There's a punchline in there?

 

The best lobster joke ever is the one about the lobsters who get barred from a pub.

scotty

scotty

Posted
Posted
There's a punchline in there?

 

The best lobster joke ever is the one about the lobsters who get barred from a pub.

 

 

 

Do tell. Unless the punchline inludes the words "crushed asian"...

scotty

scotty

Posted
Posted
Went around to a friend's house today. His wife was sat there with their new-born baby. She asked if I'd like to wind it....

I thought that was a bit harsh so I gave it a dead leg instead.

 

lol, but on a point of order it always worries me when the mother announces "I'm just going to put him down...."

hamster

hamster

Posted
Posted
Do tell. Unless the punchline inludes the words "crushed asian"...

 

It's as much a visual joke tbh

 

 

A true story that may amuse you though is the time I was on a stag night and got so drunk that me and my mate woke up in the tiger compound at Marwell.

 

the tiger spotted us and drooling he began slowly creeping toward us. I pulled a pair of traners from my rucksack and started la ing them up.

 

"You'll never outrun a ****ing tiger you idiot" said my mate.

 

"I ain't got to outrun no tiger, I only got to outrun YOU ......idiot".

saintbletch

saintbletch

Posted
Posted
I don't get it

 

To get around the swear filter the punchline might read

 

Good lord, I'm drunk.

 

The crab had been drowning his sorrows to such a great extent that he was able to walk straight instead of sideways.

 

(I think)

notnowcato

notnowcato

Posted
Posted
It's as much a visual joke tbh

 

 

A true story that may amuse you though is the time I was on a stag night and got so drunk that me and my mate woke up in the tiger compound at Marwell.

 

the tiger spotted us and drooling he began slowly creeping toward us. I pulled a pair of traners from my rucksack and started la ing them up.

 

"You'll never outrun a ****ing tiger you idiot" said my mate.

 

"I ain't got to outrun no tiger, I only got to outrun YOU ......idiot".

 

Enthralling. Did you push your mate over after you'd finished lacing your trainers? Did you opt for the standard lacing or the butterfly lacing?

Wadge

Wadge

Posted
Posted

In a run-down part of the East end of London a fire destroyed a dilapidated four-storey house that had been divided into four flats.

 

A Nigerian family of six Internet con artists and full time benefit cheats lived on the first floor... all six tragically perished in the fire.

 

A group of seven Islamic welfare cheats, all illegally in the country,lived on the second floor... they too, all perished in the fire.

 

Six Albanian, gang banger, ex-cons - all claiming political asylum and living off the state for free, occupied the 3rd floor....they too died.

 

But the middle aged British white couple who lived on the top floor miraculously survived the fire.

 

The Equal Opportunities Commission, Amnesty International, Rights activists, black community leaders and the British Islamic Council were all furious at the apparent racial inequality of the situation. Why was just the British white couple saved?

 

It was monstrous they claimed, and showed that systemic 'racism' still existed in all areas of public service -questions were raised in the House of Commons, the popular media picked up the story and within hours it was national and indeed international news.

 

Boris Johnson, Mayor of London, when questioned stated calmly that it would be unwise to jump to conclusions until the Police and Fire Service had completed their report.

 

He closed by stating that he expected their initial assessment to be available within the next 36 hours - so perhaps it would be best to let the experts gather the evidence and report back before he commented any further.

 

The baying Press pack subsequently reported the interview in such way as to intimate that the Mayor was indifferent to suffering and was out of touch with the feelings of the whole East London community!

 

A large motorcade of representatives from all five groups, together with the Home Secretary drove to the area, having demanded a meeting with the local chief fire officer.

 

They made sure that a large pack of popular Press and TV had been briefed on the visit and so the motorcade was met by a huge gaggle of journalists, TV interviewers and cameras.

 

On camera, they loudly demanded to know why the Africans, Black Muslims and Albanians all died in the fire and only the white couple lived.

 

One bemused chief fire officer quietly replied ....

 

 

"Because they were both at work."

tpbury

tpbury

Posted
Posted
In a run-down part of the East end of London a fire destroyed a dilapidated four-storey house that had been divided into four flats.

 

A Nigerian family of six Internet con artists and full time benefit cheats lived on the first floor... all six tragically perished in the fire.

 

A group of seven Islamic welfare cheats, all illegally in the country,lived on the second floor... they too, all perished in the fire.

 

Six Albanian, gang banger, ex-cons - all claiming political asylum and living off the state for free, occupied the 3rd floor....they too died.

 

But the middle aged British white couple who lived on the top floor miraculously survived the fire.

 

The Equal Opportunities Commission, Amnesty International, Rights activists, black community leaders and the British Islamic Council were all furious at the apparent racial inequality of the situation. Why was just the British white couple saved?

 

It was monstrous they claimed, and showed that systemic 'racism' still existed in all areas of public service -questions were raised in the House of Commons, the popular media picked up the story and within hours it was national and indeed international news.

 

Boris Johnson, Mayor of London, when questioned stated calmly that it would be unwise to jump to conclusions until the Police and Fire Service had completed their report.

 

He closed by stating that he expected their initial assessment to be available within the next 36 hours - so perhaps it would be best to let the experts gather the evidence and report back before he commented any further.

 

The baying Press pack subsequently reported the interview in such way as to intimate that the Mayor was indifferent to suffering and was out of touch with the feelings of the whole East London community!

 

A large motorcade of representatives from all five groups, together with the Home Secretary drove to the area, having demanded a meeting with the local chief fire officer.

 

They made sure that a large pack of popular Press and TV had been briefed on the visit and so the motorcade was met by a huge gaggle of journalists, TV interviewers and cameras.

 

On camera, they loudly demanded to know why the Africans, Black Muslims and Albanians all died in the fire and only the white couple lived.

 

One bemused chief fire officer quietly replied ....

 

 

"Because they were both at work."

 

Laboured attempt at social commentary, whilst having some remnants of truth, only funny to DailyMails.

Easty

Easty

Posted
Posted

A skate and a Saints fan were walking down southsea sea front, when the skate kicked a bottle. All of a sudden this genie appeared , and said for releasing me, you may have one wish each.

The skate said, "I'll go first I kicked the bottle". "I would love you to put a 100 foot high wall around my beloved Portsmouth, to keep the scummers out".

The genie said "your wish is my command". And as they turned around a 100 foot wall appeared. **** me, that'll do the job he said.

My turn said the Saints fan.. "Now fill the Bast*rd with water"....

Easty

Easty

Posted
Posted

One day this bloke was having a shower, and his 12 year old son walked in. Pointing down at his dads nether regions, he asked, "whats that dad"? dad replied, "thats my hedgehog son" son replied "Bloody hell he's got a hell of a cock on him"

 

Go me coat

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