Smirking_Saint Posted 27 February, 2011 Share Posted 27 February, 2011 Statistically 9/10 people enjoy gang rape Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Special K Posted 28 February, 2011 Share Posted 28 February, 2011 My girlfriend said she wanted to end it with me because i'm too kinky in the bedroom. I couldn't believe it, i almost spat her **** out when she told me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 28 February, 2011 Share Posted 28 February, 2011 Statistically 9/10 people enjoy gang rape ffs, smirker... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
saintscottofthenortham Posted 28 February, 2011 Share Posted 28 February, 2011 The missus parents are coming down at the weekend and I want to make a good impression so i'm going to make a nice joint. When I'v smoked that, I'll cook em' beans on toast. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Smirking_Saint Posted 28 February, 2011 Share Posted 28 February, 2011 I went to the doctors the other day and he diagnosed me with colour blindness. F*ck me that came right out of the orange. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
action man Posted 1 March, 2011 Share Posted 1 March, 2011 kate middleton asked the queen on her secret to a long and happy marriage,the queen replied,"wear a seatbelt and dont **** me off" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dubai_phil Posted 1 March, 2011 Share Posted 1 March, 2011 The new Government in Egypt has asked the city's taxi drivers to drive around Cairo sounding their car horns. It is hoped these and other familiar sounds of the city will induce a return to tranquility and normality. Operation Toot 'n Calm 'Em will last for the rest of the week. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 1 March, 2011 Share Posted 1 March, 2011 wife phoned me and said her mothers in a very bad way in hospital and hasnt got long to live, get down here straight away. I said I cant come, the cup finals on telly in a minute, she says well you can tape it and watch it later. She wasnt happy when I showed up at the hospital with a camcorder and tripod.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thefunkygibbons Posted 2 March, 2011 Share Posted 2 March, 2011 I was eating a bogey on the bus tonight when I suddenly thought to myself, "I wonder who's nose this has come from? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tpbury Posted 2 March, 2011 Share Posted 2 March, 2011 Good work people, the standard of crapness is going up! I can only think of crap racist jokes from the 70s involving ethiopians, golf clubs, breakfast cereals, ovens. What a nasty and oblivious undercurrent existed then! I think joke dynamics vs BNP is a an interesting subject in itself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MongoNeil Posted 2 March, 2011 Share Posted 2 March, 2011 Good work people, the standard of crapness is going up! I can only think of crap racist jokes from the 70s involving ethiopians, golf clubs, breakfast cereals, ovens. What a nasty and oblivious undercurrent existed then! I think joke dynamics vs BNP is a an interesting subject in itself. I don't get it... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 3 March, 2011 Share Posted 3 March, 2011 I don't get it... its a new form of comedy. You'll wake up tomorrow and roar with laughter. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seaford Saint Posted 5 March, 2011 Share Posted 5 March, 2011 A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JonnyLove Posted 5 March, 2011 Share Posted 5 March, 2011 I was getting hammered up The Arse last night. When I realised. What a stupid name for a pub. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thefunkygibbons Posted 6 March, 2011 Share Posted 6 March, 2011 Bloody police. The woman over the road stands naked in her window watching me having a w**k and I'm the pervert? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Dark Sotonic Mills Posted 6 March, 2011 Share Posted 6 March, 2011 I went to the Doctor for the result of my tests. He told me that I had Onomatopoeia; I asked him what that was and he told me that it was exactly what it sounded like... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ericofarabia Posted 7 March, 2011 Share Posted 7 March, 2011 I went to the Doctor for the result of my tests. He told me that I had Onomatopoeia; I asked him what that was and he told me that it was exactly what it sounded like... ...... and what does it sound like? .... I've tried but am getting nowhere with this one. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OldNick Posted 7 March, 2011 Share Posted 7 March, 2011 ...... and what does it sound like? .... I've tried but am getting nowhere with this one. ++1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thefunkygibbons Posted 7 March, 2011 Share Posted 7 March, 2011 Onomatopoeia = on a mat I pee ah Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OttawaSaint Posted 7 March, 2011 Share Posted 7 March, 2011 Onomatopoeia = on a mat I pee ah Oh lordy, we do have some thickos in here, onomatopoeia is a word that sounds like what it describes. E.g. "zip", as when you fasten or undo it, it makes a "zipping" sound. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dog Posted 7 March, 2011 Share Posted 7 March, 2011 I was sacked today for having sex in the back of my taxi with a customer. I say taxi... ...technically it's a hearse. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OldNick Posted 7 March, 2011 Share Posted 7 March, 2011 Oh lordy, we do have some thickos in here, onomatopoeia is a word that sounds like what it describes. E.g. "zip", as when you fasten or undo it, it makes a "zipping" sound. well it was supposed to be a joke and whilst i got the wording I didnt see the joke Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RonManager Posted 7 March, 2011 Share Posted 7 March, 2011 well it was supposed to be a joke and whilst i got the wording I didnt see the joke Which means it qualifies admirably as a 'crap' joke, yes? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thefunkygibbons Posted 7 March, 2011 Share Posted 7 March, 2011 I just found out that they pay you for donating at sperm banks.....just think of the money I've let slip through my fingers!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dubai_phil Posted 8 March, 2011 Share Posted 8 March, 2011 (edited) Douglas the humble Crab and Kate the Lobster Princess were madly, deeply and passionately in Love. For months they enjoyed an idyllic relationship until one day Kate scuttled over to Douglas in tears. "We can't see each other anymore..." she sobbed. "Why?" gasped Douglas. "Daddy says that crabs are too common," she wailed. "He claims you are a mere crab, and a poor one at that, and crabs are the lowest class of crustacean and that no daughter of his will marry someone who can only walk sideways." Douglas was shattered, and scuttled sideward away into the darkness to drink himself into a filthy state of aquatic oblivion. That night, the great Lobster ball was taking place. Lobsters came from far and wide, dancing and merry making, but the lobster Princess refused to join in, choosing instead to sit by her father's side, inconsolable. Suddenly the doors burst open, and Douglas the crab strode in. The Lobsters all stopped their dancing, the Princess gasped and the King Lobster rose from his throne. Slowly, painstakingly, Douglas the crab made his way across the floor.......and all could see that he was walking, not sideways............but FORWARDS.........Yes FORWARDS, one claw after another!! Step by step he made his approach towards the throne, until he looked the King lobster in the eye. There was a deadly hush............... For quite a while........................... Finally, the crab spoke....... F**k, I'm Spished Edited 10 March, 2011 by dubai_phil Swear filter & complaints from the readers! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thefunkygibbons Posted 8 March, 2011 Share Posted 8 March, 2011 As I stepped out of the cold shower, the missus laughed & told me that my penis closely resembled a tic-tac. "If that's the case" I joked, "Why does your sister still have bad breath?"......She didn't laugh then! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tpbury Posted 8 March, 2011 Share Posted 8 March, 2011 Douglas the humble Crab and Kate the Lobster Princess were madly, deeply and passionately in Love. For months they enjoyed an idyllic relationship until one day Kate scuttled over to Douglas in tears. "We can't see each other anymore..." she sobbed. "Why?" gasped Douglas. "Daddy says that crabs are too common," she wailed. "He claims you are a mere crab, and a poor one at that, and crabs are the lowest class of crustacean and that no daughter of his will marry someone who can only walk sideways." Douglas was shattered, and scuttled sideward away into the darkness to drink himself into a filthy state of aquatic oblivion. That night, the great Lobster ball was taking place. Lobsters came from far and wide, dancing and merry making, but the lobster Princess refused to join in, choosing instead to sit by her father's side, inconsolable. Suddenly the doors burst open, and Douglas the crab strode in. The Lobsters all stopped their dancing, the Princess gasped and the King Lobster rose from his throne. Slowly, painstakingly, Douglas the crab made his way across the floor.......and all could see that he was walking, not sideways............but FORWARDS.........Yes FORWARDS, one claw after another!! Step by step he made his approach towards the throne, until he looked the King lobster in the eye. There was a deadly hush............... For quite a while........................... Finally, the crab spoke....... F**k, I'm ****ed Great build up, if only there was a punchline not obscured by the swear filter. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Smirking_Saint Posted 8 March, 2011 Share Posted 8 March, 2011 Douglas the humble Crab and Kate the Lobster Princess were madly, deeply and passionately in Love. For months they enjoyed an idyllic relationship until one day Kate scuttled over to Douglas in tears. "We can't see each other anymore..." she sobbed. "Why?" gasped Douglas. "Daddy says that crabs are too common," she wailed. "He claims you are a mere crab, and a poor one at that, and crabs are the lowest class of crustacean and that no daughter of his will marry someone who can only walk sideways." Douglas was shattered, and scuttled sideward away into the darkness to drink himself into a filthy state of aquatic oblivion. That night, the great Lobster ball was taking place. Lobsters came from far and wide, dancing and merry making, but the lobster Princess refused to join in, choosing instead to sit by her father's side, inconsolable. Suddenly the doors burst open, and Douglas the crab strode in. The Lobsters all stopped their dancing, the Princess gasped and the King Lobster rose from his throne. Slowly, painstakingly, Douglas the crab made his way across the floor.......and all could see that he was walking, not sideways............but FORWARDS.........Yes FORWARDS, one claw after another!! Step by step he made his approach towards the throne, until he looked the King lobster in the eye. There was a deadly hush............... For quite a while........................... Finally, the crab spoke....... F**k, I'm ****ed I don't get it Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hamster Posted 8 March, 2011 Share Posted 8 March, 2011 Great build up, if only there was a punchline not obscured by the swear filter. There's a punchline in there? The best lobster joke ever is the one about the lobsters who get barred from a pub. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 9 March, 2011 Share Posted 9 March, 2011 I don't get it "f*ck, I'm p*ssed" hth Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notnowcato Posted 9 March, 2011 Share Posted 9 March, 2011 Statistics show that 1 in 20 of us live next door to a paedophile. Not me though. I live next door to two stunning 14 year olds. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thefunkygibbons Posted 9 March, 2011 Share Posted 9 March, 2011 Went around to a friend's house today. His wife was sat there with their new-born baby. She asked if I'd like to wind it.... I thought that was a bit harsh so I gave it a dead leg instead. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 9 March, 2011 Share Posted 9 March, 2011 There's a punchline in there? The best lobster joke ever is the one about the lobsters who get barred from a pub. Do tell. Unless the punchline inludes the words "crushed asian"... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 9 March, 2011 Share Posted 9 March, 2011 Went around to a friend's house today. His wife was sat there with their new-born baby. She asked if I'd like to wind it.... I thought that was a bit harsh so I gave it a dead leg instead. lol, but on a point of order it always worries me when the mother announces "I'm just going to put him down...." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hamster Posted 9 March, 2011 Share Posted 9 March, 2011 Do tell. Unless the punchline inludes the words "crushed asian"... It's as much a visual joke tbh A true story that may amuse you though is the time I was on a stag night and got so drunk that me and my mate woke up in the tiger compound at Marwell. the tiger spotted us and drooling he began slowly creeping toward us. I pulled a pair of traners from my rucksack and started la ing them up. "You'll never outrun a ****ing tiger you idiot" said my mate. "I ain't got to outrun no tiger, I only got to outrun YOU ......idiot". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 9 March, 2011 Share Posted 9 March, 2011 this is amusing, especially after the c*nt's theatrical display of diving at St Marys; http://newsthump.com/2011/03/07/manchester-uniteds-nani-out-for-weeks-with-damaged-vagina/ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notnowcato Posted 10 March, 2011 Share Posted 10 March, 2011 this is amusing, especially after the c*nt's theatrical display of diving at St Marys; http://newsthump.com/2011/03/07/manchester-uniteds-nani-out-for-weeks-with-damaged-vagina/ Agreed, very amusing. Now back on topic PLEASE!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thefunkygibbons Posted 10 March, 2011 Share Posted 10 March, 2011 You think a link with the work vagina will be safe for viewing at work? *backs off slowly Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
saintbletch Posted 10 March, 2011 Share Posted 10 March, 2011 I don't get it To get around the swear filter the punchline might read Good lord, I'm drunk. The crab had been drowning his sorrows to such a great extent that he was able to walk straight instead of sideways. (I think) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hamster Posted 10 March, 2011 Share Posted 10 March, 2011 Crabs don't drink alcohol though, jokes need at least a little plausibilty shirley Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notnowcato Posted 10 March, 2011 Share Posted 10 March, 2011 It's as much a visual joke tbh A true story that may amuse you though is the time I was on a stag night and got so drunk that me and my mate woke up in the tiger compound at Marwell. the tiger spotted us and drooling he began slowly creeping toward us. I pulled a pair of traners from my rucksack and started la ing them up. "You'll never outrun a ****ing tiger you idiot" said my mate. "I ain't got to outrun no tiger, I only got to outrun YOU ......idiot". Enthralling. Did you push your mate over after you'd finished lacing your trainers? Did you opt for the standard lacing or the butterfly lacing? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wadge Posted 10 March, 2011 Share Posted 10 March, 2011 In a run-down part of the East end of London a fire destroyed a dilapidated four-storey house that had been divided into four flats. A Nigerian family of six Internet con artists and full time benefit cheats lived on the first floor... all six tragically perished in the fire. A group of seven Islamic welfare cheats, all illegally in the country,lived on the second floor... they too, all perished in the fire. Six Albanian, gang banger, ex-cons - all claiming political asylum and living off the state for free, occupied the 3rd floor....they too died. But the middle aged British white couple who lived on the top floor miraculously survived the fire. The Equal Opportunities Commission, Amnesty International, Rights activists, black community leaders and the British Islamic Council were all furious at the apparent racial inequality of the situation. Why was just the British white couple saved? It was monstrous they claimed, and showed that systemic 'racism' still existed in all areas of public service -questions were raised in the House of Commons, the popular media picked up the story and within hours it was national and indeed international news. Boris Johnson, Mayor of London, when questioned stated calmly that it would be unwise to jump to conclusions until the Police and Fire Service had completed their report. He closed by stating that he expected their initial assessment to be available within the next 36 hours - so perhaps it would be best to let the experts gather the evidence and report back before he commented any further. The baying Press pack subsequently reported the interview in such way as to intimate that the Mayor was indifferent to suffering and was out of touch with the feelings of the whole East London community! A large motorcade of representatives from all five groups, together with the Home Secretary drove to the area, having demanded a meeting with the local chief fire officer. They made sure that a large pack of popular Press and TV had been briefed on the visit and so the motorcade was met by a huge gaggle of journalists, TV interviewers and cameras. On camera, they loudly demanded to know why the Africans, Black Muslims and Albanians all died in the fire and only the white couple lived. One bemused chief fire officer quietly replied .... "Because they were both at work." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jones91 Posted 10 March, 2011 Share Posted 10 March, 2011 Why do blacks have baggy trousers? Because their knee grows Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tpbury Posted 11 March, 2011 Share Posted 11 March, 2011 Why do blacks have baggy trousers? Because their knee grows Good crap joke - keep it up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tpbury Posted 11 March, 2011 Share Posted 11 March, 2011 In a run-down part of the East end of London a fire destroyed a dilapidated four-storey house that had been divided into four flats. A Nigerian family of six Internet con artists and full time benefit cheats lived on the first floor... all six tragically perished in the fire. A group of seven Islamic welfare cheats, all illegally in the country,lived on the second floor... they too, all perished in the fire. Six Albanian, gang banger, ex-cons - all claiming political asylum and living off the state for free, occupied the 3rd floor....they too died. But the middle aged British white couple who lived on the top floor miraculously survived the fire. The Equal Opportunities Commission, Amnesty International, Rights activists, black community leaders and the British Islamic Council were all furious at the apparent racial inequality of the situation. Why was just the British white couple saved? It was monstrous they claimed, and showed that systemic 'racism' still existed in all areas of public service -questions were raised in the House of Commons, the popular media picked up the story and within hours it was national and indeed international news. Boris Johnson, Mayor of London, when questioned stated calmly that it would be unwise to jump to conclusions until the Police and Fire Service had completed their report. He closed by stating that he expected their initial assessment to be available within the next 36 hours - so perhaps it would be best to let the experts gather the evidence and report back before he commented any further. The baying Press pack subsequently reported the interview in such way as to intimate that the Mayor was indifferent to suffering and was out of touch with the feelings of the whole East London community! A large motorcade of representatives from all five groups, together with the Home Secretary drove to the area, having demanded a meeting with the local chief fire officer. They made sure that a large pack of popular Press and TV had been briefed on the visit and so the motorcade was met by a huge gaggle of journalists, TV interviewers and cameras. On camera, they loudly demanded to know why the Africans, Black Muslims and Albanians all died in the fire and only the white couple lived. One bemused chief fire officer quietly replied .... "Because they were both at work." Laboured attempt at social commentary, whilst having some remnants of truth, only funny to DailyMails. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Easty Posted 11 March, 2011 Share Posted 11 March, 2011 A skate and a Saints fan were walking down southsea sea front, when the skate kicked a bottle. All of a sudden this genie appeared , and said for releasing me, you may have one wish each. The skate said, "I'll go first I kicked the bottle". "I would love you to put a 100 foot high wall around my beloved Portsmouth, to keep the scummers out". The genie said "your wish is my command". And as they turned around a 100 foot wall appeared. **** me, that'll do the job he said. My turn said the Saints fan.. "Now fill the Bast*rd with water".... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Easty Posted 11 March, 2011 Share Posted 11 March, 2011 One day this bloke was having a shower, and his 12 year old son walked in. Pointing down at his dads nether regions, he asked, "whats that dad"? dad replied, "thats my hedgehog son" son replied "Bloody hell he's got a hell of a cock on him" Go me coat Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Saint_Jonny Posted 11 March, 2011 Share Posted 11 March, 2011 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
skintsaint Posted 12 March, 2011 Share Posted 12 March, 2011 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thefunkygibbons Posted 14 March, 2011 Share Posted 14 March, 2011 Scientists have discovered a human jawbone that is over 2 million years old. They believe it belonged to a woman; as it was still moving. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Create an account or sign in to comment
You need to be a member in order to leave a comment
Create an account
Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!
Register a new accountSign in
Already have an account? Sign in here.
Sign In Now