StDunko Posted 11 January, 2011 Share Posted 11 January, 2011 Christ I woke up p*ssed Boxing Day. No food in the house, just an empty pizza box with a grey sock in it... I feel really bad about finding that so funny. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Redbul Posted 12 January, 2011 Author Share Posted 12 January, 2011 This morning I was in the cafe telling a member of staff about my bad luck. "First my wife died, then I lost my job, now I've lost my house." She asked, "Do you want another sausage?" I said, "No thanks love, I've got enough on my plate." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hamster Posted 12 January, 2011 Share Posted 12 January, 2011 i think i was in that same cafe yesterday Redbul. I ordered a hotdog and a burger for my friend. She took a burger out of the freezer and popped it under her armpit, when I asked wtf she was doing she said that she was defrosting it! Am I to late to cancel the hotdog, I asked. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hamster Posted 12 January, 2011 Share Posted 12 January, 2011 I feel really bad about finding that so funny. Pleas explain it to me, It's been a long day? I just know I'm gonna regert asking that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Upwind Posted 12 January, 2011 Share Posted 12 January, 2011 Takeaway pizza - missing sock - murder.............any clearer? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Redbul Posted 12 January, 2011 Author Share Posted 12 January, 2011 I've just got a doctors appointment about my constipation. Unfortunately I can't go. I went to Bulimics party the other night. It was heaving. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dronskisaint Posted 12 January, 2011 Share Posted 12 January, 2011 I've just got a doctors appointment about my constipation. Unfortunately I can't go. I went to Bulimics party the other night. It was heaving. I think I was at that second one... The cake jumped out of the girl! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OldNick Posted 12 January, 2011 Share Posted 12 January, 2011 Sky Sports reporter asked David Beckham about his move to Spurs. 'You have only played for one english club, are you worried about the stick.'? Beckham replied,'No she will be ok, she ****ing loves London.' !!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dronskisaint Posted 12 January, 2011 Share Posted 12 January, 2011 David Beckham in the back of a taxi on his way to Heathrow notices that the driver keeps looking at him quizzically & eventually asks 'Go on, give us a clue?' Beckham is used to this sort of thing & says 'England? Man Utd? Real Madrid....Spice Girl wife?' 'Nah, you thick clunt' replied the driver 'Which terminal?!' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thedelldays Posted 12 January, 2011 Share Posted 12 January, 2011 Why did the chicken cross the road? Because due to the Government's disability and employment act, the farmer was forced to hire a spastic who couldn't perform the simple task of locking the coup after feeding. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 13 January, 2011 Share Posted 13 January, 2011 Why did the chicken cross the road? Because due to the Government's disability and employment act, the farmer was forced to hire a spastic who couldn't perform the simple task of locking the coup after feeding. ...and couldn't spell "coop"..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Redbul Posted 14 January, 2011 Author Share Posted 14 January, 2011 It says in the evening paper that a dog ran 31 miles to return a stick that it's master had thrown for it. Seems very far fetched to me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Redbul Posted 20 January, 2011 Author Share Posted 20 January, 2011 My house got broken into last night. The ba5tards took my dictionary, Scrabble, Boggle.... I'm lost for words. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Redbul Posted 22 January, 2011 Author Share Posted 22 January, 2011 Got home from work early yesterday to find my wife drinking from the furry cup. Lazy cow really ought to do some washing up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hamster Posted 23 January, 2011 Share Posted 23 January, 2011 that jonathan ross is in everything at the moment. the other day he shouted through my letterbox "hamster, where are you?" "I'm in the kitchen Johnathan" "Ooh" he said, "can i be in it too" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dronskisaint Posted 23 January, 2011 Share Posted 23 January, 2011 Elton John is rumoured to be interested in buying Aston Villa & financing a move for Robbie Keane He's said to be unable to resist a forward line that is Young, Keane & Bent Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ecuk268 Posted 23 January, 2011 Share Posted 23 January, 2011 Elton John is rumoured to be interested in buying Aston Villa & financing a move for Robbie Keane He's said to be unable to resist a forward line that is Young, Keane & Bent Elton is happily civil-partnered and has just had a baby. I thought it was Gary Glitter. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dronskisaint Posted 23 January, 2011 Share Posted 23 January, 2011 Elton is happily civil-partnered and has just had a baby. I thought it was Gary Glitter. Oh silly me....Gary Glitter has such a long history of football club ownership & the penchant (jokingly) hinted at....sigh..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seaford Saint Posted 27 January, 2011 Share Posted 27 January, 2011 2 women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes…. I think they were Hovis Witnesses Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
saintwiz Posted 27 January, 2011 Share Posted 27 January, 2011 The United dressing room at St Mary's before Saturday's game - "Right lads, this is a ****ing banana skin today, we can't let these bastards beat us, get ****ing in there with hard tackles, win the breaking ball, be first to everything, I want another day out at Wembley, so come on, lets go ****ing out there today and win." With that Sir Alex walks into the dressing room and says "Ok ref, I'll take it from here." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Redbul Posted 27 January, 2011 Author Share Posted 27 January, 2011 Our 3 year old daughter accidentally swallowed one of her toys today. We rushed her to Casualty and they managed to sort it out, though she was clearly rattled. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
100%Red&White Posted 27 January, 2011 Share Posted 27 January, 2011 A p*mpey lad was giving his sister one when she started laughing. "What's so funny?" he asked. She replied "you f*ck like dad", he said "yeah, that's what mum says"................. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
INFLUENCED.COM Posted 27 January, 2011 Share Posted 27 January, 2011 The Female Linesman Sian Massey is now sponsored by Just for Men- used once and Gray was gone My Grandfather said its going to be terrible this winter with the Flu outbreaks, I said tell me something I don't know......he said "your Nan's arse can take my whole fist" Just had a letter back from Screwfix....apparently they're not a dating agency ! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Johnny Bognor Posted 27 January, 2011 Share Posted 27 January, 2011 Got caught ****ing while sniffing my mate's sister's knickers yesterday. Wouldn't have been so bad but she was still wearing them at the time. He went ballastic. Made the rest of her funeral very awkward for both of us Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Redbul Posted 27 January, 2011 Author Share Posted 27 January, 2011 You know you haven't had enough sleep when you put your socks on in the morning and one of them is still wet. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dronskisaint Posted 28 January, 2011 Share Posted 28 January, 2011 Andy Gray said when he signed for Wolves that he'd like to finish his career at Molyneaux Irony defined! Also heard by an Arsenal supporting mate He's fat, he's round He forgot about the sound Andy Gray, Andy Gray Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tpbury Posted 29 January, 2011 Share Posted 29 January, 2011 I have problems pronouncing the letters f, t and h. Can't say fairer than that? My indian mate who's mad keen on Elton John has real problems with r,a,s and i. Sari seems to be the hardest word. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SuperMikey Posted 29 January, 2011 Share Posted 29 January, 2011 I would tell you a joke about my d!ck, but it's far too long. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Saint in Paradise Posted 30 January, 2011 Share Posted 30 January, 2011 A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge so they stop. The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?" "I'm going to commit a suicide," she says. While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a Kiss?" So, she does and it was a long, deep lingering kiss. After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best Kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous Why are you committing suicide?" "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
badgerx16 Posted 30 January, 2011 Share Posted 30 January, 2011 Overheard a local painter & decorator complaining the other day; "Political Correctness has gone too far, you can't even say 'black paint' any more. It has to be 'Jethro, would you kindly put a new coating on the wall, thankyou'. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dronskisaint Posted 2 February, 2011 Share Posted 2 February, 2011 I'm in trouble again at home...we were in bed and she asked me what I would most like to do in the world with her body.... To save you some aggro - 'Identify it' is not a good answer Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Smirking_Saint Posted 4 February, 2011 Share Posted 4 February, 2011 When a women sleeps with loads of men she is a slut If a man does exactly the same.............he is a faggot. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 10 February, 2011 Share Posted 10 February, 2011 16 year old nipper asks his dad what a vagina looks like. "Well", says the father knowingly, "it has 2 different looks son. Before sex it looks like a beautiful rose with delicate pink folds". What about after sex? asks the kid. "Well" says dad, "have you ever seen a bulldog eating porridge?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dickyhale Posted 10 February, 2011 Share Posted 10 February, 2011 (edited) What do you call a woman with two c#nts Jedward's mum Edited 11 February, 2011 by dickyhale Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Saint since 52 Posted 11 February, 2011 Share Posted 11 February, 2011 BIG PEOPLE WORDS A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk! You need to use 'Big People' words,' she was always reminding them. She asked John what he had done over the weekend? 'I went to visit my Nana'. No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!' She then asked Mitchell what he had done 'I took a ride on a choo-choo'. She said. 'No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big People' words'. She then asked little Alex what he had done? 'I read a book' he replied. That's WONDERFUL!' the teacher said. 'What book did you read?' Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said, 'Winnie the ****' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Saint since 52 Posted 11 February, 2011 Share Posted 11 February, 2011 Andy Grays Resignation Letter Dear all, I am so sad to be leaving a company that I have served long and hard for, for over 20 years. In fact I would like to go out on a high and thought I’d leave you with the story of a woman I knew, who got a job as a physical education teacher for 16 year olds……….……. One day while out supervising her pupils, the teacher notices a boy in the field standing alone at one end of the field, while all the other kids are running around at the other end having fun. She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him. "You ok sweetheart?" she says. "Yes Miss" he replies. "'You can go and play with the other kids if you want" she says. "It's best I stay here Miss." he says. "Why?" she asks. The boy replies: "Because I'm the f***ing goal keeper" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seaford Saint Posted 11 February, 2011 Share Posted 11 February, 2011 I thought I'd be a gentleman today and hold the door open for a young lady, two minutes later she said "Will you sod off I'm trying to have a poo !!". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trousers Posted 11 February, 2011 Share Posted 11 February, 2011 "Well I got the test results, and they don't look good. You have chlamydia, gonorrhea and onomatopoeia." "Sorry, but what is onomatopoeia?" "It's exactly what it sounds like." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trousers Posted 11 February, 2011 Share Posted 11 February, 2011 Was in HMV after work today and bought a rare Prince CD. I was a bit shocked to be charged £35 for it, but when I got it home I partied like it was £19.99. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RedAndWhite91 Posted 11 February, 2011 Share Posted 11 February, 2011 Broken quiz machine for sale. £200 no questions asked. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Saint since 52 Posted 12 February, 2011 Share Posted 12 February, 2011 HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN Take off clothes and place them in laundry basket according to lights and darks. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups / leg-lifts, etc. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair. Shave armpits and legs. Turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mould spots with Tile Cleaner. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see partner along the way, cover up any exposed areas. HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see partner along the way, shake willy at her making the 'woo-woo' sound. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum. Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap. Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohican. Wee. Rinse off and get out of shower. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time. Admire willy size in mirror again. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass partner, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again. Throw wet towel on bed. I KNOW YOU'RE LAUGHING BECAUSE IT'S TRUE! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gaz Posted 14 February, 2011 Share Posted 14 February, 2011 If there's one thing I hate about Valentine's Day, its my wife. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tpbury Posted 16 February, 2011 Share Posted 16 February, 2011 John Cooper Clarke: Funny how we sometimes get words confused - like asking for a bint of pitter instead of a pint of bitter. The same thing happened this morning when I meant to say to my wife "Could you pass the jam dear?" What came out instead was "YOU'VE RUINED MY LIFE YOU TWISTED OLD SLAG!" HoHum Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Redbul Posted 22 February, 2011 Author Share Posted 22 February, 2011 Bloke hires a hitman to off his wife of 50 years. The hitman says "It'll take one shot just below her left t1t." The husband says "I want her killed, not feckin kneecapped!!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Saint since 52 Posted 23 February, 2011 Share Posted 23 February, 2011 Patter Two guys sitting in the office chatting when this girl passes them, going to the toilet. Guy says "I think she's nice" Guys mate "well nip over and give her the patter" Guy "the patter?" Guys mate "aye the patter" Guy "I don't know any patter I've never found it easy to talk to girls" Guys Mate "its easy all you have to say is "hello" and she will say "hello" Then say "it's a nice day isn't it" Then she will say "Yes it is" Then you say " but not half as nice as you!" Then she will say "Oh thank you" Then the patter will just flow" Guys Mate "look there she coming back out, go and give it a go" So nervously off he goes, re-running the patter in his head He walks up and says "Hello" She says "Hello" He says "It's a nice day isn't it?" She says "Yes it is" He says "but not half as nice as you" She says "Oh thank you" Few seconds of uneasy silence.............................. Then he says........................................ "Been for a sh!te then?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
action man Posted 23 February, 2011 Share Posted 23 February, 2011 got caught by my mate sniffing his sisters knickers,she was wearing them at the time ..he went f???ing ballistic....made the rest of the funeral so f@@@ing awkward Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dronskisaint Posted 24 February, 2011 Share Posted 24 February, 2011 Saw a sign yesterday that made me **** myself................. Toilet closed! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 24 February, 2011 Share Posted 24 February, 2011 got caught ****ing while sniffing my mate's sister's knickers yesterday. Wouldn't have been so bad but she was still wearing them at the time. He went ballastic. Made the rest of her funeral very awkward for both of us got caught by my mate sniffing his sisters knickers,she was wearing them at the time ..he went f???ing ballistic....made the rest of the funeral so f@@@ing awkward snap!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notnowcato Posted 25 February, 2011 Share Posted 25 February, 2011 Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dubai_phil Posted 27 February, 2011 Share Posted 27 February, 2011 I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at Park Lane pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, 'No, this is my first time.' So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty. 'Just a minute,' she said, and walked to the door, and locked it.. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. 'Do these excite you?', she asked. Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. 'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much time.' So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few moments. She looked at me with a bit of a frown. 'Did you put that condom on?' she asked. I said, 'I sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her. That's when she beat the **** out of me....... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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