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TSM Crap Joke Suppository....

Redbul

By Redbul
in The Muppet Show

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SO5 4BW

SO5 4BW

Posted
Posted
Had this this morning via text, but Dodi was replaced with "the French Coroner"

 

What's a French mortuary assistant's favourite song?

 

'Zip-a-dee-Dodi, Zip-a-dee-Di'

scotty

scotty

Posted
Posted

I sh*gged the arse off a deaf and blind girl last night. Was so ashamed of myself this morning that I superglued her fingers together so she cant tell anyone.

Redbul

Redbul

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A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and tell the other about the afterlife.

The husband goes first and makes contact a week or so later.

"Gladys...."

"Is that you Fred?"

"Yes, I've come back to tell you what it's like on the other side....I have sex then breakfast, then off to the golf course, then more sex. I sunbathe then have sex again. Lunch, romp around the golf course, than have sex all afternoon. Then supper and more sex."

"Oh Fred," says Gladys, 'You must be in heaven!!"

"Nope, I'm a bl00dy rabbit in Norfolk."

Redbul

Redbul

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When travelling in extreme weather conditions the government advise you to carry a shovel, a hazard light and a blanket.

 

I looked a right **** on the bus this morning....

hamster

hamster

Posted
Posted
When travelling in extreme weather conditions the government advise you to carry a shovel, a hazard light and a blanket.

 

I looked a right **** on the bus this morning....

 

to be fair, one should not try to look 'cool' on a bus Redbul, if you are on a bus you ARE NOT cool.

Redbul

Redbul

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A lady walked into a Police Station and the desk Sergeant said "Can I help you?"

"Yes" she said, "I'd like to report a case of sexual assault".

"Where did it happen?" the Sergeant asked.

"In the park just down the road" she replied.

"Can you describe what happened?"

"Yes, I was walking along the footpath in the park near the trees when a man jumped out of the bushes and dragged me in there, removed my underwear then he dropped his pants to his knees and had his way with me".

"Could you give me a description of him?"

"Yes, he was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a white shirt and he had these two big long pads from his feet up to and over his knees, one on each leg".

"Sounds to me like he was a cricketer, most probably a batsman", said the Sergeant.

"Yes", said the lady, "He was an Aussie Cricketer".

"That's very observant", said the Sergeant, "You worked that out from his accent?"

"No", she replied. "I worked it out because he wasn't in for very long".

hamster

hamster

Posted
Posted
A lady walked into a Police Station and the desk Sergeant said "Can I help you?"

"Yes" she said, "I'd like to report a case of sexual assault".

"Where did it happen?" the Sergeant asked.

"In the park just down the road" she replied.

"Can you describe what happened?"

"Yes, I was walking along the footpath in the park near the trees when a man jumped out of the bushes and dragged me in there, removed my underwear then he dropped his pants to his knees and had his way with me".

"Could you give me a description of him?"

"Yes, he was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a white shirt and he had these two big long pads from his feet up to and over his knees, one on each leg".

"Sounds to me like he was a cricketer, most probably a batsman", said the Sergeant.

"Yes", said the lady, "He was an Aussie Cricketer".

"That's very observant", said the Sergeant, "You worked that out from his accent?"

"No", she replied. "I worked it out because he wasn't in for very long".

 

where DO you get them? proper lol, and i don't even like cricket.

Dog

Dog

Posted
Posted

I was watching a great amateur sex scene last night until I heard the police sirens.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I almost fell off my ladder.

dubai_phil

dubai_phil

Posted
Posted

Friendly Holiday Advice

 

 

 

 

Please, take care of yourself this Christmas. A recent joint study conducted by the Department of Health and the Department of Motor Vehicles indicates that 23% of traffic accidents are alcohol related.

 

 

 

 

This means that the remaining 77% are caused by a5sholes who just drink coffee, carbonated drinks, juices, milk, water, and **** like that. Therefore, beware of those who do not drink alcohol.

 

 

They cause three times as many accidents.

 

 

 

This message is sent by someone who cares about your well being.

 

 

Redbul

Redbul

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I phoned a prostitute last night and said "Can you come to my house tonight for sex?"

She said "I'm 300 pounds."

I said "F**k that, have you got any skinny mates?"

Jones91

Jones91

Posted
Posted

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

 

Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.

 

He told them to go away and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.

 

"OK, follow me" he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.

 

Down through the valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees.

 

Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

 

"Now, do you see that branch over there?" he asked.

 

"Yes, Yes, Yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

 

"Good" said the bat, "Because I ****ing didn't!"

Redbul

Redbul

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I'm fed up with the excuses women come out with to avoid sex;

"I'm washing my hair...."

"I'm tired...."

"I've got a headache...."

"I'm your sister...."

Redbul

Redbul

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The Liverpool board have said they don’t know who will be in charge for Sunday’s FA Cup clash with Man Utd.

 

 

 

 

My money’s on Man Utd…..

Rut

Rut

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Posted

A man is sitting in a bar looking depressed when a woman approaches and asks him what's wrong.

He tells her sadly that his girlfriend just left him and, after some pressuring, admits that it was because he was just too kinky for her.

"What a coincidence!" exclaimed the woman. "My boyfriend just left me for the same reason."

 

The two hit it off and, after a few drinks, decided to go back to her place as it was nearest.

The woman left the man alone in the living room and disappeared into the bedroom.

 

After 10 minutes she reappeared dressed in full leather and chains, with whip and ballgag in hand only to see the man about to leave.

"Where are you going?" she asked. "I thought you were kinky?"

 

"I am," he replied. "I just f#cked your cat and just took a sh#t in your handbag. I'm off home now."

tpbury

tpbury

Posted
Posted
I had to give a talk at work to a load of backpackers last week.

 

They were on the edge of their seats.

 

Good joke. Though I don't think it will get much laughs at the WMC.

dubai_phil

dubai_phil

Posted
Posted

Some years ago, in a small coastal Irish community,

Paddy married a woman, Maggie, half his age.

All was well at first until Maggie took delivery of a 'woman's' magazine and began to read things about sex. It soon became clear that she had never climaxed during sex and, according to her Grandmother, all Irish women are entitled to a climax once in a while.

To resolve the problem, Paddy and Maggie went to see the Veterinarian since there was no doctor within thirty miles who could be relied upon not to gossip.

However, the Vet didn't have a clue about people. But he did recall during hot summers, his mother and father would fan a cow (with a big towel) that was having difficulty breeding.

Apparently, this cooled her down and helped her to relax.

So he recommended they hire a strong, young man to wave a big towel over them while they were having sex.

This, the Vet said, should cause the young wife to cool down, relax and possibly achieve the sought after climax.

So the couple hired a strong young man from Dublin to wave a huge bath towel over them as the Vet suggested.

After many efforts, Maggie still had not climaxed so they went back to the Vet who suggested she change partners and let the young man have a go while Paddy waved the big towel.

They tried it that night and Maggie went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a half hours.

When it was over, Paddy looked down at the exhausted young man and in a boasting voice shouted, "And dat, me auld son, is how ya wave a feckin' towel"!!

.

Big John

Big John

Posted
Posted

/\

 

reminds of the story i heard of a young couple living in the country who were having problems in the bedroom as the husband could not sustain an erection.

 

chatting about his little problem to the local farmer in the village pub, the farmer invites him over the next day to see how he overcame a similar problem with one of his prize bulls who could not perform his duties.

 

next day Billy arrives at the farm and they both gingerly walk up to the top field where the farmer proceeds to put his hand up a cows lady parts and then wipes his hand over the bull's face. the bull then snorts loudly, mounts said cow and does his business with vigour and gusto.

 

off Billy goes home and carries his wife up to their bedroom. billy copies what the farmer showed him, rubbing the juices over his own face.

 

'does i look like a raging bull?' asks billy.

 

'no billy my lover you don't, you look more like a bloody red indian.'

Redbul

Redbul

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what do you call an aussie who is good with a bat?

 

a vet.

 

What do you call an Aussie with a hundred runs to his name?

 

 

 

 

 

A bowler.

Pancake

Pancake

Posted
Posted
I sh*gged the arse off a deaf and blind girl last night. Was so ashamed of myself this morning that I superglued her fingers together so she cant tell anyone.

 

Surely she can just tell someone?

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