badgerx16 Posted 17 May, 2023 Share Posted 17 May, 2023 Where do you go to learn to make ice cream ? Sundae school. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
badgerx16 Posted 4 June, 2023 Share Posted 4 June, 2023 ( This is currently our 7 year old grandson's favourite joke )...…. Little Billy's teacher asks him why his maths answer says "10+10=11+11" Billy answers "10 plus 10 equals 20, and 11 plus 11 equals 20 too". 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
badgerx16 Posted 6 July, 2023 Share Posted 6 July, 2023 2 blokes discussing their recently deceased mate; "Shame about Stefan, but at least it was a natural death" "What do you mean, he had a bloody great pole shoved up his arse" "Well, it's natural that he's dead then". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Saint in Paradise Posted 9 August, 2023 Share Posted 9 August, 2023 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Saint in Paradise Posted 11 August, 2023 Share Posted 11 August, 2023 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
andypen Posted 12 August, 2023 Share Posted 12 August, 2023 I'm trying to remember the joke about a boomerang. Never mind, I expect it'll come back to me. (Jimmy Carr) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
badgerx16 Posted 15 October, 2023 Share Posted 15 October, 2023 She wanted me to treat her like a princess, so I married her off to a stranger to strengthen an alliance with Poland. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
badgerx16 Posted 15 October, 2023 Share Posted 15 October, 2023 3 expectant fathers are waiting in the delivery suite; one English, one Welsh, and one Pakistani. A doctor comes into the waiting room and announces that there has been a mixup with the babies and asks that the fathers go into the nursery to see if they can pick out any identifying features indicating which is their child. The englishman says he will go first, and after a couple of minutes comes back holding a baby with obviously darker skin. "Hold on", says the Pakistani father, "that baby has much more in common with me than with you". " I know", replies the Englishman, "but one of those 2 in there is Welsh, and I am not taking any chances". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
badgerx16 Posted 28 October, 2023 Share Posted 28 October, 2023 The difference between Gen Z and Boomers; Taylor Swift writes whiney songs about her break-up, Stevie Nicks made Lyndsey Buckingham sing the lyrics she penned about how big a bastard he was. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Convict Colony Posted 21 November, 2023 Share Posted 21 November, 2023 Whats the definition of relative humidity ? The sweat on your bollocks when your fucking your sister 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lee On Solent Saint Posted 21 November, 2023 Share Posted 21 November, 2023 3 hours ago, Convict Colony said: Whats the definition of relative humidity ? The sweat on your bollocks when your fucking your sister One for the Pompey thread there Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
badgerx16 Posted 29 November, 2023 Share Posted 29 November, 2023 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Saint in Paradise Posted 4 December, 2023 Share Posted 4 December, 2023 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
badgerx16 Posted 5 December, 2023 Share Posted 5 December, 2023 A man asks his girlfriend "Can you promise that I am the only one you have ever slept with". "Yes", she replied, "the rest were at least a seven". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
badgerx16 Posted 18 December, 2023 Share Posted 18 December, 2023 Why do ducks never grow up ? Because they grow down. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
badgerx16 Posted 25 December, 2023 Share Posted 25 December, 2023 Who officiates cricket matches in the Vatican City ? The Holy Roman Umpire. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
badgerx16 Posted 29 December, 2023 Share Posted 29 December, 2023 Where do hospital staff play hide and seek ? The ICU. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
badgerx16 Posted January 9 Share Posted January 9 (edited) How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizza ? Deep pan, crisp and even. Edited January 9 by badgerx16 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
badgerx16 Posted February 2 Share Posted February 2 A German traveller approaches the passport check on arriving in a country: "Name ?" asks the Immigration Officer "Heinrich Gruber" is the reply "Occupation ?" asks the Officer "No, this time I am only visiting'". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Redbul Posted March 4 Author Share Posted March 4 I've just heard that Dick Dastardly's dog wasn't well so he had to borrow another one. It wasn't 'exactly' the same, but it was a proxy Muttley. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Redbul Posted March 4 Author Share Posted March 4 We were talking to the kids over the weekend about how the wife and I met. We met at a 'Make a Jelly in the shape of a US President' class. I knew she was the one as soon as I set Eisenhower. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GrumpyYorkshireSaint Posted March 28 Share Posted March 28 What do you call a monkey that explodes? A BaBOOM. I'll get my coat. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Saint in Paradise Posted June 13 Share Posted June 13 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
badgerx16 Posted July 25 Share Posted July 25 On "Me and the farmer" on R4 , Jim Smith tells tales of growing up on a farm and working as a farmer. On the episode I heard last night he said that when he was a lad they grew many varieties of potatoes, his favourite being 'Duke of York'.......because they don't sweat in storage. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Saint in Paradise Posted July 28 Share Posted July 28 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Saint in Paradise Posted July 29 Share Posted July 29 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
badgerx16 Posted August 8 Share Posted August 8 A man who was taking homeopathic medicine has died of an overdose after drinking a pint of water. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Redbul Posted September 5 Author Share Posted September 5 I've started doing a bit of painting lately so I though I'd paint the wife's portrait. She said the style was 'A bit too Picasso' for her liking. She's got a blinking cheek.... 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Redbul Posted September 30 Author Share Posted September 30 The wife is always moaning at me 'cos she thinks I'm going deaf after years of gigging and listening to music too loudly at home. So I called the Tinnitus Helpline. No answer, just kept ringing..... 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Whitey Grandad Posted September 30 Share Posted September 30 1 hour ago, Redbul said: The wife is always moaning at me 'cos she thinks I'm going deaf after years of gigging and listening to music too loudly at home. So I called the Tinnitus Helpline. No answer, just kept ringing..... I called the Ramblers Association the other day. The man on the other end just went on and on… 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gloucester Saint Posted September 30 Share Posted September 30 Overheard this one on the way to SMS a few years back: A Saints supporting man in his early 20s is set up by work colleagues with a blind date with a woman around the same age from a Portsmouth-supporting family. They meet at Whiteley as a neutral venue. His dad asks him if he’ll let him know halfway through what the woman is like and whether he’d like to see her again. The date is going fairly well and he pops outside whilst she’s gone to the toilet to ring his father, ’It’s going well Dad, I think I like her, she says she’s still a Virgin’ ’Son, you need to come home now’ ‘Dad, why?’ ’Son, if she’s not good enough for her own family, she’s not good enough for ours’. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Redbul Posted October 2 Author Share Posted October 2 Something I learnt last night watching a nature doc; Koi carp always swim in groups of 4. If they are attacked Kois A, B and C will scatter leaving behind the D Koi. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Holmes_and_Watson Posted October 2 Share Posted October 2 (edited) 2 hours ago, Redbul said: Edited October 2 by Holmes_and_Watson Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Redbul Posted October 14 Author Share Posted October 14 A mate of mine who was struggling to look after and feed his morbidly obese parrot has managed to get it rehomed in a zoo. That's a huge weight off his shoulders. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
badgerx16 Posted October 23 Share Posted October 23 (edited) A gay teenager was sent to a 'conversion therapy' centre, where they put him in a straight jacket. Edited October 23 by badgerx16 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Saint in Paradise Posted November 9 Share Posted November 9 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Saint in Paradise Posted November 9 Share Posted November 9 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Redbul Posted November 11 Author Share Posted November 11 If anyone's interested the Self Deprecation Society is taking applications for new members. I've already put myself down. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
badgerx16 Posted Sunday at 09:20 Share Posted Sunday at 09:20 I went to a restaurant in Tel Aviv but a waiter told me they were full despite half the tables being vacant. I pointed out the empty chairs and he replied "Oh yes, they are occupied". ( Courtesy of a Jewish comedian at a comedy club in Blackpool, who also said that on his visit to Israel he was on a trip to the Holocaust museum and said to his wife "Don't you think it's ironic that we are going there by train ?" ) 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trousers Posted Sunday at 10:00 Share Posted Sunday at 10:00 38 minutes ago, badgerx16 said: at a comedy club in Blackpool Living the dream, I see...! (So says the man sat here in his pyjamas watching 'Love Your Weekend with Alan Titchmarsh 😁) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
badgerx16 Posted Sunday at 10:42 Share Posted Sunday at 10:42 39 minutes ago, trousers said: Living the dream, I see...! (So says the man sat here in his pyjamas watching 'Love Your Weekend with Alan Titchmarsh 😁) Our son had a work night out at the club last night, it is compered by the father of one of his colleagues. I was his taxi service. Fucking nightmare trying to work our way through the traffic jams caused by Strictly. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Redbul Posted Tuesday at 13:37 Author Share Posted Tuesday at 13:37 I've got a pest control practical exam tomorrow!! No doubt I'll be up all night swatting. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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