TSM Crap Joke Suppository....

[badgerx16]

A guy is walking down the street in Minsk, the capital of Belarus very close to the protests when suddenly a police car full of cops pulls up. The cops jump out of the car and start beating up the guy.   
   
The poor guy then yells: "No, please, stop! I voted for Lukashenko!"   
   
One of the cops then responds: "Shut up, liar! No one voted for Lukashenko!"

[badgerx16]

Vladimir Putin shows up in one of the Moscow's primary    
schools.  After the welcoming ceremony there is some time    
for the students to ask the President a few questions   
   
Little Sasha stands up and says:   
   
I only have 2 questions:   
   
1. Why did Russia take over the Crimea?   
   
2. What are Russian soldiers doing in Ukraine?   
   
Before Putin was able to say anything the bell suddenly rang, and all the students went for a break.   
   
After the break, when everyone was back, a different student stood up and said:   
   
Dear Mr President, I have only four questions:   
   
1. Why did Russia take over the Crimea?   
   
2. What are Russian soldiers doing in Ukraine?   
   
3. Why did the bell ring 20 minutes early?   
   
4. Where is Sasha?

Edited 26 March, 2022 by badgerx16

[Redbul]

I've just bought my wife a beautiful slinky dress.

She looks amazing going down the stairs!

[Klaus Schwab]

Just back from the zoo. 
 

Saw a baguette in one of the cages looking a little bit worse for wear. 
 
I asked the zoo keeper about it and he told me not to worry, it was bread in captivity. 

[cloggy saint]

I also went to the zoo recently and all they had was one dog. It was a shih tzu.

[badgerx16]

Why does Batman's mask not cover his entire face ?

He needs to show the Police that he is white.

[Tamesaint]

Is it true that now that Scunthorpe have been relegated from the Football League the only 2 teams whose names contain swear words are Arsenal and Fucking Leeds United?

[badgerx16]

5 minutes ago, Tamesaint said:

Is it true that now that Scunthorpe have been relegated from the Football League the only 2 teams whose names contain swear words are Arsenal and Fucking Leeds United?

You forgot Portsmouth. ( I will now go and sanitise my keyboard ).

[StDunko]

After my wife left I started drinking and taking drugs. I spiraled into meaningless unprotected sex with multiple prostitutes.

 

I thinks she's going to be mad at me when she gets back from Asda.

[badgerx16]

A millionaire, a worker, and an immigrant are sitting at a table with 1000 biscuits. The millionaire takes 999 biscuits and then says to the worker "Watch out, that immigrant is after your biscuit".

[trousers]

2 minutes ago, badgerx16 said:

A millionaire, a worker, and an immigrant are sitting at a table with 1000 biscuits. The millionaire takes 999 biscuits and then says to the worker "Watch out, that immigrant is after your biscuit".

Bloody big table

[badgerx16]

3 minutes ago, trousers said:

Bloody big table

They borrowed it from Vladimir Putin

Edited 22 May, 2022 by badgerx16

[Redbul]

I heard the bricklayers outside my house arguing about who had forgotten to put the tools in the van.

There was a lot of finger pointing.

[Saint in Paradise]

Which will look the best on my resume?

"Single-handedly analysed and diagnosed the cause of a potentially fatal compromised visibility situation,

 
identified the optimum solution and managed the successful relaunch, upgrade and deployment of new

 

environmental illumination system with zero cost overruns and zero safety incidents"

OR

I changed a light bulb without falling off the step ladder.

 

 

[badgerx16]

An African American with a stutter narrowly avoided a lynching in Mississippi after asking directions to the nearest "K-K-KFC".

Edited 5 July, 2022 by badgerx16

[badgerx16]

Head and Shoulders are thinking of marketing a new lower body wash. It will be called Knees and Toes.

[Redbul]

"Chin up son" my Dad always used to say to me.

Great bloke, terrible boxing coach.

[badgerx16]

A midget pschic escaped from Police custody. They put out a radio message "There's a small medium at large".

[Redbul]

My Dad would always go that extra mile for everyone.

Great bloke, terrible taxi driver.

[badgerx16]

What is the worst thing to hear in a nuclear laboratory ?

 

 

"Ooops !"

[Redbul]

A fellah at work just asked if I wanted some free booze.
'Yeah, brilliant cheers mate, don't mind if I do' I said.
So he walked behind me and went 'BOO BOO BOO!!! No charge mate.'

[badgerx16]

 

[badgerx16]

Is it OK for a vegan girl to give a blow job as long as she doesn't swallow ?

[badgerx16]

What does Winnie the Pooh have in common with Alexander the Great ?

 

 

 

 

The same middle name.

[badgerx16]

Why did the penguin take his HGV test ?

 

Because he wanted to drive antarcticulated lorries.

[StDunko]

I went to my doctors for a check-up the other day. He told me I had to stop masturbating.

I asked; Why?

 

He said the other people in the waiting room were complaining.

[cloggy saint]

What do monkeys and chainsaws have in common?  They both fuck up trees.

[Redbul]

I can't stand people who think they're worse off that other people.
A good friend of mine had a really bad accident where he lost his voice and both legs.
Does he make a song and dance about it?  No.

[cloggy saint]

I've recently been dating a couple of anorexic girls. Two birds, one stone.

[skintsaint]

RIP Robbie Coltrane and condolences to the pall bearers.

[badgerx16]

What did the elepnant say to the naked man ?

 

 

"Impressive, but can you pick up peanuts with it ?"

[ecuk268]

[badgerx16]

If Chris Kamara looks at himself in the back of a spoon, does he look normal ?

[Pickles]

[badgerx16]

A man was arrested after Police found 2 crows in a cage in his house. He has been charged with attempted murder.

[Redbul]

My dyslexic club had a day out to visit a Maritime Museum.

Half of us loved it, the other half hated it.

[Redbul]

Just had to call our IS dept 'cos my laptop was acting up.

They asked "Have you tried disabling cookies?"

So I said "Well I bit the legs off a gingerbread man once...."

[badgerx16]

( Unashamedly nicked from Richard Osman );

 

If Champion the Wonder Horse had been female, would she have been a Western Super Mare ?

[Redbul]

Bit of sad local news as the circus we were going to see tonight has had to temporarily close following the freak death of the human cannonball.

 

A spokesman for the circus has paid tribute to the poor guy saying they'll never see an act of his calibre again.

[Redbul]

The hardest part about making skimmed milk is throwing the cow across the lake.

[Southner]

Why are there no painkillers in the jungle?

Because the paracetamol. 

[Redbul]

Pfffff, my missus says I can't multitask!!

Well, I'm writing this joke and driving at the sa

[badgerx16]

The French baker may have cremated the baguette, but he did it with panache.

[badgerx16]

Was Moses the first person to download from a cloud onto a tablet ?

[Redbul]

Be careful out there everyone!  Apparently there's a group of old men going about, pinning people to the ground and repairing their shoes.

 

Sounds like a load of old cobblers.

[StDunko]

Blind prostitutes: You really have to hand it to them.

[SotonianWill]

What’s a skates favourite part of Southampton? 

 

Thornhill

(Fournill) get it? okay. off to bed. 

[Redbul]

I bought a new fish for our ornamental fish pond from a Scottish carp breeder.

It's the real McKoi.

[badgerx16]

Did the Romans use SPQR codes ?

[Redbul]

The local cricket club is crowdfunding for a new building project.  Apparently they need a pavilion.

That sounds like a ridiculously unimaginable amount of money to me...