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TSM Crap Joke Suppository....


Redbul

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Watching TV coverage of the British Touring Cars last weekend, a Toyota broke down on the formation lap of race 2 and the driver switched on his hazard lights. Commentator #1 said "Looks like he's got a problem",  his colleague replied "Maybe it's got Corolla virus".

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So, a koala goes to a nightclub and hooks up with a babe. They dance all night, he gets pissed (he's Australian so what else) and they go to her place for a bit of how's your father.  Five minutes later (again, he's an Aussie) the Koala jumps out of the sack and calls a taxi.  "What are you doing?" asks Ms babe. "You can't go home yet until you've paid me". "What do you mean?" says the Koala. "I'm a prostitute" she replied. "Look it up in the dictionary; it means somebody who has sex with a drunk Aussie for five hundred quid. If you're a kiwi stud it's free."* The koala thought for a minute and replied "Look up the dictionary for the definition of a koala: a small furry animal that eats roots and leaves".

Bah-dah-boom  tish!

 

 

*I made that bit up - I (um I mean we) often use a loyalty card

Edited by Jeremy
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James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, and then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I'm wearing panties!"

Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's an hour fast."

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At A Mental Hospital :
Doctor: - "What is this?"
Mad Man: - "This is a book i wrote. Total 500 pages."
Doctor- "You wrote 500 pages? Wow! What did you write?"
Mad man: "On the first page I wrote 'One King rode on a Horse and went towards the Jungle.' and on the last page I wrote 'The King reached the Jungle.'"
Doctor:- "So what did you write in the remaining 498 pages?"
Mad Man:- "I wrote;
Tigdik tigdik tigdik
tigdik.... tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.
Tigdik tigdik tigdik
tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.
Tigdik tigdik tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.
Tigdik tigdik tigdik
tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.
Tigdik ti tigdik tigdik...
Tigdiki tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.
Tigdik tigdik tigdik
tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.
Tigdik tigdik tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.
Tigdik tigdik tigdik
tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.
Tigdik ti tigdik
tigdik...
Doctor :- (stunned) "And what's that?"
Mad Man:- "That's the sound of the horse galloping, the hooves digging the terrain."
Doctor- "I see - and who do you think will read your story?"
Mad Man: "The people on SaintsWeb will definitely read it. In fact one of them is reading it as we speak!"
 
Edited by Saint in Paradise
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34 minutes ago, Saint in Paradise said:
At A Mental Hospital :
Doctor: - "What is this?"
Mad Man: - "This is a book i wrote. Total 500 pages."
Doctor- "You wrote 500 pages? Wow! What did you write?"
Mad man: "On the first page I wrote 'One King rode on a Horse and went towards the Jungle.' and on the last page I wrote 'The King reached the Jungle.'"
Doctor:- "So what did you write in the remaining 498 pages?"
Mad Man:- "I wrote;
Tigdik tigdik tigdik
tigdik.... tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.
Tigdik tigdik tigdik
tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.
Tigdik tigdik tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.
Tigdik tigdik tigdik
tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.
Tigdik ti tigdik tigdik...
Tigdiki tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.
Tigdik tigdik tigdik
tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.
Tigdik tigdik tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.
Tigdik tigdik tigdik
tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik. Tigdik
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.
Tigdik ti tigdik
tigdik...
Doctor :- (stunned) "And what's that?"
Mad Man:- "That's the sound of the horse galloping, the hooves digging the terrain."
Doctor- "I see - and who do you think will read your story?"
Mad Man: "The people on SaintsWeb will definitely read it. In fact one of them is reading it as we speak!"
 

I did the usual thing of skipping to the end to see if the story was worth persisting with. TBH it wasn't. 😉

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Two women are on a girls night out and whilst walking home they desperately need to p*ss. They sneak into a nearby cemetery and crouch down behind a tombstone but suddenly realise they have nothing to wipe with. One woman thinks, ‘sod it I’ll just use my knickers and leave them here’. The second grabs the wreath for the grave she’s crouching on and uses that.

 

The next day one of their husbands texts the other and says, "no more girls’ nights out, my wife came home last night with no knickers on!" The other guy replies, "think you’ve got problems? My wife had a card in her crack saying, ‘from all the guys down at the fire station, we’ll never forget you!’"

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A Polish pilot having escaped from the German invasion in 1939, arrives at his new RAF base and introduces himself to the squadron CO.

"What combat experience do you have ?" asks the CO.

"On the day the Germans invaded I took to the skies to fight back. There were fokkers to the left of me and fokkers to the right of me..."

The CO interrupts him - "I thought Fokkers are flown by the Dutch Airforce".

"True", replies the Pole, "but these fokkers were flying Messerschmitts".

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On 15/04/2021 at 19:33, badgerx16 said:

A Polish pilot having escaped from the German invasion in 1939, arrives at his new RAF base and introduces himself to the squadron CO.

"What combat experience do you have ?" asks the CO.

"On the day the Germans invaded I took to the skies to fight back. There were fokkers to the left of me and fokkers to the right of me..."

The CO interrupts him - "I thought Fokkers are flown by the Dutch Airforce".

"True", replies the Pole, "but these fokkers were flying Messerschmitts".

3FCCA312-311E-42DD-80FE-69A764F57113.jpeg.54fbcca644bdd9bd5096b7bcb972f641.jpeg

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On 09/07/2020 at 12:25, badgerx16 said:

Archeologists have discovered a new race of early humans. They apparently wandered around without settling in any particular place. They have been termed the Meanderthals.

Possibly related to the Farkarwe tribe who had no sense of direction.

When anyone met them, they said "We're the Farkarwe"

Edited by ecuk268
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Dave was bragging to his boss one day,
"You know, I know everyone famous there is to know"
"Go on - Just name someone, anyone, and I bet that know them"
Tired of his boasting, his boss decides to call Dave's bluff,
 "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"
"Not a problem boss"
"Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it"
So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door.
Tom Cruise is at home and answers the door himself and shouts,
"Dave! What's happening?"
"Great to see you!"
"Come on in for a beer! 
Although shocked and more than a little impressed, Dave's boss is still sceptical and he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just pure luck.
"No, no, just name anyone else then"
Dave says. “President Biden!"
His boss quickly retorts.
"Yup" Dave says, "We're buddies from years ago"
"Let's fly out to Washington and I'll show you"
So they fly out to Washington and go on the Whitehouse tour"
"While walking through the White House, Biden himself appears, spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying,
"Dave, what a surprise, it's great to see you again after all this time"
"I was just on my way to a meeting but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up"
After they leave the White House grounds the boss tells Dave that he's still not entirely convinced.
Dave again implores him to name another famous person.
After thinking about it for a long time the boss replies with,
"The Pope!"
"Sure thing!" Says Dave,
"known the Pope for years - since before he became Pope in fact"
So off they fly to Rome.
Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses in Saint Peter's Square at the Vatican.
Dave says, “This will never work"
"I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people"
"Tell you what, I know all the Pope's guards here as well so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."
Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him,
"What happened?"
His boss looks up and says,
"It was the final straw" 
"You and the Pope came out on the balcony and a Japanese tourist next to me said," 
"Who the hell is that on the balcony with Dave?"

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1 hour ago, John Boy Saint said:

Dave was bragging to his boss one day,
"You know, I know everyone famous there is to know"
"Go on - Just name someone, anyone, and I bet that know them"
Tired of his boasting, his boss decides to call Dave's bluff,
 "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"
"Not a problem boss"
"Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it"
So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door.
Tom Cruise is at home and answers the door himself and shouts,
"Dave! What's happening?"
"Great to see you!"
"Come on in for a beer! 
Although shocked and more than a little impressed, Dave's boss is still sceptical and he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just pure luck.
"No, no, just name anyone else then"
Dave says. “President Biden!"
His boss quickly retorts.
"Yup" Dave says, "We're buddies from years ago"
"Let's fly out to Washington and I'll show you"
So they fly out to Washington and go on the Whitehouse tour"
"While walking through the White House, Biden himself appears, spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying,
"Dave, what a surprise, it's great to see you again after all this time"
"I was just on my way to a meeting but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up"
After they leave the White House grounds the boss tells Dave that he's still not entirely convinced.
Dave again implores him to name another famous person.
After thinking about it for a long time the boss replies with,
"The Pope!"
"Sure thing!" Says Dave,
"known the Pope for years - since before he became Pope in fact"
So off they fly to Rome.
Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses in Saint Peter's Square at the Vatican.
Dave says, “This will never work"
"I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people"
"Tell you what, I know all the Pope's guards here as well so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."
Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him,
"What happened?"
His boss looks up and says,
"It was the final straw" 
"You and the Pope came out on the balcony and a Japanese tourist next to me said," 
"Who the hell is that on the balcony with Dave?"

It wasn’t Dave, it was Smudger Smith.

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(I haven't read all 46 pages so sorry if this was previously posted)

A student takes a gap year to do some travelling.  He visits the US and hires a car to make a coast-to-coast trip.  One day in the middle of nowhere, he stops at a small town and goes into a bar.  In the corner he sees a Native American man sitting on his own.

He orders a drink and gets chatting to the barman and he asks him about the guy in the corner.

"Oh that's Bill," replies the barman "he has the most amazing memory and remembers every fact he's ever heard.  Go and ask him any question and I bet he can answer it."

The student thinks he will catch him out with a question about English football and, being a Saints fan, he walks over to the Native American and says 

"Hi, can you tell me who won the FA Cup in 1976?"

"Southampton" comes the immediate reply.

"Who did they beat and what was the score?"

"They beat Manchester United 1-0"

"Who scored the winning goal?"

"Bobby Stokes"

The student is amazed.  When he gets home from his trip he tells all his friends about the incredible memory man and vows that one day, he will return to try and speak with him again.

But life got in the way and 20 years passed by before he finally had the opportunity to take some time off and return to the US and try to retrace the route from his previous trip.  Everything had changed and he struggled to remember the exact route that he took before.  Just as he was giving up hope on the last day of his trip, by some fluke, he found himself in the same small town as before.

To his delight the bar was still there and when he walked in, the same man was sitting in the corner.  This time he thinks he should treat the Native American with a bit more respect and greet him in an appropriate manner.

He walks over to the man, raises a hand and says "How!"

"A left-footed shot into the corner in the 83rd minute" comes the reply.

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