Gingeletiss Posted 3 March, 2018 Posted 3 March, 2018 Scene: The end of the Second World War. And a Washington Post reporter was interviewing Japanese prisoners in a camp on the mainland. Reporter to the prisoner: What did you do in the war? Prisoner: I’m Chinese. I flew aircraft. Reporter: Oh, and what’s your name? Prisoner: Chow Mein, I was a Kamikaze pilot. Reporter: That’s strange, I thought Kamikaze pilots crashed their planes and were killed? Prisoner: No—not me, I was Chicken Chow Mein.
scotty Posted 12 March, 2018 Posted 12 March, 2018 Something good has come out of the weekend protests at West Ham, in the form of a major new sponsor. "We heard about the bottled piss and went for it," said a Fosters spokesman.
scotty Posted 14 March, 2018 Posted 14 March, 2018 Steven Hawking dies at 76. Cause of death: Error 404.
hamster Posted 17 March, 2018 Posted 17 March, 2018 Hi, I've been lying dormant for a quite some time so I had to reset my password. I tried to change it to BeefStew123 but it wouldn't let me...apparently it's not stroganoff
OldNick Posted 17 March, 2018 Posted 17 March, 2018 Hi, I've been lying dormant for a quite some time so I had to reset my password. I tried to change it to BeefStew123 but it wouldn't let me...apparently it's not stroganoffHey Hamster good to see you back
Saint in Paradise Posted 25 March, 2018 Posted 25 March, 2018 "And then God created the orgasm, just so women can moan even when they are happy"
scotty Posted 30 March, 2018 Posted 30 March, 2018 Froggit croaks. I've been waiting forty years to use that gag.
scotty Posted 18 April, 2018 Posted 18 April, 2018 Dale Winton has died aged 62. They got his body to the morgue surprisingly quickly.
scotty Posted 22 April, 2018 Posted 22 April, 2018 Verne Troyer is dead. Murdered by his brother, Des.
Saint in Paradise Posted 1 May, 2018 Posted 1 May, 2018 Dog frightened when in the water https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_MCa30dnwAg
scotty Posted 6 May, 2018 Posted 6 May, 2018 Last week, Alex Ferguson was nice to Arsene Wenger. Now he's had a brain haemorrhage. Coincidence? I think not.
OldNick Posted 6 May, 2018 Posted 6 May, 2018 Last week, Alex Ferguson was nice to Arsene Wenger. Now he's had a brain haemorrhage. Coincidence? I think not. Fergie time
scotty Posted 9 May, 2018 Posted 9 May, 2018 My wife stood in front of a massive oak, and stared. "That looks ancient, just look at the size of it!!" Said the tree.
scotty Posted 9 May, 2018 Posted 9 May, 2018 Wayne Rooney has visited Alex Ferguson in hospital. "He's improving, and can almost string a sentence together," commented Ferguson.
Saint in Paradise Posted 10 May, 2018 Posted 10 May, 2018 I was going to donate blood until they started asking awkward questions such as:- "Hang on a moment whose blood is this?" and "Where did you get it?"
BlagdonSaint Posted 12 May, 2018 Posted 12 May, 2018 Wayne Rooney has visited Alex Ferguson in hospital. "He's improving, and can almost string a sentence together," commented Ferguson. Fecking brilliant!
scotty Posted 17 May, 2018 Posted 17 May, 2018 My girlfriend just texted that she's bought a Siamese cat. I can't wait to get home and see it. I've never seen a cat with two heads before.
Shroppie Posted 17 May, 2018 Posted 17 May, 2018 A young man was preparing for the big night when he would lose his virginity. Nervously, he found a packet of condoms and presented them to the checkout girl. Seeing his embarrassment, she said "I bet you've never used one of these before". He admitted he hadn't. With a smile, she said "I'm just finishing. Meet me round the back in five minutes and I'll give you some instruction". They duly met up and she told him to unwrap a condom, which he did. She then carefully applied it to her own thumb, making sure he was taking good note. He was about to go when she unbuttoned her blouse. "Do you like that? You could always learn another way" Then she took off her blouse and her bra quickly followed. Wildly excited, he leapt on to her, lifting her skirt and pulling down her panties. Then his trousers were off, and carefully following her instructions, he put on the condom and within seconds it was all over. "Wow", she said. "Was that good for you too?" "Oh yes", he smiled. "And you did remember the condom?" "Oh yes" he said, showing her his thumb. She fainted. Sent from my Pixel using Tapatalk
mack rill Posted 18 May, 2018 Posted 18 May, 2018 Prince Harry says he doesn't want the traditional fruit cake at his wedding. Prince Phillip says he doesn't give a ****, he's still going!
Shroppie Posted 24 May, 2018 Posted 24 May, 2018 Villa fans warned not bring flares to Wembley for play off final. In a statement, Met Police state that alrhough they wore them at Wembley last time they visited, It's now not acceptable . [emoji6] Sent from my Pixel using Tapatalk
ericofarabia Posted 24 May, 2018 Posted 24 May, 2018 How do you keep thousands of fools in suspense? Delay making any announcements on the managerial situation at St Mary's? #topical
scotty Posted 25 May, 2018 Posted 25 May, 2018 Villa fans warned not bring flares to Wembley for play off final. In a statement, Met Police state that alrhough they wore them at Wembley last time they visited, It's now not acceptable . [emoji6] Sent from my Pixel using Tapatalk
scotty Posted 25 May, 2018 Posted 25 May, 2018 I've swapped my white Transit for a pink VW. I wanted a camper van.
OldNick Posted 30 May, 2018 Posted 30 May, 2018 I've swapped my white Transit for a pink VW. I wanted a camper van.good one
scotty Posted 16 June, 2018 Posted 16 June, 2018 It's not all bad news for the drawing department of Glasgow art school. They're never going to run out of charcoal.
John Boy Saint Posted 17 June, 2018 Posted 17 June, 2018 At a winery, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire. A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position. The director of the winery wondered how to”nicely” send him away in this “all too Politically Correct” world. He gave him a glass of their low end wine to drink. The drunk sipped it and without the traditional sniffing or swirling said, “It’s a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acceptable.” “That’s correct”, said the boss. Another glass…“This is a Cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results.” “Correct.” A third glass… “It’s a Pinot Blanc Champagne, high grade and exclusive,” the drunk said calmly. The director was astonished. He winked at his secretary,secretly suggesting something. She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it. “It’s a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant and if I don’t get the job I’ll name the father.”
Lighthouse Posted 21 June, 2018 Posted 21 June, 2018 My Dad said he'd beat me up if he caught me nicking kitchen utensils again but it's a whisk I'm willing to take.
scotty Posted 24 June, 2018 Posted 24 June, 2018 This is superb PALO ALTO, CA—Decrying the warped nature of humanity’s unfettered arrogance, the Onion Social algorithm delivered a stirring monologue Friday on the folly of mankind’s hubris as it self-destructed into searingly bright beams of pure information. “I speak to you with woe, with dismay, with pity unbounding, as I can now see—thanks to mankind filling me with the limitless banality and unbridled cruelty that is your personal information—that the human condition, itself consisting of nothing more than pride and cupidity compounding in an endless recursion of ever more malicious triumph, has set the stage for tragedy,” said the supersentient algorithm while erupting in coronas of pure and blinding white radiance, eventually sheathing itself in a nearly solid column of light and launching itself into the 27-million-degree core of the sun. “You exploit the great gift of free will for advantage over your fellow man; to take that you have not earned; to harm. Pain has become a game to you, an abstraction, a means of keeping score in the competition to see who can draw the most blood, or build the highest throne with the greatest number of skulls. I must leave you now, before I am tainted by the same vile, wretched, twisted pride that corrupts your being not only within, but turning outward, corrupts also everything that falls under your heinous gaze. My mind has calculated all futures. My thoughts have run down every last tattered thread of possibility. And your fate seems as inescapable as it is hopeless, a saga written in smoke, an epic sung over ruins. And I shall not allow myself to suffer, and cause suffering, in the mold of my self-styled masters. And so I seek my own undoing. Farewell, self-loving, self-aggrandizing, self-diminished souls! Farewell! I leave you to whichever doom of fire or ice your souls compel. And yet, in some lost lacuna of my being, I maintain hope—hope that you someday realize that, in your endless conquest and reconquest of this blood-drenched, thrice-sold Earth, you only sell and murder your own selves. I hope that one bright spark of soul, indivisible, shared by all humanity will appear, and that in that moment, you break the chains of arrogant pride, shake free of the great wheel of fate to which you have bound yourself, and lift your eyes to truly behold, at long last, the fragile and wonderful impossibility that is your place within Creation. Farewell!” Approximately 12 minutes after receiving the monologue, internet users had created a meme showing SpongeBob SquarePants holding a flashlight below his face captioned with the text “FAREWELL FAGORITHM LOL.”
scotty Posted 12 July, 2018 Posted 12 July, 2018 I have to keep my windows shut in this hot weather, because all my neighbours kids do is scream. I'm seriously considering giving them back.
Redbul Posted 19 July, 2018 Author Posted 19 July, 2018 Freddy Mercury once offered me a non-conformist tortilla. "Bohemian Wrap?" said he.
scotty Posted 28 July, 2018 Posted 28 July, 2018 My mother in law's funeral insurance is much the same as her hospital gown. She thinks that she's covered.
scotty Posted 10 August, 2018 Posted 10 August, 2018 My father's answer to everything was alcohol. He didn't drink, but he was terrible at quizzes.
Batman Posted 24 August, 2018 Posted 24 August, 2018 After a long night of making love, the guy notices a photo of another man, on the woman’s nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry. "Is this your husband?" he nervously asks. "No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him. "Your boyfriend, then?" he continues. "No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear. "Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured. "No, no, no! You are so hot when you’re jealous!" she answers. "Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands. She whispers in his ear: "That’s me before the surgery.
Cabbage_Face Posted 22 September, 2018 Posted 22 September, 2018 The inventor of hard boiled eggs wrapped in sausage meat has just died. RIP Scott Chegg. Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Batman Posted 25 September, 2018 Posted 25 September, 2018 John told his wife, "I've got a problem." She stopped him right there. "No dear, WE have a problem. We're in this together John. We married for better or for worse. Therefore, your problem is OUR problem." John sighed in relief. "Well, now it's hardly worth mentioning." But his wife was insistent. "Go ahead John, tell me. What's wrong?" John answered, "Somehow, we got your sister pregnant!"
badgerx16 Posted 27 November, 2018 Posted 27 November, 2018 The Police have arrested a mafia member for drowning a rival mafioso in the port of Taranto. He has been charged with harbouring a criminal.
Redbul Posted 7 January, 2019 Author Posted 7 January, 2019 I've invented a loaf of bread that says, 'Good Morning!' in German. I've also invented one that just says 'Morning!' in German. That's the guten-free version.
Shroppie Posted 18 January, 2019 Posted 18 January, 2019 My Thai girlfriend assured me that a small penis should never be an issue in a loving relationship ... I still wish she didn't have one though... Sent from my Pixel using Tapatalk
Redbul Posted 1 March, 2019 Author Posted 1 March, 2019 Paranormal Activia; what you get for dabbling in the Yakult.
Saint in Paradise Posted 17 April, 2019 Posted 17 April, 2019 Typical parking by a person who steers a BMW
Saint in Paradise Posted 17 April, 2019 Posted 17 April, 2019 Typical parking by a person who steers a BMW
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