scotty Posted 9 October, 2017 Share Posted 9 October, 2017 I guess they won't be selling the Korean Fast Food for Vegetarians .... Not Poodles : Very good Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 10 October, 2017 Share Posted 10 October, 2017 Did you know that pigeons die after sex? Well, the one I f*cked did. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FloridaMarlin Posted 11 October, 2017 Share Posted 11 October, 2017 I went to have my leg x-rayed today and the doctor said: "Your patella measures exactly 2.54cm." "Wow," I said: "Inch-high knees." "Ok," he said: "您的髌骨是 2.54 厘米高." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 11 October, 2017 Share Posted 11 October, 2017 I thought my luck had turned when I spotted a pair of magpies. Then I got run over by a woman named Joy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Upwind Posted 12 October, 2017 Share Posted 12 October, 2017 I just ordered a chicken and egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Upwind Posted 12 October, 2017 Share Posted 12 October, 2017 Not to get technical but according to chemistry, alcohol is a solution. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
View From The Top Posted 13 October, 2017 Share Posted 13 October, 2017 A book just fell on my head! I've only got myshelf to blame. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
View From The Top Posted 13 October, 2017 Share Posted 13 October, 2017 Someone has ripped a load of pages from the front and back of my dictionary. It just goes from bad to worse. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Whitey Grandad Posted 13 October, 2017 Share Posted 13 October, 2017 Someone has ripped a load of pages from the front and back of my dictionary. It just goes from bad to worse. I read a medical book the other day. I couldn't find anything, somebody had removed the appendix. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 14 October, 2017 Share Posted 14 October, 2017 I asked the librarian if they had any books about suicide. He said "we did, but they never get returned." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Saint in Paradise Posted 15 October, 2017 Share Posted 15 October, 2017 [video=youtube;TXfltmzRG-g] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 15 October, 2017 Share Posted 15 October, 2017 What do you call a joke without a punchline? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 24 October, 2017 Share Posted 24 October, 2017 The Liverpool manager has resigned, and is taking his family home to Germany. Yes, the Klopps go back this weekend. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 3 November, 2017 Share Posted 3 November, 2017 Three conspiracy theorists walk in to a bar. You can't tell me that's a coincidence. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 9 November, 2017 Share Posted 9 November, 2017 Those criticising Fraser Forster should give him credit for the number of clean sheets he's kept. With his confidence this low it can't be easy not to p*ss the bed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Redbul Posted 15 November, 2017 Author Share Posted 15 November, 2017 Just walking down the road and somebody hit me with a jar of mayonnaise!! Bloody Hellman! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Upwind Posted 23 November, 2017 Share Posted 23 November, 2017 My Uncle died last year when my family couldn't remember his blood type in time for the Paramedics to give him a blood transfusion. Right til the end he kept insisting "be positive", but it's hard to with him not around. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 23 November, 2017 Share Posted 23 November, 2017 David Cassidy of the Partridge family has passed away. "Aha!" said his brother Alan on Radio Norfolk. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
John Boy Saint Posted 1 December, 2017 Share Posted 1 December, 2017 Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive, triple-pane, energy-efficient kind. Today, I got a call from Home Depot who installed them. The caller complained that the work had been completed a year ago and I still hadn't paid for them. Helloooo,............ just because I'm a Senior Citizen doesn't mean that I am automatically mentally challenged. So, I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy told me last year --that these windows would pay for themselves in a year — Hellooooo? It's been a year, so they're paid for, I told him. There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Upwind Posted 8 December, 2017 Share Posted 8 December, 2017 I went to an international yodellers convention meeting yesterday... The bloke in charge asked us to form an orderly orderly orderly queue hoo hoo. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Upwind Posted 8 December, 2017 Share Posted 8 December, 2017 I did a joke about anal bleaching last night... ... Dyed on my arse. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Upwind Posted 8 December, 2017 Share Posted 8 December, 2017 I was talking to a girl in a pub the other night and I said “You remind me of my little toe!” She said “Is that because I’m small and cute?” I replied “No, it’s because I’ll probably end up banging you on the coffee table when I get home” Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 9 December, 2017 Share Posted 9 December, 2017 I've quit my job at the helium factory. I won't be spoken to in that tone of voice. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 9 December, 2017 Share Posted 9 December, 2017 "It's all my fault," admitted the gardener. "I've ruined the hedge, the lawn is a mess and I think I've killed your prize roses." I never should have hired Culpability Brown. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OldNick Posted 10 December, 2017 Share Posted 10 December, 2017 I was talking to a girl in a pub the other night and I said “You remind me of my little toe!” She said “Is that because I’m small and cute?” I replied “No, it’s because I’ll probably end up banging you on the coffee table when I get home”lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 26 December, 2017 Share Posted 26 December, 2017 Put "Anal" in front of them, and Ford car names sound like the top shelf in WH Smith. Probe, Ranger, Explorer, Escort, Fiesta, Galaxy and Cougar. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bananaman Posted 28 December, 2017 Share Posted 28 December, 2017 Why was Pavlov's hair so soft? Classical Conditioning. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OldNick Posted 28 December, 2017 Share Posted 28 December, 2017 Put "Anal" in front of them, and Ford car names sound like the top shelf in WH Smith. Probe, Ranger, Explorer, Escort, Fiesta, Galaxy and Cougar.there is the Flex as well Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 3 January, 2018 Share Posted 3 January, 2018 I met a transvestite from the Greater Manchester area in the pub last night. He had a Wigan address. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shroppie Posted 5 January, 2018 Share Posted 5 January, 2018 What did the psychiatrist say to the man wearing nothing but clingfilm underpants? I can see you're nuts. Sent from my Pixel using Tapatalk Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shroppie Posted 7 January, 2018 Share Posted 7 January, 2018 Went to the zoo yesterday. The only animal they had was a dog. It's a sh!tzu. Sent from my Pixel using Tapatalk Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OldNick Posted 7 January, 2018 Share Posted 7 January, 2018 Went to the zoo yesterday. The only animal they had was a dog. It's a sh!tzu. Sent from my Pixel using Tapatalkboom boom lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 7 January, 2018 Share Posted 7 January, 2018 Zoo jokes, eh? :D John Terry took his family on an outing to the zoo. He pointed through the glass and said "look at the funny monkey, kids! Ooh ooh!! Aah aah!!" Then he pulled out his wallet and said "sorry mate, two adults and two children please." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 11 January, 2018 Share Posted 11 January, 2018 My dad always used to say "take it with a pinch of salt." Lovely man. Made horrible tea. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 29 January, 2018 Share Posted 29 January, 2018 I saw a guy with a cape running down the High Street, and shouted "are you a superhero?" He said "no, I haven't paid for my haircut." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 1 February, 2018 Share Posted 1 February, 2018 I can still remember every single detail of the first blowjob my wife ever gave me. That's how good my imagination is. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Redbul Posted 2 February, 2018 Author Share Posted 2 February, 2018 During my last check up I asked the doctor "So, do you think I'll have a long and healthy life then?" He replied "I doubt it somehow, Mercury is in Uranus right now." I said "I don't believe in all this astrology nonsense!" "Neither do I ," he said, "My thermometer just broke." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 13 February, 2018 Share Posted 13 February, 2018 I've applied for a Diners Club card. I'd tell you about it, but they have a very strict rule. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 14 February, 2018 Share Posted 14 February, 2018 There's no pleasing some women. I gave my wife 250 flowers for Valentines Day and she still complained. So what if they spell out "Grandad"? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OldNick Posted 17 February, 2018 Share Posted 17 February, 2018 There's no pleasing some women. I gave my wife 250 flowers for Valentines Day and she still complained. So what if they spell out "Grandad"?keep them coming Scotty Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OldNick Posted 17 February, 2018 Share Posted 17 February, 2018 I went to an international yodellers convention meeting yesterday... The bloke in charge asked us to form an orderly orderly orderly queue hoo hoo.7/10 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Saint in Paradise Posted 18 February, 2018 Share Posted 18 February, 2018 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aj4CTiS0peA Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OldNick Posted 18 February, 2018 Share Posted 18 February, 2018 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aj4CTiS0peA9/10 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 19 February, 2018 Share Posted 19 February, 2018 I got fired today from my job as a clown. The boss said my balloon animal making skills weren't up to scratch. Well f*ck him, the kids loved their eels. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 22 February, 2018 Share Posted 22 February, 2018 I just ordered a chicken and egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know. update.... the egg won. Thanks to DHL. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 23 February, 2018 Share Posted 23 February, 2018 KFC have ordered a shipment of eggs via Parcelforce. Now we wait. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 23 February, 2018 Share Posted 23 February, 2018 We saw a homeless girl on the high street with a sign saying "Destitute. Please help." My mate walked towards her, taking his wallet out. I thought "that's nice," until he asked her for a blowjob and I remembered he's dyslexic. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OldNick Posted 24 February, 2018 Share Posted 24 February, 2018 We saw a homeless girl on the high street with a sign saying "Destitute. Please help." My mate walked towards her, taking his wallet out. I thought "that's nice," until he asked her for a blowjob and I remembered he's dyslexic.7/10, could see that coming....boom boom Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 26 February, 2018 Share Posted 26 February, 2018 This cold weather is only going to get worse. It's already dropped three degrees, and now we're in the middle of a chain reaction. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 2 March, 2018 Share Posted 2 March, 2018 My girlfriend snuggled up to me in bed and whispered "I love you, because I know I can always trust you." "That's sweet," I thought. "Why can't my wife say things like that?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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