scotty Posted 9 October, 2017 Posted 9 October, 2017 I guess they won't be selling the Korean Fast Food for Vegetarians .... Not Poodles : Very good
scotty Posted 10 October, 2017 Posted 10 October, 2017 Did you know that pigeons die after sex? Well, the one I f*cked did.
FloridaMarlin Posted 11 October, 2017 Posted 11 October, 2017 I went to have my leg x-rayed today and the doctor said: "Your patella measures exactly 2.54cm." "Wow," I said: "Inch-high knees." "Ok," he said: "您的髌骨是 2.54 厘米高."
scotty Posted 11 October, 2017 Posted 11 October, 2017 I thought my luck had turned when I spotted a pair of magpies. Then I got run over by a woman named Joy.
Upwind Posted 12 October, 2017 Posted 12 October, 2017 I just ordered a chicken and egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know.
Upwind Posted 12 October, 2017 Posted 12 October, 2017 Not to get technical but according to chemistry, alcohol is a solution.
View From The Top Posted 13 October, 2017 Posted 13 October, 2017 A book just fell on my head! I've only got myshelf to blame.
View From The Top Posted 13 October, 2017 Posted 13 October, 2017 Someone has ripped a load of pages from the front and back of my dictionary. It just goes from bad to worse.
Whitey Grandad Posted 13 October, 2017 Posted 13 October, 2017 Someone has ripped a load of pages from the front and back of my dictionary. It just goes from bad to worse. I read a medical book the other day. I couldn't find anything, somebody had removed the appendix.
scotty Posted 14 October, 2017 Posted 14 October, 2017 I asked the librarian if they had any books about suicide. He said "we did, but they never get returned."
scotty Posted 24 October, 2017 Posted 24 October, 2017 The Liverpool manager has resigned, and is taking his family home to Germany. Yes, the Klopps go back this weekend.
scotty Posted 3 November, 2017 Posted 3 November, 2017 Three conspiracy theorists walk in to a bar. You can't tell me that's a coincidence.
scotty Posted 9 November, 2017 Posted 9 November, 2017 Those criticising Fraser Forster should give him credit for the number of clean sheets he's kept. With his confidence this low it can't be easy not to p*ss the bed.
Redbul Posted 15 November, 2017 Author Posted 15 November, 2017 Just walking down the road and somebody hit me with a jar of mayonnaise!! Bloody Hellman!
Upwind Posted 23 November, 2017 Posted 23 November, 2017 My Uncle died last year when my family couldn't remember his blood type in time for the Paramedics to give him a blood transfusion. Right til the end he kept insisting "be positive", but it's hard to with him not around.
scotty Posted 23 November, 2017 Posted 23 November, 2017 David Cassidy of the Partridge family has passed away. "Aha!" said his brother Alan on Radio Norfolk.
John Boy Saint Posted 1 December, 2017 Posted 1 December, 2017 Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive, triple-pane, energy-efficient kind. Today, I got a call from Home Depot who installed them. The caller complained that the work had been completed a year ago and I still hadn't paid for them. Helloooo,............ just because I'm a Senior Citizen doesn't mean that I am automatically mentally challenged. So, I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy told me last year --that these windows would pay for themselves in a year — Hellooooo? It's been a year, so they're paid for, I told him. There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.
Upwind Posted 8 December, 2017 Posted 8 December, 2017 I went to an international yodellers convention meeting yesterday... The bloke in charge asked us to form an orderly orderly orderly queue hoo hoo.
Upwind Posted 8 December, 2017 Posted 8 December, 2017 I did a joke about anal bleaching last night... ... Dyed on my arse.
Upwind Posted 8 December, 2017 Posted 8 December, 2017 I was talking to a girl in a pub the other night and I said “You remind me of my little toe!” She said “Is that because I’m small and cute?” I replied “No, it’s because I’ll probably end up banging you on the coffee table when I get home”
scotty Posted 9 December, 2017 Posted 9 December, 2017 I've quit my job at the helium factory. I won't be spoken to in that tone of voice.
scotty Posted 9 December, 2017 Posted 9 December, 2017 "It's all my fault," admitted the gardener. "I've ruined the hedge, the lawn is a mess and I think I've killed your prize roses." I never should have hired Culpability Brown.
OldNick Posted 10 December, 2017 Posted 10 December, 2017 I was talking to a girl in a pub the other night and I said “You remind me of my little toe!” She said “Is that because I’m small and cute?” I replied “No, it’s because I’ll probably end up banging you on the coffee table when I get home”lol
scotty Posted 26 December, 2017 Posted 26 December, 2017 Put "Anal" in front of them, and Ford car names sound like the top shelf in WH Smith. Probe, Ranger, Explorer, Escort, Fiesta, Galaxy and Cougar.
Bananaman Posted 28 December, 2017 Posted 28 December, 2017 Why was Pavlov's hair so soft? Classical Conditioning.
OldNick Posted 28 December, 2017 Posted 28 December, 2017 Put "Anal" in front of them, and Ford car names sound like the top shelf in WH Smith. Probe, Ranger, Explorer, Escort, Fiesta, Galaxy and Cougar.there is the Flex as well
scotty Posted 3 January, 2018 Posted 3 January, 2018 I met a transvestite from the Greater Manchester area in the pub last night. He had a Wigan address.
Shroppie Posted 5 January, 2018 Posted 5 January, 2018 What did the psychiatrist say to the man wearing nothing but clingfilm underpants? I can see you're nuts. Sent from my Pixel using Tapatalk
Shroppie Posted 7 January, 2018 Posted 7 January, 2018 Went to the zoo yesterday. The only animal they had was a dog. It's a sh!tzu. Sent from my Pixel using Tapatalk
OldNick Posted 7 January, 2018 Posted 7 January, 2018 Went to the zoo yesterday. The only animal they had was a dog. It's a sh!tzu. Sent from my Pixel using Tapatalkboom boom lol
scotty Posted 7 January, 2018 Posted 7 January, 2018 Zoo jokes, eh? :D John Terry took his family on an outing to the zoo. He pointed through the glass and said "look at the funny monkey, kids! Ooh ooh!! Aah aah!!" Then he pulled out his wallet and said "sorry mate, two adults and two children please."
scotty Posted 11 January, 2018 Posted 11 January, 2018 My dad always used to say "take it with a pinch of salt." Lovely man. Made horrible tea.
scotty Posted 29 January, 2018 Posted 29 January, 2018 I saw a guy with a cape running down the High Street, and shouted "are you a superhero?" He said "no, I haven't paid for my haircut."
scotty Posted 1 February, 2018 Posted 1 February, 2018 I can still remember every single detail of the first blowjob my wife ever gave me. That's how good my imagination is.
Redbul Posted 2 February, 2018 Author Posted 2 February, 2018 During my last check up I asked the doctor "So, do you think I'll have a long and healthy life then?" He replied "I doubt it somehow, Mercury is in Uranus right now." I said "I don't believe in all this astrology nonsense!" "Neither do I ," he said, "My thermometer just broke."
scotty Posted 13 February, 2018 Posted 13 February, 2018 I've applied for a Diners Club card. I'd tell you about it, but they have a very strict rule.
scotty Posted 14 February, 2018 Posted 14 February, 2018 There's no pleasing some women. I gave my wife 250 flowers for Valentines Day and she still complained. So what if they spell out "Grandad"?
OldNick Posted 17 February, 2018 Posted 17 February, 2018 There's no pleasing some women. I gave my wife 250 flowers for Valentines Day and she still complained. So what if they spell out "Grandad"?keep them coming Scotty
OldNick Posted 17 February, 2018 Posted 17 February, 2018 I went to an international yodellers convention meeting yesterday... The bloke in charge asked us to form an orderly orderly orderly queue hoo hoo.7/10
Saint in Paradise Posted 18 February, 2018 Posted 18 February, 2018 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aj4CTiS0peA
OldNick Posted 18 February, 2018 Posted 18 February, 2018 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aj4CTiS0peA9/10
scotty Posted 19 February, 2018 Posted 19 February, 2018 I got fired today from my job as a clown. The boss said my balloon animal making skills weren't up to scratch. Well f*ck him, the kids loved their eels.
scotty Posted 22 February, 2018 Posted 22 February, 2018 I just ordered a chicken and egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know. update.... the egg won. Thanks to DHL.
scotty Posted 23 February, 2018 Posted 23 February, 2018 KFC have ordered a shipment of eggs via Parcelforce. Now we wait.
scotty Posted 23 February, 2018 Posted 23 February, 2018 We saw a homeless girl on the high street with a sign saying "Destitute. Please help." My mate walked towards her, taking his wallet out. I thought "that's nice," until he asked her for a blowjob and I remembered he's dyslexic.
OldNick Posted 24 February, 2018 Posted 24 February, 2018 We saw a homeless girl on the high street with a sign saying "Destitute. Please help." My mate walked towards her, taking his wallet out. I thought "that's nice," until he asked her for a blowjob and I remembered he's dyslexic.7/10, could see that coming....boom boom
scotty Posted 26 February, 2018 Posted 26 February, 2018 This cold weather is only going to get worse. It's already dropped three degrees, and now we're in the middle of a chain reaction.
scotty Posted 2 March, 2018 Posted 2 March, 2018 My girlfriend snuggled up to me in bed and whispered "I love you, because I know I can always trust you." "That's sweet," I thought. "Why can't my wife say things like that?"
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