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TSM Crap Joke Suppository....

Redbul

By Redbul
in The Muppet Show

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OldNick

OldNick

Posted
Posted
I went into sports direct on Tuesday and asks for some condoms and KY jelly.

 

"We are a sports shop." said the assistant.

 

On Wednesday I asked for a dual action 12 inch black dildo, on Thursday some anal beads and a gimp mask, on Friday it was love eggs and a whip. Always with the same reply.

 

Saturday as I walked in the assistant took me to one side and said "mate you keep coming in and it's getting embarrassing. You know we are a sports shop, what the f*ck do you really want?"

 

I summoned up all my courage, took a deep breath and said "can I have a Liverpool home shirt please."

Pompey shirt surely???
Upwind

Upwind

Posted
Posted

A mate of mine has just been sacked from his job working on the dodgem cars.

 

He is going to take his former employer to a tribunal............... for funfair dismissal.

scotty

scotty

Posted
Posted

My wife opened her birthday card and found the ticket. "The Pamplona bull run!!" she beamed. "Do I need any special gear?"

 

"All sorted" I replied, handing her the nose ring.

scotty

scotty

Posted
Posted

"Don't get upset," said the doctor. "Premature ejaculation can be distressing, but it's easily treated nowadays."

 

"I'm not upset," I replied, "but I still need that tissue."

scotty

scotty

Posted
Posted

The group 10cc was named after the amount of semen in an average male ejaculation.

 

Their tribute band don't play anything, they just w@nk over pictures of them and post it on porn sites.

Upwind

Upwind

Posted
Posted

I got into an argument with a dwarf today after I accidentally walked into him.

 

He was shouting at me, saying, 'You ****ing tosser, watch where you're going' etc.

 

I was going to say something back, but decided to be the bigger man...

Upwind

Upwind

Posted
Posted

The other day I took my granddad to one of those spa places where a tank full of little fish eat all your dead skin.

 

Cost me nearly £50, but it was still cheaper than a funeral.............

Batman

Batman

Posted
Posted

Jack decided to go skiing with his mate, Bob.

They loaded up in Jack's minivan and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard.

They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize its terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from a solicitor.

It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the solicitor of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from....."

'Yes, I do."

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

'Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned red and he said, 'Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything."

OldNick

OldNick

Posted
Posted
The other day I took my granddad to one of those spa places where a tank full of little fish eat all your dead skin.

 

Cost me nearly £50, but it was still cheaper than a funeral.............

lol
Batman

Batman

Posted
Posted

After landing my new job as a Asda greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day. Here’s what happened:

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, decidedly unattractive, chavy woman walked into the store along with her two kids, shouting and swearing at them all the way through the entrance.

As I had been instructed, I said, pleasantly, "Good morning and welcome to Asda."

I then said, "Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

The ugly chav woman stopped swearing long enough to say, "Don't be ****ing stupid. Of course they aren't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one' s 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"

I replied, "I'm neither blind nor stupid, Madam. I just couldn't believe someone ****ed you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Asda."

My Supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.

Saint in Paradise

Saint in Paradise

Posted
Posted

I went to the doctor's the other day at my wife's request and found

out my new family doctor is a young female & drop-dead gorgeous.

 

I was embarrassed but she said,

 

"Don't worry, I'm a professional -I've seen it all before.

Just tell me what's wrong and I'll check it out."

 

I said, "My wife thinks my penis tastes like strawberries."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

( Yeah rite, I wish :( )

ZepSaint

ZepSaint

Posted
Posted

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train.

His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.

"That little ****, O'Conner," says Sean,

"He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."

"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself,

"Didn't you have something in your hand?"

"That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Connor's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a ******* fight."

scotty

scotty

Posted
Posted

My fiancee and I were looking at wedding rings. "Three grand??" I gasped. "Is there nothing cheaper?"

 

"It's the very highest quality Sir," said the jeweller. "This ring will last for your lifetime together."

 

"Exactly," I replied. "It's only got to last her til Christmas."

Gingeletiss

Gingeletiss

Posted
Posted

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.

He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?'

The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir? We have:

Work Out Barbie for $19.95,

Shopping Barbie for $19.95,

Beach Barbie for $19.95,

Disco Barbie for $19.95,

Ballerina Barbie for $19..95,

Astronaut Barbie for $19.95,

Skater Barbie for $19.95, and

Divorced Barbie for $265.95'.

 

The amazed father asks: 'It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?'

 

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's balls.

Lighthouse

Lighthouse

Posted
Posted

A man goes to a doctor and says, "I've got a bit of an embarrassing problem, you see my penis has turned bright orange."

"That is unusual," says the doctor, "you don't by chance work in a tanning salon?"

"No," replies the man

"Do you work with any hazardous chemicals, biohazard, radioactive material..."

The man replies, "no," to all of these.

Struggling for an explanation the doctor asks, "so what do you do for a living?"

"Nothing," says the man, "I just sit at home watching porn and eating Wotsits."

Upwind

Upwind

Posted
Posted

I was under the impression that work on Big Ben was going to take about four years to complete but according to tonight's news it will be finished next week. The builders have been working around the clock.

Upwind

Upwind

Posted
Posted

Went to the sperm clinic earlier.

 

The lady asked if I'd like to masturbate in the cup?

 

I said...... "I'm good but not ready for competitions yet".....

Upwind

Upwind

Posted
Posted

I went to Doctors the other day and explained that I keep seeing Mickey Mouse, Donald Duck, Minnie Mouse, Daisy Duck & Pluto.

 

He said he thinks I'm having Disney spells.

Upwind

Upwind

Posted
Posted

Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my a**e!

 

Do you think I should change dentists?......

Marsdinho

Marsdinho

Posted
Posted
I went to the doctor's the other day at my wife's request and found

out my new family doctor is a young female & drop-dead gorgeous.

 

I was embarrassed but she said,

 

"Don't worry, I'm a professional -I've seen it all before.

Just tell me what's wrong and I'll check it out."

 

I said, "My wife thinks my penis tastes like strawberries."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

( Yeah rite, I wish :( )

 

Already been told....on page one.

scotty

scotty

Posted
Posted

"......give it to me, give it to me...oh God I'm so f*cking wet, give it to me right now!!!"

 

 

She can scream all she wants, but she's not getting the umbrella.

OldNick

OldNick

Posted
Posted
My wife says I'm too cynical and she's going to leave me.

 

Yes, of course she is.

nice one I'm nicking that one.....like I have a lot more you have put up on here lol
scotty

scotty

Posted
Posted

Chatting up this girl, and she asked what I did. "I tune pianos," I replied. "Oh, I'd have thought you'd be blind," she smiled.

 

"What, because I'm a piano tuner?" I laughed.

 

"No," she said, "because you're a w*nker".

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