OldNick Posted 3 August, 2017 Share Posted 3 August, 2017 I went into sports direct on Tuesday and asks for some condoms and KY jelly. "We are a sports shop." said the assistant. On Wednesday I asked for a dual action 12 inch black dildo, on Thursday some anal beads and a gimp mask, on Friday it was love eggs and a whip. Always with the same reply. Saturday as I walked in the assistant took me to one side and said "mate you keep coming in and it's getting embarrassing. You know we are a sports shop, what the f*ck do you really want?" I summoned up all my courage, took a deep breath and said "can I have a Liverpool home shirt please."Pompey shirt surely??? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Upwind Posted 3 August, 2017 Share Posted 3 August, 2017 A mate of mine has just been sacked from his job working on the dodgem cars. He is going to take his former employer to a tribunal............... for funfair dismissal. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 3 August, 2017 Share Posted 3 August, 2017 Pompey shirt surely??? The scousers are running neck and neck with the blue few at the moment Nick, imho of course. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 4 August, 2017 Share Posted 4 August, 2017 Dubai's Torch Tower has gone up in flames. It's thought to be the first ever building fire to have been self-inflicted. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Upwind Posted 4 August, 2017 Share Posted 4 August, 2017 Apparently there's a new sex position called parcel force. ........you stay in all day and no-one comes Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 7 August, 2017 Share Posted 7 August, 2017 My wife opened her birthday card and found the ticket. "The Pamplona bull run!!" she beamed. "Do I need any special gear?" "All sorted" I replied, handing her the nose ring. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Upwind Posted 7 August, 2017 Share Posted 7 August, 2017 I've just finished reading a book called Constructive Criticism.............. Don't bother reading it, its crap. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 9 August, 2017 Share Posted 9 August, 2017 "Don't get upset," said the doctor. "Premature ejaculation can be distressing, but it's easily treated nowadays." "I'm not upset," I replied, "but I still need that tissue." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 10 August, 2017 Share Posted 10 August, 2017 "That's it then," I sniffled. "No more Glen Campbell." "I'm afraid so," said the barman. "Not until you settle this tab." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 11 August, 2017 Share Posted 11 August, 2017 The group 10cc was named after the amount of semen in an average male ejaculation. Their tribute band don't play anything, they just w@nk over pictures of them and post it on porn sites. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 14 August, 2017 Share Posted 14 August, 2017 "Secret Site Agent", eh? http://www.sickipedia.net/joke/ua7o5wqkuafo5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 15 August, 2017 Share Posted 15 August, 2017 When the prostitute asked my scouse mate if he wanted a blowjob, he replied "will it affect my benefits?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Upwind Posted 16 August, 2017 Share Posted 16 August, 2017 An Islamophobe, a white supremacist and a sexual predator walk into a bar. The barman says "What'll it be, Mr. Trump?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Upwind Posted 16 August, 2017 Share Posted 16 August, 2017 I got into an argument with a dwarf today after I accidentally walked into him. He was shouting at me, saying, 'You ****ing tosser, watch where you're going' etc. I was going to say something back, but decided to be the bigger man... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Upwind Posted 16 August, 2017 Share Posted 16 August, 2017 The other day I took my granddad to one of those spa places where a tank full of little fish eat all your dead skin. Cost me nearly £50, but it was still cheaper than a funeral............. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batman Posted 18 August, 2017 Share Posted 18 August, 2017 Jack decided to go skiing with his mate, Bob. They loaded up in Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night. "I realize its terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house." "Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing. About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from a solicitor. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the solicitor of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend. He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from....." 'Yes, I do." "Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?" 'Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did." "And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?" Bob's face turned red and he said, 'Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?" "She just died and left me everything." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OldNick Posted 19 August, 2017 Share Posted 19 August, 2017 The other day I took my granddad to one of those spa places where a tank full of little fish eat all your dead skin. Cost me nearly £50, but it was still cheaper than a funeral.............lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Upwind Posted 22 August, 2017 Share Posted 22 August, 2017 As a vegan I hate all people who sell meat, but people who sell fruit and veg are grocer. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batman Posted 22 August, 2017 Share Posted 22 August, 2017 After landing my new job as a Asda greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day. Here’s what happened: About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, decidedly unattractive, chavy woman walked into the store along with her two kids, shouting and swearing at them all the way through the entrance. As I had been instructed, I said, pleasantly, "Good morning and welcome to Asda." I then said, "Nice children you have there. Are they twins?" The ugly chav woman stopped swearing long enough to say, "Don't be ****ing stupid. Of course they aren't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one' s 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?" I replied, "I'm neither blind nor stupid, Madam. I just couldn't believe someone ****ed you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Asda." My Supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Saint in Paradise Posted 25 August, 2017 Share Posted 25 August, 2017 I went to the doctor's the other day at my wife's request and found out my new family doctor is a young female & drop-dead gorgeous. I was embarrassed but she said, "Don't worry, I'm a professional -I've seen it all before. Just tell me what's wrong and I'll check it out." I said, "My wife thinks my penis tastes like strawberries." ( Yeah rite, I wish ) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 25 August, 2017 Share Posted 25 August, 2017 When it comes to treating people who self-harm, I'm right there at the cutting edge. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 30 August, 2017 Share Posted 30 August, 2017 "What first attracted you to me?" smiled my wife. I said "probably your gravitational pull." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ZepSaint Posted 30 August, 2017 Share Posted 30 August, 2017 Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp. "What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender. "Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy. "That little ****, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand." "That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it." "Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, "Didn't you have something in your hand?" "That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Connor's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a ******* fight." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 3 September, 2017 Share Posted 3 September, 2017 My fiancee and I were looking at wedding rings. "Three grand??" I gasped. "Is there nothing cheaper?" "It's the very highest quality Sir," said the jeweller. "This ring will last for your lifetime together." "Exactly," I replied. "It's only got to last her til Christmas." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gingeletiss Posted 4 September, 2017 Share Posted 4 September, 2017 One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?' The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19..95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95'. The amazed father asks: 'It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?' The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's balls. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lighthouse Posted 5 September, 2017 Share Posted 5 September, 2017 A man goes to a doctor and says, "I've got a bit of an embarrassing problem, you see my penis has turned bright orange." "That is unusual," says the doctor, "you don't by chance work in a tanning salon?" "No," replies the man "Do you work with any hazardous chemicals, biohazard, radioactive material..." The man replies, "no," to all of these. Struggling for an explanation the doctor asks, "so what do you do for a living?" "Nothing," says the man, "I just sit at home watching porn and eating Wotsits." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Upwind Posted 5 September, 2017 Share Posted 5 September, 2017 I was under the impression that work on Big Ben was going to take about four years to complete but according to tonight's news it will be finished next week. The builders have been working around the clock. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Upwind Posted 6 September, 2017 Share Posted 6 September, 2017 Went to the sperm clinic earlier. The lady asked if I'd like to masturbate in the cup? I said...... "I'm good but not ready for competitions yet"..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Upwind Posted 6 September, 2017 Share Posted 6 September, 2017 I went to Doctors the other day and explained that I keep seeing Mickey Mouse, Donald Duck, Minnie Mouse, Daisy Duck & Pluto. He said he thinks I'm having Disney spells. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 12 September, 2017 Share Posted 12 September, 2017 73 blokes were sitting around in paradise looking at each other. Finally, one clears his throat and says "well, this is embarrassing." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Upwind Posted 13 September, 2017 Share Posted 13 September, 2017 Bought my wife a fridge for her birthday. You should have seen her face light up when she opened it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Upwind Posted 13 September, 2017 Share Posted 13 September, 2017 Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my a**e! Do you think I should change dentists?...... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 13 September, 2017 Share Posted 13 September, 2017 I phoned the Child Abuse Hotline today. A kid answered, called me a c*nt and told me to f*ck off. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Upwind Posted 18 September, 2017 Share Posted 18 September, 2017 We used to call my Granddad spider - it wasn't because he had spindly legs He just couldn't get out of the bath. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Upwind Posted 18 September, 2017 Share Posted 18 September, 2017 My doctor's just told me they've found a cure for dyslexia. It was music to my arse... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 18 September, 2017 Share Posted 18 September, 2017 My doctor's just told me they've found a cure for dyslexia. It was music to my arse... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Upwind Posted 21 September, 2017 Share Posted 21 September, 2017 Bruiser from next door collared me last night..... said I'd been pinching washing off of his line. I nearly **** his pants. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Saint in Paradise Posted 21 September, 2017 Share Posted 21 September, 2017 Teaching English to people originally from non English speaking countries. WARNING: This short video might lead to confusion amongst some posters. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 22 September, 2017 Share Posted 22 September, 2017 My ginger girlfriend just got a Brazilian. Great. Now it looks like a fish finger as well as smelling like one. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Upwind Posted 25 September, 2017 Share Posted 25 September, 2017 My mum's so pessimistic that if there was an Olympics for pessimism…......... she wouldn't fancy her chances.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marsdinho Posted 26 September, 2017 Share Posted 26 September, 2017 I went to the doctor's the other day at my wife's request and found out my new family doctor is a young female & drop-dead gorgeous. I was embarrassed but she said, "Don't worry, I'm a professional -I've seen it all before. Just tell me what's wrong and I'll check it out." I said, "My wife thinks my penis tastes like strawberries." ( Yeah rite, I wish ) Already been told....on page one. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 27 September, 2017 Share Posted 27 September, 2017 My wife says I'm too cynical and she's going to leave me. Yes, of course she is. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 27 September, 2017 Share Posted 27 September, 2017 "......give it to me, give it to me...oh God I'm so f*cking wet, give it to me right now!!!" She can scream all she wants, but she's not getting the umbrella. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 28 September, 2017 Share Posted 28 September, 2017 As a mark of respect at Hugh Hefners funeral, the pages of the service book will be stuck together. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OldNick Posted 30 September, 2017 Share Posted 30 September, 2017 My wife says I'm too cynical and she's going to leave me. Yes, of course she is.nice one I'm nicking that one.....like I have a lot more you have put up on here lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 3 October, 2017 Share Posted 3 October, 2017 Chatting up this girl, and she asked what I did. "I tune pianos," I replied. "Oh, I'd have thought you'd be blind," she smiled. "What, because I'm a piano tuner?" I laughed. "No," she said, "because you're a w*nker". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 8 October, 2017 Share Posted 8 October, 2017 I saw a new cut-price Korean butchers shop today. Houndland. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Upwind Posted 9 October, 2017 Share Posted 9 October, 2017 My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Upwind Posted 9 October, 2017 Share Posted 9 October, 2017 My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ericofarabia Posted 9 October, 2017 Share Posted 9 October, 2017 I saw a new cut-price Korean butchers shop today. Houndland. I guess they won't be selling the Korean Fast Food for Vegetarians .... Not Poodles : Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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