scotty Posted 12 May, 2017 Share Posted 12 May, 2017 I was laying back relaxing when my wife walked in. "Why haven't you taken off your clothes and shoes?" she asked. "Because I didn't feel like it," I replied. "How much have you had to drink?" she frowned. "What's with all the f*cking questions?" I said. "Can't you see I'm having a bath?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 13 May, 2017 Share Posted 13 May, 2017 My girlfriend looked up from her paper. "It says here that we should pee in the shower to save water," she said. "You don't do that, do you?" "Yes, sometimes," I admitted. "Yuck, that's disgusting!!" she replied. "Hey!" I protested. "These things happen when you're having a sh*t." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 14 May, 2017 Share Posted 14 May, 2017 I used to think my parents were worried when they watched me crossing the road. But then I found out about the bet. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Upwind Posted 15 May, 2017 Share Posted 15 May, 2017 What have a priest & a pint of guinness got in common? A black coat, white collar & you've got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Upwind Posted 15 May, 2017 Share Posted 15 May, 2017 There's a prehistoric reason why men love breasts. It's cos prehistoric men loved breasts.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Upwind Posted 16 May, 2017 Share Posted 16 May, 2017 Son: Dad, why did you and Mum name my little sister Teresa? Dad: Because we decided that our childrens names should reflect the things we love, and your Mum absolutely loves Easter - and Teresa, is an anagram of Easter! Son: Oh - that makes sense. Thanks Dad. Dad: No problem Alan Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Upwind Posted 16 May, 2017 Share Posted 16 May, 2017 A bloke says to his mate "I'm moving to Switzerland..." The mate asks "Why!? What's so good about Switzerland !?" He replies "Well, the flag is a big plus." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 20 May, 2017 Share Posted 20 May, 2017 I just tried to remember La Macarena, and ended up telling some deaf guy I fancied his wife. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 20 May, 2017 Share Posted 20 May, 2017 "I can't believe that you sh*gged my sister last night!!" screamed my girlfriend. "What the hell were you thinking?" I said "babe, you are so much sexier than your sister." "Honestly?" she smiled. "Yes," I said. "That's what I was thinking." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 27 May, 2017 Share Posted 27 May, 2017 God, how embarrassing. My mother just caught me masturbating. Hell of a time for her to come out of a three year coma. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 29 May, 2017 Share Posted 29 May, 2017 Some blokes reckon that using a moisturiser after shaving is a bit gay. I don't, I just think it makes my legs lovely and soft. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 3 June, 2017 Share Posted 3 June, 2017 Danny La Rue has passed away. That's bad news however you dress it up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 6 June, 2017 Share Posted 6 June, 2017 (edited) I remember getting a beating from the PE teacher in the school showers. Luckily I managed to climb out of the window and get to my car before he killed me. Edited 6 June, 2017 by scotty Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 8 June, 2017 Share Posted 8 June, 2017 I'm getting my own back on the wife this Saturday. I plan to take her to eleven different pubs in town, then go back to the very first one we visited. And that's when I'll buy my pint. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 9 June, 2017 Share Posted 9 June, 2017 Just seen the exact same thing in the 99p shop that I'd already bought in Poundland. Gutted. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Upwind Posted 13 June, 2017 Share Posted 13 June, 2017 It's true that alcohol kills......... but look how many are born because of it Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 13 June, 2017 Share Posted 13 June, 2017 "Was I breast fed?" I asked. "You sure were," replied my mother. "Did it hurt?" I asked. "No idea," she said. "Ask your nan." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Upwind Posted 14 June, 2017 Share Posted 14 June, 2017 A man walks into a bar and sits next to an attractive woman, He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" "No", he replies, "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it." The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?" The man explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically." The lady says, "What's it telling you now?" "Well, it says you're not wearing any panties." The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!" The man smiles, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 15 June, 2017 Share Posted 15 June, 2017 I've developed this terrible craving for sugar since moving to Hackney. I think I might be Di Abbotic. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 21 June, 2017 Share Posted 21 June, 2017 When my mother was giving birth, the midwife had to use forceps to pull my head out of her fanny. That's how eager I was to see my kid sister. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Saint in Paradise Posted 22 June, 2017 Share Posted 22 June, 2017 A lawyer, who had a wife and 12 children, needed to move because his rental agreement was terminated by the owner who wanted to reoccupy the home. But he was having a lot of difficulty finding a new house. When he said he had 12 children, no one would rent a home to him because they felt the children would destroy the place. He couldn't say he had no children, because he couldn't lie—and we all know lawyers cannot lie. So, he sent his wife for a walk to the cemetery with 11 of their kids. He took the remaining one with him to see rental homes with the real estate*agent. He loved one of the homes and the price was right—and the agent asked: "How many children do you have? He answered: "Twelve." The agent asked, "Where are the others?" The lawyer, with his best courtroom sad look answered—“They're in the cemetery with their mother." MORAL: It's not necessary to lie, one only has to choose the right words. And don't forget, most politicians are, unfortunately, lawyers. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 23 June, 2017 Share Posted 23 June, 2017 I asked my wife to clean the fridge out while I was at work. Wish I hadn't now. There's nothing left for supper, and she's lying on the sofa like a python thats swallowed a goat. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 1 July, 2017 Share Posted 1 July, 2017 My computer crashed this morning. That was bad enough, but then all the other computers slowed down to have a look. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OldNick Posted 2 July, 2017 Share Posted 2 July, 2017 I asked my wife to clean the fridge out while I was at work. Wish I hadn't now. There's nothing left for supper, and she's lying on the sofa like a python thats swallowed a goat. lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Saint in Paradise Posted 3 July, 2017 Share Posted 3 July, 2017 A short joke video that is supposed to take the mick out of young entitled people starting work but I actually wonder if it is a true story ? http://eheadlines.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/06/StraightOuttaHarvard.mp4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 3 July, 2017 Share Posted 3 July, 2017 A short joke video that is supposed to take the mick out of young entitled people starting work but I actually wonder if it is a true story ? http://eheadlines.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/06/StraightOuttaHarvard.mp4 Must be a joke, but it works because it rings true Back on track..... As I finished dressing and paid the prostitute, she said "You're the first man ever to make me come." "Alright love" I said briskly, "no need to give me all that bullsh*t..." "No sir, don't you remember?" she asked. "Mandy Williams, year 8 maths?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 3 July, 2017 Share Posted 3 July, 2017 A short joke video that is supposed to take the mick out of young entitled people starting work but I actually wonder if it is a true story ? http://eheadlines.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/06/StraightOuttaHarvard.mp4 Must be a joke, but it works because it rings true Back on track..... As I finished dressing and paid the prostitute, she said "You're the first man ever to make me come." "Alright love" I said briskly, "no need to give me all that bullsh*t..." "No sir, don't you remember?" she asked. "Mandy Williams, year 8 maths?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Redbul Posted 10 July, 2017 Author Share Posted 10 July, 2017 I forgot to put blueberries in the little cakes I sold at the big alpine slalom race. But it doesn't really matter in the grand ski muffins. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 10 July, 2017 Share Posted 10 July, 2017 "The neighbour's dog has crapped in our garden again," I complained to my wife. "Well, get a shovel and throw it over the fence," she suggested. It hasn't helped. There's still dogsh*t on my lawn and now the neighbours have my shovel. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OldNick Posted 14 July, 2017 Share Posted 14 July, 2017 "The neighbour's dog has crapped in our garden again," I complained to my wife. "Well, get a shovel and throw it over the fence," she suggested. It hasn't helped. There's still dogsh*t on my lawn and now the neighbours have my shovel.always make me smile Scotty, another I can use lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Saint in Paradise Posted 15 July, 2017 Share Posted 15 July, 2017 . -Hello! Gordon's pizza? - No sir it's Google's pizza. - So it's a wrong number? Sorry - No sir, Google bought it. - OK. Take my order please - Well sir, you want the usual?" - The usual? You know me? - According to our caller ID data sheet, in the last 12 times, you ordered pizza with cheeses, sausage, thick crust. - OK! This is it ... - May I suggest to you this time ricotta, arugula with dry tomato? - What? I hate vegetables. - Your cholesterol is not good, sir." - How do you know? - We crossed the number of your fixed line with your name, through the subscribers guide. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years. - Okay, but I do not want this pizza!,I already take medicine .. -"Excuse me, but you have not taken the medicine regularly, from our commercial database, 4 months ago, you only purchased a box with 30 cholesterol tablets at Drugsale Network. - I bought more from another drugstore. - It's not showing on your credit card statement. - I paid in cash. - But you did not withdraw that much cash according to your bank statement. - I have have other source of cash. - This is not showing as per you last Tax form unless you bought them from undeclared income source. -WHAT THE HELL? - "I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only with the intention of helping you. - Enough! I'm sick of google, facebook, twitter, WhatsApp. I'm going to an Island without internet, cable TV, where there is no cell phone line and no one to watch me or spy on me - "I understand sir but you need to renew your passport first as it has expired 6 weeks ago. . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gingeletiss Posted 16 July, 2017 Share Posted 16 July, 2017 Frannie went to the doctor, saying she had a problem with her aviaries. The doctor said, "Frannie, you're being silly. You mean ovaries. Aviaries are where you find birds." Frannie shook her head and said she meant *aviaries*. Not prepared to argue, the doctor told her to get on the couch for an inspection. After a quick look, he said, "Well, Frannie, you're right! There's been a cockatoo in there." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 17 July, 2017 Share Posted 17 July, 2017 Never objectify a woman. It hates that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Saint in Paradise Posted 17 July, 2017 Share Posted 17 July, 2017 I hear that filming of the new Dr Who series has been delayed. It seems she is having problems with parking the Tardis. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
miserableoldgit Posted 17 July, 2017 Share Posted 17 July, 2017 I hear that filming of the new Dr Who series has been delayed. It seems she is having problems with parking the Tardis. Proof... Sent from my SM-G950F using Tapatalk Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 17 July, 2017 Share Posted 17 July, 2017 Proof... Sent from my SM-G950F using Tapatalk Lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Saint in Paradise Posted 22 July, 2017 Share Posted 22 July, 2017 Scientists have just today announced that dolphins are second to man in intelligence levels....... So that pushes women down to third place. So the new Doctor Who is a woman............... I bet she'll keep bringing up the past.* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 24 July, 2017 Share Posted 24 July, 2017 "I'm leaving you," my girlfriend announced. "I've heard you're a paedophile." "Paedophile?" I said. "that's a big word for an eight year old." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 24 July, 2017 Share Posted 24 July, 2017 I was swapping jokes with a friend over a pint. "What do you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in a bathtub?......." I grinned. "........throw in your washing." My mate laughed, but a guy at the next table leaned across. "That's in very poor taste," he frowned. "My brother was epileptic, and he died last week in our bath." "No offence," I replied. "What happened, did he bang his head?" "No," he said. "He choked on one of my socks." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 25 July, 2017 Share Posted 25 July, 2017 I just watched the outtakes from my favourite porn film. Turns out he did fix that washing machine after all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Upwind Posted 26 July, 2017 Share Posted 26 July, 2017 One day a Cop pulls a van over and when he walks up to the window he sees ten penguins in the back. The cop asks the man "Are those your penguins?" The man says "Yes, they are my pets." The cop tells the man "You need to take them to the zoo right now." Reluctantly the man agrees and drives off. The next day the cop pulls over the same van and when he walks up to the window he sees the ten penguins all wearing sunglasses. The cop says to the man "I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo." The man says "I did, today we are going to the beach!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 26 July, 2017 Share Posted 26 July, 2017 I got badly drunk at the office party and spent the night with a girl from accounts. Apprehensive about going home I asked my neighbour to pop round and find out how angry my wife was. Ten minutes later he phoned back. "She's barely speaking except to scream what a c*nt you are," he said. "She's got a face like thunder, there's broken crockery everywhere and you can cut the atmosphere with a knife." I sighed with relief and thought "great, everything's normal." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Saint in Paradise Posted 27 July, 2017 Share Posted 27 July, 2017 http://www.suffolkgazette.com/business/cordless-garden-hose/ Business Cordless garden hose is best seller By The Editor | July 25, 2017 . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 28 July, 2017 Share Posted 28 July, 2017 "Never work with children or animals." Said my CRB check. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Upwind Posted 31 July, 2017 Share Posted 31 July, 2017 Just seen a Coeliac sufferer stuffing his face with a loaf of bread, some breadcakes and Couscous, washed down with a few wheat beers. Must be a gluten for punishment. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Upwind Posted 31 July, 2017 Share Posted 31 July, 2017 Marti Pellow has left Wet Wet Wet because of arthritis.... ... He feels it in his fingers he feels it in his toes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Upwind Posted 31 July, 2017 Share Posted 31 July, 2017 I think my bathroom scales might be faulty. I weighed myself this morning and I was less than a miligram! I was, like, 0mg. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 31 July, 2017 Share Posted 31 July, 2017 Just seen a Coeliac sufferer stuffing his face with a loaf of bread, some breadcakes and Couscous, washed down with a few wheat beers. Must be a gluten for punishment. Marti Pellow has left Wet Wet Wet because of arthritis.... ... He feels it in his fingers he feels it in his toes. You missed a trick there upwind, there has to be a wheat wheat wheat gag in those two Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Upwind Posted 2 August, 2017 Share Posted 2 August, 2017 Was walking down the street and noticed the houses were numbered 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k and 1mb. Was a real trip down memory lane. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 3 August, 2017 Share Posted 3 August, 2017 I went into sports direct on Tuesday and asks for some condoms and KY jelly. "We are a sports shop." said the assistant. On Wednesday I asked for a dual action 12 inch black dildo, on Thursday some anal beads and a gimp mask, on Friday it was love eggs and a whip. Always with the same reply. Saturday as I walked in the assistant took me to one side and said "mate you keep coming in and it's getting embarrassing. You know we are a sports shop, what the f*ck do you really want?" I summoned up all my courage, took a deep breath and said "can I have a Liverpool home shirt please." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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