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Posted

I was laying back relaxing when my wife walked in.

 

"Why haven't you taken off your clothes and shoes?" she asked.

 

"Because I didn't feel like it," I replied.

 

"How much have you had to drink?" she frowned.

 

"What's with all the f*cking questions?" I said. "Can't you see I'm having a bath?"

Posted

My girlfriend looked up from her paper. "It says here that we should pee in the shower to save water," she said. "You don't do that, do you?"

 

"Yes, sometimes," I admitted.

 

"Yuck, that's disgusting!!" she replied.

 

"Hey!" I protested. "These things happen when you're having a sh*t."

Posted

What have a priest & a pint of guinness got in common?

 

A black coat, white collar & you've got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one...

Posted

Son: Dad, why did you and Mum name my little sister Teresa?

 

Dad: Because we decided that our childrens names should reflect the things we love, and your Mum absolutely loves Easter - and Teresa, is an anagram of Easter!

 

Son: Oh - that makes sense. Thanks Dad.

 

Dad: No problem Alan

Posted

A bloke says to his mate "I'm moving to Switzerland..."

 

The mate asks "Why!? What's so good about Switzerland !?"

 

He replies "Well, the flag is a big plus."

Posted

"I can't believe that you sh*gged my sister last night!!" screamed my girlfriend. "What the hell were you thinking?"

 

I said "babe, you are so much sexier than your sister."

 

"Honestly?" she smiled.

 

"Yes," I said. "That's what I was thinking."

Posted

Some blokes reckon that using a moisturiser after shaving is a bit gay.

 

I don't, I just think it makes my legs lovely and soft.

Posted (edited)

I remember getting a beating from the PE teacher in the school showers.

 

Luckily I managed to climb out of the window and get to my car before he killed me.

Edited by scotty
Posted

I'm getting my own back on the wife this Saturday. I plan to take her to eleven different pubs in town, then go back to the very first one we visited.

 

And that's when I'll buy my pint.

Posted

"Was I breast fed?" I asked.

 

"You sure were," replied my mother.

 

"Did it hurt?" I asked.

 

"No idea," she said. "Ask your nan."

Posted

A man walks into a bar and sits next to an attractive woman,

He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No", he replies, "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

The man explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"

The man smiles, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast."

Posted

When my mother was giving birth, the midwife had to use forceps to pull my head out of her fanny.

 

That's how eager I was to see my kid sister.

Posted

A lawyer, who had a wife and 12 children, needed to move because his rental

agreement was terminated by the owner who wanted to reoccupy the home.

But he was having a lot of difficulty finding a new house.

When he said he had 12 children, no one would rent a home to him because

they felt the children would destroy the place.

He couldn't say he had no children, because he couldn't lie—and we all know

lawyers cannot lie. So, he sent his wife for a walk to the cemetery with 11 of their kids.

He took the remaining one with him to see rental homes with the real estate*agent.

He loved one of the homes and the price was right—and the agent asked: "How

many children do you have?

He answered: "Twelve."

The agent asked, "Where are the others?"

The lawyer, with his best courtroom sad look answered—“They're in the

cemetery with their mother."

 

MORAL:

It's not necessary to lie, one only has to choose the right words. And don't

forget, most politicians are, unfortunately, lawyers.

Posted

I asked my wife to clean the fridge out while I was at work.

 

Wish I hadn't now. There's nothing left for supper, and she's lying on the sofa like a python thats swallowed a goat.

  • 2 weeks later...
Posted
I asked my wife to clean the fridge out while I was at work.

 

Wish I hadn't now. There's nothing left for supper, and she's lying on the sofa like a python thats swallowed a goat.

lol
Posted
A short joke video that is supposed to take the mick out of young entitled people starting work

but I actually wonder if it is a true story ?

 

http://eheadlines.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/06/StraightOuttaHarvard.mp4

 

:(

 

Must be a joke, but it works because it rings true :)

 

Back on track.....

 

 

As I finished dressing and paid the prostitute, she said "You're the first man ever to make me come."

 

"Alright love" I said briskly, "no need to give me all that bullsh*t..."

 

"No sir, don't you remember?" she asked. "Mandy Williams, year 8 maths?"

Posted
A short joke video that is supposed to take the mick out of young entitled people starting work

but I actually wonder if it is a true story ?

 

http://eheadlines.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/06/StraightOuttaHarvard.mp4

 

:(

 

Must be a joke, but it works because it rings true :)

 

Back on track.....

 

 

As I finished dressing and paid the prostitute, she said "You're the first man ever to make me come."

 

"Alright love" I said briskly, "no need to give me all that bullsh*t..."

 

"No sir, don't you remember?" she asked. "Mandy Williams, year 8 maths?"

Posted

I forgot to put blueberries in the little cakes I sold at the big alpine slalom race.

 

But it doesn't really matter in the grand ski muffins.

Posted

"The neighbour's dog has crapped in our garden again," I complained to my wife.

 

"Well, get a shovel and throw it over the fence," she suggested.

 

 

It hasn't helped. There's still dogsh*t on my lawn and now the neighbours have my shovel.

Posted
"The neighbour's dog has crapped in our garden again," I complained to my wife.

 

"Well, get a shovel and throw it over the fence," she suggested.

 

 

It hasn't helped. There's still dogsh*t on my lawn and now the neighbours have my shovel.

always make me smile Scotty, another I can use lol
Posted

.

-Hello! Gordon's pizza?

- No sir it's Google's pizza.

- So it's a wrong number? Sorry

- No sir, Google bought it.

- OK. Take my order please

- Well sir, you want the usual?"

- The usual? You know me?

- According to our caller ID data sheet, in the last 12 times, you ordered pizza with cheeses, sausage, thick crust.

- OK! This is it ...

- May I suggest to you this time ricotta, arugula with dry tomato?

- What? I hate vegetables.

- Your cholesterol is not good, sir."

- How do you know?

- We crossed the number of your fixed line with your name, through the subscribers guide. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.

- Okay, but I do not want this pizza!,I already take medicine ..

-"Excuse me, but you have not taken the medicine regularly, from our commercial database, 4 months ago, you only purchased a box with 30 cholesterol tablets at Drugsale Network.

- I bought more from another drugstore.

- It's not showing on your credit card statement.

- I paid in cash.

- But you did not withdraw that much cash according to your bank statement.

- I have have other source of cash.

- This is not showing as per you last Tax form unless you bought them from undeclared income source.

-WHAT THE HELL?

- "I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only with the intention of helping you.

- Enough! I'm sick of google, facebook, twitter, WhatsApp. I'm going to an Island without internet, cable TV, where there is no cell phone line and no one to watch me or spy on me

- "I understand sir but you need to renew your passport first as it has expired 6 weeks ago.

 

.

Posted

Frannie went to the doctor, saying she had a problem with her aviaries.

The doctor said, "Frannie, you're being silly. You mean ovaries.

Aviaries are where you find birds."

Frannie shook her head and said she meant *aviaries*.

Not prepared to argue, the doctor told her to get on the couch for an inspection.

After a quick look, he said, "Well, Frannie, you're right!

There's been a cockatoo in there."

Posted

Scientists have just today announced that dolphins are second to man in intelligence levels....... So that pushes women down to third place.

 

So the new Doctor Who is a woman............... I bet she'll keep bringing up the past.*

Posted

"I'm leaving you," my girlfriend announced. "I've heard you're a paedophile."

 

"Paedophile?" I said. "that's a big word for an eight year old."

Posted

I was swapping jokes with a friend over a pint. "What do you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in a bathtub?......." I grinned. "........throw in your washing."

 

My mate laughed, but a guy at the next table leaned across. "That's in very poor taste," he frowned. "My brother was epileptic, and he died last week in our bath."

 

"No offence," I replied. "What happened, did he bang his head?"

 

"No," he said. "He choked on one of my socks."

Posted

One day a Cop pulls a van over and when he walks up to the window he sees ten penguins in the back.

The cop asks the man "Are those your penguins?"

The man says "Yes, they are my pets."

The cop tells the man "You need to take them to the zoo right now."

Reluctantly the man agrees and drives off.

 

The next day the cop pulls over the same van and when he walks up to the window he sees the ten penguins all wearing sunglasses.

The cop says to the man "I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo."

The man says "I did, today we are going to the beach!"

Posted

I got badly drunk at the office party and spent the night with a girl from accounts. Apprehensive about going home I asked my neighbour to pop round and find out how angry my wife was.

 

Ten minutes later he phoned back. "She's barely speaking except to scream what a c*nt you are," he said. "She's got a face like thunder, there's broken crockery everywhere and you can cut the atmosphere with a knife."

 

I sighed with relief and thought "great, everything's normal."

Posted

Just seen a Coeliac sufferer stuffing his face with a loaf of bread, some breadcakes and Couscous, washed down with a few wheat beers.

Must be a gluten for punishment.

Posted
Just seen a Coeliac sufferer stuffing his face with a loaf of bread, some breadcakes and Couscous, washed down with a few wheat beers.

Must be a gluten for punishment.

 

Marti Pellow has left Wet Wet Wet because of arthritis....

 

... He feels it in his fingers he feels it in his toes.

 

You missed a trick there upwind, there has to be a wheat wheat wheat gag in those two :D

Posted

Was walking down the street and noticed the houses were numbered 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k and 1mb.

 

Was a real trip down memory lane.

Posted

I went into sports direct on Tuesday and asks for some condoms and KY jelly.

 

"We are a sports shop." said the assistant.

 

On Wednesday I asked for a dual action 12 inch black dildo, on Thursday some anal beads and a gimp mask, on Friday it was love eggs and a whip. Always with the same reply.

 

Saturday as I walked in the assistant took me to one side and said "mate you keep coming in and it's getting embarrassing. You know we are a sports shop, what the f*ck do you really want?"

 

I summoned up all my courage, took a deep breath and said "can I have a Liverpool home shirt please."

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