scotty Posted 18 March, 2017 Share Posted 18 March, 2017 We had the mother in law over for dinner, and our dog was gazing up at her and wagging his tail. "That's sweet," she smiled. "Is he really that fond of me?" "Not really," I said. "It's just that you're eating off his plate." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gingeletiss Posted 19 March, 2017 Share Posted 19 March, 2017 I think I might have used too much softener when I washed my underwear. I haven't had an erection for a week. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
John Boy Saint Posted 20 March, 2017 Share Posted 20 March, 2017 This is a true story, proving how fascinating the mind of a six year old is. They think so logically. A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home. She read. 'And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?' The teacher paused then asked the class: 'And what do you think the man said?' One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly... 'I think the man would have said - 'Well, F#ck me!! A talking pig!' The teacher had to leave the room. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 22 March, 2017 Share Posted 22 March, 2017 Since my vasectomy, every time I come a little flag saying BANG!! pops out of my cock. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 24 March, 2017 Share Posted 24 March, 2017 I've renamed my wifi network to Police Surveillance Unit 2. That should keep the neighbours on their toes for a while. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Upwind Posted 24 March, 2017 Share Posted 24 March, 2017 Yesterday I bought the world's worst Thesaurus. Not only is it terrible, it is also terrible. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Upwind Posted 24 March, 2017 Share Posted 24 March, 2017 Who's the coolest man in the hospital? The Ultrasound guy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Saint in Paradise Posted 24 March, 2017 Share Posted 24 March, 2017 What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose? Full Up Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 24 March, 2017 Share Posted 24 March, 2017 The woman overtaking me on the motorway is either doing a huge yawn or her brakes have failed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 24 March, 2017 Share Posted 24 March, 2017 What's the connection between Sting, Buzz Aldrin and Michael Jackson? Sting sang about walking on the moon. Buzz Aldrin actually walked on the moon. But Michael Jackson f*cked kids. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Upwind Posted 27 March, 2017 Share Posted 27 March, 2017 The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died. His family are taking it hard. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
suewhistle Posted 27 March, 2017 Share Posted 27 March, 2017 Yesterday I bought the world's worst Thesaurus. Not only is it terrible, it is also terrible. Like it. As an English teacher I'm going to steal, rob, swipe, rip off, pinch, poach, borrow, and liberate that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
John Boy Saint Posted 27 March, 2017 Share Posted 27 March, 2017 Little 5 year old Mary sees a group of workmen turn up next door to build an extension. She takes an interest and starts to talk to them. The builders, with hearts if gold, adopt her as their site mascot. After a week they present her with a Pink hard hat and gloves. Even a wage packet of £5. "Goodness" says Mummy smiling, "are you working there next week?". Mary replies: "I think so Mummy, provided those w**kers at Travis Perkins deliver the f**kin bricks!!". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 28 March, 2017 Share Posted 28 March, 2017 I poured some water over a ducks back this morning. He didn't care. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shroppie Posted 30 March, 2017 Share Posted 30 March, 2017 What thinks the unthinkable? An itheberg. Sent from my Pixel using Tapatalk Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
John Boy Saint Posted 30 March, 2017 Share Posted 30 March, 2017 What thinks the unthinkable? An itheberg. Sent from my Pixel using Tapatalk Thats as bad as: Two dyslexics having a chat. First one says "can you smell gas?". The other replies " bugger off, I can't even smell my own name". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 2 April, 2017 Share Posted 2 April, 2017 A regular came into my butchers shop this morning. She's from Trinidad, and loves a bargain. "What's on special offer today?" she smiled. "I fancy a piece of beef, or some chicken." I said "No, Black Betty, it's ham or lamb." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OldNick Posted 5 April, 2017 Share Posted 5 April, 2017 some witty people on here competing. My mate had sex with Kylie Minogue yesterday, he said there was 3 things to say Firstly she was very tight to get into Secondly she didnt complain if you finish on her face and thirdly the Staff at Madame Tussuads dont have a sense of humour Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gingeletiss Posted 10 April, 2017 Share Posted 10 April, 2017 Why do woman prefer to give head, to circumcised men? Because they are suckers for anything with 20% off! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 10 April, 2017 Share Posted 10 April, 2017 When I saw Millbrook Towers on fire I thought "Al Qaeda are getting desperate." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Upwind Posted 10 April, 2017 Share Posted 10 April, 2017 My sexy neighbour over the road has left her curtains open slightly, so I'm watching her pleasure herself with my telescope. I can't see very well, though. If only I had my telescope. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Upwind Posted 10 April, 2017 Share Posted 10 April, 2017 I was watching my next door neighbour's 21-year-old daughter sunbathe topless from my bedroom window at the weekend. As I was knocking one out I turned to notice my wife just stood there, arms folded, watching me. Is she a pervert? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 10 April, 2017 Share Posted 10 April, 2017 ^^Are you trying to tell us something? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 11 April, 2017 Share Posted 11 April, 2017 Two interesting facts about me. One; my cock is exactly the same length as three Argos pens. Two; I'm banned from Argos. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Upwind Posted 12 April, 2017 Share Posted 12 April, 2017 I once had to play a game of football on a pitch with hard core scattered on it, 2nd leg of a cup semi-final We lost on aggregate... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Upwind Posted 12 April, 2017 Share Posted 12 April, 2017 I asked my mate how he managed to get lots of fat birds into bed with relative ease. He said it was a piece of cake........ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 12 April, 2017 Share Posted 12 April, 2017 The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died. His family are taking it hard. Innuendo, eh? "Our client, Katie Price, has been upset by suggestive comments concerning the alleged size of her vagina," said the solicitor. "Were you responsible?" "I may have had a hand in it," I admitted. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Whitey Grandad Posted 13 April, 2017 Share Posted 13 April, 2017 If a woman asks you for a double entendre then give her one. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
John Boy Saint Posted 13 April, 2017 Share Posted 13 April, 2017 A little old man shuffled slowly into an Ice Cream Parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath he ordered a Banana split. The Waitress kindly asked "Crushed Nuts?" "No" he replied "Arthritis" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
John Boy Saint Posted 13 April, 2017 Share Posted 13 April, 2017 Two interesting facts about me. One; my cock is exactly the same length as three Argos pens. Two; I'm banned from Argos. :lol: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
John Boy Saint Posted 13 April, 2017 Share Posted 13 April, 2017 I heard a sweet elderly Lady saying a prayer: Dear Lord, the past couple of years have been very tough for me You've taken - My favourite actor, Patrick MacNee My favourite horror actor, Christopher Lee My favourite comedian Robin Williams My favourite singers, Cilla Black, Joe Cocker, and David Bowie My favourite author Tom Clancy And finally my favourite presenter Sir Terry Wogan So Lord, I just wanted you to know that my favourite politicians are: Tony Blair, Jeremy Corbyn, Jacob Zuma, and that stupid loud mouthed cow from Scotland Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
John Boy Saint Posted 13 April, 2017 Share Posted 13 April, 2017 An elderly couple who had both been widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.# Urged on by their friends, they decided that it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked rather tentatively. "I would like it infrequently" she replied. The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered - "Is that one word or two?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 17 April, 2017 Share Posted 17 April, 2017 Never google your symptoms. It's always cancer, and you're always going to die. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 17 April, 2017 Share Posted 17 April, 2017 On my first day in prison, my cellmate said to me, "Listen. If you ever come close to me, I'll f*cking skin you. When we're sleeping, don't f*cking touch me. Don't ever try and talk to me either."* "Great," I thought, "one day in here and I'm already married." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Upwind Posted 18 April, 2017 Share Posted 18 April, 2017 A guy goes to prison for the first time and finds himself sharing a cell with the biggest guy he has ever seen. On the first night the guy leans over and says, "Alright, mate. You and me are gonna be playing a lot of mummies and daddies in here. So who do you wanna be? The mummy or the daddy?" The new guy thinks to himself that this bloke probably has a massive díck, and decides he would rather 'give' than 'receive'. "Um... erm... well, I suppose I'll be the Daddy then." "A good choice, Mate," Says the big guy. "Now come over here and suck Mummy's cóck." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 21 April, 2017 Share Posted 21 April, 2017 I gave Helen Keller a cheese grater for her birthday. She said it was the most violent book she'd ever read. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 21 April, 2017 Share Posted 21 April, 2017 (edited) ".... oh god!!" I gasped. "I'm going to explode, I can't stop it...." "Do it on my tits," she whispered. "I'm kinky like that." " Really?" I said. "Yes, honestly," she replied. It taught me this much. When you've got diarrhoea, it's best to be specific. Edited 21 April, 2017 by scotty Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Upwind Posted 24 April, 2017 Share Posted 24 April, 2017 Quasimodo walks into a bar, strolls straight up to the barman and says "I"ll have a whisky please". The barman says "Bells alright"? Quasi replies "Mind your own f**king business" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 26 April, 2017 Share Posted 26 April, 2017 I asked the librarian for a book about having sex with dwarfs. "How can you stoop so low? " she sneered. I said "that's the one." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 26 April, 2017 Share Posted 26 April, 2017 "That ribbed condom feels incredible!!" she gasped. "What's it called?" "Genital Warts," I replied. "And I don't have a condom." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 2 May, 2017 Share Posted 2 May, 2017 My wife called downstairs, "before you go can you toss another load into the washing machine?" "You kinky bitch" I thought, unzipping my flies. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dry Toast Posted 7 May, 2017 Share Posted 7 May, 2017 It's 1958, 54 people are flying over the Atlantic from Paris to Los Angeles. Most are families, the others are business men. The flight had been uneventful for the first 90 mins when the general low chat is broken by a judder, but it's not turbulence. Over the Tannoy system the Captain begins speaking. 'Ladies and gentlemen the vibrations you may have just felt were due to the No.3 engine having problems, because of this we will be around 20 mins late landing. We are sorry for any inconvenience'. A couple of the business men rub under their eyes and frown, but generally most people seem unbothered. Drinks and food are served, everyone forgets about the extra 20 minutes and the general hum of chatter returns. Another judder, 2h 35 into the flight. The Captain, again, comes over the radio. 'Ladies and gentlemen, it appears that engine No.1 has stopped working. This is not a problem but it does mean that we will now be around 45 minutes late touching down in L.A'. A few people start realizing they will miss trains and more of the businessmen start frowning, but they understand there is nothing they can do. Most ask for a beer or a gin and tonic. 4h 21mins since the flight left Paris and they hit a weather front. Strong winds batter the plane, mostly sideways. Lightening and heavy rain become a problem. 20 minutes pass, a big shudder and a slight lose of engine note alerts most of the adults. Concerned looks are exchanged between passengers. About a minute later the Captain states, 'We are sorry Ladies and gentlemen but due to to the adverse weather conditions we are having problems with engine No.4. There is know need to be worried but we will be, at least, 2hrs late arriving at L.A. We are very sorry for any problems that may arise because of this'. All of the businessmen are now pretty annoyed and the delay affects everyone. Then one of the children turns to his mother and says, 'Hopefully the last engine won't stop or otherwise we'll be up here all day!'. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 7 May, 2017 Share Posted 7 May, 2017 I was shocked to catch my wife filling out a Cosmo quiz called "Is your man hopeless in bed?" "Don't worry," she reassured me. "It's just something to do when I'm bored." "That's ok then" I replied, and carried on thrusting. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Upwind Posted 8 May, 2017 Share Posted 8 May, 2017 Started my new job at the Samaritans yesterday and I'm loving it ... My first call was from a Pompey fan who said he was on the train track feeling suicidal. I told him, "Please keep calm and stay on the line." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 11 May, 2017 Share Posted 11 May, 2017 Started my new job at the Samaritans yesterday and I'm loving it ... My first call was from a Pompey fan who said he was on the train track feeling suicidal. I told him, "Please keep calm and stay on the line." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 11 May, 2017 Share Posted 11 May, 2017 My doctor has given me no more than a week to live. There's nothing wrong with me, he's just found out I'm sh*gging his wife. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Upwind Posted 11 May, 2017 Share Posted 11 May, 2017 Sometimes you just hear what you want to hear. At a travel agency in Shanghai, I asked the Chinese girl behind the counter if she could escort me on a city tour, and asked her for her mobile number so I could call her to make arrangements. She gave me a big smile, nodded her head and said, "Sex sex sex, wan free sex for tonight". I replied, "Wow, you Chinese women are really hospitable!" A guy standing next to me overheard, tapped me on the shoulder and said, "What she really said was: 666136429." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Whitey Grandad Posted 11 May, 2017 Share Posted 11 May, 2017 Sometimes you just hear what you want to hear. At a travel agency in Shanghai, I asked the Chinese girl behind the counter if she could escort me on a city tour, and asked her for her mobile number so I could call her to make arrangements. She gave me a big smile, nodded her head and said, "Sex sex sex, wan free sex for tonight". I replied, "Wow, you Chinese women are really hospitable!" A guy standing next to me overheard, tapped me on the shoulder and said, "What she really said was: 666136429." I thought that was chicken chow mein, crispy chilli beef and a portion of egg fried rice??? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shroppie Posted 11 May, 2017 Share Posted 11 May, 2017 Two nuns riding bicycles down a cobbled street. One says to the other, "Do you come this way often?" (The old ones are the best. ?) Sent from my Pixel using Tapatalk Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mystic Force Posted 11 May, 2017 Share Posted 11 May, 2017 Two nuns were at a football match when a streaker ran on to the pitch. One had a stroke, the other couldn't reach. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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