Upwind Posted 24 November, 2016 Posted 24 November, 2016 Jimmy Savile wasn't as bad as people make out, when I was a boy he fixed it for me to milk a cow blind folded.
Upwind Posted 24 November, 2016 Posted 24 November, 2016 I think mountains are funny - in fact I'd go as to say they're hill areas.
Upwind Posted 24 November, 2016 Posted 24 November, 2016 It says in the evening paper that a dog ran 31 miles to return a stick that it's master had thrown for it. Seems very far fetched to me....
badgerx16 Posted 25 November, 2016 Posted 25 November, 2016 (edited) How do you comfort a grammar nazi ? "There, their, they're" Edited 25 November, 2016 by badgerx16
badgerx16 Posted 25 November, 2016 Posted 25 November, 2016 What do you call 2 crows on a branch ? Attempted murder. ---------------------------------------- What do you get if you put root beer in a square glass ? Beer.
Upwind Posted 21 December, 2016 Posted 21 December, 2016 CREATING A PASSWORD cabbage Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters. boiledcabbage Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character. 1 boiled cabbage Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces. 50flamingboiledcabbages Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character. 50FLAMINGGboiledcabbages Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively. 50FlamingBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourArse.IfYouDon’tGiveMeAccessImmediately Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation. NowIAmGettingReallyHackedOff50FlamingBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourArseIfYouDontGiveMeAccessImmediately Sorry, that password is already in use.
Upwind Posted 11 January, 2017 Posted 11 January, 2017 When my Grandad was ill, my Grandmother smeared butter all over his back and arse cheeks. He went downhill very quickly after that.
Upwind Posted 11 January, 2017 Posted 11 January, 2017 I bought the missus a bag and a belt for Christmas. She wasn't as happy as i thought she would be. Ah well never mind, the hoover is picking up great now.
OldNick Posted 12 January, 2017 Posted 12 January, 2017 When my Grandad was ill, my Grandmother smeared butter all over his back and arse cheeks. He went downhill very quickly after that.lol
whelk Posted 12 January, 2017 Posted 12 January, 2017 My girlfriend is sick of me thinking I am a detective and suggests we split up. I said good idea that way we'll cover more ground.
Upwind Posted 16 January, 2017 Posted 16 January, 2017 A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?” The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.” The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.” The man says, “All right, all right. I’m *dying* to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?” The monks reply, “You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.” The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, “I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.” The monks reply, “Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.” The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, “The sound is right behind that door.” The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, “Really funny. May I have the key?” The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst. Finally, the monks say, “This is the last key to the last door.” The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound. But I can't tell you because you're not a monk.
Upwind Posted 17 January, 2017 Posted 17 January, 2017 I let rip a right fart on the bus on the way home. The four people in front of me all turned around. It was just like being on The Voice...
Upwind Posted 17 January, 2017 Posted 17 January, 2017 I've started to routinely look out for the nurse who visits our pregnant next door neighbour every day.... The thing is I'm not sure if it is actually her I fancy, or if I've got a nurses uniform fetish. Could it be I'm going through a midwife crisis?
scotty Posted 18 January, 2017 Posted 18 January, 2017 Shopping in town with my girlfriend we saw a group of sexy teenagers in miniskirts. "Cor!!" I chuckled. "I bet you wish you had legs like those!" She didn't reply, but I could tell she was upset. I heard her sniffle as I wheeled her up the ramp into Debenhams.
Upwind Posted 25 January, 2017 Posted 25 January, 2017 I went to the doctor and told him I had hurt my peni$ in a surfing incident. He said "did you fall off your surf-board?". "No, I closed my laptop on it when the wife walked in".
Upwind Posted 26 January, 2017 Posted 26 January, 2017 Donald Trump steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter. Right in front of him, on the White House lawn, he sees “Donald Trump Sucks” written in urine across the snow. Well, he's is pretty ticked off. He storms into his security staff’s HQ, and yells “Somebody wrote an insult in the snow on the front damn lawn! And they wrote it in urine! Whoever did it had to be standing right on the porch when he did it! Where were you guys?!” The security guys stay silent and stare ashamedly at the floor. Trump hollers “Well dammit, don’t just sit there! Get out and find out who did it! I want an answer, and I want it tonight!” The entire staff immediately jump up and race for the exits. Later that evening, his chief security officer approaches him and says: “Well Mr. President, we have some bad news and we have some really bad news. Which do you want first?” Trump says “Give me the bad news first.” The officer says “Well, we took a sample of the urine and tested it. The results just came back, and it was Mike Pence’s urine.” Trump says “Oh my god, I feel so... so... betrayed! My own vice president! Damn. ...Well, what’s the really bad news?” The officer replies “Well, it’s Melania’s handwriting.”
scotty Posted 28 January, 2017 Posted 28 January, 2017 (edited) I thought my new girlfriend might be "the one" until she invited me in for coffee. When I went upstairs to the bathroom I sneaked a look in her wardrobe and found a policewomans uniform, together with a maids outfit and a nurses uniform. That's when I decided. If she can't hold down a job she's not for me. Edited 28 January, 2017 by scotty
Upwind Posted 30 January, 2017 Posted 30 January, 2017 A Dwarf with a lisp goes to buy a horse. "I want a female horth." He said to a dealer, who shows him a mare. "Nithe horth, Can I thee her eythe?". The dealer picks him up and shows him its eyes. "Nithe eyeth, Can I thee her teeth?" He lifts the dwarf up and shows him her teeth. "Nithe teeth, Can I thee her twot?". So the dealer lifts him up and shoves his head up the mares fanny and pulls him out a few seconds later. "I'll reefwaze that, Can I thee her wun awound?" ...
scotty Posted 31 January, 2017 Posted 31 January, 2017 In Edinburgh on business, I went into a pub and ordered a pint of best with a double scotch chaser. The landlord poured the drinks and said "there you are Sir, pint of best and a large malt. That'll be 55 pence." I said "55p? That would cost me fifteen quid back in London." I sat down, and noticed a couple of blokes chatting at an empty table. "Not drinking then lads?" I asked. "The prices in here are unbelievable!" "I know," replied one of them. "Why do you think we're waiting for Happy Hour?"
OldNick Posted 31 January, 2017 Posted 31 January, 2017 I thought my new girlfriend might be "the one" until she invited me in for coffee. When I went upstairs to the bathroom I sneaked a look in her wardrobe and found a policewomans uniform, together with a maids outfit and a nurses uniform. That's when I decided. If she can't hold down a job she's not for me.nice one
Gingeletiss Posted 1 February, 2017 Posted 1 February, 2017 Today,I found a hole in my trainer big enough to put my finger in. Now she has made a formal complaint and I have been banned from the gym..
scotty Posted 1 February, 2017 Posted 1 February, 2017 "It's a bit icy outside," said my wife. "Would you mind polishing my boots for me before I go out?" The leather hasn't come up too well, but you should see the shine on those soles.
scotty Posted 5 February, 2017 Posted 5 February, 2017 The first rule of Chinese Whispers Club is "Never talk about Tiny Whiskers Grub."
OldNick Posted 6 February, 2017 Posted 6 February, 2017 "It's a bit icy outside," said my wife. "Would you mind polishing my boots for me before I go out?" The leather hasn't come up too well, but you should see the shine on those soles. lol
Upwind Posted 7 February, 2017 Posted 7 February, 2017 BREAKING NEWS: Trumps Library has burned down. The fire consumed both books and in a tragic twist he hadn't even finished colouring the second one.
scotty Posted 9 February, 2017 Posted 9 February, 2017 "I sometimes wonder if you even know what my face looks like." Said my girlfriends tits.
Shroppie Posted 13 February, 2017 Posted 13 February, 2017 I accidentally swallowed Tippex instead of Viagra. Gave me a huge correction. Sent from my Pixel using Tapatalk
scotty Posted 16 February, 2017 Posted 16 February, 2017 I'm not saying my girlfriend is flat-chested. But the label on her bra reads "Contents may settle in transit".
scotty Posted 17 February, 2017 Posted 17 February, 2017 "What's your all time favourite opening line to a movie?" asked my wife. I thought for a moment, and said "I've come to fix the washing machine."
OldNick Posted 18 February, 2017 Posted 18 February, 2017 "What's your all time favourite opening line to a movie?" asked my wife. I thought for a moment, and said "I've come to fix the washing machine." I love your jokes, most of them make me chuckle
John Boy Saint Posted 20 February, 2017 Posted 20 February, 2017 A left wing politician, a TV reporter and a SAS trooper were captured by ISIS. They were sentenced to death by beheading. The ISIS leader said they could have one last wish each before sentence was carried out. The politician ask to hear a rendering of keep the red flag flying. The reporter asked that the beheading to be televised so that even when he was dead his face would be on TV. The trooper asked to be kicked up the arse three times . This was carried out, as the last kick landed the trooper pulled a hidden 9 mm pistol out of his smock shot three terrorists dead grabbed a fallen AK 47 and killed the rest of the terrorists. The other two were amazed, and asked why he requested to be kicked three times before drawing the gun, Because, said the trooper, when we get back to the UK I don’t want you pair of bastards saying it was an unprovoked attack!!
Upwind Posted 21 February, 2017 Posted 21 February, 2017 Apparently animals make different sounds according to different languages. For example, in China a dog makes a sizzling noise.
scotty Posted 21 February, 2017 Posted 21 February, 2017 For a couple of months now, I've been getting to know a very friendly young lady who insists on calling me every evening for a chat. Earlier today, I plucked up the courage to ask her if I could masturbate to the sound of her sexy voice. I think that's the last I've heard of Anglian Windows.
scotty Posted 21 February, 2017 Posted 21 February, 2017 I love your jokes, most of them make me chuckle I can't claim the credit for all of them Nick, most of them are from the late lamented sickipedia, but a lot of the ones I've put on here I wrote for that site myself. When it died I had about 200 of my own jokes listed on there. The forums were a brilliant laugh as well.
OldNick Posted 22 February, 2017 Posted 22 February, 2017 I can't claim the credit for all of them Nick, most of them are from the late lamented sickipedia, but a lot of the ones I've put on here I wrote for that site myself. When it died I had about 200 of my own jokes listed on there. The forums were a brilliant laugh as well. good stuff,
scotty Posted 22 February, 2017 Posted 22 February, 2017 I rolled off the wife and huffed. "Christ, it's like sh*gging an inflatable doll," I complained. She didn't reply, just stared at me in shock, wide-eyed and open-mouthed. "You're not helping yourself here," I said.
scotty Posted 25 February, 2017 Posted 25 February, 2017 We threaded our way to the middle of the showroom, and the car dealer stroked the windscreen. "Beautiful, isn't she?" he said. "Certainly is," I replied. "Reminds me of my perfect woman." He chuckled. "You mean she's sleek, sexy, and goes like the clappers?" "No," I said. "I mean she's four years old and locked in."
Upwind Posted 27 February, 2017 Posted 27 February, 2017 I phoned the radio station yesterday. The presenter answered and said, "Congratulations on being our first caller, all you need to do is answer the following question correctly, to win our grand prize!" "That fantastic!" I shouted in delight. "Feel confident?" The presenter asked, "Its a maths question." "Well, I've got a degree in maths," I proudly replied, "and teach it my local school." "Ok then, to win our grand prize of 2 front row seats to a Sheffield United game and to meet the team after the game what is 2+2?" "7" I replied
Upwind Posted 28 February, 2017 Posted 28 February, 2017 I said to my wife, "lets go out to eat tonight." She came back with the classic, "I have nothing to wear" reply. So I said to her, "just wear what you had on the last time we went out, you looked beautiful." So there we were in the local steak house, me in jeans and a T shirt, and her in her wedding dress!
scotty Posted 1 March, 2017 Posted 1 March, 2017 After the wife had parked the car in town, I got on my mobile. "Who are you calling?" She asked. "A taxi" I replied "I'm not walking to the kerb from here."
scotty Posted 3 March, 2017 Posted 3 March, 2017 I asked the librarian if he had the new book about erectile dysfunction. He tapped at his keyboard and looked at the screen. "It's not coming up," he frowned. I said "That's the one."
Upwind Posted 6 March, 2017 Posted 6 March, 2017 URGENT HELP REQUIRED..... Does anyone know how to cancel an eBay bid? I put £3 on a cowboy outfit and now I'm 6 minutes away from owning Portsmouth.
scotty Posted 9 March, 2017 Posted 9 March, 2017 I dived to the ground clutching my leg and crying out with pain, hoping it looked convincing. "If you don't want sex tonight you could just say so," scowled my wife.
scotty Posted 11 March, 2017 Posted 11 March, 2017 I gave my mrs a novelty bra made from sheepdog fur. "Aww," she giggled, "is that to keep my boobies nice and warm?" "No," I said. "But it'll round them up and point them in the right direction."
dronskisaint Posted 11 March, 2017 Posted 11 March, 2017 I gave my mrs a novelty bra made from sheepdog fur. "Aww," she giggled, "is that to keep my boobies nice and warm?" "No," I said. "But it'll round them up and point them in the right direction." Applause!! :-)
scotty Posted 15 March, 2017 Posted 15 March, 2017 "Excuse me," I said to the woman in front of me on the bus."You have semen on the back of your jacket." "I don't think so," she replied. "It's probably yoghurt." "It's definitely semen," I said. "I don't ejaculate yoghurt."
scotty Posted 16 March, 2017 Posted 16 March, 2017 My sex addiction therapist asked if I was ready to commit to weekly meetings. F*cking right I am, you should see the tits on her.
scotty Posted 17 March, 2017 Posted 17 March, 2017 Women wake up with their eyes closed and their mouths open. Coincidence? I think not.
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