TSM Crap Joke Suppository....

[Evil Monkey]

Last Chirstmas some local kids built a whole bunch of snowmen in the park opposite my house. So I kidnapped them, and kept them in the freezer to preserve them for longer. I also kicked their snowmen to bits just for fun.

[Redbul]

I saw a mate this morning, he's only got 1 arm, bless him.

I shouted, "Where are you off to?"

"To change a light bulb." he said,

"That's going to be awkward isn't it?"

"Not really" he said, "I've still got the receipt, you sarcastic tw*t."

[Redbul]

Whoever said women can multitask is talking b0ll0cks. I told my missus to sit down and shut the f*** up, she couldn't do either!!

[Sevvy]

First words from one of the trapped miners. " Are Pompey dead yet"

[Redbul]

Two great white sharks, swimming in the ocean, spied a ship in distress.

 

"Follow me, son," the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the sinking ship, then watched as the people hastily abandoned it.

"First we swim around the people in the water a few times, with just the tip of our fins showing."

And they did.

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing."

And they did.

"Well done, son! Now we eat everybody."

And they did.

 

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"

His wise father replied, "Because they taste a whole lot better without all the 5h1t inside them!"

[ChrisPY]

So people with money problems can now go to channel 888 on sky to watch ocean finance tv.

 

Or they could perhaps follow my advice and cancel their sky subscription to cut down their outgoings.

[Redbul]

I hear that the first job that those Chilean miners have got to do is fly to Liverpool to get Roy Hodgson out of a big hole....

[Redbul]

Today my wife brought me home a tub of ice cream and asked if I wanted some. "How hard is it?" I asked.

To which she cheekily replied "As hard as your c**k when you're thinking about me naked"

I said "Go on then pour me some...."

[INFLUENCED.COM]

Gary Glitter has gone to Chile now, the only place where you can slide a minor up and down your shaft and get applauded

[Redbul]

Man ****ging a 30 stone woman. He says "Any chance we can have the light switched off?"

She said "Why - do you find me repulsive?"

He said "No, it's burning my ar5e."

[scotty]

Two great white sharks, swimming in the ocean, spied a ship in distress.

 

"Follow me, son," the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the sinking ship, then watched as the people hastily abandoned it.

"First we swim around the people in the water a few times, with just the tip of our fins showing."

And they did.

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing."

And they did.

"Well done, son! Now we eat everybody."

And they did.

 

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"

His wise father replied, "Because they taste a whole lot better without all the 5h1t inside them!"

 

lol, then theres the 2 whales that spot a ship, one says "I recognise them, they harpooned my dad. Heres the plan; we glide under the boat and blow like hell through our blowholes and capsize them. Then when the sailors abandon the ship we're going to eat the bastards one by one."

 

The other one shakes his head and says "no way. I dont mind doing the blowjob but I'm not swallowing the seamen"

[SuperMikey]

I was in the pub the other night when this big Jamaican guy walks in with his d!ck in a bowl of custard.

I said "Mate, i'm f*cking disgusted!"

He replied "No man, i'm f*cking dis'custard"

[SimplyRed&White]

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir

Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

 

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned

out to be an optical Aleutian.

 

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

 

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it

was a weapon of math disruption.

 

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be

stationery.

 

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for

littering.

 

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum

Blownapart.

 

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

 

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are

looking into it.

 

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

 

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

 

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to

the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

 

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

 

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the

Grass.'

 

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small

medium at large.

 

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a

seasoned veteran.

 

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

 

18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your

count that votes.

 

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

 

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.

 

21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The

stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion

allowed per passenger.'

 

22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says

'Dam!'

 

23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in

the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't

have your kayak and heat it too.

 

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The

other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

 

25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root

canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

 

26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope

that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten

did.

[Redbul]

Husband watching TV when his fat wife comes into him and says "I just fell down the stairs, didn't you hear me?"

Husband says "Sorry love, thought it was the start of Eastenders...."

[scotty]

walked in to the kitchen this morning, the wife was at the cooker doing soft boiled eggs for breakfast as usual, wearing just her shortie nightdress. I said good morning, she turns round, throws her arms round me and says "lets do it, right here right now", so we went at it on the kitchen table. Afterwards I said "christ, you must have been feeling horny", she said "actually no, but the egg-timers broken"

[dubai_phil]

The top 50 Jokes of all time

 

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/culture/theatre/comedy/8078185/Tommy-Cooper-dominates-list-of-best-jokes.html

 

TOP 50 JOKES OF ALL TIME

 

1. A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!" The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."

 

2. "I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a ****zu."

 

3. "Dyslexic man walks into a bra"

 

4. A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"

 

5. A classic Tommy Cooper gag "I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays", was fifth.

 

6. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off.

 

7. Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant.

 

8. Another one was: Doc, I can't stop singing the 'Green Green Grass of Home'. He said: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?'I asked. 'It's not unusual' he replied.

 

9. I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.

 

10. A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."

 

11. I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'Have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.

 

12. My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.

 

13. I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah; I thought, "He's trying to pull a fast one".

 

14. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

 

15. There's two fish in a tank, and one says "How do you drive this thing?"

 

16. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

 

17. When Susan's boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: "I love the simple things in life, but I don't want one of them for my husband".

 

18. "My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that."

 

19. I rang up British Telecom, I said, "I want to report a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again".

 

20. I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

 

21. A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything"

 

22. Slept like a log last night........ Woke up in the fireplace.

 

23. A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?"

 

24. A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here"

 

25. The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said "Did you get my drift?".

 

26. I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.

 

27. Went to the paper shop - it had blown away.

 

28. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

 

29. I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said, "Are you two an item?"

 

30. I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar.

 

31. So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".

 

32. Four fonts walk into a bar the barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here"

 

33. I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

 

34. There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

 

35. I went down the local supermarket, I said, "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said, "Those are pickled onions".

 

36. I backed a horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.

 

37. I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for! You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"

 

38. A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins, What a turtle disaster

 

39. My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know! If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

 

40. I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?" I said, "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".

 

41. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. But when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

 

42. I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel.

 

43. You see my next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.

 

44. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

 

45. I tried water polo but my horse drowned.

 

46. I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

 

47. So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Wedgie Kray.

 

48. Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners.

 

49. A seal walks into a club...

 

50. I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, 'Go to Bournemouth, it's great for flu'. So I went - and I got it.

[INFLUENCED.COM]

I asked the wife if she wanted to play Chilean Miners ? she said you want me to go down your shaft till I reach the bottom ? I said No....get out of my sight for 3 months

 

My sexy chinese neighbour said she was desperate for a roger, it was only when I had my trousers around my ankles and my nob out did I realise she wanted to rent out her spare room.

 

My teenage son has just told me he had sex last night for the first time with the neighbours daughter, I said well done but I hope you used something ? he said "Yeah, a balaclava"

[Redbul]

What have Pompey and the M62 have in common? They both end at Hull.

 

Here all week....!!!

[Redbul]

My missus says I'm immature and we should set aside a day so that we can talk.....!

Like that's gonna ****ing happen in the middle of conker season!

[dubai_phil]

An elderly, white-haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young blonde at his side.

He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."

At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," he said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "By cheque. I know you need to make sure my cheque clears so I'll write it now, and you can call the bank on Monday morning to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up on Monday afternoon," he said..

On Monday morning, the jeweller 'phoned the old man and said "Sir, there's no money in that account."

"I know," said the old man, "but let me tell you about my weekend!"

[dubai_phil]

I felt sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night.

 

He hypnotised 7 men and then dropped the microphone on his toe and yelled out "f**k me!!".

 

What happened next will haunt me forever....!!!

[scotty]

bloke on his deathbed, admits to his soon to be widow that he sh*gged her sister. I know, she says, why do you think I poisoned you....

[Redbul]

My wife's sister sat on my glasses and broke them earlier.

I was really ****ed off, though to be fair I should have taken them off first.

[badgerx16]

Young Paddy bought a donkey from a farmer for £100.

The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day he rang up Paddy and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The donkey has died.'

Paddy replied, 'Well then just give me my money back.'

The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I've already spent it.'

Paddy said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'

The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him?'

Paddy said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'

The farmer said, 'You can't raffle a dead donkey!'

Paddy said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'

A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'

Paddy said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two pounds a piece and made a profit of £898'

The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'

Paddy said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two pounds back.'

 

 

 

 

 

 

Paddy now works for the Royal Bank of Scotland.

[Redbul]

A woman has just looked through the window while I was having a w**k....

She slowly walked up to the window and mouthed the words "GET THE F*** OUT OF MY GARDEN!"

[Simples]

The local mosque is having a bonfire night tonight...

 

Don't tell them though. It's a surprise.

[scotty]

A woman has just looked through the window while I was having a w**k....

She slowly walked up to the window and mouthed the words "GET THE F*** OUT OF MY GARDEN!"

 

hah, reminds me of one from Viz, "I keep w*nking over my ex-girlfriend. I know its wrong but I've got a spare key and she's a heavy sleeper"

[hamster]

A Shrewsbury fan goes to a football match. 0-0 in the 91st minute, he is very excited, he thinks his team have won the world cup going by his behaviour.

 

Blankety Blank

[tpbury]

A Shrewsbury fan goes to a football match. 0-0 in the 91st minute, he is very excited, he thinks his team have won the world cup going by his behaviour.

 

Blankety Blank

 

I have a feeling you're looking for the 'Family Fortunes' sound, rather than the Blankety Blank one. Mind you, I can't remember what sound they did in Blankety Blank, more a bmbboooooooooo sound rather than a urgurgruurgruh errhghghgh sound. What do you think?

[INFLUENCED.COM]

Got this Eastern European girl to clean my flat, took her 5 days, turns out she's a Slovac

[Redbul]

Wife goes to the docs with her hubby for a check up. Afterwards the doc calls the wife in alone.

"Your husband is suffering from severe stress, do as I say and he may live; each morning give him oral sex, cook him a good meal every night, be pleasant at all times, don't nag him and give him full sex 3 times a week. In a few years he will be fully fit again."

On the way home the hubby asks, "What did the doc say?"

Wife replies, "You're gonna die!"

[tpbury]

I am that man

[acersaint]

Teacher: " Mary why are you crying?"

Mary: " I've just peed myself"

Teacher: " Why didn't you put your hand up?"

Mary: "I did but it trickled through my fingers!!"

 

BOOM BOOM

[dubai_phil]

French Ban Fireworks at Euro Disney

 

(AP), Paris , March 5, 2003

 

The French Government announced today that it is imposing a ban on the use

of fireworks at Euro Disney. The decision comes the day after a nightly

fireworks display at the park, located just 30 miles outside of Paris ,

caused the soldiers at a nearby French Army garrison to surrender to a group

of Czech tourists.

[dubai_phil]

5000 men were surveyed last week and asked why they liked blow jobs.

 

1% liked the warmth

2% liked the sensation

3% liked the eroticism

&

the other 94% just liked the peace and quiet

[dronskisaint]

Women are blessed with two sets of lips

 

One set to cause arguments, the other to apologise

 

But which is which...answers on a postcard!

[Redbul]

A magician on a cruise ship is constantly having his tricks spoilt by the ships parrot, every time he does a trick the parrot shouts "It's in his pocket", "4 of clubs", "It's got a false bottom!" etc etc.

The magician hates it. That night the ship sinks and him and the parrott cling to a piece of drift wood.

For four days the parrott says f*** all, just stares at him.

On the fifth day the parrott says "Ok, I give up, where's the ship?!"

[pedg]

Rick Astley asked to borrow some Pixar films. I said, "you can have Toy Story and Wall-E, but I'm never gonna give you Up."

[INFLUENCED.COM]

Scientists have found that women have the same DNA as shrimps....their heads are full of sh1t but their pink bits taste lovely

[dubai_phil]

A son asked his mother the following question, "Mom, why are wedding dresses white?"

The mother looks at her son and replies, "Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure."

The son thanks his mom and goes off to double-check this with his father, "Dad, why are wedding dresses white?"

The father looks at his son in surprise and says, "Son, all household appliances come in white

[scotty]

Woman gets home and catches her husband in bed with a female midget. Furious, she screams "you bastard, you promised never to cheat on me again", he says "give me some credit, at least I'm cutting down"

[dronskisaint]

Kate Middleton...the first person to squeeze a finger in to Diana's ring since Dodi Al Fayed:blush:

[Pancake]

Kate Middleton...the first person to squeeze a finger in to Diana's ring since Dodi Al Fayed:blush:

 

Had this this morning via text, but Dodi was replaced with "the French Coroner"

[lettuce]

I just got some of that new aftershave that smells of breadcrumbs, the birds love it!

[dubai_phil]

Marriage is like a deck of cards....................

 

 

In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond.

By the end.............

you'll wish you had a ****ing club and a spade.....

[West End Saint]

I took the shell off my racing Snail to see if it would make him faster but if anything it made him more Sluggish.

 

Took a dyslexic bird home last nite she ended up cocking my sock

 

Bloke came in the pub black top black shorts black socks whistle in his mouth I thought it's gonna kick off in a minute

[scotty]

I took the shell off my racing Snail to see if it would make him faster but if anything it made him more Sluggish.

 

 

 

 

 

Snails estate agents, slug comes in and says "I'm a first-time buyer"

[gaz]

They say onions are the only vegetables that can make you cry. Trust me, getting smacked round the head with a turnip will make your eyes water too.

[Secret Site Agent]

WAKING THE DEAD

 

One letter short of the most controversial programme on television.

[Secret Site Agent]

If you have a Parrot.......You are wasting your time unless you teach him to say:

 

'Help. They have turned me into a Parrot!!!!'