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TSM Crap Joke Suppository....

Redbul

By Redbul
in The Muppet Show

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scotty

scotty

Posted
Posted
"If we leave the EU, the £350 million saved each day can go to the NHS".

 

Unfortunately, there won't be any Poles or Romanians to do the work.

 

Fixed.

scotty

scotty

Posted
Posted
I was in the supermarket earlier today and the cashier asked the Polish couple in front if they wanted any help packing their bags.

 

I thought crikey, we only voted 2 days ago, give them a chance.

 

That is brilliant, consider it stolen. :lol:

  • 2 weeks later...
Upwind

Upwind

Posted
Posted

Before I got through to the Sea World booking line, I was asked to say "Jump through the hoop!".......... and "Do a flip!"

 

They said my call may be recorded for training porpoises.

Upwind

Upwind

Posted
Posted

I was in the pub with the Mrs last night and I said "I love you"..... She said "Is that you or the beer talking?"

 

I replied "It's me-talking to the beer"!

  • 3 weeks later...
Upwind

Upwind

Posted
Posted

A mate of mine went into W.H.Smith the other day.

"Do you have that new self help book for men with very small ****s?" he asked.

"Don't think its in yet" replies the assistant.

"Yea, that's the one" said my mate

scotty

scotty

Posted
Posted

My wife caught me in bed with a female midget.

 

"You absolute bastard!" she screamed. "You promised never to cheat on me again."

 

"Give me a bit of credit," I said. "At least I'm cutting down."

scotty

scotty

Posted
Posted

My German girlfriend likes to rate my sexual performance on a scale of 1 to 10.

 

Last night we tried anal for the first time. She kept yelling "9!" "9!"

 

 

I didn't even know she spoke English, but that's my best score yet.

OldNick

OldNick

Posted
Posted
My German girlfriend likes to rate my sexual performance on a scale of 1 to 10.

 

Last night we tried anal for the first time. She kept yelling "9!" "9!"

 

 

I didn't even know she spoke English, but that's my best score yet.

good one
Upwind

Upwind

Posted
Posted

I'm sick of all these people who think they are worse off than everyone else.

A mate of mine severed his vocal chords and lost both legs in a car accident

 

But he doesn't make a song and dance about it...

Upwind

Upwind

Posted
Posted

My doctor rang me the other day, he said my wifes test results had got mixed up with another patients.

"We don't know whether she's got Alzheimers disease or AIDS" says the doc.

"What shall I do?" asks I

"Well, I'm going to put her on the wrong bus. If she finds her way home don't **** her!" he replies

scotty

scotty

Posted
Posted

When the policeman arrived to arrest me for bestiality, all my girlfriend could do was just stand there and watch.

 

Then she wagged her tail, dropped her ball at his feet and barked.

scotty

scotty

Posted
Posted

"Could I have one of those leaflets about penis size?" I asked the receptionist. "As quickly as you can, I'm late for my appointment."

 

"How long have you got?" she asked.

 

I said "That's the one."

Upwind

Upwind

Posted
Posted

Just got some sausages from Sainsbury's with a picture of Jamie Oliver on the packet.

 

On the back it says 'P rick with a fork'.

 

 

Can't argue with that really..................

scotty

scotty

Posted
Posted

While Jim Appell struggled to check in to his French hotel, Gordon Morgan was desperately trying to order breakfast in his German one.

Hamilton Saint

Hamilton Saint

Posted
Posted

Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at the Café de Flore, revising his draft of "Being and Nothingness". He says to the waitress, "I'd like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream." The waitress replies, "I'm sorry, Monsieur, but we're out of cream. How about a cup of coffee with no milk?”

 

 

[And, of course, coffee with no milk always tastes better than coffee with no cream!]

John Boy Saint

John Boy Saint

Posted
Posted

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will try later now I have buggered up the page!!!!................... sorry[TABLE=width: 792]

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ashnats

ashnats

Posted
Posted

[TABLE=width: 792]

[TR]

[TD]
will try later now I have buggered up the page!!!!................... sorry[TABLE=width: 792]

[TR]

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[/TD]

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[/TD]

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I don't get it.

scotty

scotty

Posted
Posted

I was in a Norfolk cinema watching Back To The Future, and suddenly thought "bloody hell, he's going to f*ck his mother!!"

 

Luckily, the usher caught them and chucked them both out.

scotty

scotty

Posted
Posted

I was helping Justin Bieber to arrange his new song.

 

"What pitch should it be in?" he asked. "I'm thinking G for the verse and D for the chorus."

 

"I'd rather put you in A and E," I replied.

Upwind

Upwind

Posted
Posted

I was walking through Portsmouth today, when I was stopped by a representative from 'Aquafresh toothpaste'. "Did you know?" she said, "That the average person only brushes 30% of their teeth?"

 

"We're in Portsmouth" I replied, "The average person has only got 30% of their teeth!"

John Boy Saint

John Boy Saint

Posted
Posted

John was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He

began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second.

On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell

phone rang... It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in an

accident and was in critical condition in ICU.

 

The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be

there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what

was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf.

He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital.

He ended up playing all eighteen, finishing his round shooting a personal

best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous

best game by more than 10. He was jubilant....

Then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw

the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.

 

The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your

round of golf didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself!"

"While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club

your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and

finished that round because it will be more than likely your last! For the rest of her

life she will require round the clock care and you will be her care giver! She will

need IV's; you will have to change her colostomy bag every 3 hours; she will have

to be spoon fed 3 times a day and don't forget the hygiene care."

 

The man broke down and sobbed.

 

The doctor chuckled and said, "I'm just ****ing with you. She's dead. What'd you shoot?"

​

  • 2 weeks later...
Upwind

Upwind

Posted
Posted

"Mum! I'm going out!"

 

You're not leaving this house until you change that miniskirt!!

 

"Why?"

 

Because I can see your balls, Richard.

scotty

scotty

Posted
Posted

In bed with my girlfriend, I whispered "how would you like my ring on your finger?"

 

"Yes, of course I'll marry you," she beamed.

 

 

Nice girl, but she doesn't know much about foreplay.

  • 2 weeks later...
Upwind

Upwind

Posted
Posted

Man walks up to a woman at a bar and says "You know, tomorrow there'll only be seven planets".

 

Puzzled, the woman asks why.

 

He replies "Because tonight, darling, I'm going to destroy Uranus".

scotty

scotty

Posted
Posted

Sam Allardyce has been sacked for corruption as England manager.

 

He'll probably want to take a break until the fuss dies down. Might I suggest that Robert Maxwells yacht is still available for charter?

Upwind

Upwind

Posted
Posted

53,000 Geordies meet in St James Park for a "Geordies Are Not Stupid" convention. Alan Shearer addresses the crowd "We are all here today to prove to the world that Geordies are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer please?"

 

Gazza gingerly works his way through the crowd and steps up to the stage. Shearer asks him "What is 15 plus 15?" After 15 or 20 seconds Gazza says, "Eighteen!"

 

Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then the Geordies start chanting

 

"Give him another chance! Give him another chance!"

 

Shearer says "Well since we have a capacity crowd, world-wide press and global broadcast media here, I think we can give him another chance. So he asks "What is 5 plus 5?" After nearly 30 seconds he eventually says, "Ninety?" Shearer looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh. Everyone is disheartened and Gazza starts crying. But then the 53,000 Geordies begin to yell and wave their hands shouting

 

"Give him another chance! Give him another chance!"

 

Shearer, unsure whether he is now doing more harm than good eventually says, "What is 2 plus 2?

"Silence hangs over the stadium. Gazza closes his eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four?"

 

Pandemonium breaks out throughout the stadium as the Geordie crowd stand to a man, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream..............

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!"

Upwind

Upwind

Posted
Posted

Teacher draws a wee wee tail on the blackboard and asks the class,

"Does anyone know what this thing is?" Little billy shouts,

 

"yes sir, my dad has two of them"

 

 

"TWO?" enquires the teacher in surprise,

 

"yes sir, he has a small one for weeing and a big one for cleaning the babysitters teeth!

scotty

scotty

Posted
Posted

I thought my new girlfriend might be the one.

 

But after looking through her knicker drawer and finding a nurses uniform, a French maids outfit, and a policewomans uniform, I finally decided.

 

If she can't hold down a job, she's not for me.

scotty

scotty

Posted
Posted

The waiting room was full when the doctor came in and switched on his microphone.

 

"Could everyone with an appointment say 'ah'?" he said. So we all did.

 

"That's good, now take a deeper breath and repeat it," he told us.

 

"aaaah," we replied.

 

"Just once more, try to make it as long as you can.."

 

The others started going "aaaaaaah" while I raised my hand. "Is this really necessary?" I asked. "I've only got a sprained ankle."

 

"Surgery opens in five minutes," he replied. "I'm recording the soundtrack for the kitten clips on You've Been Framed."

  • 2 weeks later...
scotty

scotty

Posted
Posted

A glance over the shoulder, a flick of the hair and a lick of the lips can be the sexiest thing in the world.

 

But according to my doctor, it's not appropriate during a rectal exam.

Doctoroncall

Doctoroncall

Posted
Posted

Donald Trump goes on a fact-finding visit to Israel. While he is on a tour of Jerusalem he suffers a heart attack and dies. The undertaker tells the American Diplomats accompanying him, 'You can have him shipped home for $50,000, or you can bury him here, in the Holy Land for just $100.'

The American Diplomats go into a corner and discuss for a few minutes. They come back to the undertaker and tell him they want Donald shipped home.

The undertaker is puzzled and asks, 'Why would you spend $50,000 to ship him home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $100?

The American Diplomats replied, 'Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. We just can't take the risk.'

Upwind

Upwind

Posted
Posted

After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.

 

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, ‘Honey that was wonderful. Why did you stop?' To which he responded: 'I found the remote.'...

  • 2 weeks later...

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