Upwind Posted 4 June, 2014 Share Posted 4 June, 2014 I can't believe how many scousers are in the England squad Are we going to Brazil to try and win the world cup or just nick it..? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tony13579 Posted 5 June, 2014 Share Posted 5 June, 2014 Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge to market reproductive organs. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 9 June, 2014 Share Posted 9 June, 2014 "Oh, go on love," I pleaded. "Just the once, and it's my birthday tomorrow..." She thought for a moment, then said smoothly, "Ok, as it's your ultimate fantasy, I'll put on a lesbian show with Debbie for you." I gulped. "...BUT," she continued with a victorious smile, "only on one condition; that you do the same thing for me with your best mate." I scrambled for the phone. "Hi Dave," I gasped, "Listen, do you mind if Lisa watches us next time?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tpbury Posted 10 June, 2014 Share Posted 10 June, 2014 How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? It’s not hard. source: http://www.jokes4us.com/dirtyjokes/random/dirty538.html Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 10 June, 2014 Share Posted 10 June, 2014 How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? You get a feel for it. source: a warped and twisted mind Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PaulSaint Posted 11 June, 2014 Share Posted 11 June, 2014 A market researcher called at a house and his knock was answered by a young woman with three small children running around her. He asked her if she minded replying to his questions and she agreed. He asked her if she knew his company, Jones-Savoy. When she said no, he mentioned that among their many products was Vaseline and she certainly knew of that product. When asked if she used it, the answer was "Yes." Asked how she used it, she said, "To assist sexual intercourse." The interviewer was amazed. He said, "I always ask that question because everyone uses our product and they always say they use it for the child's bicycle chain, or the gate hinge; but I know that most use it for sexual intercourse. Since you've been so frank, could you tell me exactly how you use it?" "Yes, we put it on the doorknob to keep the kids out." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Big Bad Bob Posted 26 June, 2014 Share Posted 26 June, 2014 A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with the child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the England Football team, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Upwind Posted 27 June, 2014 Share Posted 27 June, 2014 What do you call an elephant you're ignoring...... Irrelephant. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Upwind Posted 27 June, 2014 Share Posted 27 June, 2014 It's Friday and I'm bored.................. A father sends his young son to bed..... Five minutes later.... "Da-ad...." "What?" "I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?" "No. You had your chance.... Lights out." Five minutes later..... "Da-aaaad....." "WHAT?" "I'm THIRSTY. Can I please have a drink of water??" "I told you NO!" If you ask again, I'll have to spank you..!!...." Five minutes later...... "Daaaa-aaaad....." "WHAT!" "When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mack rill Posted 5 July, 2014 Share Posted 5 July, 2014 Next weeks animal hostpital where Rolf Harris explains how to handle a young beaver, has apparently been cancelled. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tony13579 Posted 8 July, 2014 Share Posted 8 July, 2014 We had a nightmare traveling back from the US. One of the kids couldn't power up their etchasketch! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Upwind Posted 23 July, 2014 Share Posted 23 July, 2014 The editor of a newspaper in Wales was having a slow news day so he sent a junior reporter to a local villiage deep in the heart of Wales He decided to go to the Miner's Welfare Club and pick up some stories about mining He meets with Dai Evens, a 68 year old retired miner and talks about the old mining days. His conversation is interupted after 20 mins when the door opens and in walks Albert Smith, an elderly Englishman and also ex miner......... as Albert enters all the room stands up and applauds and a pint is thrust into his hand. Confused the report ask's why an Englishman in a traditional welsh village got a standing ovation and free beer? Dai informs him that the guy was the hero of a mining disaster some years before. The reporter is intrigued and thinking there may be a good story here, he ask's what happened. Dai explains that it happened 20 years ago when a mine collapsed and that Albert had saved 70 lives. How, enquired the reporter? Well said Dai, he held the roof of the mine up with his head for 2 hours and that is why he has got a flat head... Wow say's the reporter that's very brave of him... He looks and nods in the Englishman's direction and asks; Why has he got cauliflower ears Dai - did he play rugby also? No said Dai - thats where we knocked him into position... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Upwind Posted 23 July, 2014 Share Posted 23 July, 2014 I met an older woman at a bar last night. She wasn't bad for 59, we drank and flirted a bit, then she asked if I'd ever had the 'sportsman's double', a mother and daughter threesome? I said no. We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was my lucky night. I went with her back to her place. She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs: "Mom... you still awake?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notnowcato Posted 26 July, 2014 Share Posted 26 July, 2014 Why did the Saint cross the road? To go and play for Liverpool of course. Waah waah waaaaaah Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Saint in Paradise Posted 28 July, 2014 Share Posted 28 July, 2014 In Queensland The owner of a golf course on the Gold Coast was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, “You graduated from the University of Queensland and I need some help. If I was to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?” The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, “Everything but my earrings.” In Tasmania A senior citizen in Tasmania was overheard saying, “When the end of the world comes, I hope to be here.” When asked why, he replied, “I’d rather be in Tasmania ‘cause everything happens in Tasmania 20 years later than in the rest of the world.” In Western Australia A WA highway patrol pulled over a car on the main road. The copper asked, “Got any ID?” The driver replied, “about what?” In Victoria The copper pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his ute into the ditch. The copper asked, “Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don’t you see that sign right over your head.” “Yep,” he replied. “That’s why I’m dumpin’ it here, ‘cause it says: ‘Fine For Dumping Garbage.’” > Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 28 July, 2014 Share Posted 28 July, 2014 Late addition to the Commonwealth Games; the Southampton to Liverpool sprint. The new marathon takes in White Hart Lane as well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Upwind Posted 30 July, 2014 Share Posted 30 July, 2014 Heard my neighbour ****ging for what seemed like ages last night, moaning, groaning and banging the headboard off the wall. Turns out her elderly mother had fallen and cracked her head and was knocking the wall with her walking stick looking for help....... I fell a little bit guilty about the **** I had now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Upwind Posted 30 July, 2014 Share Posted 30 July, 2014 Say what you will about Ryanair, but their tight fuel reserve policy guarantees a search radius of not more than 50 miles if one of their planes went missing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Upwind Posted 30 July, 2014 Share Posted 30 July, 2014 Following a lot of research, the UK immigration officers have come up with the most foolproof plan ever to ensure that the immigrants to the country are culturally, economically and educationally compatible. It ensures greater harmony, seamless integration and lasting peace in the country. It's called 'The bacon sandwich test'...... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 1 August, 2014 Share Posted 1 August, 2014 My wife looked up from her computer. "What does 'teabagging' mean?" she frowned. "Jenny just tweeted some jokey comment about it." I explained it to her. "Yuck," she said, "how come you know that? Have you tried it?" "Yes," I admitted. "Years ago, long before I met you." "So what was it like?" she asked. "Quite exciting, actually" I replied. "But it took ages to get the taste out of my mouth." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 1 August, 2014 Share Posted 1 August, 2014 I nudged my wife in bed last night, and whispered "Did you know it's "National Orgasm Day?" "Oh, what a pity," she yawned, turning away. "Right in the middle of National Headache Week." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 8 August, 2014 Share Posted 8 August, 2014 A glossy black bird flew into my pub, and perched on the bar. "Good morning young fellow," I smiled, "and what can I get you? Lemonade?" Mimicking my voice, he said "Pint of Stella please mate, and a whisky chaser." "Sorry sonny," I replied. "We don't serve alcohol to mynahs." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lets B Avenue Posted 8 August, 2014 Share Posted 8 August, 2014 Oscar Pistorius has sacked his lawyer and appointed Ronny Deila, the Celtic manager, in his place. Said Pistorius. "He has just lost both legs, but somehow got away with it." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OldNick Posted 18 August, 2014 Share Posted 18 August, 2014 For Sale Wimbledon Royal box ticket. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OldNick Posted 18 August, 2014 Share Posted 18 August, 2014 For Sale Wimbledon Royal box ticket. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Upwind Posted 19 August, 2014 Share Posted 19 August, 2014 I've just been to my local takeaway and they tipped my balti straight from the pan into my carrier bag. I complained to the manager, but he said they're not allowed to put indians in containers any more..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 31 August, 2014 Share Posted 31 August, 2014 A young lad has gone missing from Southampton General Hospital. Anybody checked Anfield? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jjsaint Posted 19 September, 2014 Share Posted 19 September, 2014 What did the cowboy say at the car dealership? Audi! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Upwind Posted 24 September, 2014 Share Posted 24 September, 2014 They Say that there's a peeping tom in almost every street nowadays. I know for a fact that it's not the girl living opposite me. She just sits in her bedroom most of the time, playing on her phone and trying on clothes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Upwind Posted 24 September, 2014 Share Posted 24 September, 2014 I accidentally swallowed some Tipp-Ex last night. Woke up with a huge correction this morning... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Whitey Grandad Posted 26 September, 2014 Share Posted 26 September, 2014 A Primary Teacher explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan. She Asks her students to raise their hands if they too, are Liverpool fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher Looks at the girl with surprise and says, 'Mary, why didn't you raise your Hand?' 'Because I'm not a Liverpool fan,' she replied. The teacher, still shocked, asked, 'Well, if you are not an Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?' 'I am a Man Utd fan, and proud of it,' Mary replied. The teacher could not believe her ears. 'Mary, why, pray tell, are you a Man Utd fan?' 'Because my mum is a Man Utd fan, and my dad is a Man Utd fan, so I'm a Man Utd fan too!' 'Well,' said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, 'that is no reason for you to be a Man Utd fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all Of the time. What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug Addict, what would you be then?' 'Then,' Mary smiled, 'I'd be a Liverpool fan.' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sussexsaint Posted 26 September, 2014 Share Posted 26 September, 2014 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FloridaMarlin Posted 25 October, 2014 Share Posted 25 October, 2014 I see the man who invented anagrams has died. May he erect a penis. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 12 November, 2014 Share Posted 12 November, 2014 "This shirt was given to me by the current Polish international goalkeeper," I told the Chinese customer. "That is Artur Borucs!!" he replied. "No, it's true," I said. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lets B Avenue Posted 14 November, 2014 Share Posted 14 November, 2014 Jimmy Saville, Stuart Hall and DLT walk in to a bar in Dublin. The barman looks up and says "Not Yew Tree again!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pap Posted 14 November, 2014 Share Posted 14 November, 2014 Jimmy Saville, Stuart Hall and DLT walk in to a bar in Dublin. The barman looks up and says "Not Yew Tree again!" Mark Gatiss was on Richard Herring's podcast. He asked when YewTree was going to expand its remit beyond the 1975 Royal Variety Show Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PhilippineSaint Posted 22 November, 2014 Share Posted 22 November, 2014 A Catholic boy in confession says, “Bless me Father, I have sinned, I masturbated while thinking about my sister.” “That's a disgrace,” said the priest, “especially when you have two gorgeous brothers.” Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Cat Posted 23 November, 2014 Share Posted 23 November, 2014 I went to a pub quiz the other night where the winning team was full of Saints players. Their captain was the Fonte of all knowledge. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Redbul Posted 3 December, 2014 Author Share Posted 3 December, 2014 I’ll never forget how happy I was when I saw my missus walking down the aisle towards me; my heart was beating so fast, the expectation was unbearable. It seemed to take an eternity but eventually there she was stood beside me. I gave her a cheeky wink and said “Get that bloody trolley over here, they’re doing 3 crates of Stella for the price of 2!” Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Upwind Posted 10 December, 2014 Share Posted 10 December, 2014 Sooty has been arrested for sexually assaulting a minor in the late seventies!! Police also arrested Matthew Corbett; they suspect he had a hand in it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 12 December, 2014 Share Posted 12 December, 2014 Russell Brand deserves recognition for his contributions to comedy, literature, fashion, politics and philosophy. I'm hoping he'll soon get a title. Preferably "The Late". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lighthouse Posted 11 January, 2015 Share Posted 11 January, 2015 I got two minors on my driving test. They just ran out in front of my car, I couldn't brake in time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pap Posted 17 January, 2015 Share Posted 17 January, 2015 Borderline racist, but let's go. Englishman and Indian sat in a bar. English dude says "hur hur. We f#cked your country up for 300 years" Indian dude replies "we're going to f#ck your language up forever" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Big Bad Bob Posted 21 January, 2015 Share Posted 21 January, 2015 A byte walks into a bar and orders a beer with chaser "No problem" says the barman, "How's life treating you" he continues, being the friendly sort "I've got parity problems" responded the Byte "I did think you looked a bit off!" says the barman.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
explorer saint Posted 23 January, 2015 Share Posted 23 January, 2015 Wife's birthday booked a table and everything . On seeing it she burst into tears **** I forgotten she didn't like snooker Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lets B Avenue Posted 23 January, 2015 Share Posted 23 January, 2015 I've just got round to watching "The Fall" which I recorded before xmas. Gillian Anderson doesn't look anything like Mark E. Smith. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
badgerx16 Posted 2 February, 2015 Share Posted 2 February, 2015 Teacher: ‘Craig, you know you can't sleep in my class.' Craig: 'I know. But maybe if you were just a little quieter, I could.' -------------------- Stressing the importance of a good vocabulary, the teacher told her young charges, "Use a word ten times, and it shall be yours for life." From somewhere in the back of the room, came a small male voice chanting, "Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda." ------------------- Teacher: I want you to tell me the longest sentence you can think of Pupil: Life imprisonment! ------------------ Teacher: Why have you got cotton wool in your ears, do you have an infection? Pupil: Well you keep saying that things go in one ear and out the other so I am trying to keep it all in! ----------------- Kid comes home from 1st day at school. Mum asks, 'What did you learn today?' Kid replies, 'Not enough. I have to go back tomorrow.' ---------------- Pupil: Teacher, would you punish me for something I didn't do? Teacher: Of course not Pupil: Good, because I didn't do my homework --------------- The little boy wasn't getting good marks in school. One day he made the teacher quite surprised. He tapped her on the shoulder and said ..."I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't get better grades, somebody is going to get a spanking." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Upwind Posted 6 February, 2015 Share Posted 6 February, 2015 I just nipped in a Pakistani book shop & asked for the newly released book by Nigel Farage. The guy behind the counter said....... "Fook off & don't come back" I said, "That's the one, how much?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Upwind Posted 27 February, 2015 Share Posted 27 February, 2015 A woman takes her sixteen year old daughter to a doctor. The doctor says, “OK, Mrs. Jones, what’s the problem?” The mother says, “This is my daughter Frances. She keeps getting these cravings then she gets sick most of the mornings, but somehow she is still putting on weight.” The doctor gives Frances a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, “Well, I don’t know how to tell you this, but your Frances is pregnant – about four months would be my guess.” The mother replies, “Pregnant!?! She can’t be. She has never had sex, or even been left alone with a man! Frances?” Frances says, “No mother, I’ve never even kissed a man.” The doctor walks to the window and just stares out it. About five minutes pass and the mother asks impatiently, “Is there something wrong out there, Doctor?” The doctor replies, “No, nothing wrong. It’s just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I’ll be f*cked if I am going to miss it this time... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Upwind Posted 13 March, 2015 Share Posted 13 March, 2015 A friend has just bought a house with period features. I bet he doesn't call her that to her face though.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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