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TSM Crap Joke Suppository....

Redbul

By Redbul
in The Muppet Show

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Bearsy

Bearsy

Posted
Posted

I've got one for you! Tokyos & his father in law was in the bath & sucking off a clown, tokyos FiL said "Does this taste funny to you?" + tokyos said can i push ur stool in for you?

Tokyo-Saint

Tokyo-Saint

Posted
Posted

Top 5 Gay bear Jokes

 

1)Bearsy and 'friend' on holiday. Bearsy turns to friend and says "can I help you pack your shit?"

 

2) Bearsy's favorite film = A Few Good Men

 

3) Bearsy's favorite planet = Uranus

 

4) Bearsy's favorite animal is a rabbit cause he once found a hare up his arse

 

5) What does Bearsy call hemorrhoids? A: Speed bumps.

 

And today's bonus ball...

 

What does bearsy call a midget? A: A lowblow

OldNick

OldNick

Posted
Posted
is can i push ur stool in for you a common thing that people say in bars? I've been thinking about it + I've been to a lot of bars and it's not something that I've ever said. The occasion has never presented itself i spose! I mean i get that it is one of bletch's homonymual jokes but i think it's stretching credulity. If someone was in my way at the bar sitting on a stool i would not say can i push ur stool in for you, i would tap them on the shoulder and then i would glower at them till they moved out of my fucking way, cunts.
I have said it to ladies in bars before as I'm a gent, but after being slapped in the face many times I won't do so again
TwoPints

TwoPints

Posted
Posted

Picture the scene

 

You're stood on a hilltop looking at the view and in the distance you can see the sun rising above the snow covered mountains. A river runs through the valley and you then notice the Indian reservation with its multi coloured teepee's below you. Just then, the Indian Chief appears from the largest teepee with a tiny baby in his arms. As you watch, he holds the baby up to the sky and proudly declares:

 

"I NAME THIS CHILD RUNNING WATER"

 

A young brave standing close to the Chief approaches and says to him:

 

"You're really clever Chief... you name all of the babies in this camp ... how do you do it?"

"Its very simple" says the Chief "when I come out of the teepee with the child in my arms, I'll name it after the first thing I see"

"If I see the sun rising over the snow covered mountains , I might call it Rising Sun"

"If I see the river running along the valley, I might call it "Running Water" ....

"Why do you ask Two Dogs ****ing?"

scotty

scotty

Posted
Posted

Vladimir Putin claims that there is "anarchy in the Ukraine."

 

He should have announced it with a guitar riff, and Johnny Rotten on vocals.

tony13579

tony13579

Posted
Posted

My Nan used to say that she was never bothered by the blitz. She used to say that if a bomb had your name on it there was nothing you could do. Mr & Mrs Doodlebug in number 6 used to crap themselves!

tony13579

tony13579

Posted
Posted

WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?

A: It's the same as a French kiss, but 'downunder'.

 

Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?

A: Melt them down, make a tyre, and call it a Goodyear .

 

Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES ORIGINALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?

A: Because when they come, they're wet and wild, and when they go, they

take your house and car with them.

 

Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?

A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch...

Lazlo78

Lazlo78

Posted
Posted

Apologies if this has already been copy/pasted from some random website:

 

Fred was driving home from one of his business trips, in Northern Arizona, when he saw an elderly Navajo man walking on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, he stopped the car and asked the Navajo man if he would like a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the Indian got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Fred tried - in vain - to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo man.

The old man just sat silently, looking intently at everything he saw, studying every little detail, until he noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Fred.

"What in bag?" asked the old man.

Fred looked down at the brown bag and said: "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my wife."

The Navajo man was silent for another moment or two.

Then, speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, he said:

"Good Trade."

scotty

scotty

Posted
Posted

Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?

A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch...

 

 

Women wake up yawning, and men wake up with a hard-on.

 

Coincidence? I think not.

Halo Stickman

Halo Stickman

Posted
Posted

It’s Taff’s first day at work and Farmer Llewellyn sends him out to cut the grass. At the end of the day he checks to see how Taff has got on:

 

Farmer Llewellyn: Evening, Taff, looks like you’ve done a lovely job – no wait, look you, there’s a spot of grass in yonder valley completely un-cut. Why have you not cut the grass there, boyo?

 

Taff: See, Mister Llewellyn, that spot of grass has got great sentimental value to me.

 

Farmer Llewellyn: Great sentimental value to you, Taff? What on earth is that then, boyo?

 

Taff: See, Mister Llewellyn, that spot of grass is where I had my first experience of sexual intercourse.

 

Farmer Llewellyn: Your first experience of sexual intercourse, Taff? Well, I suppose I can understand why you haven’t cut that spot of grass. But wait, look you, I spy another spot of grass on yonder hillside you’ve left un-cut. Why have you not cut that spot, boyo?

 

Taff: See, Mister Llewellyn, that is where her mother stood and watched us.

 

Farmer Llewellyn: Her mother stood and watched you, Taff? In all my long years in the Valleys, I’ve never heard the like of that before. What on earth did she say to you, boyo?

 

Taff: See, Mr Llewellyn, she said: ‘Baaaaa Baaaaa’.

Special K

Special K

Posted
Posted

Joan Collins gets a new, much younger, boyfriend. She’s a bit worried about the state of her Clopper so she goes along to the Doctor to get herself tidied up down below. She insists on total privacy for the operation, so no-one must know it is happening. The Doc agrees.

She wakes up from the operation and sees 3 bunches of flowers at the foot of the bed. Believing word has got out, Joan goes crazy and starts to have a pop at the Doctor.

“Wait a moment” he says, “The first bunch is from me, we’ve been friends a long time. The second bunch is from Fiona. She’s my nurse assistant and I can assure you of her discretion.”

“What about the third?” asks Joan.

“That’s from Fred in the burns unit.”

“He wants to say thanks for his new ears”

scotty

scotty

Posted
Posted

Morrisons have announced a restructuring, in order to compete with Aldi and Lidl.

 

I'm delighted. Finally, they're moving upmarket.

Lighthouse

Lighthouse

Posted
Posted

Three logicians walk into a bar. The barman asks, "would all of you like a drink?"

The first one says, "I don't know."

The second one says, "I don't know."

The third one says, "yes."

Whitey Grandad

Whitey Grandad

Posted
Posted

Not bad, apart from the American spellings. And shouldn't it be 'don't care' rather than 'don't know' for the drinks? It's 50 years since my Latin O-level but wouldn't the Roman ask for a martinum?

Gingeletiss

Gingeletiss

Posted
Posted

The US Military has cancelled its multi billion dollar research and development program into the next generation

of stealth aircraft as they discover simply turning off the transponder has the same effect.

  • 2 weeks later...
Saint_Pedro

Saint_Pedro

Posted
Posted

A man and a boy go into a barbershop.

 

After getting his haircut, the man says, "Now cut the boy's hair too. I'll be back soon."

 

When he's finished cutting the boy's hair, the barber says, "When is your father coming back to pay?"

 

The boy says, "He's not my father. He met me in the street and asked if I wanted a free haircut."

Sevvy

Sevvy

Posted
Posted

Carol, a blonde city girl, marries a Cornish dairy farmer.

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, farmer John says to Carol, 'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the rail above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'

 

So then the farmer leaves for the fields.

 

After a while, the insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.

 

Carol takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one...right here.'

 

Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy blonde, the man asks,

 

'Tell me lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?'

 

'That's simple; by the nail over its stall', Carol explains very confidently.

 

Then the man asks, 'What's the nail for?'

She turns and starts to walk away and with complete confidence, says over her shoulder, ......

 

'I assume it's to hang your trousers on.'

scotty

scotty

Posted
Posted

I went into a dingy gym, and a huge bodybuilder sidled up to me.

 

"Are you the guy with the 'roids?" he asked furtively.

 

I said "no, I just didn't feel like sitting down."

  • 2 weeks later...
FloridaMarlin

FloridaMarlin

Posted
Posted

Apparently Danny Welbeck has a brother who is an army bomb disposal expert.

 

His name is Stan.

 

 

Also, Beyonce has discovered her real father was Roy Castle.

But she has decided not to use his surname.

Lighthouse

Lighthouse

Posted
Posted
Two men walk into a bar.

The first man orders some H2O.

The second says "sounds good, I'll have some H2O too"

The second man died.

 

Little doggy's dead and gone

He'll wag his tail no more

'Cos what he thought was H2O

Was H2SO4

Whitey Grandad

Whitey Grandad

Posted
Posted
Little doggy's dead and gone

He'll wag his tail no more

'Cos what he thought was H2O

Was H2SO4

 

Johnny, finding life a bore,

drank some H2SO4.

Johnny's father, an MD,

gave him CaCO3.

Now he's neutralised, it's true,

but he's full of CO2.

  • 2 weeks later...
Upwind

Upwind

Posted
Posted

The UK have decided to up their game for next years Eurovision.

 

The song isn't written yet but to maximise the chances of winning they are inviting early applications from

black, blind, lesbian, albino, transgender, paraplegic dwarves

 

... any applicants from Norfolk will automatically be accepted...

Upwind

Upwind

Posted
Posted

America are sending an elite unit to Nigeria to find the kidnapped schoolgirls.

 

Britain are sending Stuart Hall, Rolf Harris, Max Clifford and Dave Lee Travis.

  • 2 weeks later...
Sevvy

Sevvy

Posted
Posted

Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife, Carolyn that

the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.

Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him.

Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.

Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said, 'Honey, now I only have

18 hours left to live maybe we could make love again?'

Carolyn agreed and again they made love.

Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight

hours of life left.

He touched Carolyn's shoulder and said,

'Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die.'

She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.

Barry, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and

turned until he was down to only four more hours.

He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. 'Honey, I only have

four hours left! Could we...?'

His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said,

 

'Listen Barry, I'm not being funny...

 

..but I have to get up in the morning and you don't.'

 

 

Paddy goes into a Dublin Florist shop and says,

"I would like to buy a bunch of flowers for my girlfriend".

The florist looked at him and says, "Certainly sir, what is it you're after?"

"A ****," Paddy replies.

 

 

THE EXPLANATION,

The mother-in-law arrives home from shopping to find her son-in-law

Paddy in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.

 

"What happened Paddy ?" she asks anxiously.

 

"What happened!! I'll tell you what happened. I sent an email to my wife

(your daughter) telling her I was coming home today from my fishing

trip. I get home... and guess what I found? Yes, your daughter, my wife

Jean, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable,

the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"

 

"Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy!" says his mother-in-law. "There

is something very odd going on here. My daughter would never do such a

thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately

and find out what happened."

 

Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.

"Paddy. I told you there must be a simple explanation ....

 

She never got your E-mail!"

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