Redbul Posted 28 June, 2010 Author Share Posted 28 June, 2010 Why did the chicken cross the road? According to FIFA it didn't.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ohwhenthesaints Posted 28 June, 2010 Share Posted 28 June, 2010 Did it commit a fowl then? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sevvy Posted 30 June, 2010 Share Posted 30 June, 2010 England have arranged 3 more friendlies now they are back from the world cup. 1st they play Iceland. Then Tesco's and then Asda Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Redbul Posted 30 June, 2010 Author Share Posted 30 June, 2010 I had to go the doctor's today and he told me that I have Rob Green disease. No idea how I caught that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Durleyfos Posted 1 July, 2010 Share Posted 1 July, 2010 TV producers have ruled out making a series of CSI Portsmouth as they say all the residents have the same DNA and there are no dental records. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dog Posted 6 July, 2010 Share Posted 6 July, 2010 "Doctor Doctor, I think I might have malaria." "Right Miss Cole, I'm going to need to see your vagina." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ericofarabia Posted 7 July, 2010 Share Posted 7 July, 2010 "Doctor Doctor, I think I might have malaria." "Right Miss Cole, I'm going to need to see your vagina." Didn't she divorce him ? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tpbury Posted 7 July, 2010 Share Posted 7 July, 2010 A murderer with multiple personalities has escaped from prison. Police describe him as a disparate man. I have posted this before and it wasn't funny then either, but I made this joke up when I was about 10 and it the only thing I have ever been proud of. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
saint_stevo Posted 7 July, 2010 Share Posted 7 July, 2010 fair play to Emile Heskey, granted he was crap at the World Cup, but it took some guts to pull that dress on and go out and win Wimbledon Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lets B Avenue Posted 8 July, 2010 Share Posted 8 July, 2010 Michael O'Leary (CEO RyanAir) walks into a bar. "Pint of Guinness, please." "Certainly, sir. Says the Barmaid. "That will be 50p" "Well thats most reasonable" says he. "And would sir like it in a glass." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Redbul Posted 14 July, 2010 Author Share Posted 14 July, 2010 At the restaurant last night, my companion asked me if I wanted to 'go Dutch' on the bill. So I raked my studs down her chest, argued with the waiters, and left in tears. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Redbul Posted 16 July, 2010 Author Share Posted 16 July, 2010 Bruce was arrested for punching his wife again. The judge asked him "Why do you keep beating her?" Bruce answered "Well, I think it's my weight advantage, longer reach and superior footwork...." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thedelldays Posted 24 July, 2010 Share Posted 24 July, 2010 The Catholic Church are against gay sex because it's unnatural...........Yeah, and walking on fecking water isn't? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 24 July, 2010 Share Posted 24 July, 2010 just got back from court, I drove into the car in front on a country road. The woman driving it got out of her car and said "fancy ramming me up the ar5e", and thats where the misunderstanding occurred, your honour Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Redbul Posted 28 July, 2010 Author Share Posted 28 July, 2010 So I went into the forecourt shop and said "Please may I have a KitKat Chunky?" The lady behind the till puts a KitKat Chunky down on the counter so I said "No, I wanted a normal KitKat, Fatty!!!!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thedelldays Posted 2 August, 2010 Share Posted 2 August, 2010 See there was an exorcism conducted in Ireland... The mother had to call the devil in, to get the priest out of her son.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thedelldays Posted 2 August, 2010 Share Posted 2 August, 2010 I pulled an 9 inch knife on a woman last night on seeing this knife she said "fuk me"..great I thought...no need to use the knife Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Redbul Posted 2 August, 2010 Author Share Posted 2 August, 2010 Experts are worried about the mental state of President Obama after he pledged millions of dollars of aid to Northern Ireland following the tragedy of Hurricane Higgins. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dubai_phil Posted 9 August, 2010 Share Posted 9 August, 2010 A married couple goes to a marriage counselor to work out some problems. The counselor sits them on the couch and says "Let's start by talking about what you both have in common." The husband says "Well for starters, neither one of us sucks ****." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Redbul Posted 18 August, 2010 Author Share Posted 18 August, 2010 Woman says to her husband "You only want sex after you've been drinking...." "That's not true!" he says, "Sometimes I want a kebab....." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thedelldays Posted 18 August, 2010 Share Posted 18 August, 2010 what do you call a whore with two d1cks......? N-Dubz Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Johnny Shearer Posted 18 August, 2010 Share Posted 18 August, 2010 How do you make a bear cross? Just nail two together. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Durleyfos Posted 19 August, 2010 Share Posted 19 August, 2010 When David Cameron became PM, he said he would flush the Taliban out of Pakistan. Not ****ing around, is he? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ohwhenthesaints Posted 19 August, 2010 Share Posted 19 August, 2010 A man who works in the Carphone Warehouse got a text from his daughter which said "Dadthespacebuttononmyphonedoesn'twork,pleasecanyougivemeanalternative". As he rushed home he couldn't help but think, what does "ternative" mean? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hamster Posted 19 August, 2010 Share Posted 19 August, 2010 How do you make a Hormone? Don't pay her. or Kick her in the ****. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dubai_phil Posted 23 August, 2010 Share Posted 23 August, 2010 (edited) For our golfers You may not know it, but I have been very busy over the last couple of months putting my thoughts and ideas together into a book. I am very proud of the results and, in order to market the publication, I am asking friends and family to assist. The book is on golf... I believe it gives the reader valuable playing tips and insider information that I have gained through my years of experience. The book is only £49.95 and can be ordered by simply replying to this email with the appropriate credit card info. Highlights include Chapter 1 - How to Properly Line Up Your Fourth Putt Chapter 2 - How to Hit a Maxfli from the Rough When You Hit a Titleist from the Tee Chapter 3 - How to Avoid the Water When You Lie 8 in a Bunker (also see Chapter 9 ) Chapter 4 - How to Get More Distance off the Shank Chapter 5 - When to Give the Ranger the Finger Chapter 6 – Using Your Shadow on the Greens to Maximize Earnings Chapter 7 - When to Implement Handicap Management Chapter 8 - Proper Excuses for Drinking Beer Before 9:00 a.m. Chapter 9 - How to Find That Ball That Everyone Else Saw Go in the Water Chapter 10- How to Relax When You Are Hitting Three off the Tee Chapter 11- When to Suggest Major Swing Corrections to Your Opponent Chapter 12- When to Re-grip Your Ball Retriever Also includes the latest GOLF terms A Paris Hilton - an expensive hole A Diego Maradonna - a very nasty 5 footer A Salman Rushdie - an impossible read A Rio Ferdinand - Lipped out A Rock Hudson - thought it was straight, but it wasn't A Cuban - needs one more revolution An Elton John - a big bender that lips the rim An Adolf Hitler - two shots in the bunker A Yasser Arafat - ugly and in the sand A Kate Winslett - a bit fat but otherwise perfect A Kate Moss - bit thin A Gerry Adams - playing a Provisional A Rodney King - over-clubbed An O. J. Simpson - got away with it A Princess Grace - should have taken a driver A Princess Di - shouldn't have taken a driver A Ladyboy - looks like an easy hole but all is not what it seems An elephant's arse - high and ****ty A condom - safe but didn't feel real good A circus tent - a BIG top An Anna Kournikova - looks great, but unlikely to get a result A Vinnie Jones - nasty kick when you're not expecting it A Ryanair - flies well but lands a long way from the target A sister-in-law - up there but I know that I shouldn't be Edited 26 August, 2010 by dubai_phil Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dubai_phil Posted 23 August, 2010 Share Posted 23 August, 2010 :: The Top 10 funniest jokes from the Fringe Festival: 1. Tim Vine: ''I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.'' 2. David Gibson (as Ray Green): ''I'm currently dating a couple of anorexics. Two birds, one stone.'' 3. Emo Philips: ''I picked up a hitchhiker. You gotta when you hit them.'' 4. Jack Whitehall: ''I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say 'bought' - I actually stole it off a short, fat ginger kid.'' 5. Gary Delaney: ''As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn't afford a dog.'' 6. John Bishop: ''Being an England supporter is like being the over-optimistic parents of the fat kid on sports day.'' 7. Bo Burnham: ''What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch? Names.'' 8. Gary Delaney: ''Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it's what he would have wanted.'' 9. Robert White: ''For Vanessa Feltz, life is like a box of chocolates - empty.'' 10. Gareth Richards: ''Wooden spoons are great. You can either use them to prepare food, or if you can't be bothered with that, just write a number on one and walk into a pub.'' :: Jokes nominated by judges as the worst at the Fringe included: Sara Pascoe: ''Why did the chicken commit suicide? To get to the other side.'' Sean Hughes: ''You know city-centre beat officers... Well are they police who rap?'' Gyles Brandreth: ''I've got nothing against lesbians. I mean, that's the point isn't it?'' Doc Brown: ''I was born into the music industry. My dad worked in Our Price.'' John Luke Roberts: ''I made a Battenberg where the two colours ran alongside each other. I called it apartheid sponge.'' Sarah Millican: ''I bought a cross-trainer to keep fit. I suppose that it's not enough to just buy it.'' Bec Hill: ''Some of my best friends are vegan. They were going to come today but they didn't have the energy to climb up the stairs.'' Dan Antopolski: ''How many Spaniards does it take to change a lightbulb? Juan.'' Andi Osho: ''Floella Benjamin is in the House of Lords. How did she get in, through the round window?'' Gareth Richards: ''My mother is always taking photographs of me - she said if you disappear tomorrow I want you to look good on the news.'' Emo Phillips: ''I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them.'' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joe Kirkup Posted 25 August, 2010 Share Posted 25 August, 2010 Two fish in a tank one says "you drive, I'll man the gun " Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Upwind Posted 26 August, 2010 Share Posted 26 August, 2010 For our golfers You may not know it, but I have been very busy over the last couple of months putting my thoughts and ideas together into a book. I am very proud of the results and, in order to market the publication, I am asking friends and family to assist. The book is on golf... I believe it gives the reader valuable playing tips and insider information that I have gained through my years of experience. The book is only £49.95 and can be ordered by simply replying to this email with the appropriate credit card info. Highlights include Chapter 1 - How to Properly Line Up Your Fourth Putt Chapter 2 - How to Hit a Maxfli from the Rough When You Hit a Titleist from the Tee Chapter 3 - How to Avoid the Water When You Lie 8 in a Bunker (also see Chapter 8 ) Chapter 4 - How to Get More Distance off the Shank Chapter 5 - When to Give the Ranger the Finger Chapter 6 – Using Your Shadow on the Greens to Maximize Earnings Chapter 7 - When to Implement Handicap Management Chapter 8 - Proper Excuses for Drinking Beer Before 9:00 a.m. Chapter 9 - How to Find That Ball That Everyone Else Saw Go in the Water Chapter 10- How to Relax When You Are Hitting Three off the Tee Chapter 11- When to Suggest Major Swing Corrections to Your Opponent Chapter 12- When to Re-grip Your Ball Retriever Also includes the latest GOLF terms A Paris Hilton - an expensive hole A Diego Maradonna - a very nasty 5 footer A Salman Rushdie - an impossible read A Rio Ferdinand - Lipped out A Rock Hudson - thought it was straight, but it wasn't A Cuban - needs one more revolution An Elton John - a big bender that lips the rim An Adolf Hitler - two shots in the bunker A Yasser Arafat - ugly and in the sand A Kate Winslett - a bit fat but otherwise perfect A Kate Moss - bit thin A Gerry Adams - playing a Provisional A Rodney King - over-clubbed An O. J. Simpson - got away with it A Princess Grace - should have taken a driver A Princess Di - shouldn't have taken a driver A Ladyboy - looks like an easy hole but all is not what it seems An elephant's arse - high and ****ty A condom - safe but didn't feel real good A circus tent - a BIG top An Anna Kournikova - looks great, but unlikely to get a result A Vinnie Jones - nasty kick when you're not expecting it A Ryanair - flies well but lands a long way from the target A sister-in-law - up there but I know that I shouldn't be Really good. Can I suggest an addition A Jordan – in the thick rough A Victoria Beckham - looks OK from afar, but no so good up close there is bound to be loads more....... I'll think on By the way Chapter 3 - where it says refering to Chapter 8 - should this not be Chapter 9? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hamster Posted 26 August, 2010 Share Posted 26 August, 2010 /\....... Women Golfers - Haemarhoids (they come out in bunches and are a pain in the ****ing arse) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sevvy Posted 27 August, 2010 Share Posted 27 August, 2010 Woman walks into a pet shop and says to storeman i d like to buy a canary for my son, Certainley madam they are down the end in a big cage just pick the one you want, but only the ones on the floor of the cage. Why is that said the woman, The store keeper replied. Because the other one are on Higher perches Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Redbul Posted 31 August, 2010 Author Share Posted 31 August, 2010 New on Channel 4..... Coming live and uninterrupted from Chile: 33 contestants; 4 months; 1 cave..... DIG BROTHER!!!! Sorry, that joke is the pits... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
INFLUENCED.COM Posted 1 September, 2010 Share Posted 1 September, 2010 I just opened my wheelie bin and a wasp flew out, what kind of sick bstard puts a wasp in a bin Don't understand all this fuss over Mary Bale, you see a pussy, stroke it, play with it then bin it, ive been doing it for years 33 miners trapped underground ? Sounds like Fritzl upped his game My girlfriend broke up with me, she reckons i'm too kinky for her in the bedroom..........I nearly choked on her sh!t when she told me Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jones91 Posted 2 September, 2010 Share Posted 2 September, 2010 I've just made a video of my missus w4nking me off with her toes. The footage was amazing! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hamster Posted 2 September, 2010 Share Posted 2 September, 2010 I've just made a video of my missus w4nking me off with her toes. The footage was amazing! How the heck did you operate the little buttons with your toes? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jones91 Posted 3 September, 2010 Share Posted 3 September, 2010 I was born cesarean and it has affected me for most of my lfie. Sometimes even now I try to climb out of the sunroof when getting out of the car... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CB Saint Posted 3 September, 2010 Share Posted 3 September, 2010 Really good. Can I suggest an addition A Jordan – in the thick rough A Victoria Beckham - looks OK from afar, but no so good up close there is bound to be loads more....... I'll think on By the way Chapter 3 - where it says refering to Chapter 8 - should this not be Chapter 9? A Sally Gunnell - Pretty ugly but keeps on running Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Redbul Posted 8 September, 2010 Author Share Posted 8 September, 2010 A man comes home from work and finds his mate ****ging his missus. So outraged is he that he stabs is mate to death. His missus says "F***in' carry on like that you'll have no mates left!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Big John Posted 8 September, 2010 Share Posted 8 September, 2010 A man comes home from work and finds his mate ****ging his missus. So outraged is he that he stabs is mate to death. His missus says "F***in' carry on like that you'll have no mates left!" Wrong thread, that is a good joke, I will use that. A crap joke: I went to a bar tonight, I noticed this old boy about 75-80 years sitting all alone in the corner and he was crying over his ****tail. I stopped and asked him what was wrong. He said: "I have a 22 year old lover at home. I met him a month or so ago, right here in this very bar!" He continued; "He makes love to me every morning and then he makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground, brewed coffee." I said: "Well, then why are you crying?" He said: "He feeds my pet hamster, leaves little notes in my lunchbox and then at weekends we stay in bed and make love in between cups of tea. He is a really big Saints fan, I love it when he comes home after they have won, we always get a celebratory bottle of wine and have sex into the early hours" I said: "Well, so WHY are you crying?" He said: "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then he makes love to me on the sofa whilst we watch Kylie videos." I said: "Well, for goodness sakes! Why in the world would you be CRYING!" And he said: "I CAN'T REMEMBER WHERE I LIVE!" Not as you may think a 'gay' joke but a humourous insight into the world of someone with Alzheimer's. Humourous moments are rare living with a Mum or dad or Wife/Husband, but they are precious. The hidden and forgotten elderly in our Society - As anyone has been touched by Alzheimer's will confirm, the care of OUR elderly is falling far short of what we should accept yet it is actually getting worse. This government had better watch which way this institutionalised neglect of it's citizens is heading. BASTARDS. PROTEST. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
INFLUENCED.COM Posted 9 September, 2010 Share Posted 9 September, 2010 Dear Colleen If you want to get your own back give me a call Love John Terry Man Utd players had an 1980's car themed party last week.....Giggs came in a Capri, Scholes in a Granada and Rooney cum in a £1200Escort. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Redbul Posted 20 September, 2010 Author Share Posted 20 September, 2010 Walking to work this morning and someone chucked a bag of cheese at me. I thought "That's not very mature...." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Redbul Posted 21 September, 2010 Author Share Posted 21 September, 2010 40 Skates arrive at the Pearly Gates in their Transit vans and caravans. St Peter goes into the gatehouse and phones up God, saying. 'I've got 40 P*mpey here. Can I let them in?' God says 'We are over quota on Skates. Go out and tell them to choose between them which are the 12 most worthy and I will let just the dozen in.' Less than a minute later St Peter is on the phone to God again. 'They've gone', he tells God. 'What?' says God, 'All 40 of them?' 'No, the bloody gates!' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Redbul Posted 27 September, 2010 Author Share Posted 27 September, 2010 Builder on a 3rd floor forgot to bring his saw up with him. He shouts down to his mate but his mate can't hear him. So he does sign language. He points to his eye (i), his knee (need) & moves his hand back and forth in a saw motion. His mate nods, pulls down his pants and starts w*nking. Furious, the builder runs downstairs, 'What the hell are you doin', I said I need my saw!' 'I know,' says his oppo 'Just letting you know I was cummin....! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
buctootim Posted 27 September, 2010 Share Posted 27 September, 2010 Did you hear about the man who died of asbestosis? Took them three days to cremate him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sevvy Posted 28 September, 2010 Share Posted 28 September, 2010 Driving through Wales i saw a bloke up behind a sheep I Said " are you shearing" He replied " no find your own b4st4rd" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Redbul Posted 29 September, 2010 Author Share Posted 29 September, 2010 The police came to my door last night holding a picture of my wife. "Is this your wife sir?" they asked me. Shocked, I replied "Yes." They said "I'm afraid it looks like your wife has been in a car accident". I said "I know, but she has a lovely personality...." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JustMike Posted 1 October, 2010 Share Posted 1 October, 2010 News For All F1 Fans!! Glasgow Boys join Ferrari. "The Ferrari F1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday." This announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British government's 'Work for your Dole' scheme and employ some Glasgow youngsters. The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Castlemilk were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech equipment. It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management team as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an advantage overevery other team. However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for! At the crew's first practice session, not only was the Glasgow pit crew able to change all four wheels in under 6 seconds but, within 12 seconds, they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the Mclaren team for 8 cases of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of Lewis Hamilton's bird in the shower. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Redbul Posted 3 October, 2010 Author Share Posted 3 October, 2010 So Ed Millerband has won the Labour leadership contest, with best wishes from his brother David Millerband. As yet there's no word from the third brother, Glenn. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 3 October, 2010 Share Posted 3 October, 2010 My girlfriend just ditched me after she caught me in bed with her sister. Cant believe she'd be so jealous of a 12 year old...... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tpbury Posted 6 October, 2010 Share Posted 6 October, 2010 Watch out, some of these jokes are quite funny! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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