solentstars Posted 10 October, 2013 Posted 10 October, 2013 [h=5]paddy decides to take up boxing and goes for the required medical. A few days later the doctor ‘phones and says “Paddy, you realise you’ve got sugar diabetes.” Paddy says, “Nice one, when do I fight him?”[/h]
scotty Posted 17 October, 2013 Posted 17 October, 2013 In the wake of Roy Hodgson's "feed the monkey" jibe about Andros Townsend, Glenn Hoddle has commented that Hodgson must have done something wrong in a previous life to deserve his speech impediment.
hutch Posted 17 October, 2013 Posted 17 October, 2013 An oldie I know, but anyway... I got a bill from my exorcist this morning. He said if I don't pay him by the weekend he'll repossess my house.
CB Saint Posted 18 October, 2013 Posted 18 October, 2013 Two monkeys in a bath, One says "ooo-aaaa-aaaa-aaa-ooo" The other one says "...well put some more cold in then
ZepSaint Posted 18 October, 2013 Posted 18 October, 2013 Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned
scotty Posted 27 October, 2013 Posted 27 October, 2013 I'm switching off the Formula 1. Its all over bar the krauting.
Gingeletiss Posted 27 October, 2013 Posted 27 October, 2013 I have just finished Sir Alex Ferguson's autobiography, but then found an extra six pages, of no relevance whatsoever.
Saint in Paradise Posted 30 October, 2013 Posted 30 October, 2013 A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune. 'Well,' said the clerk, 'I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give blow jobs!' 'Blow jobs!' the woman replied. It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month,' he said. The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true... No more blow jobs for her! She bought the frog. When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off!... The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need t o perform this less than riveting act again. In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cook books. 'What are you two doing at this hour?' she asked. The husband replied, 'If I can teach this frog to cook... you're gone.'
Saint in Paradise Posted 30 October, 2013 Posted 30 October, 2013 A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune. 'Well,' said the clerk, 'I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give blow jobs!' 'Blow jobs!' the woman replied. It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month,' he said. The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true... No more blow jobs for her! She bought the frog. When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off!... The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need t o perform this less than riveting act again. In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cook books. 'What are you two doing at this hour?' she asked. The husband replied, 'If I can teach this frog to cook... you're gone.'
scotty Posted 1 November, 2013 Posted 1 November, 2013 As a bad flier, shortly after take-off I was so nervous I suddenly needed a pee. I also wanted a brandy to settle my nerves. Sweating, I left my seat and started up the aisle. "Is there anything you need, sir?" asked a stewardess. "...a...a loo and a bar," I stammered. And that's when they all jumped on me.
Big Bad Bob Posted 1 November, 2013 Posted 1 November, 2013 As a bad flier, shortly after take-off I was so nervous I suddenly needed a pee. I also wanted a brandy to settle my nerves. Sweating, I left my seat and started up the aisle. "Is there anything you need, sir?" asked a stewardess. "...a...a loo and a bar," I stammered. And that's when they all jumped on me. I don't get it I think it's supposed to represent what the suicide bombers say when they blow themselves up "Allah Akhbar". However the racist undertones that it is only Muslims that are suicide bombers...................... Took me a while to get it too...
scotty Posted 1 November, 2013 Posted 1 November, 2013 (edited) I think it's supposed to represent what the suicide bombers say when they blow themselves up "Allah Akhbar". However the racist undertones that it is only Muslims that are suicide bombers...................... Took me a while to get it too... Nothing racist about it, I didn't say or even imply that it was a Moslem on the plane. And yes, its a play on "allahu akhbar". Edited 2 November, 2013 by scotty
Lighthouse Posted 1 November, 2013 Posted 1 November, 2013 Ive just bought a can of deodorant and the instructions say 'twist cap and push up bottom.' It hurts a bit but my farts smell great.
Lighthouse Posted 1 November, 2013 Posted 1 November, 2013 Ive just bought a can of deodorant and the instructions say 'twist cap and push up bottom.' It hurts a bit but my farts smell great.
buctootim Posted 1 November, 2013 Posted 1 November, 2013 I can't see those guns made on 3D printers catching on. If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
tony13579 Posted 2 November, 2013 Posted 2 November, 2013 R. I. P. George Michael. Sadly George was hit by kids throwing stuff around in a London tower block. Apparently a chocolate bar flew out an open window and hit George 13 floors below. It was a Careless Wisper.
Upwind Posted 4 November, 2013 Posted 4 November, 2013 My wife walked into the bedroom as I was fookin her twin. 'How could you do that to me' she screamed? 'Sorry - I can't tell the two of you apart' I said defensively. 'He's my flipping brother you *****.'
scotty Posted 8 November, 2013 Posted 8 November, 2013 The Palestinians have accused Israel of assassinating Yasser Arafat. The evidence is compelling. That polonium was kosher.
Upwind Posted 15 November, 2013 Posted 15 November, 2013 I'm fed up with people calling at my door collecting for all sorts of charities. Only last night a young lady was at my door asking for donations for the local sperm bank......... I gave her a right mouthful!
scotty Posted 16 November, 2013 Posted 16 November, 2013 The door burst open, my wife stormed in and caught me sh*gging her mother. "You bastard," she screamed, aiming a punch at me. "I always knew you fancied her, but I only asked you to drop in and see how she was." "I couldn't help myself... " I whimpered. "And besides, she was already dead when I got here."
scotty Posted 17 November, 2013 Posted 17 November, 2013 With a dramatic sweep of his arm, David Cameron concluded ".....and should this girl, my daughter, be at the age of consent in only five years time?" "She's not here, Dave." interrupted Samantha. "We left her in the pub."
ericofarabia Posted 17 November, 2013 Posted 17 November, 2013 Ladies - if a man says he'll fix it, he will. There's no need to remind him every six months about it.
Upwind Posted 18 November, 2013 Posted 18 November, 2013 Did anyone else see the irony in the BBC hosting a 'Children in Need' evening...............
Upwind Posted 18 November, 2013 Posted 18 November, 2013 The Filipino Government have thanked the British authorities for the rescue dogs they sent out after the hurricane.............. they said they were delicious.
Upwind Posted 18 November, 2013 Posted 18 November, 2013 The Philippine floods are getting worse.............. One young lady from Manilla interviewed on Sky News, was heard to say the water was right up to her boll0cks...
Big Bad Bob Posted 18 November, 2013 Posted 18 November, 2013 What's a seal's least favourite drink? Canadian club on the rocks
Upwind Posted 21 November, 2013 Posted 21 November, 2013 A woman walks into a chemists and asks, "Do you have any Viagra?" The chemist nods and says "Yes". The lady asks, "Does it work?" "It certainly does" comes the response. She enquires, "Can you get it over the counter?" The chemist says......... "I can, if I take two"..
scotty Posted 21 November, 2013 Posted 21 November, 2013 I'm not looking for sympathy. But my ringtone is "Hearts and Flowers".
Upwind Posted 27 November, 2013 Posted 27 November, 2013 My wife took us to see the Red Arrows. There were gasps of oooh and ahhh as the crowd watched in amazement. There were plenty of near misses and this had some people covering their eyes and shaking their heads in disbelief. It was a good half hour worth of entertainment, but in the end she finally managed to park the car and we made our way to the air show.
Upwind Posted 3 December, 2013 Posted 3 December, 2013 I nearly got in a fight in the pub the other night, a red tarmac road kept trying to start on me. My mate said, "don't mess with him, he's a cyclepath".
Big Bad Bob Posted 3 December, 2013 Posted 3 December, 2013 I see the cleaning lady from the Clutha has been sacked... She left the landing light on..
scotty Posted 3 December, 2013 Posted 3 December, 2013 Someone just posted this on sicki, and hey presto... a Saints reference, we have finally reached the big time!!!! (..and no, it wasn't me.) Southampton boss Mauricio Pochettino told the press he couldn't say how long Arthur Boruc would be sidelined for. Probably because he can't speak f*cking English.
mack rill Posted 3 December, 2013 Posted 3 December, 2013 Bar staff wanted in Glasgow. Must be able to work on a rotor.
Tokyo-Saint Posted 3 December, 2013 Posted 3 December, 2013 Bar staff wanted in Glasgow. Must be able to work on a rotor. Reported!
saintbletch Posted 4 December, 2013 Posted 4 December, 2013 It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Cokey, but I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
Upwind Posted 6 December, 2013 Posted 6 December, 2013 I've had enough of Christmas. All year long I work my ******* fingers to the bone to buy all the presents that the kids ask for. And what happens Christmas morning? - that fat fooker with a beard gets all the credit..! Still I suppose it's my own fault for marrying her.....
mcjwills Posted 6 December, 2013 Posted 6 December, 2013 Little boy runs down the stairs, daddy daddy don't get me that bike I wanted for xmas, because I found one in the behind the wardrobe.
mack rill Posted 6 December, 2013 Posted 6 December, 2013 Thousands have gathered at nelson mandela house. Del boy and rodney have told them to fookoff
mack rill Posted 6 December, 2013 Posted 6 December, 2013 Micheal Barrymores ears picked up at the news,,Tom Daley has come out as gay, He said"at last some one who takes it up the bottle and can swim!!!".
badgerx16 Posted 7 December, 2013 Posted 7 December, 2013 I present for the consideration of TMS a truly BAD joke: The England cricket team.
trousers Posted 7 December, 2013 Posted 7 December, 2013 I've just bought a Man United lamp - it looks great in the middle of the table...
Sergei Gotsmanov Posted 7 December, 2013 Posted 7 December, 2013 It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Cokey, but I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about. Brilliant
Gingeletiss Posted 12 December, 2013 Posted 12 December, 2013 I tried to get an autograph from that idiot masquerading as an expert at Nelson Mandela's memorial service. "That was fecking brilliant" I laughed, handing him a pen, "how long have you been getting away with that"? "Feck off" replied David Cameron!
Redbul Posted 18 December, 2013 Author Posted 18 December, 2013 I nearly got in a fight in the pub the other night, a red tarmac road kept trying to start on me. My mate said, "don't mess with him, he's a cyclepath". I nearly got in a fight with a cough sweet the other night. My mate said "Don't mess with him, he's f***in' menthol."
Smirking_Saint Posted 18 December, 2013 Posted 18 December, 2013 I nearly got in a fight with a cough sweet the other night. My mate said "Don't mess with him, he's f***in' menthol." I was also in the pub the other night, as I was sat drinking the peanuts were telling ne how good I looked, strange I thought. Anyway I got up for a pee and as I walked passed the cigerette machine it kept telling me I looked like crap. When I told the barman what was going on he said 'yeah sorry about that, the peanuts are complimentary but the cigerette machines out of order'
Lets B Avenue Posted 18 December, 2013 Posted 18 December, 2013 I've just cancelled my gym membership. Just didn't work out.
mack rill Posted 20 December, 2013 Posted 20 December, 2013 Fantastic play in smoke last night brought the house down,
scotty Posted 20 December, 2013 Posted 20 December, 2013 I was outraged when my neighbour sold his house to a registered sex-offender. I don't like competition.
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